Yeah, you go ahead and grimace Jacob. You’re grimacing like I am, at the uneven quality of this week’s LOST. There were some totally radical moments, and then there were some really unsubtle and painful scenes, where the dialogue made me go, wtf, no seriously? I can’t tell if I totally like the mundane action of LA X, or if it is lulling me to sleep in the middle of epic Island adventuring.

Hurley is the stud of this show right now. Almost every scene he is in, I’m totally digging on. Our portly fellow continues to mix together hilarious metacommentary on the show itself with other witty comments:

You ever try to get Jack to do something? It’s like impossible. I can just go myself…Okay, it’s bad enough you already made me write down way too much, and I just lied to a samurai.

Awesome. I love how they continue to have Hurley act as the mouthpiece for almost everything the viewer is thinking. I mean, Jesus Christ, c’mon Jacob! Everyone knows that Jack, along with everyone else on the Island are bunch of obstinate assholes, who listen to no one and only do what they please. It’s amusing to hear it out loud.

Claire is romping through the jungle with Jin and drags him back to her hut of depravity. There is something really creepy going on with Jack’s half-sister. Be it her shitty hair, or the skeleton-baby in her crib, or the fact that she’s burying hatchets in dudes, yeah, something’s up.

What is up?

Don’t you remember!

She’s infected!

With what?

AN INFECTION, DUMMY.

The big reveal at the end of the episode is that her friend that she kept referencing throughout the episode was the Man in Black. The double-twist that really wrinkled the ole proverbial testicles was that she knew he wasn’t Locke. Oh. Snap. Claire walked off with the MiB back at the end of Season Four when he was rockin’ out as her Dad. And now it seems that she’s totally down with Smokey. Interesting.

I really want to know how Claire and Sayid became infected with the infection, since I assume that once they’ve become engulfed in it they’re under Smokey’s power, and do this a lot:

Damn.

So yeah, Claire is batshit crazy and working with the Man in Black. She’s hellbent on getting Aaron back, and I’m all like, uh, bitch, you fucking left him two seasons ago! Maybe if you hadn’t wandered off into the forest in the dead of night with the specter of your father, you wouldn’t be trying to desperately to find him. Just saying. I mean, I know that there are many philosophies regarding parenting, most of which involve leaving your kid in front of a TV or video game console and then complaining when they grow up to get drunk in the woods and spend all damn day on the Tweeterbook or whatever. But I’m just going to go out and condemn the “Abandon Your Baby And Vanish Into the Forest” approach.

I can already hear the groans of people expecting more from the LA X dimension. I know this because I had two friends groaning on my futon last night about how fucking boring the storylines set there are. I’m trying really hard to enjoy them,   because I figure there has to be some value to them. Right? I mean, please?

This week we get to see Jack the Shitty Dad. Over the course of the twenty minutes allocated to LA X, we watch Jack as he tries his hand at parenting, realizes he’s becoming OMFG, just like his own father, and makes solid with his kid. I can see where they’re going thematically. They want to show you what would have been different, et cetera, et cetera. Or rather, blah blah blah. Unfortunately, what works on paper as a neat concept – show the viewers the banal existence they would have suffered had they not landed on the Island!, is just sort of boring in execution.

This is the sort of stuff that interests me on LA X; shit like Jack not remembering when he had his appendix removed in that timeline, and myself quietly begging that it has something to do with an overlapping with the Oceanic 815-Crashed timeline. I hold my breath hoping that LA X plays out more than a sterile drama, and in my darkest moments, I begin to worry it won’t.

Yo, we get it. At first all the books they were dropping in the show that had allusions to the plot were cool. But it’s like they’re just smashing us in the face with their themes. I mean, last week Al Bundy’s wife tells Locke outright, “Maybe it’s destiny! Destiny! Do you get it? Destiny!” and this week we’re handling Alice in Wonderland. RABBIT HOLES OMFG I GET IT.

Ah, the Lighthouse. I mean, c’mon. If you didn’t think this part was rad, you’re a fucking asshole. Or maybe you’re just not a fanboy like me. But Jacob, much like God, has been watching over all of the candidates throughout their entire lives. Every candidate is assigned a number, and corresponds with a point on the wheel that rotates the mirror. Am I wrong in assuming there are 360 degrees, and consequently, 360 candidates on the wheel?

Of course Jack is impetuous as fuck, as ever, and after finding himself on the wheel, goes banana-shit crazy and demands they put the dial on his number. It reveals his old-ass house and he’s all butthurt because Jacob has been watching him take craps and suffer throughout his entire life. Then Jack decides to beat up a helpless mirror, and trash Jacob’s sweet voeyeur device.

Everyone on the fucking Island is so impulsive and hard-headed, and it is infuriating to watch their stupidity sometimes. You just know they’re going to fuck everything up. Of course Jack has to make with the breaking of the lighthouse mirror, of course. Because he’s an asshole, like everyone else on that plane.

That shit is rad though. C’mon. There’s a mysterious lighthouse with a mirror that allows Jacob to peer into the lives of those he had chosen as candidates. It’s creepy, and it continues to make me wonder how these people were dubbed worthy of being candidates.

I’m going to ignore the bad line about having to let Jack look out at the ocean to figure out his destiny and just fawn over Jacob’s interaction with Hurley towards the end of the episode. I really dig on Jacob’s nonchalance towards whatever happens on the Island. The guy has been stabbed and thrown into a firepit, and he still exudes a peacefulness that I can dig. It all carries over from his initial conversation, where he   makes it known that he believes the human spirit will persevere. Guy has faith in everything working out, and even if it doesn’t, I can respect his optimism.

He is a man with a plan, and it don’t matter if you smash his lighthouse “into a billion pieces”.

When Jacob tells Hurley that he needed to get Jack and him away from the Temple, I was like, here we go, fuck, they’re going to run off to the Temple like assholes. But Jacob drops the bomb that they’re too late already, and I was totally stoked. Man in Black is going to tear some shit up at the Temple, and for once, the assholes running around the Island aren’t going to be boneheaded and run towards danger.

Next week, hopefully MiB tears up Dogen’s samurai ass (paging Freud), and Jack stops being emo and finally realizes he has to kick some ass. Remember Shephard, brother, ain’t nothing irreversible. Just because you’ve totally blown as a leader and ruined lives, you still got a chance at redemption.

Or at least give me more Hurley.

Search Engine Terms, baby! Best one in a while?

Hal Jordan will fuck.

It sounds like the perfect teaser for the Green Lantern movie:

THIS SUMMER. HAL JORDAN WILL FUCK.

One can dream.

Also, double-daps to “dorm anal”; to whoever pulls that off, big ups.

I’m fucking insane for jelly beans. What a great time of years, when I can just go up to a register at my local Target-Greens, Rite-Mart, or CVS and buy bags of raw sugar. Little round balls of teeth-rotting goodness. And they’re mad cheap, too. The jelly bean may be the candy that was designed with me in mind. Bless you Jesus Christ for being crucified, because the jelly beans which logically come from the season which celebrates your self-rez. Kudos and jelly beans to you!

Monday Morning Commute. Every Monday I’m going to detail the various things I’m either currently or will be watching, reading, playing, and listening to in the next seven days. It’s Monday. You’ve got a long week of school, work, or compulsive masturbation to get through. Tell me the arts that you’re indulging in, to stave off suicide.

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Pepsibones and I handle the writing and production of slop for Omega Level. But both of us being incapable of doing anything more than producing empty sentences and similes involving bodily functions, we’ve relied on a good friend to do all the programming and graphical production for the site.

After growing an impressive beard over the winter that likened him to the Italian equivalent of Osama Bin Laden, he constructed this masterpiece on his face over the weekend. It was too tremendous to not save for posterity’s sake.

Don’t let his soft smile trick you, he’s just trying to lull your defenses. There’s a caged animal within, looking to kidnap your children and befoul your Mom.

I cajoled him into throwing his modesty away and striking a thunderous pose, that likes of which displays the numerous rippling muscles he will use to scale your house, throw your mother (or father depending on his whims that night) over his shoulder, and much like King Kong, run away into the night to commit treachery upon your friendship.

Rise and shine, babies, it’s Saturday — the greatest day of the goddamn week! For some, Saturday means lounging around watching cartoons all morning. For others, this day is all about nursing a hangover from the night before. And for some particularly sad bastards, it means carting the kids around to soccer games or karate practice, praying for a minor traffic accident to liven things up.

But no matter what you plan for Saturday, it should always begin with a nutritious breakfast. I understand that during the week, most people (myself included) don’t have the time to eat a decent morning meal. But on the weekends, there’s really no excuse to not put some good fuel into the `ole gut-tank.

Waking up earlier than the surgeon general advises, I took the opportunity to pick up a dozen donuts. Rather than settling for a twelve-pack from Dunkin Donuts, I decided to take the slightly longer trek to Kane’s Donuts – a staple of the Boston area’s North Shore. This joint has an old-time coffee shop vibe, as though you were stopping into a friend’s house unannounced. It’s this type of atmosphere, the forfeiture of shiny counters & paint-by-numbers service in favor of authenticity & genuine personality, which will always keep me coming back to small-time diners and restaurants.

Nana Loves Donuts

I’m kicking off my Saturday with donuts in my gut and black coffee in my veins.

How’re you starting yours?

Today is the last day of February vacation. I know, I know — I shouldn’t complain, seeing as most jobs don’t include an occasional week-long break. Hell, these days, people are willing to take all sorts of jobs without benefits. With that being said, I’ve certainly enjoyed the time off and have wanted to make the most of these final vacation hours.

So what have I done to maximize my Friday-no-work time? Well, a major portion of this afternoon has been spent watching Raging Bull on YouTube and drinking beer.

But before we get to the beer, I feel the need to interject a bit of movie-rambling. After all, I’ve got a buzz on and OL is my zone to do so. To anyone out there that thinks The Departed is an amazing movie — you’re wrong. It’s pretty good. For a remake. But it’s not that spectacular. Yeah, I know, the use of the Boston accent is just wonderful (oh wait, no it isn’t…it’s fucking infuriating). But the bottom line is that it’s nothing more than a solid flick.

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I came across this second Kick-Ass Red Band Trailer today over at Slashfilm. It features more of the same as the previous Red Band, which is to say everything they can’t show in the rated ones but they should. Pepsibones and I are looking forward to this movie with a certain voraciousness, though I think his excitement far exceeds mine. Check out the trailer, and marvel at a teenybopper girl saying the word “cock”. It’s fratboy humor, which means I love it, but you may hate it.

[images & words is the comic book pick-of-the-week at OL. equal parts review and diatribe, the post highlights the most memorable/infuriating/entertaining book released that wednesday]

Joe the Barbarian is a mindfuck. A powerful, yet sweet, mindfuck that leaves the reader gasping for breath and begging for more. I have no doubt that those readers who prefer the pump-and-dump style of narrative-coitus are going to dismiss Joe the Barbarian as just another example of Grant Morrison’s insanity.

Two issues in, I’m inclined to disagree. While starting a bit slow, Joe the Barbarian definitely feels as though it’s working towards something beautiful. Sure, it’s still incredibly unclear whether the protagonist is actually engaged in a cross-dimensional journey or if he’s just hallucinating/imagining the whole ordeal (I’d guess the latter), but that’s of little consequence at this point. All that matters is that Joe is genuinely invested in his quest, thereby capturing the readers’ attention.

Fuck, I’ve done it again — I’ve somehow started reviewing a comic book without even explaining its damn premise. Hell, maybe I should’ve taken a journalism course or some shit (see: poor excuse). Or, I could just delete these three sentences, but that would somehow seem dishonest.

Anyways, this second issue of Joe the Barbarian picks up right where the first left off, with Joe seeking refuge in his childhood action figures after a rough day. How rough was this day? Well, Joe was given the impression by his mom that their house might be on the brink of foreclosure, he was bullied by a pack of goons, and he spent a bit of time brooding about his dead father. Yikes. But with the help of the action figures in his attic, Joe is transported to an alternate reality. An alternate reality that, according to these toys, Joe must save from total destruction

Throughout the second issue, Joe (referred to as “The Dying Boy” by one especially ominous action figure) begins to make his journey out of the attic and towards the rest of the house. At times, the readers are given glimpses of what Joe is really doing –  this either  puts his epic journey in perspective or creates a greater contrast between the world as most see it and as it is seen by the hero. Again, this makes the reader ask some important questions; did Joe really break an anthropomorphic-rat-warrior named Chakk out of jail, or did he just let his pet rat Jack out of its cage? Is Lord Arc actually an outcast who once ruled a throne of light, or is Joe  talking to a lightning storm? Is Joe a chosen warrior, or is he just a hypoglycemic teen in desperate need of a candy bar?

Even if definitive answers are never delivered, the expedition from which they arise is worthwhile in its own right. Although I’m going to give writer/creator Grant Morrison his fair share of credit (yes, sometimes his madness is genius and not the other way around), I think Joe the Barbarian is truly successful because of artist Sean Murphy. As mundane and realistic as Murphy depicts Joe’s house, it’s Narnia-ified counterpart is twice as fantastic. Two-page spreads of life-size action figures in the midst of war are perfectly executed, as are skyscapes with impossible airships and  stunning crescent moons. I’m not familiar with Murphy’s body of work, but his performance on Joe the Barbarian is bound to etch a place in my (admittedly depleted) brain-bank.

And although it’s a damn shame I’m putting this individual last (and am too lazy to edit this post so that  he’s first), a big-ups is due to colorist Dave Stewart. As well as Murphy illustrates rat warriors and giant flaming skulls that hang ethereally, Stewart pounds on their chests and brings them to life. So while the night skies of Joe’s fantasy world  evoke a sense astonishment, it is  the faded purple hue  that enables them to breathe and live. I really think Stewart may be outdoing his best work with Joe the Barbarian.

Joe the Barbarian #2 is just wonderful. With the interplay between fantasy and reality (ala Wizard of Oz or Chronicle of Narnia), this is a book that can be enjoyed by all ages. It’s one of those rare finds, a  story that’s innocent enough for children but mature enough to entertain adults.

You’d be a fool to not give this comic a shot.

With thunder and lightning LOST returned this week to the epicness that we had all come to expect from the show. After a throwaway episode last week that left me at a frothing level of indignancy, this week threw so much at me that I have no idea how to begin to wrestle with the episode. Questions were answered, but as always, fourteen more took their place. Right after watchin’ this shit, I was like, fuck me, I have to make something intelligent out of the awesomeness that I just absorbed into my skull-plate. Because honestly, this is really all I wanted to say:

Fucking awesome!
Huh?
Jesus Christ!
Woah.
Huh?
What?
Holy fucking shit.
Tuesday is so far away.

That’s it man, that’s really it. The episode left my brain a gooey melange of confused awesomeness. But let’s try and think about this shit.

It seems obvious to start with the brain-shattering revelation that was why all of the peeps we have come to know are on the Island. Jacob beckoned them to the Island because he’s been searching for a substitute. Get it? Get the title of the Island? Yeah, me too. And from the looks of the scrawlings on the inside of whatever sort of damp, creepy cave the Man in Black brought Sawyer to, he’s been going at it for a long, long fucking time. As well, we finally get to see what the numbers were for. Sort of. MiB tells Sawyer that “Jacob had a thing for numbers”, which sort of explains why they’ve been fucking everywhere, but uh, not really. That said, I’m completely fine with that being the explanation behind them even if they don’t elaborate any further.

Of all the mysteries of the Island, this is one of the ones I give the least shit about.

It’s also worth noting that The Freckled Hussy wasn’t one of the ones that MiB mentioned being summoned to the Island. I know this because I turned to my friend Tommy and said fourteen times, “You sure she wasn’t shown? You sure? You sure? Totally sure? I should shut the fuck up? Okay, yeah…You sure?” Does Jacob’s heir have to be male? That seemed to be what we dragged out of it.

More of MiB’s revelation in a moment, but let’s diverge off this path. LOST style, hypertextual trains of thought!

Was there anything more frightening and entertaining than Dicky Alpert running out of the jungle like a fucking crackhead and accosting Sawyer? Seriously. Dude was losing his fucking mind, and it was awesome. For years the dude has been the composed, sexy, strong dude of righteous immortality. This episode? Dude was tweaking out! He scampers out of the bushes and is like, “C’mon man! We got to go! We-got-to-go! C’mon bro! Seriously, let’s fucking go! MiB kicked my ass and smeared my mascara! He is fucking legit!”

Just what the fuck is Richard? If he came from the Blackrock as a dude to potentially replace Jacob, he clearly wasn’t chosen. Was Jacob all managerial and like “Well, see here Richard. We don’t think you have the stuff to protect the Island for thousands of years, given your experience, but we’d like to take you on as a steward!”

And just like that, Crackhead Richard ran back off into the jungle, fleeing from another ass-whupping from MiB. And speaking of the MiB, how about that first-person perspective of Smokey doin’ his thang? Fucking epic! Epic with a capital EPIC! Yeah, that doesn’t make sense.

Hurley is fucking awesome. That’s all. I really enjoy seeing the inversion of his character from the I’m Totally Fucked Guy to Yo Man, Don’t Sweat It. For that matter, Hurley’s inversion is also in line with Locke’s dismissal of faith and miracle, and Jack’s belief in it.

Locke’s life on LA X fucking sucks, a lot. And as I’ve mentioned, he seems a broken, pathetic man, just like MiB mentions in the season premiere. I’m really fingering my brain over what they’re doing with LA X. My bro Pepsibones thinks it may be nothing more than a mundane drama, showing us the unremarkable lives they all would have led if they weren’t brought there. I’m not sold on that shit, but it does seem eerie that Locke’s Fiance Whose Name I Forget shreds Jack’s card, perhaps dismissing any sense of miracle and the destiny we’re expecting.

I ain’t sold though. These people are meant to be together, and they will. I just ain’t got no idea how.

Also, Ben as the school teacher? Fucking huh? I don’t know, man. Ben being a teacher makes me wonder if his ass was ever on the Island, and if not, just how long ago did the Island itself sink? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?! Is it Destiny, or mundanity?

The interweaving of destiny comes up throughout the episode, but there is no greater point than when MiB tells Sawyer that Jacob has played them all for the fools and brought them to the Island. MiB is all “Blah, blah, Jacob effected the course of your life to bring you here, as you were meant to be.” And he’s right, maybe. There were a zillion choices they could have made that would have pushed them off the course they were on. However, what MiB fails to mention is how he has been manipulating everyone just as he claims Jacob has, and maybe in even more nefarious ways.

Everything that led up to Jacob’s death has been executed by MiB. From getting Locke to leave the Island, to having Benjamin kill Locke, all of this was in an effort to gain the trust of Ben so they could put the ole stabby-stab into Jacob. Is there any free will going on, on the Island? Or have they all been chess pieces for both MiB and Jacob? Who the fuck knows.

I’m going to guess that Jacob is neither as benevolent as we may have thought, nor as cunning and selfish as MiB makes him out to be.

Either way, there seems to be an inherent necessity for balance on the Island, which MiB has disrupted. From the tilting of the scales to the eerie little fucker in the woods telling MiB, “You know the rules, you can’t kill him”, everything points towards MiB and Jacob being symbolic of the balance of Good and Evil in the world. Both are needed for the other to exist. Jacob and MiB’s conversation at the end of season five contrast the two of them, and now makes much more sense in light of the fact that Jacob summons them to the Island to replace him.

MiB: They come, fight, they destroy, they corrupt. It always ends the same.

Jacob: It only ends us, anything that happens before that, is just progress.

Jacob’s search for a replacement is centered around his notion in the potential for humanity. Despite being disappointed for what seems like hundreds, if not thousands, of years, Jacob considers the idea of a replacement for him to be plausible, if not inevitable. How long Jacob has been searching, or what his criteria is, or even further, if there was someone before Jacob? Who the fuck knows.

Good morning! To all the dudes and babes that stumble onto the den of iniquity that is OL — welcome to Wednesday. For some, this means that this cycle of  the forty-hour work-week is halfway finished. Hang in there. For others, Wednesday means the release of sweet, sweet paneled pages.

Me? I’m trying to enjoy February vacation. Unfortunately, I’ve risen before noon for the third day in a row. Damn my conditioning. Therefore, I’m pounding coffee like Bill Murray in Delirium (as seen above) and hoping something spectacular happens.

Now that you’ve woken up, what does Wednesday mean for you?