Square demonstrates in a bunch of new Final Fantasy XIII pictures that they know their fanbase very well. How so? They’ve given us something out of our dirty little dreams. It’s a commonly known fact that nerds go absolutely fucking bananas for chicks with glasses. I think it’s a psychological phenomenon. We also like women who demonstrate power, since you know, we’re typically weak, fat, and eating spaghettios in our underwear. So what does Square do? They give us Jihl Nabaat. She’s a hot babe with glasses who apparently is a hard ass and wears latex. A DOMINATRIX IN LEATHER WITH GLASSES?

Holy shit. Well done, Square. Now let’s turn this game into something other than vaporware and give us the ability to take our own screenshots. I have plans. Filthy plans.

[ check the new screens @ destructoid ]

So I’m playing Arkham Asylum, and the craziest shit starts happening. At one point Joker lets all of the fucking inmates out of their cage. Which is cool, and whatever. However, these inmates aren’t regular Joker thugs. They’re just guys who happen to be fucking raving insane. The whole mechanic seems like a way for Eidos to have Batman fight zombies. You see, they murmur and drool like zombies. They sound exactly like the bad guys from Left 4 Dead. But I’ll continue.

So anyways, these people are not villains. They just happen to be suffering from psychological problems and are upset by the madness around them.

What does Batman do?

He beats the living shit out of them. Seriously. Poor confused inmates who have been brought into a riot. They can’t defend themselves, and they’re just looking for a way out.

They run at Batman in confusion, and what’s he do? He throws them over his head and punches them in the fucking mouth. I sat there watching my Batman throw these retards around without a care in the world. I realize they’re running at him, but can’t the guy have some fucking empathy? They don’t even fight back!

I mean, what are the moral implications of this? Sure, Batman doesn’t kill! But you know what he WILL do? He’ll kick the living shit out of defenseless schizophrenics! They don’t get up! They just lay there with the shit kicked out of them. There’s got to be some ethical code that prohibits the ass-whuppings of crazy people, isn’t there?

Listen, don’t get all sensitive on me. I’ve been locked up for three days at a crazy ward. In the clink, as they say. And what happened if the Joker showed up there and let us out? What if I was just walking across the lawn, taking a stroll without my annoying fifteen minute check-ins? I mean, half the retards I’ve kicked the shit out of with Batman are people who aren’t suspecting me! I sneak up and clobber the crap out of them! What if it was me, strolling McLean’s, and then Batman snuck up on my ass and whupped me?

The dude is deranged, and I can’t believe that some group like PEOPLE FOR THE ETHICAL TREATMENT OF BIPOLAR MADMEN (me) haven’t been like

WAI CAN BATMEN WHUP THE SHIT OUT OF INVALIDS?!

I’m just waiting for the uproar to start. I can hear it now.

But to answer the question, why can he?

He’s Batman, bitches.

Wait, you mean shit leaks from video game conventions? Publishers have to know the best way to do free ‘viral’ press is to just show something at a convention. Only an asshole would think that they’re going to air it without it getting caught up on some one’s Cell Phone / Clatter / Super Spybot. Just check out the video. Some live footage of Modern Warfare 2, which is promising to sell four-zillion copies this winter. Frat boys, legit gamers, and pre-pubescent kids with bad parents will all be waiting in line together for this shit.

[ youtube via kotaku ]

I have found myself continuously confused while playing Batman: Arkham Asylum. It had to do with that annoying twat Harley Quinn. I know that there’s a lot of dudegeeks out there who absolutely fawn over Joker’s spermbank. But I don’t get it. Won’t get it. Refuse to try. Normally Quinn is   just an annoying rascally bitch. But in Arkham Asylum, she enters a whole new world of suck.You see, in Arkham she’s an annoying bitch who looks like she’s going to an Insane Clown Posse concert. No, seriously:

Quinn’s new outfit for Arkham must have been redesigned by a fucking Juggalo. Holy shit. I just know dorks are beating off at her “totally hawt” cleavage “and super sploogey” nurse outfit.

Thankfully, the lords at Eidos gave us something unexpected. They made Poison Ivy gorgeous. Somehow, they did it. Even while she’s all like, chlorophyll infested and green and shit. It’s been a good year for green-skinned babes. First there was that weird green chick that Captain Kirk was boning in Star Trek, and now Poison Ivy. Behold! Viva la Green Babes.

Patton Oswalt is going to be on Caprica. We already know this. When I found out, I almost went comatose. Oswalt, much to his chargin I’m sure, is a hero amongst us pudgy nerds. He references X-Men in his act, he is the voice behind a Pixar film, and oh yeah – he has your dream gig, acting in a motherfuckin’ BSG spin-off. The dude is a god. A brilliant, incisive God who was probably one of the few highlights of Dollhouse this season.

I stumbled across this quote via /Film, who nabbed it from A/V Club:

I’m just going to be a sort of Jon Stewart-esque presence that’s always going to be on television in the background. I think that’s going to be the role I have, though there’s a big confrontation I have with Eric Stoltz and Paula Malcomson.

A recurring role as Caprica’s equivalent of Jon Stewart? Sign me up. I was cautious about Caprica, and how it was going to impact the re-imagined BSG mythos. But the pilot talked me off the edge – a mixture of good ole Phillip K. Dick, and Snow Crash and various obvious references. Sure, maybe the Cylons are going to end up the weepy product of a guy losing his daughter (fucking ugh), but for once I’m going to try and not hate. It’s got Moore’s blessing. And now, more importantly, it’s got fucking Patton Oswalt.

Every Time I Die has been one of the few bands whose albums retain unchallenged positions in my personal rotation. Especially in their last effort (2007’s The Big Dirty), ETID combine straight-ahead thrash & paralysis-inducing breakdowns with southern-rock groove & clean hooks to create an irresistible sonic cocktail.

The garnish, of course, is Keith Buckley’s penchant for crafting evocative, powerful lyrics. Buckley’s anecdotes act as supportive frames, giving the listener just enough to imagine a more personal narrative. I’m not sure, but I’d bet that I’m not the only ETID fan who finds himself pondering lyrics such as those found at the end of Imitation is the Sincerest Form of Battery:

Stay wistful and young.
The affected are banking on oblivion
In the drone of embittered hope.
And we’re sold by the way they wrote it.

Oh, it’s the end of the line
I’m cornered by a precedent
The sneering public eye.

It is better to destroy than to create what is meaningless.
So the picture will not be finished…

Or maybe I just give Keith Buckley too much credit because he was a literature student & high school teacher. I don’t know.

In any case, September 15^th sees the release of New Junk Aesthetic. I’ve been looking forward to this album for quite some time and have held my head high despite some more disparaging news (i.e. Fall Out Boy’s Pete Wentz contributing guest vocals & the departing of longtime drummer Mike “Ratboy” Novak).

My optimism for New Junk Aesthetic is instead rooted in the fact that it was completed before Novak left, providing one last documented recording of the foursome (Novak/Williams/the brothers Buckley) that I’ve learned to love. Further, my love for sweet album packaging is appeased by the stellar artwork of guitarist Jordan Buckley.

Yesterday, Wanderlust was released as the first official video for the new album. I’m still sorting out my feelings about the track, but my initial impression is favorable. That may change. Or it may not. But for right now, I’m going to pump my fist and contemplate the following:

We’ve lived under this dark cloud forever
Waiting for the bad light to break.

Just let me try that one again, with a little more feeling –
We slept at the crossroads together, trying to make an honest mistake.
Just let me try that one more time, without a smile on my face.

Give the video a view and tell me what you think.
Every Time I Die – “Wanderlust”

OMFG! Summer Glau, also known as the creepy fanboy wetdream River from Firely is joining the cast of Dollhouse.

According to the Hollywood Reporter:

“(Glau) will have a recurring role as Bennett, a Dollhouse employee who shares a secret past with Eliza Dushku’s Echo.”

Secret past? Can you say lesbian sex scenes interspersed with mind-numbing and heavy-handed exploration of identity? YES. Or probably not.
It’s ironic, right? Firefly gets canceled after one season, despite being excellent. Dollhouse, the biggest piece of shit I’ve watched on television in years gets renewed. Well done, Whedon zealots. You’ve saved this pile of high school philosophy and drama club dialogue. And your reward? Summer Glau! If anything, Whedon et company are doing a great fan service to the perennial virgins out there – getting them geeked out with appearances by first Felecia Day, and now Summer Glau. Get ready to fap, boys.

File this under: Jealousy inspired rage.

It’s commonly known throughout intellectual circles that Spin Magazine is a pile of slop churned onto former trees. It’s for emo kids with swoopy haircuts and thick glasses and tight pants to find the newest esoteric band to worship. Doubly ironic of course because these same bands are being churned through a corporate magazine. Anyways, that’s not what I want to talk about. Through some weird circumstances, my Dad began receiving Spin after his subscription to something ran out. And so whenever I’m trying to blast out a turd, I pick it up and flip through.

That’s when I found this retarded review of Batman: Arkham Asylum today. I must preface my forthcoming rage with this – I can’t believe this douchebag, Dan Ackerman, gets to play video games ahead of time and get paid for it. It’s a nerdy rage that stems from the fact that I’m an unemployed poor quasi-academic who would kill someone to play review copies of games for free, while this hack gets to do it.

Let’s look at Dan’s brilliant review describing why Batman video games have failed:

Most comic book tales follow the ebb and flow of traditional fiction narrative

Ah, already brilliant Spin pretension. How about you write like a human being in a pop magazine, please. This isn’t the New Yorker. (Or my Derrida Superman post, shut the fuck up.)

…with character driven story arcs that build to a climax, punctuated by superhero throwdowns.

Really? Character driven story arcs? Most slop out there is generally just operating as a means to get to that superfight. Pick up a comic book, bro. As far as “Traditional fiction narrative”, what the fuck do you mean? Do you feel like defining traditional? And what venue of fiction? Would you argue that Comic Book Fiction is a beast unto itself? Surely it has tropes and consistent constructions (oh shit I’m going all Ackerman in my prose) that deviate from the standards of the usual Grisham novel.

In contrast, video game storytelling generally serves as a mere background for setting up the basic mode of play

An obvious statement. The line Dan seems to be drawing is that Batman games have failed because they haven’t focused on character development and “Traditional fiction narrative”. What I’d like to posit is that they could have been fulfilling if they hadn’t been half-cooked pieces of shit thrown out there to agree with Bat Movie X. Most of the time.

Also, I’m not really sure if I agree with Dan. Most video game story lines serve as the basic mode of play? Really? Does Half-Life 2’s storyline determine that it’s a first person shooter? Not so much. As well, it seems to imply that video games are typically unsuited for a strong traditional narrative. Or maybe I’m reading it wrong. Is he suggesting that the medium (video games) has been misused? Or that it is simply ill-fitting?

I’m going to give Dan the benefit of the doubt, and assume he just means that they’ve been misused. Even still, Arkham Asylum isn’t groundbreaking in that regard. Maybe he means groundbreaking for a Batman game. Or maybe nothing at all, he never uses that work.

The entire review is opaque though. I know that there are word limits, and you have to squeeze as much as you can into as little as space. And perhaps that’s my problem with this article – you need to get the fuck over yourself, dude. Don’t try and argue a thesis for the differentiation between the “traditional fiction narrative” and the narratives used in video games in some shitty three-hundred word review. And then I begin to wonder how much of the game the guy has played:

After Dan discusses the aspects similar to God of War, he goes on to say:

But you’ll need ample brainpower to follow a suspect’s DNA trail or find the many hidden clues

Really? Ample brainpower? What an ugly sentence for starters. And then, how much of the game did you play, dude? There’s hyper-exposition by the character Batman in the game that constantly keeps the gamer on his path. If anything, from what I’ve played, the game seems surprisingly dumb and linear. Not to say it isn’t fun, but brainpower? I mean, surely with your phrases like “traditional fictional narrative” and “reconciles these two formats’ disparate aesthetics”, you must have excelled. Seriously. What a bunch of pretentious garbage.

I know that at Spin the writers seem to fashion themselves as cool hunters and reject anything that doesn’t sound like a shitty thesis paper for any sort of article, but it just seems absurd. A half-baked review that is more interested with textual wankage than actually serving a good review. Listen, the mouthbreathing assfucks who are reading the magazine in their Extra Small t-shirts and their black jeans that cut off circulation are two things. Fucking dumb, and hyper impressionable. Not only are they going to not understand your crap, but they’re going to start thinking this kind of awful prose is acceptable.

And oh yeah, you have that job and I don’t.

Alien Penetration Erotica. Yes, someone typed that into Google today, and Mr. Google passed them along to us. I’ve started a Category, Search Engine Terms, for collating all the bizarre references that bring people here.

As an aside, whoever typed in Alien Penetration Erotica, I can help you. No, serious. I don’t know if my readers are aware of Mandy Morbid, but you should be. She’s a gorgeous porn star, with tattoos and a pink mohawk. I wish I could make that up. Her body is refuckulous, in the same way that Christina Hendricks’ is. As in, she’s pale, with curves that defy logic.

And, oh yeah! She   made her own real life Alien Tentacle rape. It’s odd. Morbid is awesome enough to give away scenes free at her website’s archives, which can be found here.

You know what’s fucked up? Someone searched Alien Penetration Erotica, and I could help them. Because I’ve watched it.

The Guild is an online sitcom featuring esoteric jokes that only homos like me will get. This music video used to hype up Season 3 debuted like two weeks ago, which makes it five thousand years old in Internet time. Somehow I missed it.

However, watching it, I was pretty torn. First off, it features Felicia Day. However, it features Felicia Day trying to act, at least ironically sexy. Now, for nerds like me, Felicia Day is a dream. She’s a smart chick, with pale skin, who does stuff like star in Dr. Horrible, and cut episodes of Dollhouse. In short, she’s sexy because she’s not super seductive. I know it’s all tongue-in-cheek in this video, but I’m all, “Felicia Day is hot when she’s not trying to act conventionally hot.” I know I’m in the minority, and that many a nerds have laden their fingers with their spilled seed to this video.

As for the song, “(Do You Wanna Date My) Avatar”, it’s pretty cool. For the six people who get the references, and the loved ones they’ve subjected to their MMO playing. Like, for instance, I will get it, and all my friends will, but random people who stumble across it will be like “Jesus Christ look at these RPG fags.” Then they’ll go back to playing Madden 10 and trying shitty cheap beer in their frat houses.

Ha!