#April2011
Nestor Carbonell Returning For ‘The Dark Knight Rises’, Alpert Lives!
It appears that Nestor Carbonell is returning to Gotham in ‘The Dark Knight Rises’, reprising his role as the Mayor.
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Rumor: Wii 2 Has A Touchscreen Controller, Codenamed ‘Project Cafe.’
When it rains Nintendo Wii 2 rumors, it fucking pours. After yesterday’s news that the console is going to be revealed at or before E3, today we get a new crop of rumors. Most interesting is that the controller is going to up the ante in douchebag gimmicky nonsense.
Press Start!: Young Girls, Seedy Motels, and Court Cases.
Welcome to Press Start! The column where I jot down five things that caught my eye in the world of gaming this week. Poor edited!, check. Zero revisions!, check. Cobbled together on a couple of wings, a prayer, and ridiculous amounts of caffeine in the early hours of the morning.
I encourage all dorks and dinks and nerds and nincompoopto contribute what they dug this week.
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#1: Grand Theft Auto Gives You Extra Points For Killing Kids!
Oh fuck son! I’ve been playing Grand Theft Auto wrong for nearly ten fucking years. Longer than that if you take into account the first two top-down games. Yeah! Yeah, yeah! All these years I’ve been playing and I’ve never been aware that you get more points for killing children and old fuckers.
This nonsense stems out of a tragedy that went down last Thursday in Brazil. Wellington Menezes de Oliveira “opened up fire at a school in Rio de Janeiro killing 12 pupils and injuring 13 others, aged between 12- and 14-years-old.” Not cool, at all.
Quite obviously.
Unfortunately spinsters vomit up bullshit, seizing any opportunity to massage their own importance glands through hyperbole and sensationalism. Two days later in O Globo, one of the biggest newspapers in Brazil, ran an article which didn’t have time for things like fact checking. It claimed that Oliveira played games like Counterstrike and Grand Theft Auto where “you score more points for killing women, children and old people.”
News to me! Fucking news to me.
Remember kids, no tragedy is ever so saddening you can’t use it to churn up slop, or pen the same old tired media nonsense.
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#2) Creator of the Video Game Cartridge Passes Away.
Jerry Lawson. His name was Jerry Lawson! Lawson was the creator of the video game cartridge, and this week the good sir went and tripped the light fantastic. It never even occurred to my dumb ass that the cartridge was something forged by man. I always fancied it some sort of platonic ideal, derived from the Other Realm, where unicorns and Justice can cavort about together.
No sir, we made it. Well, Lawson and his group of pioneers over at Fairchild Semiconductor. With that cartridge, he no doubt helped craft the childhood of many a million of dorks. Like you and me. Sitting here, in this gaming column, communicating via news born out of an industry of cartridges.
More than just what they housed, the physical cartridge was a staple of my childhood. Good god damn how many times did I go blue in my face blowing in them. Stacking those sons a bitches up. Flipping them to friends at lunch.
The cartridge. Staple of a childhood baked in dorkey, roasted in the fires of nerdiness.
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#3) Sony and Geohot Settle Out of Court.
It’s finally fucking over. Geohot, the dorkiest wanna-be hard ass in the gaming community settled with Sony out of court this week. You may remember Geohot as the dude who outed the PlayStation 3’s root key. Then he wrote an awful rap telling Sony to come and get him. They obliged, sending their lawyers, Death Stars, and various underlings after his ass.
At that point, he may have fled to South America, or gone there for Spring Break. Depending on whose story you believe.
All of that is over now, as the Totally Believing In Something Kid no longer wants to deal with a court battle with An Enormous Corporation State. Go figure! How quickly one’s ideology wilts in the face of a armada of litigation or whatever other more appropriate legal word I should be using.
Well, that’s that.
HBO To Adapt Neil Gaiman’s ‘American Gods’? Please Yes.
If you haven’t read Neil Gaiman’s American Gods, you need to get the fuck on it. If you have read it, and you’ve made your peace with our insatiable urge to adapt everything, this may be good news. If the novel is going to get adapted, there’s much worse ways than with HBO helming a television version.
Multiple Sites: New Nintendo Console To Revealed Before Or At E3.
Firing off with the hotness! Multiple websites are blowing up today with the same rumor: the successor to Nintendo’s Wii will be revealed at or before E3. E-gads! Get it? Fuck me!
Japanese Game Has Teacher Taking Students To Love Motels. Ah, Japan.
Listen, I don’t frequent boards or really delve into the underbelly of Japanese gaming, so when these stories are mainstreamed, I fucking love them. In Gachitora! ~Hooligan Teacher in High School, you control a thug who through means I haven’t divined becomes a high school teacher. The thug Torao Kaji, then does what seems obvious: tries to lure students and their moms into shitty hotels.
Movie Theater Chains Threatening To Boycott Blockbusters Over VOD? Yeah, Okay.
You can chalk this news story up to some of the most wondrous blustering you’ll see anywhere. Major theater chains are threatening to not play serious summer blockbusters, pissed because Universal, Sony, Warner Bros., and 20th Century Fox have agreed “to a new Premium Video On Demand service.” Mentioned last year, this service will kick off on this month on DirecTV.
Young Stars Are Much Cuter Than Human Newborns. IJAF!
Enlarge. | Via.
Everyone’s always pimping their new born kids. Don’t get me wrong, some are goddamn adorable. Usually in tight correlation with their parents’ appearance. Some kids though, are man. Just woof. Eighteen years removed from sitting at the prom drinking by themselves and staring at taut asses they can’t get near.
Anonymous Promises ‘Biggest Attack’ Coming On Sony.
Listen man, just because Geohot sold out and settled out of court with Sony, it don’t mean that Anonymous is done with them. No fucking sir! In fact, they’re promising their biggest attack yet.
DEFEAT. 029 – Major Problems
[DEFEAT. is Rendar Frankenstein’s truest attempt at fiction. Presented in weekly episodes, the novella tells the tale of Daryl Millar – a hero who dies at the intersection of pop culture, science-fiction, war epic, and fantasy]
Captain Ryan Major took a long, hard drag from his cigarette. The nicotine felt good on his tongue and the smoke the felt good in his lungs. He held his breath as long as he could, sliding his pursed lips into a smile and savoring every second. With his eyes closed and the early-morning sunbeams hitting his face, Major could’ve sworn that he was back in Myrtle Beach.
Yeah, for a moment he was absolutely sure that he was once again waking up on the porch of his mama’s South Carolina home, locked out after a long night of drinking beer and chasing tail.
Losing himself in the moment, the captain kept his eyes closed as he chuckled and exhaled. He brought his quivering left hand to his face, returning the cigarette to his eager lips. He then ran his bloody right hand through his hair, staining the blonde locks in the process. Major wanted to believe that if his eyelids never parted he’d never have to leave this imagined South Carolina. Maybe he could stay there, eating fat slabs of bacon after finally being let into the house by his ever-forgiving mama.
Hell, Major could practically taste the imaginary cup of coffee when he heard real keys jingle. He knew that the construct of his mind’s eye was no substitute for his home, and it was now proving itself to be more lackluster than ever. If he was going to die that day, Major figured that he’d rather face a terrible reality than have his fantasy further compromised.
With a principled resignation, Captain Ryan Major flicked away the butt of his cigarette and opened his eyes.
