Ok, you mugs. Welcome to another round of Cage Match, the internet’s all-nude column devoted entirely to Nicolas Kim Coppola. Oh, you didn’t know that is the original name of Nic Cage? Then you’re not reading Cage Match enough, idiot.

This week have news about Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, Drive Angry, and Cage’s meeting with a diplomat. Also, Nic Cage pinball, the lowdown on Cage’s intense role research for Leaving Las Vegas, and a weak bit from Conan O’Brien. Let’s do this.

Baffling Turkish News Report on the Set of Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance and Plot Synopsis Revealed

Harry from AintItCoolNews posted this really bizarre video from a Turkish news broadcast that contains some footage from the set of Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance. It’s a lot of Cage climbing on rocks and Zorro doing front flips. WUT? I couldn’t figure out how to embed it so you’ll have to click on the AintItCool link above to watch it. Whoops!

In more exciting and comprehensible news, the heads at ComicBookMovie found the sales synopsis for Ghost Rider. I don’t know nuthin about Ghost Rider’s mythos but it sounds awesome to me: Get pumped.

“It has been several years since making a deal with the Devil and Johnny Blaze (Nicolas Cage), living in self-imposed isolation, finds himself as the only person who can help save 10-year-old Danny — and ultimately the world — thanks to his unwanted and uncontrollable power — his ability to transform into the hell-on-wheels monster known as The Ghost Rider”

Get pumped.

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[DEFEAT. is Rendar Frankenstein’s truest attempt at fiction.   Presented in weekly episodes, the novella tells the tale of Daryl Millar – a hero who dies at the intersection of pop culture, science-fiction, war epic, and fantasy]

Born into a family of mysterious vagrants, Rimina Jacoby spent her first years in Bavaria. Shortly thereafter, the Jacoby family was ousted by local villagers who grew suspicious of their idiosyncrasies. The family headed for Portugal, along with the remaining Bendjiems, whose widower of a father had been murdered. And, if the rumors were true, raped. The suspect – the brother of local woman Father Bendjiem had begun courting.

In a villa outside of Faro, both the families Jacoby and Bendjiem were absorbed into a small but accommodating gypsy population. As a toddler, Rimina learned how to persuade marketplace fools to spend too much money on flowers. They were stolen from a cemetery only a quarter-mile away. Her dirty hands and shoeless feet evoked pity while her rosy cheeks evoked the wallets.

She was the perfect resource for a society struggling for subsistence.

That was, of course, until the dog bit her left eye out. On Rimina’s seventh birthday she made the mistake of trying to sell stolen flowers to Pedro Jordão. Not only was Jordão the drunkest resident of the villa but he was also in a state of sorrow. Grieving for his recently deceased wife. So when the dirty gypsy girl with the delightful smile tried to sell him the same basket of flowers he had left for his wife that very morning, he lost his fucking mind.

With the command to SIC! this insanity was transferred from Pedro to his enormous Cujo of a mutt.

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Welcome back, suckers, to the only column in the universe that wraps up all of the important Nicolas Cage news of the week. Besides news, we’re also continuing our series of videos from OOP Cage films you probably haven’t seen. Two weeks ago we brought you inside Cage’s mansion with The Cage of Nicholas and last week we dropped a clip from the rare gem Time to Kill. This week we’ve got a real treat: Cage’s brief but amazing cameo from the Adam Rifkin’s 1988 comedy Never on Tuesday. In my opinion it’s as baffling and memorable as his Eddie character from Deadfall.

Not too a lot of news this week but there is a titillating sequel rumor has surfaced that is sure to make your trousers tight. Also more on the upcoming Medallion and Ghost Rider 2. I’m a little tired, little wired, and I think I deserve a little appreciation! Let’s do this!

Cage’s Bizarre Cameo in Never on Tuesday

Never on Tuesday is a road trip boner comedy directed by cult director Adam Rifkin (The Invisible Maniac, Detroit Rock City). Andrew Lauer and Peter Berg (of Friday NIght Lights fame) play the lead hornballs, but sprinkled throughout the movie are brief cameos by big name actors including Cage, Charlie Sheen, Cary Elwes, and Judd Nelson. About 11 minutes into the film Cage, credited as “Man in Red Sports Car,” makes his appearance. It’s really…well, Cage-like. I threw the above clip on YouTube because the world needs to see this very important moment in our favorite actor’s career. Enjoy!

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[DEFEAT. is Rendar Frankenstein’s truest attempt at fiction.   Presented in weekly episodes, the novella tells the tale of Daryl Millar – a hero who dies at the intersection of pop culture, science-fiction, war epic, and fantasy]

Eight hours after winning the first battle of a war that would last until the week’s end, Daryl Millar and his two allies ambled towards the Dean Brothers’ Fun-Time Circus. Clean and cold, the October air did its best to forewarn the teens of winter’s approach. Kicking fallen leaves. Screaming in their faces.

However, the trio was guarded. Denim. Studded leather. The heavy-duty hood of a cotton/polyester blend. And the warm fuzzy feelings of malt liquour.

Inspired by the day’s events, Riff had made an afterschool trip to the package store. With a wallet loose enough to waive the necessity of photo identification, Riff approached the counter with three fat bottles. An amateur beer-drinker, his purchase of Colt 45 was based on two key facts:

1) It was super cheap.
2) Billy Dee Williams, who had gained his trust by leading the Rebel Alliance to victory three years earlier, assured him that “It works every time.”

Snuggled in their brown paper jackets, the forties were tokens of victory. And celebration. And Brady Moore’s humiliation. And an evening of three-ringed entertainment. So even though it was only Tuesday, Daryl’s sensibilities (which were usually in place to curb Riff’s debauchery and 8-Bit’s anxiety) said that pounding beer was the right thing to do on this most glorious of nights.

Sensible sensibilities. Everything in moderation. Especially moderation.

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[Search Engine Terms come from an app in the Word Press dashboard. It tells you the terms that people are using in google to lead to your site. Most of ours are ultra depraved and horrible. And amusing to sick people like me.]

If you can’t fap to art, what the fuck is the point? Particularly art featuring set in latex heaven.

[Editor’s Note: Intergalactic Space Cowboy Bonesaw proposed he write a column on space for OL every Saturday. Or thereabouts. The Powers That Be (me) obliged. The following is his madness, not ours. I’d say I vouch for it, but I also vouch for fetish porn and child labor. So take it as you will.]

Time is a dimension. It’s hard to perceive it as a planar dimension given that it is not visually evident as we may find height, width, or depth to be, but it can be explained in a way that may give it relevance to other dimensions despite never exactly emulating one. Spatial relativity dictates time’s expansion with the increase of speed. That is to say that as you travel faster on a planar dimension, you’re experiencing time faster as well.
Another force affecting time is force exerted upon an object. This force that is majorly holding our time in check beyond our speed is gravity. The closer to the gravitational field you are, the slower your time is going to be moving. An easy way to think about this is considering that an accurate clock being held a few feet above you will travel faster, albeit a relatively negligible amount, than a clock on the ground.

This is interesting when considering that if we can alter the speed of an object we can consequentially edit its time path. This is relevant when considering that astronauts experience time at a considerably different pace than us here on earth when factoring in their speed with their distance from large gravitational forces.

Absolute time was the principle in which two good clocks should have an identical time regardless of the events leading up to the time checking. This notion was declared false upon the Theory of Relativity’s supporting realization that the speed of light is seen as the same to all beings irrelevant to their movement. Time has since been considered personal as in this instance each observer would carry an individual clock which wouldn’t agree with each other observer’s clock.

Hawking used the example of a cup sitting on a table versus a cup that has been smashed to pieces by falling off of said table. The cup on the table is in a state of order while the smashed up is in a state of disorder. The chances in which an ordered state diminishes into a disordered state increases with time, however we don’t see cups putting themselves back together and flying up to the table again. This is an example of not only a term known as the Arrow of Time, but also the second law of thermodynamics which Hawking uses to govern time. “In any closed system disorder, or entropy, always increases with time. In other words, it is a form of Murphy’s Law: things always tend to go wrong!”

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If I owned a bar on the moon, these are the types of jams I’d blast. Tap your toes. Nod your head. Mack on a babe in a spacesuit.

[images & words is the comic book pick-of-the-week at OL. equal parts review and diatribe, the post highlights the most memorable/infuriating/entertaining book released that wednesday]

Science fiction and fantasy do just fine on their own. They’re both autonomous. Wonderful in their own ways. They don’t need anyone else.

But sometimes they can’t help but reach out to one another. It’s 3AM and science fiction can’t sleep. He scratches his stubble, thinking for a minute, and then grabs the phone. Without even looking at Caller ID, fantasy knows who’s on the other end. She lets it ring twice, but then can’t help but pick up.

You know why? Because when science fiction and fantasy hook-up, it’s fuggin’ phenomenal. Duh.

THOR #619 is an exemplar, a showcase of just how hot’n’heavy the science fiction/fantasy booty-call can be.

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Hello everyone, welcome back. You look terrific. After getting over the bummer of Season of the Witch, we can finally kick back and be excited about Drive Angry 3D. A new image and totally NSFW clip was released this week – enough to wet our appetites for the film’s February 25 release date.

We’ve also got an exclusive clip from the rarely seen Time to Kill. Seriously there was no clips on YouTube from this Cage gem until I put one on last night. In the mix as well is an awesome homage to Cage’s diverse hair styles, a thought-provoking interview with the Times of India, some painful news from the Ghost Rider 2 set, a Netflix recommendation, and whimsical music video. So much stuff! Let’s do this.

Cage Is a Bad Influence on Iguanas

Time to Kill (Tempo di uccidere) is a 1989 film written and directed by Giuliano Montaldo. Cage plays a soldier in the Italian Army as they invade Ethiopia in 1936. He leaves camp because he has a toothache and this choice sets off a string of cosmic incidents. One of these incidents is coming across an iguana (Bad Lieutenant foreshadowing???) and putting a cigarette in its mouth. Iguanas must be Cage’s spirit animal.

The movie is OOP and not that great. It’s actually really dull and the scene above (that I so selflessly put on YouTube last night) is the best part. BUT every Cage film is important. You know this is true. So if you get a chance, see it. Used VHS copies are dirt cheap on Amazon.

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