Remember when I commented on Oprah Winfery giving away Xbox 360s and Kinects to everyone in her audience last week? Remember when I said that the women were roused into retarded level of hysteria after Oprah was like “yo, mindless automatons, be fucking excited!” Well, the Oprah Winfrey juggernaut cannot be fucking stopped. Not only are her audiences base, empty women, but the people watching at home are just as susceptible to Ms. Winfrey’s suggestive powers.

Since being spotlighted on her show, Kinect pre-orders have jumped 42% on Amazon. Good lord.

That’s fucking stellar. Nothing like the Voice of Vacancy rousing into her followers a sense of OMFG, OPRAH SEZ IS COOL, I BUY. I could be jumping to conclusions, maybe the correlation is maybe coincidence. Doubtful. I wish Oprah told everyone in her audience that double-pronged dildos and anal nitrate was awesome. The idea of house wives eagerly awaiting boxes of sex toys is awesome. C’mon Oprah! It’s your last season. Use your influence to inspire some freak in the ordinary lady.

Oh shit! Fresh off of Catwoman speculation comes a significant reveal. In an interview published minutes ago, Nolan dropped the title of the third Batman flick: The Dark Knight Rises. Not only that, but dudebro shoots down the potential for the Riddler, writing him off as appearing.

Slashfilm:

The news comes from Geoff Boucher over at Hero Complex, who was able to score a coveted interview with the secretive director. “It won’t be the Riddler,” Nolan said of the third film’s villain, squashing earlier rumors and speculation to the contrary. He also noted, “We’ll use many of the same characters as we have all along, and we’ll be introducing some new ones,” a fairly self-evident   yet cryptic statement.

Evidently, Boucher and Nolan also chatted about convincing Warner Brothers to go with IMAX instead of 3D for the film, which I find incredibly encouraging. Boucher says that information will be made available later today. We’ll update you guys when we hear about it.

Thoughts? Hit the comments box with your take on it. Me? I dig it. Simple enough, penciling out the (obvious) arc that has Wayne finally rising above the turmoil of the second flick. They call that a well-traced trajectory in a trilogy. I mean, if you weren’t expecting him to triumph in the final installment of a three-part saga, you probably haven’t been paying attention to narrative in the last three-zillion years.

Oh shit! Apparently Christopher Nolan has been quietly interviewing women, searching for someone to play a female lead in the upcoming Batman 3: The Darkest Knight or whatever. Intriguing, to say the lead. What exactly is Christopher after? Nolan is looking for an actress in her late twenties or early thirties to helm this big role, and I think we can all agree on one thing: motherfuckin’ Catwoman is about to strut it up on the big screen.

Right? No? Right? Maybe?

Let me crack a controversial comment (maybe) all over your dumb faces; I would much rather see Talia al Ghu in this flick than a latex-bound vixen strutting around as Selina Kyle. And that’s saying something, since a lot of people know my utter fetish for latex, attractive powerful women, and uh, cats?

Perché, Ian!, perché!

The Bones and I have spent a good amount of time brainstorming the plot for Batman: Pretty Much A Dark Knight for Wayne since TDK dropped two years ago. And one of the things we kept coming back to is the idea that Talia rolls up into Gotham to avenge her Poppa Qui-Gon’s death at the hands of Wayne. It’s pure fanboy masturbatory wishing, but isn’t that what dork conversations are for? Hell to the yeah! Fuck yeah to the fucking speculation!

I should be clear that I am an unabashed Nolan fanboy, and if my time on Earth has taught me anything, it’s that the creators I place absolute faith in never, ever, let me down. Except for Lucas, Raimi, the Wachowskis, Peter Jackson post-LOTR, and a laundry list of other Fallen Heroes. I think it’s safe to say my brother and I have developed a complex over this.

But still.

Catwoman? Talia al Ghul? Whoever it is, I place my little, perpetually-innocent heart in Nolan’s hands.

Good god damn. I need me some Dragon Age II. Like, really bad. I’m almost done with the original. Would have been done, if not for something called the Mojave Wasteland. And I love the game, a lot. But everything I’ve seen regarding the sequel screams one thing: this game is like the original, but better in every fucking way. That, my friends, is a great thing. The most prominent improvement for me is the introduction of a Shepard-esque protagonist. I need my main character to do something as crazy as speak and have a serious role in the plot.

On top of better graphics, seemingly better direction, and everything else? My loins swell with glee. Hit the jump for the newest trailer, “Rise To Power.”

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[OCTOBERFEAST is the greatest celebration of the year, a revelry dedicated to pop-culture’s most nutritious Halloween detritus. Plastic screams and artificial sweeteners have never been more bountiful. In the old country, villagers refer to the extended party as Satan’s Snacktime]

Is eating a healthy breakfast a wise decision? Probably.

Is eating a bowl of monster-themed sugar-clusters a wise decision? Definitely.

The official breakfast of this year’s OCTOBERFEAST is the wonderfully horrific Frankenberry. Originally released with the infamous Count Chocula, this cereal has plastered saccharine smiles onto children’s faces for nearly forty years. The taste alone is worth raving about; strawberry-flavored corn crisps carry marshmallows directly into your tum-tum. Through the standard morning-meal process, any milk used is transmuted from that yucky liquid doctors and parents want you to drink into a lite-milkshake.

Perhaps more important than the gustatory experience is the fact that Frankenberry is a goddamn abomination. That’s right, America, we’re feeding our children a food with Frankenstein’s monster as the mascot. You realize that Frankenstein’s monster symbolizes aspiration corrupted, the dream that we pursue so zealously that we lose sight of how grotesque it’s become, right? We are, in essence, consuming our own wretched failures! And they’re delicious!

In the course of two days I have polished off an entire box of Frankenberry. I just couldn’t stop myself from going back for more. I felt obsessed, as though by eating the cereal I could be transformed into an athlete of superhuman capabilities. Yes, maybe I will try out for the Hanshin Tigers…

Don’t judge me, it’s the OCTOBERFEAST! My only concern is that the holiday-treat might play some tricks on my digestive track.

[DEFEAT. is Rendar Frankenstein’s truest attempt at fiction.   Presented in weekly episodes, the novella tells the tale of Daryl Millar – a hero who dies at the intersection of pop culture, science-fiction, war epic, and fantasy]

A city such as Pompeii is buried by volcanic ash, just as the sands of time sweep over and blanket those falling short of greatness. Pompeii had little to offer the world at large and its ruins were the source of an accidental discovery almost seventeen-hundred years after its demise.

On the other hand, time only helps mythologize those fortunate enough to have achieved legendary status. A city such as Rome, whose epic downfall has served as a warning for future generations, is still lauded for its magnificence and regarded as Città Eterna — the Eternal City.

What type of city should a man strive to be — Pompeii or Rome?

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I came across a video last night done by VBS which was equal parts haunting and engrossing. The video travels into the Aokigahara Forest in Japan. Aokigahara is the most common site of suicides in Japan. After a 1960 publication of the novel Kuroi Jukai, in which a lover commits suicide in this forest, it became a popular location for the ritual. Insanely, between fifty and one-hundred and fifty people commit suicide in this forest every year. People disenfranchised with society, lonely, or just lost wander into this forest never to return.

The video follows a guide into the depths of the actual forest, as he shows you around the suicide-soaked forest. It’s an engrossing journey, and while it definitely isn’t for the faint of heart, for those of you who can handle it, it’s definitely worth checking out.

Do it up right here.

[Source: Gamefreaks]

Now, a zombie stormtrooper makes sense. Why? ‘Cause typically, these motherfuckers are useless. They get mowed down like pieces of shit by any enterprising farmboy with some glowing phallic object or blaster. Useless. Fucking, useless. It all makes sense in retrospect, considering they’re clones of some dumb ass bastard named Jango, but still.

So! Take them fuckers, make them zombies! That way when they get plowed through like senseless chaff, they can just get back up! What’s an arm or a leg or a head wound when you’re the undead? Fuggin’ nothin, that’s what.

Hellboy does it doggy style? Jesus Christ, I’m not even trying anymore. And I have the gall to attack Mark Millar! Whatever, fuck me. Welcome to this week’s rundown of the comic books I’m most likely pulling tomorrow. Bringing home, covered in a brown paper bag. Then, more than likely, reading under a pile of Cheez-It crumbs, my body slathered in euphoria. Get some!

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Captain America #611
Shit stays real for Bucky this week! After getting exposed as the Communist son of a bitch, the Winter Soldier, by Baron Zemo, Jimmy has to stand trial. Does it matter that he was brainwashed? I suppose we’ll find out in the forthcoming storyline. Captain America seems to always be about an the struggle to make amends with the past. Whether we have Stevey helming the shield or Bucky, both of them seem continuously consumed by a past they either never experienced, or sinned upon.

Of course, in true comic book fashion, this sort of relatable internal struggle is made super-external through various comic tropes. Falling into an ocean and being frozen alive, or being the pawn of a nefarious agency. I’m hoping that at some point in his run as Captain America, Bucky gets to more than juggle his anxiety at owning a title that was previously his mentor’s, and his guilt at his actions as the Winter Soldier. Is that his defining point as a Captain America?

It’s not that I mind it, but rather I’m interested in seeing Brubaker carve out a legacy for Bucky as Captain America outside of those two extentuating circumstances. Dude has a robot arm, and wields a gun. I mean, that’s a hell of a start to a legacy. Let’s get a smidge past the brooding, before the Captain America movie (presumably) forces the position back to default.

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Fantastic Four #584
Benjamin Grimm and Henry McCoy both suffer under the same continual cocktease: that of being able to regain their human form. Whether it’s sloughing off a body cast of shitty orange stone, or ditching the claws and feline attributes for something a bit more hairless, the two poor dudes are perpetually enticed by this possibility. Well, tomorrow it seems that Ben is going to get the ability to push the flesh. Detailed a couple of issues back, Reed’s little think tank of young geniuses found a way for Grimm to regain human form for a week a year.

It’s only going to end in tears, folks. Tears.

Hickman’s F4 is continuously fantastic – puns a-fucking-hoy! But seriously. It’s as wondrous as it is insightful, and as epic as it is rooted in heart. As both a dork, a philosophy nerd, and a fan of narrative, it milks all my important glands.

Also from Marvel: New issues of Secret Avengers and Avengers to munch on. As much as I malign Bendis’ recent work, Scarlet aside, I’ve enjoyed his time-bending introductory arc to the relaunched Avengers.

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Beasts of Burden/Hellboy
I caught onto Beasts of Burden via a strong push by the peoples over at Comics Alliance. I’ve yet to read it, though it’s been safely ensconced in my bookmarks folder for a while now. Good lord, and e’gads! I only have so much god damn time/money/concentration left in these faulting synapses of mine. But this week, I’m snapping up the Beasts of Burden/Hellboy crossover. I’m hoping my virgin Beasts experience won’t be tainted by lack of knowledge pertaining to the universe, but we’ll see.

I’ve been on a huge Mignola kick lately, with Baltimore: Plague Ships being about as much carefree fun as you can get in a comic book. So here’s hoping his teaming up with Beasts writer Evan Dorkin can continue the run. The artwork is courtesy of Beasts penciler Jill Thompson, and from what I’ve seen from the previews of Beasts of Burden and this issue, it appears both tasty and delicious. That’s my utterly depthless insight into this title.

File under: hopeful, moderately-blind buy.

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Jesus fucking Christ. Just when I thought that Rob Liefeld couldn’t rock any harder, the dude is bringing us Zombie Jesus. His webcomic is designed to tackle this passage from the Bible:

MATTHEW 27:51-52:

The earth shook, the rocks broke and tombs opened and many men and women who had died came back to life again. They left the cemetery and went into the city and appeared to many people there.

Fucking. Fantastic. This shit is far too amazing to be true. But it is. Oh, yes, it is. I know I’ve always sat around and scratched my head at this scripture. Sitting here, a Man of the Lord, wondering what exactly happened after My Lord and Savior was nailed to the cross, but prior to him self-rezzing and rocking out to the Pentacost and shit. And now religious beacon and soothsayer Rob Liefeld is ready to unveil what is obviously the Truth.

After the crucifixion, supernatural warfare tore apart the Roman Provinces. Zombie Hordes attacked Jerusalem in search of the corpse of Christ. The Disciples were under siege as the Undead tore apart the countryside and an unlikely hero, LAZARUS THE IMMORTAL emerged to combat the Legion of Dead!

Phew. No really, he’s writing this. I can’t make this shit up. And I’m grateful to Mr. Liefeld, who is unafraid to spit the true gospel and illumination upon us, the sheep of our Lord.

Again, Jesus fucking Christ, this shit is bananas. Like, I can’t believe that this is being done, and I’m so grateful that this insanity is puking out of his mind that I want to shake his hand and let him know what an amazing act of absurdity his existence has to be considered. Rob Liefeld, you are a god damn saint. Saint Hoof Feet.

Want to see a fucking preview of this insane bullshit? Of course you do. hit the jump.

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