Oh shit! The Call of Duty: Black Ops opening day crushes everything! A face full of steel to Avatar! A molotov cocktail upside the dumb face of Master Chief and his squadron of Spartans. Black Ops had the biggest opening day ever in entertainment history. That’s right, beating even the illustrious Modern Warfare 2.

How big is the biggest opening day ever in entertainment history? How about 5.6 million copies in the United States and United Kingdom.

Jesus good Lord god damn Christ.

Kotaku:

Activision executive Thomas Tippl told an audience of investors in New York that Black Ops has sold $360 million worth of copies in its first 24 hours of release in North America and the U.K. this week, compared to $310 million in the first day of release for Modern Warfare 2 a year ago. Modern Warfare 2 sold a mere 4.7 million copies.

While not an indication of quality by any means, I’m interested in the fact that Black Ops outsold Modern Warfare 2. The developers of MW2, Infinity Ward, and the boys behind Black Ops, Treyarch have never been the best of buddies. And there are considerable divisions between fanboys and fangirls of the two development houses. Douches who swear by World at War while using any opportunity to deride Modern Warfare 2. Then there’s the MW2 dildos, who will shit on anything tied to Treyarch, and their installments.

What is confirmed is my belief that despite their griping from either side of this divide, Call of Duty fans are dirty whores for the franchise. Despite what they may claim, they’ll buy anything. They bought Modern Warfare 2, and then despite Black Ops being developed by measly Treyarch, they bought this son of a bitch in droves as well.

Me? I look to shoot people in the face. In modern times, and in the Cold War. I’m going to be open with you goons, if it’s got Call of Duty on the front, I’m going to be interested enough to buy it. I am the self-admitted sucker.

I stand motherfuckin’ corrected. I used to think that unboxing videos were the lamest fucking thing ever. A silent dork, in a dark room, one hand on his cock, the other on a shaky camera. Naw son, they aren’t all worthless. Why? ‘Cause Ice-T’s unboxing of Call of Duty: Black Ops is the most amazing thing I’ve seen in a while. It’s four minutes of motherfuckin’ hilarity, with some of the most classic lives in a while. Watch as Ice-T yells that he’s going to cum as the stage loads. Watch as he tells everyone to suck his ass.

I’m not lying when I say that I think Ice-T is the fucking man. I’ll reiterate the reasons: dope ass gamer, wife with a rump that fucking slays, and he holds down a role on a fucking Law and Order show. He’s a hero of mine, and goddamn I want to hang out with him.

Hit the jump to check out the only fucking Call of Duty: Black Ops video you’ll ever need to see. Promise. Pinky Swear.

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Collector’s Editions are at war with one another. Last year the Modern Warfare family brought everyone night vision goggles, which felled the previous Douchebag Winner, the Spartan Helmet Douchecon Edition from Halo 3. Well! Well, then. Well, well, well. Call of Duty: Black Ops is making a serious, serious push to take the Douchebag Extreme Mantle, by offering a functionable RC car with their Black Ops Collector’s Edition.

Destructoid:

With a range of up to 200 feet, the RC-XD surveillance vehicle is a fully-functioning RC car that features — wait for it — a remote camera that transmits TFT color video and audio. It’s inspired by the surveillance car that will appear in the game’s multiplayer, as seen in the recent teaser trailer.

The “Prestige Edition” will also ship with everything you’ll get in the “Hardened Edition,” including a Black Ops limited edition medal, a Black Ops Avatar outfit (for Xbox 360), and four additional cooperative maps.

If you buy this, you’re a douchebag. But let’s be clear, if it were the right franchise (Mass Effect, Fallout), I’d be a douchebag too.

I’ve only played the Infinity Ward Call of Duty titles. I am by no means an aficionado or expert when it comes to the series. But when I heard that Black Ops was going to take place in the Cold War, I immediately was aroused to a point of comfortable non-comfort.

And now? Today Treyarch dropped the first multiplayer footage from the game, and I am fapping and screaming. I don’t know if it has been a fixture of previous games in the series, but the video shows dudes getting mowed down with a fucking crossbow.

Good god damn, I’m sold.

Hit the jump to check out the video for yourself.

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I’ve never been insane for the Call of Duty franchise. I enjoyed the two Modern Warfares, but that’s about it. So even though I knew that another game was coming this year, I didn’t care. It wasn’t Modern Warfare, and it wasn’t Infinity Ward. Well, fuck me, I seem to be stoked anyways.

It’s the fucking Cold War! Black Ops! Espionage! Oh shiz! Totally super-ballin’. Alright, I’m excited. Check out the video and fap with me.