Well, snap! I figured that when EA gobbled up BioWare, they’d be porting a cash cow like the Mass Effect series onto multiple consoles. But! But then Mass Effect 2 came and went on the 360 and nothin’ happened. Well, such sentiments were portentous, just took a bit longer than I expected. January, 2011, Mass Effect 2 comes to the fuggin’ Playstation 3.

Kotaku:

During the EA press conference at GamesCom in Cologne, Germany, BioWare’s Dr. Ray revealed that the second game in the Mass Effect series would hit the PlayStation 3 in January.

Is there anything else to say? It’s Mass Effect, and it’s coming to the PlayStation 3. Let’s hear us some cheers, PlayStation 3 owners!

UPDATE: The official press release for the PS3 edition includes the line: “The PlayStation 3 edition will include the full Mass Effect 2 game and hours of bonus content.” We’ve asked an EA spokesperson for clarification about whether that refers to new gameplay sequences or what.

Good news for all my scrub friends who only own a PS3. However, this shit could be bad fucking news for my wallet, if the PS3-port comes with anything resembling new content. Son of a fucking bitch! If there’s even a single new scenario, my fanboy ass is going to have to double-dip. Which means, they know that there are people like me out there, and it will in fact include marginal new content to rope me in.

Fuck. Hit the jump for the Playstation 3 teaser.

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BioWare has announced the next Mass Effect 2 DLC: Lair of the Shadow Broker, dropping uh, sometime. Apparently the DLC takes place in response to a bunch of hogwash bullshit that took place during Mass Effect 2 that we never saw. But was in a comic book.

Uh?

Isn’t like, some of this essential narrative information?

via kotaku:

After Shepard died in the beginning of Mass Effect 2, his blue-skinned friend Liara T’Soni fought a desperate battle to recover his body from the mysterious Shadow Broker. Now it’s time to settle the score.

Detailed in the Mass Effect 2 comic book series from Dark Horse, Liara went through hell to recover Commander Shepard’s remains from the mysterious information broker known as the Shadow Broker, delivering them to Cerberus, where our hero was eventually reconstituted.

Good god damn. I hate it when important plot points are used as selling points for various cross-merchandising. I would have liked to thank Miss Sexy Blue Skin for her efforts when I met her in one of my nineteen playthroughs of Mass Effect 2 for, you know, capturing my body and bringing it to get revived. Only fuggin’ Bioware didn’t let me know of this, because I didn’t read a comic.

Whatever.

In this DLC, you’ll be teaming up with Liara to storm the Shadow Broker and lay some whup down on his ass. Good. This douche has been a serious pain in Shepard’s ass since he double-crossed Tali back in the original. Let’s do this.

The Mass Effect 2 DLC has been pretty mediocre. I haven’t even finished Kasumi’s Stolen Memory. But fuck me, yes I’m going to buy this:

via G4:

When sent to investigate a Cerberus research base that’s mysteriously gone silent, Shepard arrives to find Geth overrunning the base. The sole survivor, Chief Scientist Archer, paints a dire picture: an experiment to fuse a human volunteer with a virtual intelligence created a dangerous hybrid “VI overlord”. The rampaging VI has already attacked three other Cerberus bases, controlling any technology it finds in an attempt to break free—and unleashing Geth across the planet. Unless Shepard can infiltrate the VI’s fortress and shut it down, this homicidal intelligence will beam itself-off planet and wreak havoc on other systems.

Sounds good. Will probably be meh. I’ll spend the money anyways. I’m part of the problem.

For months I’ve been trying to get into Yeoman Chamber’s pants. Like, I really wanted to. I’ve spent all of my effort and suave nature trying to convince her to make the mistake of a lifetime.

And today I found out why. BioWare is a bunch of pussies, and don’t allow same-sex romances.

I stumbled across a ballin’ article today over at Kotaku in which the writer asked why same-sex bangings couldn’t happen to the Czar of Douchery or whatever over at BioWare. The response was something like “Blah blah blah, non-answer, blah blah, we’re pussies.”

First:
I can understand where they’re coming from. Sort of.

It makes complete sense that BioWare wants to market Mass Effect 2 to the greatest and most totally largest market imaginable. And having tons of dongs rubbing dongs and vaginas grinding vaginas would probably scare people away.

I mean, for me? It would have sold a second copy for me. Dongs rubbing dongs? I’m fucking in, man. But for all the homophobes, bible-fuckers, and toothless goobers out there that yesterday jerked off to their crucifix, it would have been an instant non-sale.

I think?

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I’m a total loser, and the reason that DLC pricing is broken. You see, if it’s something I’m obsessed with, I’ll pay anything for it.

Via IGN / Pointed Out to me through my friend Chris.

BioWare has revealed the price of the Stolen Memory downloadable content pack for Mass Effect 2. Whether your a Cerberus Network member or not, fans will have to pony up 560 Microsoft points on Xbox LIVE, or 560 BioWare points ($7) for PC.

First revealed earlier this month during the Game Developers Conference, the Stolen Memory pack contains an all-new playable character, Kasumi Goto, a master thief. New missions will also be available. BioWare says you’ll be able to access the content at any point in the game and will take about an hour and a half to complete.

Seven bucks for an hour and a half of content is a bit much, but I don’t care. Seven bucks for an hour and a half of content and a new character seems a little better, but I still don’t care. Hit it, Kool-Aid Man!

More shit is barfing up about the first paid Mass Effect 2 DLC, Kasumi’s Memory.

First off, would you believe it, the female character is hot? I know, right? Totally a shocker. Apparently in the Mass Effect universe, everyone is gorgeous looking, or at least in great shape. It doesn’t matter if you’re a politician, an archealogist, or a soldier, you’re fucking hot. You got abs like what, and dumps like a truck.

Secondly, the shit teases our e-dongs with hints of Earth again.

Take it away Kotaku, you beautiful fuck!

This DLC is Mass Effect’s ode to James Bond. It is an undercover slip into a formal-attire-required party at the estate of the shady Donovan Hock, mixed with a bit of schmoozing, a safe that needs cracking and then gunfire. There is a vault in this 90-minute level. It contains statues of familiar characters and two of the most popular statues from Earth: Michelangelo’s David and the Statue of Liberty.

Oh shiznit! Some vault has the fucking Statue of Liberty? I assume they’ve been saving Earth’s fate for the final installment of their first trilogy, but I’m assuming that nothing good has become of it.

And I fucking love vaults with hidden treasure, don’t you? Uncle Scrooge in Duck Tales was always my hero, because the dude could swim in gold coins. Every good universe needs some vault with awesome artifacts to be plundered by Nicholas Cage. Seriously.

I go ape shit for anything Mass Effect, and for those of you who don’t dig the universe, I’m probably driving you crazy. So to entertain you, and make this post worthwhile, I’d like to offer you something awesome:

Apparently Bioware has announced their first batch of paid DLC for Mass Effect 2. Previously all their DLC was free for those of us who picked the game up at release through their nifty Cerberus pipeline. So now we have to pay? What the fuck! The balls! I’m actually okay with it, as long as it doesn’t blow. So far the DLC that’s dropped for ME2 has felt like either afterthoughts and bullshit   like the Normandy crash site; or shit that was intended to be in the game but cut to generate “DLC”, like Zaeed. I haven’t been really impressed. And while I am excited for the next batch of free DLC this month, I think I’m even more excited for Kasumi’s Memory.

Via Destructoid:

The content, which can be launched at any point during the narrative, can be divided into two themed swathes. The first half is exploration-based. The space Rogue Kasumi is seeking an item of value that is tucked deep in a bent rare-item collector’s vault. To get access, Shepard must travel to the collector’s house party, mingle, and discover where exactly that vault actually is. The second half is an escalating series of battles against mechs and soldiers after discovering the object.
Kasumi is, of course, a recruit for the suicide mission (or even after). And the best part is that she hits with fresh moves — the hippest being “Shadowcloak,” the space version of a “backstab.” But   more compelling than the addition of a thief and new moves is the fresh art. The rare item collector has a host of historical items in his house and vault, each lovingly crafted by BioWare’s artists. But The mansion, even the formal wear are all newly-created assets as well.

Fucking jawesome, bro! I’m a total and complete whore for Mass Effect 2. I spent the last two months playing through it non-stop. The only breaks I took from it were to look out the window of my basement dungeon and pine for a universe where I could get a drink in some intergalactic bar. I’m not a total nerd, but when I contemplate the fact that aliens aren’t real, I’ll never get to shout “JUMP” as someone flips an FTL switch, or go to the Citadel, I get mildly suicidal. Which is sort of par for the course.

Shit drops April 6.

One of the things I dug the fuck out of in Knights of the Old Republic was the fact that the more of a motherfucker you were, the more it showed on your physical appearance. It made sense, since back then it was thought that the Dark Side rotted you the fuck out and made you look like a god damn leper. Mind you, this was before George Lucas was all like:

Oh hey guise, guess wut! You know how you thought that the Dark Side was responsible for Palpatine’s look? Psych! It’s actually lame ass lightning reflection caused by Jules from Pulp Fiction! I fucking shit on your established canon! Muwahahaha, and also, guess what! Boba Fett is an annoying little shit, and also a clone. I’m high on meth! I’m a mole-looking douchebag!

Anyways.

So, I was pretty stoked that Bioware brought back the whole “the more of a douchebag you are, the worse you look” thing for Mass Effect 2. The rationale is all, well, you see, Shepard was dead, and they didn’t have time to finish resurrecting her. (Or him.) So uh, the worse you are, the more your fissures crack and your bionics show.

Huh?

Wut?

It doesn’t matter.

On my second playthrough, I pledged to be the biggest piece of shit bad ass the galaxy had ever seen. No man, I ain’t healing you with my medigel! That shit is precious! Yes, assassin I caught in a warehouse, I am stomach-punching you out a fucking window! I’m Shepard! I seen some shit!

And it’s pretty cool. I mean, look at me. I’m a fucking demon. No wonder that’s why no one will sleep with me. Even though I’m like, hey, I saved the galaxy, I saved your ass, now let me tap it. Who doesn’t like seeing physical representations of their behavior? It’s neat, and been echoed in a ton of games like Fable and the such.

So I’m glad that they brought it back, so I can look like the possessed demon rapist that I am in this playthrough. Beware the red eyes of Shepard, if she’s looking at your butt, gender or species be damned, she’s snagging it!

Here’s the truth, one of my favorite activities in Mass Effect 2 is trying to get into the pants of Yeoman Chambers. She’s the adorable little brunette deckhand who is always telling me when I have messages at my terminal. As well, she always seems to find a reason to be slightly bent over her own computer, inviting the inevitable stare at her bum.

It’s nice.

Nice.

Through one and a half playthroughs of the game, I ain’t had sex with no one. Eerily, this game echoes the majority of my real life. When I first stepped aboard the Normany, I was DTF, man. Down. To. Fuck. I was macking on everyone like I was going to die tomorrow. I was dropping all sorts of sexy cavalier poems in the hopes of getting everyone to see just how fleeting this beautiful life was. We ain’t got time for jibber-jabber, we gotta fuck! I’m poetical, fuck!

Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old Time is still a-flying:
And this same flower that smiles to-day
To-morrow will be dying.

Carpe diem? I need to carpe that ass!

I think I overplayed my hand, though. I rolled up aboard the Normandy, and I was practically dry-humping the FTL console. Krogans, quarians, men, women, tentacles, it didn’t matter. I wanted that shit. And for that, I will pay the ultimate consequence; Kelly Chambers, obviously of a high quality of virtue and not to be a pawn, won’t talk to me no moh’.

MOTHERFRAKER.

Now? Now I’m stuck probably hate-fucking Jacob. Yeah, I’m playing as a chick, what of it? I’m typical, man. I’m just a dude, who secretly wishes he was a lesbian. I’m like, you know, the other zillion fanboys out there. Jacob’s a nice guy and all, but he really doesn’t do anything for me. Maybe because he looks like Kanye West, or maybe because he’s a void of emotion. Listen, Jacob. I know I hit the town like a fucking gangbuster, and I was practically salivating at the crotch bulge of your super-space-suit, but fuck man, I need to snuggle with whoever I’m tappin’. I know if I settle down with you for some fluid-sloshing, you’re just going to be back in the armory in like ten minutes.

I AM NOT AN OBJECT. Well, I might be, but that’s not all I am.

I’m not going to be complete until I finally consummate my thang with Yeoman Chambers. I don’t care how many playthroughs it takes. I’ll reform. I’ll stop trying to get Thane to meet me in the women’s restroom. Honest. I promise. Because you’re special, Kelly. The rest of those humans, aliens, and artificial lifeforms I’ve been trying to fuck? They’ve just been there to try and take you off my mind.

Xoxo.

Here’s the thing. Despite some of my disappointment regarding Mass Effect 2, I am woefully addicted to it. And here’s another thing, I’m a fucking asshole. So when I heard that you could get DLC for Mass Effect 2 from cups at 7-Eleven, I knew I had to buy them. It was some team-up with Dr. Pepper, or something, or something. I have no idea. They’re just shitty helmets or something, but it didn’t matter. Because I’m an asshole. And the worst part is, I am so against getting nickle and dimed like this, and yet I give into it.

There’s a code per cup, and I needed like, obviously, all of them. I contemplated triple-stacking a cup, and passing it off as one Double Gulp of the Diet Pepsi. You know, Lil’ Wayne style, screwed-up on two-cups. But then the better, God-fearing side of me kicked in. I walked up to the counter and I asked the guy, can I buy a cup? He nodded his head and smiled. For some reason, I tried to explain to him why I was an asshole.

Yeah, I play this video game [not explaining what game] and they’ve got codes.

He smiled. I’m sure he had no idea what he was talking about. I left the store victorious.

I’m an asshole.