Ahoy! Mutiny on the Cyber-Sea! Caffeine Powered has been sent walking Spanish and now I, Pepsibones Krueger, am steering this vessel known as VARIANT COVERS! Yes! Finally! I GOT THE TOUCH! I GOT THE POWER!

*Ahem* Yeah, so anyways, I’m going to highlight some of this week’s more notable comics releases. Join me – it’s going to be a blast.

Captain America #607

Bucky Barnes continues to rock the shield, even as Steve Rogers has been brought back from wherever. As a fan of character development (I know, I know, maybe I should reevaluate my loyalty to comic books), I am more than pleased that `ole Stars and Stripes’ status quo hasn’t been reinstated. Instead, Brubaker gets to keep pleasing fans readers by toying with paneled mythology.

Truthfully, I kind of forget what’s going on in the series right now. I remember that Bucky and Falcon slap down some thugs and Baron Zemo plans something treacherous. I’m assuming we’ll get more of that this week. With Brubaker/Guice teaming up, the book is virtually guaranteed to be enjoyable.

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Green Lantern #55

Holy shit. This might be the most ridiculous issue of GL in recent history. Setting the tone, this is a crossover with Brightest Day — an event whose direction I’m still unsure of. Yeah, we all know that it has something do to with the end of Blackest Night and whatnot, but what the hell’s going on? Is this something I should really care about or should I just put my eggs in the Return of Bruce Wayne basket? Nevertheless, I give Brightest Day the pass because I got hooked up with an ill White Lantern ring.

So, this comic promises a brawl between Lobo (at one-time a satire, now more of a pastiche) and Atrocitus (the Red Lantern who reminds me of Abdullah the Butcher). Of course, these two troublemakers won’t get away with this sort of intergalactic caca. If I had to guess, I’d say Hal Jordan is going to step it up, punch a hole in the butthead by whom he is most annoyed, and then call it a day.

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[legend has it that Ernest Hemingway wrote a six-word story to win a bar bet — For sale: baby shoes, never worn. leading to the author’s birthday, I’m going to offer a daily post of my own six-word story. readers are encouraged to respond with their own]

Bleeding paint, the artist feigned mastery.

Patrick Bolvin, the dude who brought us Iron Baby, concocted a cute-as-fuck short in which he addresses the important question: what would it be like if man’s best friend was an AT-AT? The results are predictable: it would be fucking sweet. Check out the video after the jump, and try and console yourself that you cannot, in fact, own one.

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Emma Frost has become, in recent years, a ridiculously over sexualized member of the X-Men universe. To the point where even I, horndog personified, have been like: alright, c’mon now, calm down. Nonetheless,   Alice Eve, also known as That Chick from She’s Out Of My League has been cast as the White Queen.

via slashfilm:

Briefly: Alice Eve, the lead actress from She’s Out of My League, is in talks with Fox to play Emma Frost in Matthew Vaughn’s upcoming X-Men: First Class, reports Deadline. Not long ago, very tenuous rumor had suggested the role might go to Rosamund Pike, but Pike has also been linked to the role of Moira McTaggert.

Yes? No? What do you guys think.

Jeph Loeb as Marvel Executive VP, and Head of Television? Oh noes.

via comics alliance:

Marvel Entertainment has announced that Jeph Loeb, writer of comic books like “Batman: The Long Halloween” and “Ultimatum,” has been named an Executive Vice-President and Head of Television at the company. Loeb, who previously worked as a writer and Co-Executive Producer on the Emmy-nominated NBC superhero TV show “Heroes” and a writer and producer on “Lost” and the Superman series “Smallville,” will be tasked with developing both animated and live-action television projects for Marvel properties as well as direct-to-DVD content.

Jeph Loeb used to be awesome. Superman: For All Season, The Long Halloween, and other tales were fantastic. He used to be one of my favorite writers. But for awhile he’s been meddling in the gulches of bullshit, penning titles that are so painfully painful, they’re either meta-amusing, or like watching your Dad trying to slow dance at some club. His “edgy” storylines on Ultimatum and Ultimates 3 were train wrecks, and either elicited groans or sympathy.

To be fair though, he has been in charge of Smallville, and despite ripping off Watchmen for Heroes, both of them were eminently watchable. Perhaps the dude is more suited for the moving pictures these days.

I don’t want to be too harsh, like I said, Loeb’s penned some excellent, excellent stuff in his lifetime, and has more creative talent in his used toilet paper than I ever will. But like Claremont, I will be forever grateful for his past work, while skeptical of his future endeavors.

Yes, hi, hello, how are you? The scent of rot you’re picking up is a prescient notion of your future-rot, a fate guaranteed by your entrance into Flagship Humanity. I apologize on behalf of Whatever Is Up There for our inevitably decline into stuffing for an overpriced casket.

But!, lament not. It’s the Fourth of July weekend! At least, here in the Empire. I don’t know what the rest of the world is going, and as I have been trained by a stringent regiment of indoctrination throughout the US school system – I don’t care! Are you all still watching the footy-ball? I have my money on the team of polar bears from Antarctica. Those cats (bears) can ball. Like woah.

So slough off those momentary premonitions of your inevitable demise, and gather those fucking rosebuds while you may. And by rosebuds, this weekend, I meant some chemical-soaked beef, and your light beer of choice. Let’s all party on the Titanic together.

Monday Morning Commute. Every Monday I’m going to detail the various things I’m either currently or will be watching, reading, playing, and listening to in the next seven days. It’s Monday. You’ve got a long week of school, work, or compulsive masturbation to get through. Tell me the arts that you’re indulging in, to stave off suicide.

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[legend has it that Ernest Hemingway wrote a six-word story to win a bar bet — For sale: baby shoes, never worn. leading to the author’s birthday, I’m going to offer a daily post of my own six-word story. readers are encouraged to respond with their own]

Cut the sleeves off — it’s fashionable.

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They’re always like “Luke is so dark in Jedi! He’s positively tempted!” Dark side my ass! Look at him, he’s positively jovial. The only thing dark about Lukey is that he’s spilled mayonnaise in his southpole wookie fur while thinking about his sister.

[legend has it that Ernest Hemingway wrote a six-word story to win a bar bet — For sale: baby shoes, never worn. leading to the author’s birthday, I’m going to offer a daily post of my own six-word story. readers are encouraged to respond with their own]

Never stop caring about your apathy.

[photo]