Say what you will about all the motion bullshit gadgetry that has been birthed out of the bleeding anus where gaming ingenuity used to be. It’s prolonged the generation. That kids, is a fucking good thing. However, everything comes to an end. This generation’s cycle is no exception, and Microsoft has begun hiring engineers to work on their next Box.

Read the rest of this entry »

Goddamn that fucking Kinect! I knew it was the Devil. El Diablo! It wants to corrupt us! Sure it has us petting animals and playing volleyball, now. But in the future? Once the indoctrination is complete, it’ll have us stabbing our grandparents and bathing in the blood of purified newborns!

Don’t believe me? Here’s some more proof. It causes the dreaded Red Ring of Death. Maybe! Sensationalism? Sure.

According to the BBC, a nice, untainted British family bought a Kinect. And then their console died. Could this be coincidence? Absolutely not! Wink. According to 10 year-old Adam Winnifrith,  “We plugged it in the day we got it but only played it a few times before we got the red lights. The next day when we tried it again we still had the red rings of death and haven’t been able to use it since.”

See! What more proof do you need? Fuck Kinect! It’s encouraging Big Brother. It’s going to result in robotic spy planes of death, and if that isn’t bad enough: it’ll kill your fucking Xbox 360.

Via.

I can no longer worry about whether or not Kinect is going to succeed. I can no longer worry about whether or not yet another console is going to be indoctrinated into gimmicky, motion control bullshit. I can no longer worry about whether or not the Xbox 360 can stuff all those grandparents and happy family advertisements down the fucking Sarlacc Pit they belong in, incinerating their insipid banality into a forgotten realm of bullshit.

Who gives a shit if it’s gimmicky bullshit? Who gives a shit if it’s clearly spying on you for Big Brother Microsoft Cola? No ones.

I should have known better. Kinect isn’t just selling, it’s selling like fucking hot cakes.

Reuters:

Microsoft Corp said on Monday it has sold more than 1 million of its new hands-free Kinect gaming systems in the first 10 days since launch, putting it on track to beat its target of 5 million sales by the end of the year.

Son of a fucking bitch. Oh well. What does it really mean in the long run? A lot more units solid for the Micro-softs, right? They’ve totally out Wii’d the Wii. No longer must you sling phallic device! Now you dance your way into stupidity with Grandma! Watch as she dances her dying tribal dance! Watch as Papa’s hearing aid falls out in the middle of a lovely game of The Biggest Loser: Ultimate Workout! and the family cat dies from choking on it.

As long as it doesn’t affect the actual like, games being produced, I’m fine. There can be mountains of bullshit titles out there featuring Kinect-based controls, as long as I get my legitimate installments. But with news that there’s a Gears of War-related Kinect announcement soon, I fear! I fear the infection is spreading.

The bunkers, we must climb into them. The hatches, we must latch.

You fucking assholes.

Theo Watson is a man with some impressive skills. Well, to me at least. I don’t know if he’s like, totally wizard or whatever to other geniuses. But to me? Dude is awesome. The good chap has hacked a Microsoft Kinect, and gotten it to run on a Mac OS. Barely a week after launch! Guffaw! I don’t know the practical applications of it up to this point, but I’m not sure there’s a practical application I can think of for Kinect, in any regard.

None the less, it’s pretty cool. And with this talented man opening up the Kinect to the Mac OS, I can only assume it’ll thusly open up possibility for other people to fuck around with.

Hit the jump for a video of it in motion.

Read the rest of this entry »

Ah, it is finally here. The day that Microsoft launches Kinect. The device that lets you karate chop, finger-bang animals, and Minority Report your way to dumbassery. Thank goodness. I was waiting for it to come out. That way my annoyance can reach critical mass. I had to slap down my Nana today for dropping a banana peel. Her head spun around like a god damn Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robot. As she writhed on the ground, I tried to explain myself.

Sorry Nana, video games made me do it. It’s the new motion controls! They’re a bad influence! I just want to karate chop everything. I can’t tell real from fake anymore. It’s the violence! No, don’t you dare call my psychiatrist! They’ll never take me alive! Alive!

Then I dove out the window. I am typing this under shelter of fallen leaves and raindrops. Wi-Fi is a helluva thing.

But seriously Kinect can go fuck itself. I’ve never felt so little excitement over an add-on. And this is coming from the guy who bought a Sega CD and a 32X. I totally had to have them.

Dropping an honest bomb on your ass, a part of Kinect appeals to me. As a technology whore, I can be a turned on by the idea of manipulating menus with my hands. I would love to totally don my duster jacket, sweet reflective shades, and pretend I’m in Neuromancer. I can imagine the hours I’d spend manipulating the dashboard, while manipulating my dong-bot. Enhance! I’d say. Enhance! I’d command. Sure nothing would happen, but I’d be living out a Gibsonian dream that I’ve fantasized about for years.

Hand manipulation? Facial recognition? Speech commands? It’s something out of my wet dreams.

The problem is that I simply don’t give a fuck about the games. I own a Wii. It sits in the corner, gathering dust. Every once in a while I take a moment to demean it.

You underpowered piece of shit! Where’s your HD? LOL AT YOU. YOUR PENIS IS SMALL AND YOUR BREATH STINKS. STINKS.

It only murmurs, hurtfully.

I don’t need to spend a $150 for something whose only marketing value to me is a sweet-ass way to get through a dashboard. I don’t need to pet animals, or do dance moves, or play tennis. I can do all that shit in real life. And if you know anything about me, it’s that I pet animals daily. That’s not to mention the fact that my dance moves are fucking elite. Seriously, I cut a rug like a son of a bitch. White guy funk drizzled in insanity, motherfuckers.

It’s a sweet ass piece of technology that beckons to me, like a Siren’s Call. But underneath that is the fact that it’s a gimmicky utensil of bullshit. If I’m being completely honest, they’ve almost won me over. Not for $150, but the allure of gadget-stroking. Perhaps my vitriol is so manifest because I can see myself staring down the chasm of douchery. It calls to me, yet I know how much I detest a good portion of what it stands for.

Stay strong, fight the fight. Say no to gimmicky motion controls, even if they harbor the allure of living within science fiction orgasm. You don’t need to play hopscotch with your grandma and grandpa. I promise.

Kinect games are going to be in purple boxes.

What the fuck is this bullshit, pendejo! More proof that Kinect fucking sucks: purple boxes. What the frak?! Everyone knows that the green cases were an obvious homage to one thing: Mountain fucking Dew. Or as I call it, the x-treme nectar of the gods that I pound in limitless excess during a gaming session. So what is this bullshit?! Purple?! This is kiddie Barney the Dinosaur dogshit! Or dinosaur shit, rather!

How dare they anger Lord Caffeinus, purveyor of all gaming and x-treme and totally wicked behavior! There’s an ass-smiting coming, and Microsoft is on deck.