The campaign trailer for Halo: Reach dropped yesterday, and I’m not impressed. Not, one, lick! And here’s the thing, I can’t really imagine anyone being impressed by it. I’ve read reviews of it from people that read something like “…I’ve never been a Halo fan, but this really made me interested.”

Really?

C’mon now. It’s as unimpressive visually as every other Halo game has been since the second one. And equally uninspired. It’s a bunch of dickbags in enormous armor staring off into space and doing other equally un-engaging things. If you’re   Master Douche Fanboy, then I can see being excited by it. But if you’re on the fence, or furthermore, you don’t dig the franchise? I see no reason why this trailer would swing you.

Countless games have had sexier and more cinematic trailers cut. Now, I’m not saying that a sexy trailer equals a great game, but I am saying that if you weren’t convinced about Reach, I have no idea how a trailer that is made to look like dogshit by just about every trailer I’ve seen lately from a Call of Duty game, or Borderlands, of name a Gears of War, will persuade you.

Me? I’ve always been “eh” about Halo. I play the titles because they’re usually enjoyable for the duration, but I’ve never understood the Rampant Fapping that takes place, and I certainly see nothing special about this trailer. It didn’t dissuade me from buying it, but it certainly didn’t knock my socks off.

Want to be the judge? Hit the jump and check out the trailer.

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In the future, I’ll be able to eat a burger that was cultured from the skin cells of cows, cross-spliced with that of a new born baby T-Rex with a splash of decaying dodo bird. But for now? For now I’ll have to satisfy myself with the notion that I can head over to Europe and eat cloned steak. Welcome to the fucking future!:

New Scientist:

Have cloned meat and dairy products found their way onto the shelves of shops in Europe? Yes, if you believe the Swiss government and the claims of an unnamed British dairy farmer who told The New York Times that he is selling milk from a cow bred from a clone.

&

Material from cloned animals and their offspring is likely to be on the European market already… It is known that imports already began being made some years ago. Once imported, genetic material from cloned animals can spread quickly throughout livestock in Europe, removing choice for farmers and consumers.

Oh Europe! You folks are truly the bees knees. I can’t be the only one who gets a nerdboner while contemplating eating something that is a clone, can I? I mean, I’m not lucky enough to be able to munch on the withering, jerky-esque skull of a clone like Boba Fett, but I’ll take this. Meet me in England!

So, this shit is gold.

Boing Boing:

Sogen Kato was believed to be the oldest man in Tokyo. Officials heading out to congratulate him on his 111th birthday, however, met not an ancient gent but a corpse, mummified in his own bed for perhaps 30 years.

You can’t make this shit up. Oh world, you are so fantastical. You have to imagine the bummer it is to waste a perfectly good cake, you know? I don’t know about the economy over in Japan, but I mean, eggs ain’t cheap, yo.

[pixelation | weekly gaming & life column every wednesday or uh thursday]

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I came to a realization a couple of nights ago. It haunted me. It was one of those realizations that comes with something like “Oh, god, god no!” Not as fierce as the “Oh, god, god no!” that hit me once in my teenage years when I shit my pants in a Toys R Us. Not as nauseating as the “Oh god, god no!” that hit me when I realized last week that my Nana was naked behind her door as she told me that she was getting dressed, her loose turkey flesh clutching the door like a claw.

But a moment of realization that I didn’t want to face. I had to man up.

I realized that I should probably trade-in Red Dead Redemption. Give that shit up for adoption. Tip my cap and accept the obvious: I was never, ever, going to play it. And as I wasn’t playing it, its resale value was going to whiter on the vine, until it was eventually worthless. It would age on my video game rack, and at some point I would simply look at it, realize I was never going to play it, realize it was worth nothing, and send it into my trash barrel with my Chez-It boxes and fabric softeners.

As I type this, I’ve already done the deed. As I handed the son of a bitch over to the kid at Gamestop, it was with a sense of failure. I had failed as a gamer. I’m not really sure why I bought Red Dead Redemption, outside of the acclaim it got. I’m certain it’s a great game, that was obvious from the forty-four minutes of it that I’ve played since May. If it was simply a matter of measuring worth, I would have traded in my unfinished copy of Final Fantasy XIII back in March, about four minutes after I woke up from the Suck Coma the game put me into.

But I owe Final Fantasy sadly an allegiance that I do not owe RDR. I’mprobably a worse man for this.

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Andy Williams, guitarist for Every Time I Die, pioneering a new style.

Oh, Hideo Kojima. Only you, of all people, would somehow end up on the internet shirtless. I don’t know if the Patriots put you up to it, of it you were just trying to infiltrate some panties – while obviously reading something by Murakami, Descartes, or General Patton or something. But these pictures are so win that it hurts.

Kudos do you, good sir.

I turn my god damn back on the internet for like nine hours and this slithers out while I sleep. And play video games. And not shower. Well, here it is: the Thor trailer from this SDCC last week has hit the nettwebz. Replete with Asgardian Thunder, Jacked Shirtless dudes, Righteous Pontificating, and Pretty Cool Action, I am officially stoked.

Hit the jump to check out the trailer. It’s gud. Gud like yummy gummy bears and caffeinated beverages.

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[images & words is the comic book pick-of-the-week at OL. equal parts review and diatribe, the post highlights the most memorable/infuriating/entertaining book released that wednesday]

Life can be humdrum. Boring to tears. Drab. For most of us, daily living is comprised of compromises and lackluster recesses of escapism. Existence can often seem like a set of meaningless tasks, more of a bogus journey than any sort of excellent adventure.

Is buying a couch really that enthralling?

Just the other day, a friend of mine was talking to me about the mind-numbing and uninspiring nature of modern life. Then, with earnestness, he started to describe just how great it would be to live during the End Times. He seemed keen on a zombie apocalypse, but would settle for any sort of societal collapse. Liberation is to be found in survivalism, he told me.

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Hell fuck to the yeah, I’m excited for Ms. Aran’s latest foray into the Metroidverse. A universe populated by giant blobs of brain-sucking jelly and a pretty sweet suit that always, it seems, breaks down immediately when faced with a crisis. The latest trailer shows off some of the cinematic flair that Team Ninja is bringing to the franchise, and god dammit, we’re all the better for it.

Hit the trailer, and get ready. Buckle up your space-pants or something.

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