#Miscellaneous
Info Dump: I Don’t Know Why Your Pants Are Down, But Don’t Pull Them Up.
Salutations. Welcome to Spaceship Omega. We are currently orbiting the Intangible Wunderverse, pausing to observe and report. Our environment is sustained off of lewd comments, caffeinated beverages, popculture references, and lots of comic books. Happy as fuck to have you with us today. The space-steward or stewardess will be by momentarily to make sure your stay aboard the ship is pleasant. They’ll be offering you your preferred services, cultured from psychic imaging and personality analytics.
Here’s some reports from the preferred satellites.
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Hoe Moaners’ Holiday
“Me and the Night Slugs decided to strike out on a crisp winter’s evening and take some night shots of some of the houses within my immediate kill zone. My blast radius, if you will.”
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No black dudes, bring your own TV
“Now, this guy is FUCKING SERIOUS about his COD LAN Party. No getting your dick out, if you bring weed, bring enough for everybody. Jesus, what do you think he is, man, Some sort of fucking TV Outlet!?”
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It’s been proven: You’re either a hypocrite or delusional
“I love it when science explains why human beings are awful. A recent set of experiments proves the punishment you dole out to people is always worse than what they did to you.”
2011 preview: Expect Earth’s twin planet
“Earthlings will surely thrill at finding their planetary double: our calculation suggests the discovery could happen next year.”
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Quote of the day | President Obama’s Spider-Sense is tingling
“Sounds like he won’t be crumpling his sensible suit and tie in the trash and saying “President No More!” anytime soon.”
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Behold the Power of the Blood Qu’ran!
“I mean…I don’t even know where to start with this thing. Apparently in the 90′s Saddam Hussein decided he had to up his evil ante, and what’s more weird/perverse than etching a major religious text in blood?”
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CAGE MATCH: The Week in Nic Cage
Hello there, dear readers. Welcome again to Cage Match, the innernet’s only column solely concerned with Nicolas Cage. We want what you want: to be able to catch up with Cage without having to scour the world wide bowels of information. So, you’re welcome.
This week there’s some new Drive Angry goods: an international trailer and an interview with director Patrick Lussier. There’s also some info on Cage’s planned trip to India and a Blu-Ray release date for a classic early Cage flick.
I apologize for the lack of insight and fart jokes this week, we here at Cage Match HQ are caught up in the holiday rush and have to catch a plane to the Garden State in a little bit. Here’s hoping your holidays are filled with family, friends, laughs, and CAGE!
UK International Drive Angry Trailer; Get Behind Nic Cage, Devil
Put your jealousy caps on, you stinking limeys, Summit Entertainment has dropped the UK International trailer for Drive Angry. It seems we not only won our independence from your taxing, pig King George III, we also won the privilege of seeing Nicolas Cage movies two weeks before you redcoats.
I’m pretty stoked for this one. It looks balls-out ridiculous and for chrissakes it’s the first time Nic Cage is in 3D. Now I care about 3D.
Drive Angry Director Talks Drive Angry
In an interview with MovieFone, director Patrick Lussier talks about collaborating with Cage, his reboot of the Hellraiser series, and what it’s like to destroy s many classic cars. On the subject of Cage, Lussier says:
One of the key things for Nic when we were talking about the movie was specifically how he’d play stricter in terms of the tone of the character. Working within that framework, which he loved — he said he’d never played a character that was this hard and this cold and this relentless. And even within that, Nic found the humanity of the character and brought it out; even more-so than on the page. He really found the human charm of this murderer that you root for and made him positively likeable, which was really key in bringing him to the story.
India Is About to Get Awesome
The Times of India reports that Cage is heading to India in January to promote The Season of the Witch. India is a huge market that remains relatively untapped by Hollywood. Cage’s visit is an attempt to begin chipping away at that market. There’s already a language barrier, so I’m sure Cage spouting off his usual esoteric musings mixed with samurai philosophy is bound to blow the roof off India.
Moonstruck Coming to Blu-Ray in February 2011
Now you can relieve the amazing “I lost my hand” in gorgeous Blu-Ray. The classic Cage/Cher collabo from 1987 is coming to Blu-Ray on Feb. 15, 2011.
DEFEAT. 013 – Get Off of the Roads!
[DEFEAT. is Rendar Frankenstein’s truest attempt at fiction. Presented in weekly episodes, the novella tells the tale of Daryl Millar – a hero who dies at the intersection of pop culture, science-fiction, war epic, and fantasy]
The car stopped just long enough for Daryl to explode out of its passenger door. As eager as he was to get into school with enough time to return 8-Bit’s copy of The Dark Knight Falls, Daryl’s mother was twice as eager to see Jane Pauley and Bryant Gumbel interview whoever. And so the Volvo screeched, peeling out just as Mrs. Millar’s foot told it to.
This provided the man in the gray trench coat the voyeuristic advantage that had eluded him the previous morning. The man got an unencumbered look at the accelerating teen. And since Daryl had no clue that he was being watched, the man in the trench coat afforded himself the luxury of peeking over the top of the sunglasses that barely rested on the tip of his nose. “Yes,” he muttered to himself in near-disbelief, “this is exactly right. It’s so surreal. No, no, that’s not it. Just real.”
From the trench coat a ratty spiral bound journal was removed by a slightly trembling hand. The spy, now seemingly aware that others may question his lurking, scribbled his notes quickly. Returning the journal to the safety of his oversized coat, he snuck behind the bushes and out of the scene.
At the same time, 8-Bit was admiring the graffiti and clever bits of vandalism adorning the inside of his locker.
Where’s the beef?
Charlotte gives good head
Led Zep rokks!
Summer Time & The Living Is Easy.
Hold it now, wait a minute, just let me catch my breath. Fall semester’s over, and I’m positively jubilant. Made it through a gauntlet of swinging axes, motorized chainsaws, and ovulating desperate women with elephantiasis of the labia. Grad school man, not like it used to be. I’m excited man, excited.
I’m in my sweatpants! Just straight kicking it. Snow is falling, Santa Claus is assuredly preparing his run, and there is scant hours before I’m nestled up to my future-wife. Is time linear? Is God watching? Is he outside time? Has he already seen my children? Are they awesome? Can someone tell me? Aquinas? Anselm? Descartes? Bueller?
I was reading some Zero History by Billy Gibson when the sudden urge to just type hit me. So here I am. Nothing really to say. But most of the time it’s like “Oh hey! Check out X thing that is totally happening! Here I compare it to some sort of genital squirting into some sort of farm animal! LOL! I tell jokes!” It’s different when I’m not strung out on Diet Mountain Dew trying to post a news article as quickly as possible. Or staring at a deadline approaching as I try to cobble together five things in the video game world.
Omega Sinema Christmas Creep: Santa With Muscles
For the second Christmas Creep in a row, I’m putting my foot in my mouth. When I pitched the Creep to the fearless leaders of OL, I told them I would be writing up the shittiest, most painful Christmas specials/movies. Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun and blew my load on the premiere installment, Christmas With the Turtles. Is that like Icarus? It doesn’t matter. What I mean is that after that first article, I keep accidentally watching AWESOME Christmas jams! It’s a Christmas miracle (which I didn’t think was possible since I’m engaged to a Jew). Earlier this week I enjoyed the hell out of Max Headroom’s Giant X-Mas Turkey and yesterday, over a Diet Coke and toast, Santa With Muscles (1996) tickled my bad-good movie bone. And my pecs.
Hulk Hogan plays a militaristic, millionaire grinch who gets knocked out during a mall debacle and wakes up thinking he’s Santa. He befriends the residents of an orphanage – including a 13-year-old Mila Kunis – and helps them wreck some plot by nefarious developers to shut down their facility. Along the way there’s singing, inept figt scenes, and explosive crystals. Yes, explosive crystals. Needless to say, it’s awesome.
Directed by John Murlowski, a volunteer at the Los Angeles Suicide Prevention Center hotline *record scratch* Say wha? Hold up. I’m sure his noble activity as a suicide hotline volunteer has nothing to do with shame over the films he’s directed. Moving on, this movie is the perfect storm of ’90s cheese with a Hulkamania cherry on top. Hogan was on fire in the first half of the ’90s. Suburban Commando, Mr. Nanny, and the Thunder in Paradise trilogy. Near the tail-end of this streak is Santa With Muscles, his movie-fart swan song, so to speak.
The “film” also stars Ed Begley, Jr. as an evil scientist and Clint Howard as a mall cop. As mentioned earlier, a 13-year-old Mila Kunis plays an orphan and in a weird twist of TV Fate, her future castmate on That ’70s Show Don Stark plays Lenny the Elf. Fellow WWF superstar Brutus the Barber Beefcake has an entirely too brief cameo as a thug but it’s Hogan who carries this turd on his shoulders like Atlas. And Icarus. Atlas and Icarus. I guess
This might be the perfect Christmas Hangover movie. There’s enough cheese to enjoy and enough crap to enjoy heckling with your pals. Consider hunting this down online before you channel surf for some more traditional X-Mas flick.
WARNING: Performing an image search for “santa with muscles” will open up a Pandora’s Box of porn that I’m guessing does not fall into our readers’ preferred spank material.
CAGE MATCH: The Week in Nic Cage
Welcome back, carnivores of taste, to another edition of Cage Match, the only weekly column in the universe completely dedicated to Nicolas Cage. In last week’s exciting episode, we were visited by Mr. Cage’s brother, Christopher Coppola. We were honored to have Mr. Coppola, aka the DigiVangelist, who visited our comments section and turned out to be even cooler than he looks in his pictures. That was definitely a watershed moment in my fandom.
But let’s stay grounded and get back to the task at hand: reporting awesome Nic Cage related shit. The biggest nugget dropped yesterday when a video hit the net of Cage exhibiting some real-life Cage Rage outside of a nightclub in Bucharest. I’ve heard people yell some pretty wild shit when they get furious, but Cage takes it to another level. He could have been a speech writer for the Ultimate Warrior. There’s some more Season of the Witch clips, the lowdown on a confirmed new role, and tax drama, Cage-style!
Real Life Cage Rage Outside of a Bucharest Nightclub
If you thought his on-screen insanity was impressive, you should see how Cage throws down in real life. He’s in Romania finishing up photography on Ghostrider 2 and a couple days ago he verbally bitch slapped a man outside of a Bucharest nightclub. By “bitch slap” I mean he went on a tirade and yelled things like:
“You know it! So do not try to escape! Otherwise, you kill me? F**k you! I die in honor! I could die right now! Want to hit me?”
“Look in my eyes! I’m not a liar! That man is a liar!”
“Get in the car! I’ll die in the name of honor!”
…and people say chivalry is dead. No reports yet on what set Cage off but the guy probably deserved it. Now, will some computer savvy individual please re-edit the classic Cage Rage video to include this song. (via FilmDrunk)
Mo’ Cage news after the break!
DEFEAT. 012 – Stars Above. Sword Below.
[DEFEAT. is Rendar Frankenstein’s truest attempt at fiction. Presented in weekly episodes, the novella tells the tale of Daryl Millar – a hero who dies at the intersection of pop culture, science-fiction, war epic, and fantasy]
Daryl Millar spent this particular Monday night sleeplessly staring at his bedroom ceiling. Despite what many would call a more-than successful day, Daryl couldn’t shake a feeling of discontent. Something much weightier was on the horizon.
Treating a friend to pizza. Getting a girl’s phone number. Enjoyable activities. But it was learning one of his grandfather’s secret origins that induced the temporary insomnia. Gramps’ tale wasn’t an anecdote or a flapping of the gums.
It was a revelation.
Omega Sinema Christmas Creep: Max Headroom’s Giant X-Mas Turkey
Max Headroom is one of the most bizarre creations imported to American television in our lifetime. He poked his unholy prosthetic head onto Cinemax in 1986 by way of British TV and quickly began stuttering his way to stardom. Headroom (played by Matt Frewer – who portrayed Moloch in Watchmen) actually has a pretty sweet backstory. I barely remembered what he was all about, but after watching his awesome Christmas special I did some Wiki research. It’s like the best cyberpunk tale never written by William Gibson:
The film introduces Edison Carter (Matt Frewer), a television reporter trying to expose corruption and greed. In the movie, reporter Carter discovers that his employer, Network 23, has created a new form of subliminal advertising (termed “blip-verts”) that can be fatal to certain viewers.
While attempting to flee the network headquarters with proof, Edison suffers a serious head injury, caused by striking a low-clearance sign labeled “Max. Headroom”. Believing him killed, the network’s chief executive orders Bryce Lynch, an adolescent genius working as a scientist for Network 23, to digitally record Carter’s mind. The recording will then be used to create a computer-based replacement for Carter in order to hide his death.
It only gets b-b-better, folks, and I’ll tie this all into Christmas after the break!
The Double Diner Special Ain’t Got Shiz On Me. [Crapped Pants and Syrup.]
My name is Ian Drinkwater. I am not a remarkable human being. The older I get, the more I accept this. However, being unremarkable, I often think of ways to temporarily boost my self-esteem. A couple of weeks ago, I decided that I needed to complete a Test of Strength (Fat Ass Consumption.)
Being a calorie junkie bent on obesity, combated only by trips to the gym, I decided that I could eat two diner specials from a local joint my band of pederasts, perverts, and horrified girlfriends occasionally visit. What exactly is a diner special? I’m glad you asked. Here’s a video of Pederast Extreme, coder and funder of Omega Level, Senor Poppycock Gravel Dick explaining it. (Sorry dude, this video is going up.)
I decided the only way to justify my continued existence was to eat two of these. The idea was borne from a trip to the diner a couple of weeks ago, when I cleaned up one special, and proceeded to eat half of Poppycock’s. It seemed easy.
It was not.
THIS WEEK ON Dexter: The Big One
When all is said and done, I enjoyed this season of Dexter. It started off weak as fuck, rallied for a good four or five episodes, and then last night, it ended. However, the more I think about the season, the more I’m not really sure what the fucking point of it was. You can disagree, and tell me there really doesn’t have to be a point, and maybe you’re right. But after twelve episodes, did we really actually go anywhere with Dexter? Take a ride on my disco stick and we’ll talk this one through.
Debbie Deb and the Grand Vigilantism
Last night’s episode asshole-clenching climaxed when Deb stumbled upon Dexter and Lumen as they cleaned up Camp Stab and Rape. I was certain at that moment that one of two things was going to happen. Either Deb was going to have Lumen and Dexter arrested, or she was going to realize it was Lumen and Dexter and let them go. You know, Huey Lewis and the News shit! The power of love! What actually happened? A cop-out that let her appreciate Dexter’s vengeful spirit without actually forcing her to confront him.
The cop copped out! Rimshot!
Also, maybe I’m making mountains out of mole hills, but I didn’t get what Deb at the very end of the episode when she said to Dexter “Yeah man, aren’t you totally relieved now that it’s all over?” Is she hinting that she knows about him? Or is it just a general comment on the whole situation? Or the rudderless season? Maybe Deb finding out about Dexter is the Jim and Pam moment of the show. Once they cross that threshold, it’s all downhill from there. The sociopathic equivalent of the Impossible Couple finally canoodling.
I made the mistake of actually reading criticism of the show before writing this (I usually blather first, read second), and some people are perturbed by how quickly Deb found Camp Rape and Stab. Really? The entire show has been running on magical IMPLAUSIBILITY DUST that powers everything. All the narrative mechanics and storyline happenings have been sprinkled by it for this season. That’s what happens when the showrunner of this Dexter comes from 24. Those screen writers actually pioneered implausibility dust.
