#E3 2014

E3 2014: ‘ZELDA WII U’ Gamplay Trailer: Turbo-Boner Nostalgia Hysteria

Zelda Wii U

I don’t even know what the fuck to to say to you if you’re not down with this Zelda Wii-Wii-And-Me-And-U footage. It’s more or less the most taint-glazing batch of fanboy gameplay eroticism that Nintendo has trotted out since the original Super Mario Galaxy reveal in 1932. I say GODDAMN. Deliver me unto 2015.

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E3 2014: ‘THE DIVISION’ Trailer & Gameplay Video

The Division.

Listen, Bethesda. I want to be fucking faithful. I pledged my post-apocalyptic prostate to Fallout and you. You alone! But you’re dragging my ass through the dirt. Do you even care anymore? You don’t call, you won’t write back after I send you those letters filled with my kisses and pubes. And now, now The Division has come along. Can you, can you blame a guy?

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E3 2013: ‘Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain’ Trailer: Bathe In Your Friends’ Ashes

MGS 5, yo.

I don’t really know what’s going on in this trailer for Metal Gear: The Phantom Zeroes’ Liquid Hour. I haven’t really thought about Metal Gear Solid since finishing that interactive movie back in 2008 with the “4” in its title. But I’m digging this trailer. I just…don’t know who anyone is, or what anything means. Like. Steve Snake is rubbing the Ashes Of His Fallen Friends. I think? It’s 20XX? Something? Eh, I’m sure I’ll figure it out later.

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E3 2014: ‘THE ORDER: 1886’ Trailer: Delayed Steampunk Swoon

The Order 1886 I was pretty butt hurt when I first heard The Order: 1869-24-Numbers was getting delayed. Rubbing my dumper and muttering “Fucking DelayStation, yeha~~!” like the cool haters. But after watching this trailer last night, I’m all like. Oh. Shit. Take your time. This is looking wonderful. Rub it. Stroke it. To a glimmer. Nay, to a blinding sheen.

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E3 2014: ‘MARIO MAKER’ Trailer: Get your Miyamoto on

Mario Maker!

Mario Maker is a quirky little batch of interesting that Nintendo revealed to the Gaming Masses today. The title is going to empower all of our asses to go ahead and get our Level Designer on. It’s fun, but not for me. I can’t go thirty-seconds without succumbing to my ADHD. I typically snap out of the fugue state to find myself covered in peanut butter and tears, with the animals hissing at me from the corner.

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E3 2014: ‘STAR FOX’ flies again on the Wii U

new star fox

…and like waves upon rock, my strength to wait on buying a Wii U is eroding in the face of all these Nintendo reveals. ZeldaSuper Smash, and now Star Fox. Ya’ll fuckers, Nintendo.

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E3 2014: ‘INSIDE’ Trailer: The minds behind ‘LIMBO’ bring more beauty


The XB1 got itself a delicious treat coming down the pike, courtesy of the minds behind Limbo. The game is called Inside, and it looks to be continuing in the same vein as the previous title. Atmospheric, moody, gorgeous platforming.

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E3 2014: Nintendo reveals Wii U ‘ZELDA’ game. Obvs coming in 2015.


I’ve been wanting a Wii U for a bit. Despite not selling particularly well, it’s amassed quite a sexy repertoire of first-party games. As seemingly all Nintendo systems as wont to do. Now it appears that I finally have a deadline for when I must acquire one by. Sort of. Nebulously. 2015. Why then? It’s when the new Zelda will be dropping.

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E3 2014: ‘FAR CRY 4’ Gameplay Demo & First Five Minutes

Far Cry 4.

DO YOU LIKE CRYING WHILE FAR AWAY? Or how about USING WEAPONIZED PACHYDERMS? Far Cry 4 won my ass last night, and it’s currently shopping around for the lube it’s going to use to pleasure it. I’m ready, willing, and eager to get on with its complete domination of my fanboy g-spot.

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E3 2014: ‘BATMAN: ARKHAM KNIGHT’ Trailer: Gotham is a beautiful s**thole

batman - arkham knight

Man. Oh man. The E3 trailer for Batman: Arkham Knight is just flat-out showing off. And I’m completely fine with that. Gotham has never looked like a more beautifully shitty playground for The Bat-Guy and his fucking stunning Batmobile to romp around.

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