#August2013
CHANNING TATUM looks GLORIOUSLY DUMB in the Wachowski’s ‘JUPITER ASCENDING.’
The Wachowskis are fucking hilarious at this point. Just…man. Just amazingly corny motherfuckers. Watching them trying to struggle to say something of interest after ripping off something like twenty-five years of geek culture in The Matrix has gone from painful to entertaining. The latest ball of hilarity is Jupiter Ascending. Which I’m guessing was written in 1992. Judging from you know, the same old cyberpunk fetish wear the siblings like. Plus! ROLLERBLADEZING HEROES.
Oh lordy. Hit the jump.
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XBOX ONE no longer requires KINECT to be plugged in. STILL GOTTA F**KING BUY IT.
The XBONE song and dance is a curious one. Full of twists, turns, pirouettes and shit. The latest little move in this tango is the announcement that the Xboner does not require a Kinect to be plugged in to operate. Which is sort of neat, but also like sort of “how about you don’t fucking force me to buy it then”, right? Definitely giving credence to the rumors that 2014 shall see a Kinect-less version of Microsoft’s next console.
Rumor: IAN MCDIARMID returning for ‘EPISODE VII.’ EMPEROR PALPUTRID.
One of my gravest fears regarding Episode VII is that it will traffic in nostalgic and throwbacks. It won’t carve out its own niche in a flourishing Universe, but rather go full Abrams and regurgitate tired tropes and been-done characters. This latest rumor only heightens that fear.
Cosplay: BATWOMAN swoops down into something such.
…Didn’t have a headline in me. I apologize. Insert something not very clever, mention latex, nod your head at Caff-Pow’s predictability. Or just hit the jump and enjoy this wonderful Batwoman cosplay. Probably the better bet.
APPLE patents tech that would let the government DISABLE iPhone camera, video, wireless.
Well isn’t this neat! Ain’t nothing like being in the middle of a protest, or you know, a Nickleback concert when all of a sudden The Man shuts down your ability to document something very gnarly. Like all ill-nasty Chad Kroeger solo. Right? I mean, that’s all we have to worry about.
‘COWBOY BEBOP’ coming to ‘BLU-RAY’ in NORTH AMERICA. LET’S F**KING JAM.
Sweet baby delicious Jesus, the unreal is becoming real. Cowboy Bebop is finally going to wash up on the shores of the Empire in glorious Blu-Rayification. Eh — next year! But I can wait. I have my life-size model of Faye to hug. It’s constructed out of my tears, Elmer’s glue, and bras I stole from the laundromat.
‘HOMELAND’ SEASON 3 TRAILER: SAUL AND HIS BEARD ARE BACK.
Blah blah Brody, blah blah Cry Face. Nothing matters in the face of Saul’s beard. It is returning for a third season, determined to hunt terrorists and look generally stunning. You can see his beard and other particles of season 3 plot in this trailer highlighting Homeland’s return.
Post jump!
Monday Morning Commute: We Are What We Pretend to Be.
Gerard the Robot was in the midst of a mid-life crisis.
His wife was bangin’ the milkman. She hadn’t admitted to it, but she didn’t have to. Every time that Gerard came home from a double-shift or an overnight — he was a nurse at the most prestigious hospital in Town — the fridge’d be full of dairy. And while Gerard knew that Georgiette and L’il Henry enjoyed their morning bowls of cereal, there was no reasonable explanation for why the fridge was teeming with bovine.
A half gallon of skim. Three glass bottles of 2%. A carafe of heavy cream.
But most unsettling of all was the glow on his wife’s face. There was a rosy-hue, a vivacious scarlet dancing upon her cheeks that he’d only seen after they’d made love. She’d claim she’d spent the day in the sun or was just feeling under the weather, but he knew why there was blood in her cheeks. It was because she was satisfied.
And it wasn’t Gerard that was satisfying her.
See, Gerard’s pneumatic organ had broken down nearly half a year ago. If he was a human, he’d have gone to the doctor for an embarrassing appointment and walked out with a prescription for Triumph Pills. But as a robot, Gerard had to order a new part. Which normally wouldn’t be a problem. However, Gerard was an import, and with the all the trade sanctions being tossed around, he was having a real hard time.
Which is ironic, given that all Gerard wanted was a real hard time.
This is tomorrow’s mid-life crisis. A fridge full of milk. A wife full of the milkman. And a robot-eunuch weeping at the kitchen table.
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Welcome to the Monday Morning Commute! This is OL’s weekly venue for celebrating the entertainment that helps us survive the workweek! First, I’m going to show you the various ways I’ll be staving off bad-vibes and responsibilities! Then, y’all hit up the comments section and offer your own suggestions. This is Internet-based show-and-tell for the nerds and geeks and dweebs who aren’t afraid to wear their hearts on their sleeves!
Okay, let’s dance!
AMAZON developing ANDROID CONSOLE. MOAR CONSOLES ALWAYS.
Errbuddy looking to get into that delicious gaming…game? If reports are to believed, Amazon is on their grind. Developing an Android console. Why not? I mean, it isn’t like we are saturated beyond belief in the gaming market. Does this interest your beautiful asses at all?
OH SHII — ‘GRAND THEFT AUTO ONLINE’ REVEAL dropping AUG. 15
Oh snap! Grand Theft Auto Online is being revealed this Thursday, August 15! OhwaititsjusttheonlinecomponentGTAV? Eh. I am significantly less excited now. Just wait though. I’m bet I’m eating those words and barfing them all over my feet in three days. Would be par for Caff-Pow’s life course.
