Yeah, welcome to Variant Covers! I’ve been slacking like a fucking asshole. I have a thick ass stack of stretchy-limbs, sociopaths, mutants and blind dudes with nunchucks to catch up with. Float me this week and I’ll float your boat. Instead of previewing what is coming out this week, I’m going to give you the lowdown on the shit I heartily recommend you check out, if not follow with an insatiable ass-lust.

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Choker:
Choker is the demented love child of Blade Runner and super-vulgarity. It’s super profane, super gritty, superly super. It’s a detective story at the peak of expletive-laden blood-soaked awesomeness.

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Daredevil:
Daredevil. Oh, do I love thee. One man’s internal struggle with his demons made literal, as the bro attempts to control the Hand. This is going to end in tears. Or maybe it already has. Like I’ve said, I haven’t read the latest issue. Inorite? Fuck me.

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Fantastic Four:
Jonathan Hickman is fucking fantastic. Puns ahoy! But seriously. I don’t read enough comic books that can intertwine the intergalactic with the heart. Or really, I don’t read any besides this.

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Donkey Kong Country is coming back this year. Fuck to the yes! And not only that, but they’ve got their heads out of their asses (I don’t know who they are), and they’re taking it sidescrolling. Just like this son of a bitch was meant to be. And Retro Studios, the peeps behind the Metroid games are rocking it? Oh good lord, I’m going to blast a barrel of banana juice.

Fuck yeah! I knew that my Nintendo Zelda and Mario Player would eventually give way to a new Zelda game for me to play.

via kotaku:

NIntendo’s Shigeru Miyamoto demonstrated the game, showing a control scheme using the Wiimote and Nunchuk as Link’s sword and shield.

The game takes advantage of Nintendo’s Wii MotionPlus Wii Remote add-on. Players use the A and B buttons on the Wii Remote, and the C and Z buttons on the Nunchuk. Realistic motion control action take care of the rest. So, for example, target enemies with Z, and swing at any angle to slice and dice.

When players hold Link’s sword up to the sky, players can charge it up with solar energy and then throw sun beams at enemies – hence, the game title of Skyward Sword.

In the game’s HUD, the Wii Remote appears, telling players how to use items, check the map and swing the sword. To use the slingshot, players aim the Wii Remote and tap the A button to shoot.

The game appears more realistic and in that way in the same vein as previously Wii Zelda title Twilight Princess; however, the game is lighter and more vibrant.

To use the in-game bombs, tap the B button and raise the Wii Remote to throw.

The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword is slated for a 2011 release.

Hell to the fucking yes, yo. I am so sold. Having just finished Super Mario Galaxy 2, I was wondering how many months would it be until I actually booted up my Wii again. Apparently in 2011, for Zelda. And I’m cool with that.

[via eclectic banana: click to enlarge]

This is all you need to know about Bulletstorm. You shoot the fucking shit out of shit. You swear a lot. There’s fucking hilarious (intentionally) cheesy action movie lines like “I predict an imminent detonation…”, ” I predict an imminent getting the fuck out of here!” and “Last train out of explosion town!” You shoot more dudes. You rack up insane arcadey combos. You have fucking sweet fucking weapons. You shoot more shit. I think the main character is voiced by Spike Spiegel’s voice actor. Who also did 7-Eleven ads, which is double fucking win. Hit the jump, watch the trailer, sorry about your genitals.

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Motherfucking True Blood! It’s back! And it didn’t suck! Yes, righteous, awesome, et cetera. I had an inkling that I actually enjoyed True Blood, and it was something I was certain of by the time the “Last Season on True Blood” ran prior to last night’s season debut. With knowledge in hand that certainly Maryann was dead, Eggs was fucking rigor mortis, and nothing could be worse than the last five episodes of last season, I dove in. And it was fucking assloads of fun! Literally!

I mean, jesus christ, how many ass shots did they give us last night? Not that I don’t think it was warranted. All last season was like, copious tits and orgies. Where were the dude butts at? Sure, there were the scenes where Sookie fantasized about Eric and he was laying in bed with her and stuff. But still, where was the butt at! Well, we got it last night. Jason’s butt, Eric’s butt, where the fuck was Andy’s butt? I was hankering for some cavernous, hairy, unrelenting butthole. But whatever, I can’t complain, can I?

The season premiere had Bill getting kidnapped by a bag of dicks who are apparently werewolves. Wut? Say wut? Alright, this is already cool. I can get down with werewolves. Even if they’re fucking hillbillies that ultimately get owned by good ole Billy Compton. We get to see Bill sans Sookie, and it was right around that point that I realized something: Sookie is a blackhole of gap-toothed suck. Everything that gets sucked into her orbit is mired in suck, infected with her Jack-O-Lantern evil.

How do I know this?

Bill was fucking rad last night. From digging himself out of a grave to snacking on ole Grannie Stinky Puss or whatever her name was, to throwing down with werewolves, he exuded cool in a way that I forgot he could. It’s amazing what the guy can do when he’s not being written as a litany of syrupy proclamations of love.

SOOKIE I LOVE THEE

SOOKIE, I CANNOT ALLOW THEE TO ENDANGER ONE’S SELF

SOOKIE, YOUR HEART IS BUT AN EMBLEM AS GORGEOUS AS THE CONFEDERATE FLAG.

And on and on and on. Rock on Billy Compton. I can adore you, it appears, under the right circumstances.

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HOLY FUCKING SHIT AT THIS METAL GEAR SOLID: RISING TRAILER. Man, god damn Kojima. Just when I thought I could finally dismiss him and MGS as bizarre games as something I’d appreciate but never really get into, this fucking trailer came out. Let me get this straight, I’m going to get to control Raiden as he hacks, slashes, and generally destroys everything in his fucking path? Yes. Yes, yes, yes! I mean, maybe the three-hour cut scenes will be more bearable if at the end of it, I’m doing some straight-up robo-suit ninja-sword killing. I’m fucking sold, again. Fucking Kojima. Hit the jump for the trailer. NINJA TIME.

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The wonderful thing about having to write a weekly column where I tell you everything I’m doing is that I’m terribly boring, and typically doing nothing. I pretend that I’m up to something fantastic, when in general it’s just the usual. Too much late-night eating, happy days with the girlfriend, homework and caffeine. That’s about it, yo. But naw, I’m seriously super exciting. I scale mountains of amazement, and look down upon you peons and just chuckle. Deep belly laughs of condescension. I have a kind of sick desperation in my laugh.

Monday Morning Commute. Every Monday I’m going to detail the various things I’m either currently or will be watching, reading, playing, and listening to in the next seven days. It’s Monday. You’ve got a long week of school, work, or compulsive masturbation to get through. Tell me the arts that you’re indulging in, to stave off suicide.

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If you’re like me, and you think that while Natal/Kinect is visually another sexy object, it is lame as fuck, the name sucks, and you generally abhor the direction of motion controls, then you’re going to love the Microsoft tagline. Or barf everywhere, laughing at the misdirection.

Tagline:

No barriers.
No boundaries.
No gadgets.
No gizmos.
No learning curves.

With Kinect,
you are the controller.

Really? Holy fucking shit. Fantastic. Reminds me of something out of Max Barry’s Syrup.

Hey dickheads! Now you can know the official name for the shitty, Minority Report-esque motion controls that Microsoft is rolling out! Project Natal? Naw man, that shit is fucking lame. Microsoft’s motion controls shall now be dubbed “Kinect!”

FUCKING RIGHTEOUS. I love make believe spellings and X-Treme names! From the company that brought you the XBOX, comes KINECT. So grab your family of fucking invalids, and begin karate chopping and kung-fuing and pretending you’re driving a a race car like a fucking asshole in peace! You’re ready to KINECT with other fat slobby people not resembling the eerily grinning couples and families that every fucking console company trots out when promoting their motion controls.

ETHNICALLY DIVERSE FAMILY FUN THAT DOESN’T INVOLVE DROOLING AT DANCING WITH THE STARS.

MICROSOFT KINECT!

FUCK YOU!