August 31 was the day the entire nerd community was sent into oblivion. You see, today we all found out that Disney has bought Marvel.

In my mind, this is the perfect way to bring Captain America back from the fucking time stream or wherever he is at the moment. He will literally ride Walt Disney’s disembodied head and burst out of some transdimensional portal. Oh, you didn’t know? If you straddle dear old Walt’s head, twisting his left ear forward and his right ear backwards at the same time, a rocket burst ignites and he accelerates at a speed that pierces time and space. It’s coming. Just wait for it.

Here, suck on a press release:

Based on the closing price of Disney stock on Friday, August 28, the transaction value is $50 per Marvel share or approximately $4 billion.

This transaction combines Marvel’s strong global brand and world-renowned library of characters including Iron Man, Spider-Man, X-Men, Captain America, Fantastic Four and Thor with Disney’s creative skills, unparalleled global portfolio of entertainment properties, and a business structure that maximizes the value of creative properties across multiple platforms and territories,” said Robert A. Iger, President and Chief Executive Officer of The Walt Disney Company. “Ike Perlmutter and his team have done an impressive job of nurturing these properties and have created significant value. We are pleased to bring this talent and these great assets to Disney.

Good god damn. For $4 billion, Disney now owns everything Marvel. Everything. Comic Book Resources is covering it. But remember, Marvel has theme parks, they have movies, they have video games. Throw a rock at a nerd venue and you’ll hit someone covering the story. Are we going to see Marvel characters in a video game finger-fucking Goofy in Kingdom Hearts? Just maybe.

Via Destructoid:

In a conference call with investors discussing the detail today, Disney’s senior vice president of investor relations Lowell Singer directly addressed the videogame issue. He mentioned Marvel’s “smart licensing agreements with some of the best videogame manufacturers in the business” before adding that they’re not rulling out “the blend of licensing and self-produced and distributed videogames.”

“As these licensing deals expire we have the luxury of considering what’s best for the company and the products,” he mentioned, referring to the previously mentioned deals with THQ, Activision, and Sega, as well as Gazillion, many of which won’t expire until nearly 2020. If changes are coming, it’s likely we won’t see them for quite some time.

This shit is undoubtedly big news. How do I know? I woke up to a text message from my boy Patrick Mars letting me know. Every single fucking website has covered it. Pepsibones literally met me outside our house today as I was coming home. He asked a simple question:

Have you heard the big news?

And I immediately knew what he meant. I threw the question back at him:

Do you like the big news?

I don’t think either of us knew how to feel. In fact, when I begged him to write this article, he was all, “I don’t know man, I don’t have anything to say until I figure it all out.”

At first blush, I don’t like it. A completely irrational response based on nothing. Okay? I just feel like it’s another level of red tape for the creators to work through.

“Oh hey, can I turn Captain America into a pedophilic monster who is addicted to Hydroxycut? Oh, that wouldn’t work with the cross-promotion they’re doing with the Even Stevens reunion?”

More and more barriers of labyrinthine plans and levels of control. Meh. Don’t dig it.

In a perfect world though, it’d be great. As I’ve already detailed at my big boy job, maybe it’ll prolong Marvel’s ability to produce comic books. Anyone who has spoken to a comic book owner knows that Marvel barely or doesn’t make money off of their comic books. They eat the cost, make up a bit on Trades, and use it as a farm for movies, toys, video games, t-shirts, and Spider-Man dildos. If this allows them the capital to continue eating the losses, I’m fucking sold.

As usual, in a perfect world, it’d be fantastic. In my cynical mind, it’s going to end in tears.

What do you guys think? Leave a comment.

Looking ahead to the next few weeks’ comic releases, I realized that September 2^nd brings the first issue of Strange Tales Max. This three-issue miniseries is composed of short stories by some of the most acclaimed creators in underground comics, many of whom have seized the opportunity to run amok with Marvel’s more recognizable characters.

On the one hand, I think this series could be great for all involved parties; the creators gain exposure that their usual work does not afford them, Marvel gets to tout a badge of artistic merit, and the readers get their filthy paws on some unique work. If all goes to plan, Strange Tales Max could be responsible for quite a few Eisner-nominations.

However, such an endeavor also runs the risk of choking on the vomit of its own novelty. Comic book fans are, on the whole, not a group who like their mothers’ apple pie recipes fucked with. If Marvel runs a story about Peter Parker giving up the superheroics in favor of free-form dance, then they might just shoot themselves in the foot.

Quirky or novel are not always synonymous with successful. Just ask DC’s Wednesday Comics — despite heavy promotion, its first issue was only the thirty-sixth best selling comic of July (with subsequent issues faring worse). And even though I think it contains some of the best story-telling I’ve read lately (Kerschl/Fletcher’s The Flash/Iris West, Pope’s Strange Adventures, & Busiek/Quinones’ Green Lantern comes to mind) even I can’t get over the shitty newsprint material. In my opinion, such beautiful art shouldn’t be folded over and printed on gray toilet paper.

Perhaps Wednesday Comics may work better once it’s collected into an absolute edition. Maybe Strange Tales Max will be unappreciated until collected into a full anthology. Either way, both should be commended for the ways in which they strive for something else.

Strange Tales #2's cover is from Peter Bagge's "The Incorrigible Hulk"