Before I even start tearing into this week’s brew review, I have to pause a moment to issue a statement of gratitude. Without the assistance of my good buddy Riff-Daddy, this week’s entry would never have been possible. Riff-Daddy took it upon himself to drive all the way to Troy, New York just to pick up a six-pack for me. He totally wasn’t there anyways to visit his girlfriend. He told me that he was just sitting around in his underwear watching episodes of Charles in Charge and he thought, “Damn, I should drive four hours each-way to help out Pepsibones.”

So it is with the utmost sincerity that I thank you, Riff-Daddy. You’re a good guy. I love you.

Ok, transitioning away from traces of homoeroticism and into a beer review…This week sees me guzzling Oatmeal Stout from Brown’s Brewing Company. I first encountered this brand when Riff-Daddy and I, on our way to a concert, stopped into their signature taproom in Troy. Their drafts nearly blew my shoes off. Seriously, if I hadn’t made sure to securely fasten the Velcro straps I would’ve been in big, big trouble.

Keep Reading »

Over the course of the last week or so I’ve been rereading Arthur Miller’s quasi-historical The Crucible in preparation to teach it. I had forgotten the density and poignancy of the play — Miller’s work is pretty much a head-on condemnation of our current power structure, criticizing the fact that it is based on racism, sexism, paranoia, religiously justified oppression and the process of othering.

Of course, I’m going to have to water down all of these ideas as I attempt to present them to a body of fifteen-year-olds who couldn’t care less. And while I abhor the concept of compromising sick ideas, I am willing to do so as long as I keep a promise to myself. No matter how little interest these teenagers show, I am going to ensure that they walk away from The Crucible knowing one thing for sure:

Giles Corey is the motherfucking man.

In true, historically-verified terms, Giles was an old-ass man accused of witchcraft during the Salem Witch Trials of 1692. When you think of him, think of that bad-ass geezer who isn’t afraid to speak his mind or take a stand. In Arthur Miller’s words, “Giles Corey, eighty-three…He is knotted with muscle, canny, inquisitive, and still powerful.”

According to Puritan Law, any man who would not plead either guilty or innocent to an accusation could not be tried in court. Giles refused to plead innocent because he didn’t want to subject himself to an unjust trial and he wouldn’t plead guilty because he wasn’t a goddamn witch. In such instance, the Puritan authorities would lay a suspect on his back and then place as much weight on him as required to elicit a plea (thereby justifying a trial).

But Giles never succumbed to the (literal) pressure. Subjected to this torture for days, Corey never issued a statement regarding the accusation of witchcraft. Elizabeth Proctor from The Crucible clarifies:

He were not hanged. He would not answer aye or nay to his indictment; for if he denied the charge they’d hang him surely, and auction out his property. So he stand mute, and died Christian under the law. And so his sons will have his farm. It is the law, for he could not be condemned a wizard without he answer the indictment, aye or nay.

In fact, the only words slipping out his mouth during the entire endeavor were “More weight.” Giles Corey is the definitive old-man bad-ass.

Found  below are a campy recreation of Giles’ fatal pressing and the music video for Unearth’s Giles.

Kristen Bell has a movie coming out this week, “Couples Retreat.” It looks awful. But yet, my friend Dave and I are seriously contemplating seeing the movie. Why? It’s simple. Veronica Mar…er, Kristen Bell is in the flick. In a bikini. The nerdpull dragging us towards the screen is almost indefatigable.

So news that she’s going to be in another movie coming up? I’m stoked. I’m going to throw on my Pulse t-shirt and wait for this beautiful monster to arrive:

Via Slashfilm

Kristen Bell will appear opposite Christina Aguilera in the musical drama Burlesque

Kristen Bell? Musical? Perhaps dance numbers? Spin spin spinnnn!

There’s a few things that are frequently rocketing around the anticipatory portions of my brain. Bayonetta, Final Fantasy XIII and…Mass Effect 2. Apparently, Mass Effect 2 is going to be the “Empire Strikes Back” of the series. Which really isn’t, you know, news at all. Isn’t every sequel something that aspires to be the ESB of the series?   BioWare co-founder Greg Zeschuk comments:

Via IGN:

“If you recall, Empire Strikes Back was the darker chapter and that is how we designed the ME2 story and experience: to try and make the player reflect on the challenges of the character. If you put ME2 next to the original it is definitely a darker, harder game.”

It makes sense. I don’t really have anything else to say about it. I’m just a whore for anything Mass Effect 2. Mass Effect 2’s obvious correlation to ESB, Mass Effect’s money-grab with unique armor, Mass Effect fanfiction featuring Shepard and Wrex intercourse? I’m there, there, there.

My friend Buddy, while not trying to avoid telepathic death, occasionally sends me rad shit to view. This is one of those cases. The forthcoming video is of the Cookie Monster and a Pink Gorilla rocking the fuck out in a subway station. Turns out they’re part of a musical group called the Xylopholks. Who apparently are bizarre, and fucking awesome.

From the Xylopholks Myspace:

The XYLOPHOLKS are a dynamic group of musicians who mostly play novelty ragtime music from the 1920’s (featuring the xylophone!). They do so while wearing furry animal costumes. The XYLOPHOLKS wish to make people happy and perhaps even dance

Trippy, odd, awesomeness. Check out their MySpace. Also, check out a video of them shredding it up in some sort of beautiful true hallucination after the jump.

Keep Reading »

The OCTOBERFEAST has proven to be a true labor of love. When I created the general outline I had no clue that I would find myself so bitterly conflicted about some of the specific details. Looking towards today’s post, I was at a loss. Perhaps I had originally left my schedule partially incomplete with the faith of later discovering a naturally fitting entry. I couldn’t help but feel my stomach bottom out when I looked at the calendar and saw:

October 8^th — Iron Maiden — (Figure out song later).

Fuck.

I find it foolish to argue against the notion that Iron Maiden is the most legendary of active metal bands. With a career spanning over thirty years, one would expect them to be mere shadows of their former selves. Not the case. Unlike Metallica, Iron Maiden can still put on a live performance without butchering the songs or relying on theatrics. And while Maiden’s recent studio albums aren’t their best efforts, they’re hardly the self-parodies of which Megadeth seems so fond. These are old dudes that can still actually lay it down.

With  an enormous repertoire — fifteen studio albums — how can I choose one song for Omega-Level’s seasonal celebration? Thematically, the occult is embedded into almost every single piece of Iron Maiden’s catalogue. Therefore, the inclusion of any one track necessarily results in the exclusion of all sorts of songs about demons and pharaohs and warlords (Oh My!). Simply put, the task at hand is daunting.

But I’m no sissy — I’m the Grand Admiral of OCTOBERFEAST! And this means that I’m the guy who has to make the tough decisions. So here we go. Even though almost any track could fit, I think that one of Iron Maiden’s songs works especially well:

The Number of the Beast

Sharing its name with the album on which Bruce Dickinson made his debut. The Number of the Beast is one of Iron Maiden’s most recognizable hymns. Iron Maiden create more of an epic journey in Beast’s five minutes than many bands could manage in twenty. The band delivers a haunting introduction, soaring melodies, Harris’ signature bass lines and the breathtaking vocals for which all of Brazil would scream. Musically, The Number of the Beast is the ideal towards which all rockers strive.

More importantly, The Number of the Beast is a perfect anthem for Hallow’s Eve. Before any music starts, the listener is treated to a ghoulish voice announcing —

Woe to you, Oh Earth and Sea

For the Devil sends the
Beast with wrath, because he knows the time is short…
Let him who hath understanding reckon the number of the Beast for it is a human number —

Its number is six hundred and sixty six.

Every time that I hear that, I begin to think that I should forfeit agnosticism and begin worshipping Satan.

Once the song kicks in, Dickinson sings us through hellish landscapes and evil intentions. The chorus (which plays great live as a sing-a-long) screams “666 — The number of the Beast // 666 — the one for you and me!”

You should check out the music video. It is a seriously awesome combination of performance, clips from cheesy horror movies and an appearance by Eddie!

Iron Maiden – The Number of the Beast

Bayonetta is going to be one of those things that I’m not going to stop talking about until I play it. Every week seems to bring another god damn revelation that pushes me towards the brink of both human, and gamer climax. Last week it was a Japanese commercial that featured “Nonstop Climax Action” and a Bayonetta sucking a lollipop. This week? Bayonetta butt cheeks. Butt cheeks are awesome. Seriously. Male and female bums are cool, and the cheeks are a big part of the hotness.

Well, apparently a demo for Bayonetta is out, and it features her and her butt cheeks. Why, you ask? Tell them, Destructoid!

Bayonetta’s magical hair wraps around her body and acts like clothing. The hair is also used in a variety of attacks, able to form fists, boots and huge monsters. The beauty of this system is that every time Bayonetta pulls off a combo, she loses her clothes. The more impressive the move, the more naked she gets. It’s genius on a fiendish level.

Let me break it down for you guys. This is fucking phenomenal.

1. The more ass you kick
2. The more ass you see

This is brilliance.

One of the smartest things that Square did back in the day was bundle hot-ass demos for a Final Fantasy game with some other title you were never going to play. It was enough for me to buy both Tobal No. 1 and Brave Fencer. They were both pretty sweet, but I would have never touched them otherwise.

Well, EA seems pretty smart. Them or Bioware. Because bundled in with a new copy of BioWare’s upcoming Dragon Age Origins is a sweet piece of armor. That you can use in the forthcoming Mass Effect 2. Listen, I would drink toilet water that has been used by Shepard and crew. So this armor is so, so, so fucking tempting.

I had tried to forget about the fact that they were bundling this sexy armor for ME2 in with Dragon Age, but then BioWare released this video where you see it in action. In Mass Effect 2. Lords of Kobol, give me discipline. Check out the video after the jump.
Keep Reading »

Via Slashfilm:

Three weeks prior to its October 28th release, Michael Jackson’s This Is It is now one of the MovieTickets.com Top-25 Advance Ticket Sellers of All-Time, bumping The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring from the Number 25 slot. At the same point in the sales cycle, Michael Jackson’s This Is It is on the heels of Hannah Montana & Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds, the highest grossing concert film of all-time.

I’ll stop complaining about people worshiping a child-molesting monster when people stop worshiping a child-molesting monster. That goes for you too, Polanski!

Seriously, what the fuck is going on? Is Child Molesting the New Black? Someone grab their binoculars and let’s go hunt some playgrounds. If you’re not nose deep in Smurf underwear, you’re a lamer!