Confirmed! The Force Awakens is getting itself a fucking trailer this fucking week in fucking theaters. Rendar and I might live through the entire trailer. Or our hearts may give out. Our dicks break. Our juices exhaust themselves. Either way. A valiant death or a wonderful life. This news piggy backs on the rumor I covered yesterday — that the sumbitch is dropping next week in 100 theaters, running before every showing of every flick.

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I’m glad that SyFy is once again taking space-opera seriously. (Even if Ascension isn’t necessarily the strict definition of a space-opera.) I’ve been jazzed about Syfy’s realignment focusing on non-suck, real shows since announcing that they’re adapting my beloved and amazing Expanse series. But fuck now this trailer has me enthused, too. Syfy, don’t play with me. Two potential space shows rocking? Hubba hubba.

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Generally I troll Stephen King because Bateman and Rendar have both admitted to me under chemical duress that they’ve masturbated into copies of The Dark Tower. But I’m going to be the straight-man here. And far be it for me to critique what people jerk-off into. The Stand seems cool, but I haven’t read it. So I don’t know how to react to this news.

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HEY YOU KNOW WHAT AMAZON LIKES? FUCKING EVERYTHING. GOT ITS FINGERS IN LIKE INFINITY PIES. DRONES AND FUCK! DELIVERING MIKE AND IKES TO ME. NOW IT’S LIKE, FUCK IT. HOTELS. AD-SUPPORTED STREAMING. FUCK.

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Man. Yesterday Slashfilm reported that The Force Awakens wouldn’t get a trailer before The Hobbit: Battle of Blah Armies. The report said that Disney was thinking “much bigger” than that. But if this rumor is true? Holy shit. Apparently next weekend the film is going to show before every single showing of every single movie in 100 theaters.

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Chip Zdarsky of Sex Criminals fame is getting into the Howard the Duck game. And while he’s the goddamn talent-consummate mad men artist behind the aforementioned Sexual Criminality, mofuckah’ is writing the Duck tales. This development is something that seems straight-out of one of Chip’s lunatic Twitter rants. I love it.

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DOPE NEWS: Warren Ellis’ fucking excellent Global Frequency is getting a (really another) TV adaptation on Fox SORT OF EH NEWS: It is being produced by Jerry Bruckheimer.

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A wise man once said, “we all dead, fuck it.” This unwise man once heard those words and thought, “everything is pointless.” No no, I should not have taken it that way. And neither should you. Instead interpret its meaning thusly: time is limited, life is short at best, so spend it with loved ones, doing things you like. As much as possible. Given the grind, given the circumstance, given the chance, given the opportunity. And the Weekend for many is an opportunity to CARPE THIS AFOREMENTIONED DOPE SHIT.

I hope you’ll spend some of your weekend here. At the Open Bar. Communing with like-minded souls. Just trying to get by in this perpetually heating, perpetually diminishing, perpetually beautiful little Blue Orb in Space.

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Final seasons are a wonderful thing. All sorts of people return. Even those like Rob Lowe who apparently most of the Parks and Rec cast couldn’t stand. It makes sense though. Get the gang back together! Rally them around the watering hole for one last Ritual Spit and Shit, and send them out to the pasture together.

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Better Call Your Friends and tell them to keep February 8 open! #LOL#SHITTYTITLEPUNS#IMWORTHLESS You see, that’s the night Better Call Saul is premiering. You know, the Breaking Bad spin-off no one asked for, and everyone is cautiously optimistic about.

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