My parents are getting to that age when technology has begun to defeat them. When considering the ever-expansive technological world we live in, it’s depressingly portentous of what may be the shape of things to come. The question I ask to myself is “Since I have been submerged in the world of technology since a little kid, will it be mandatory and given that I keep up?” or “Is technological defeat inevitable for everyone past a certain age [for the most part] and given how densely seated in technology we are, my generation will eventually be even more lost?”

I’m not sure.

What I do know is that I’ve heard the beeping of them trying to program their GPS for twenty minutes, a silent heartbeat of futility repeating from upstairs.

Jeremy Renner plays a ridiculous bad ass in The Hurt Locker. And he plays a sharpshooting bad ass in 28 Weeks Later. So fuck yeah!, at him playing Hawkeye in the Avengers movie.

via slashfilm:

Man, the past twenty-four hours have been all Marvel, all the time. From Captain America and Thor concept art to more Cap casting and now this confirmation of a rumor that started around Thanksgiving of last year: Jeremy Renner is close to signing a deal to appear in The Avengers as the hero Hawkeye.

Righteous! Who the fuck is Hawkeye? You newbie! In the regular Marvel Universe, Hawkeye is a douchebag with exceptional aim with a bow and arrow. Then he died, and uh, became this guy Ronin, who had exceptional aim and shit with swords.

But in the Ultimate universe, dudebro is a master of bullets and gunpowder-based ownery. Since the Marvel Movieverse seems based off of the Ultimate mythos, here’s hoping Renner gets to be a bad ass with dual-wielding enormo-guns. And not some schmuck with a purple outfit and a quiver.

[images & words is the comic book pick-of-the-week at OL. equal parts review and diatribe, the post highlights the most memorable/infuriating/entertaining book released that wednesday]

iZombie is the story of Gwen Dylan, a zombie with a heart of gold. She doesn’t particularly like the fact that she’s undead, nor does she revel in having to eat a human brain every month. In fact, she says that the fleshy snack “tastes awful. Combine the two most horrible tastes you can imagine — like motor oil and someone else’s vomit — and you   won’t even come close to this level of nasty.” But Gwen chomps on brains as it prevents her from having a really bad hair day.

To atone for her less-than-delicious sins, Gwen solves crimes using the powers endowed to her. Specifically, every time that a brain is consumed, memories of the once-living individual are accessible. Since this is a comic book Gwen just so happens to eat the brains of people murdered in mysterious ways, thereby leading her on strange adventures!

In addition to Gwen, iZombie features a slew of supernatural characters. There’s Scott, the werewolf-computer-nerd who is pining for the pallid protagonist. There’s Ellie, the   ghost of a best friend who resides in the cemetery Gwen works at as a gravedigger. Nemia’s a man-hating vampire living in a virtual vamp sorority, encouraging her roommates to seduce men to their deaths. And the list goes on, including vampire hunters and maybe even an incarnation of the Invisible Man (or is he a mummy?!).

On paper, iZombie may just seem like another cash grab at one of the newest trends of fiction –   the saccharine supernatural. Yeah, we’ve had plenty of wannabe vampire-studs (this is a hunky vampire) and lighthearted romps through post-apocalyptic zombie-lands. So the territory is familiar. But in this instance, the comic succeeds more because of execution than the premise.

Through the course of the first two issues (okay, I admit it — I picked up the first issue of iZombie today as well) writer Chris Roberson manages to make the reader care about the characters and the conflict at hand. With concise exposition, Roberson expresses just how bummed out Gwen is about her whole not-alive-but-not-dead disposition. The reader feels for the first victim whose murder the protagonist investigates after reliving his final moments through memory. And humor runs abound, such as with the inclusion of Scott’s video game-lovin’ coworkers who just don’t understand why he never hangs out on full moons (DUH!).

Most important to iZombie’s success, however, is the stunning art of Mike Allred. I’m not going to waste your time with my half-accurate, feeble minded descriptions. Instead, I want you to feast your eyes:

iZombie was an impulse purchase, an attempt to make up for the fact that this was a relatively light week at the comics shop. But it paid off, and I was presented with a solid tale of horror supported by the authentic work of an enthralling artist. Buy this book.

It’s going to be fucking straight-up with ya’ll. I need some fucking laser beams. I need some fucking laser beams RIGHT NOW. If you haven’t delivered me any laser beams by the time that you’re reading this, then I am assuredly a dead man. I am crumpled in a corner in a dungeon somewhere. My mouth is a mush of broken teeth and a bulbous purple, oozing tongue. You’ve failed me. But that’s okay, because despite years of cultivating a bookmarks menu filled with alleged websites purporting to sell laser beams, none of them have come through for me.

How could you have done what these websites couldn’t?

It’s easy, you couldn’t have.

And yet, I am disappointed in my by-now demise. I am a young virile alien from Mars with no other desire than to fell that which shall not, cannot, be transubstantiated into something as your primitive Earth language. With your blocky metaphors, your clumsy similes, how could I even begin to express anything? Meaning falling in-between the cracks of shitty words, strung together by your reptilian brainpieces.

Nonetheless, your laser beams.

I need them.

[via fuck yeah lapidus, click to enlarge]

And we thought he was fucking dead! Oh man, what a dumb ass I was. You can’t keep a bad ass 1970’s porn actor down.

[via slashfilm, click to enlarge]

These are confirmed concept images of the Captain America suit from the upcoming movie. I dig the look of the suit. A lot. It’s got the whole paramilitary meets superhero costume thing going on, and well fuck, I’m sold. It’s more Ultimate universe than the regular ole’ 616, but they announced they were going that way a long time ago.

Try to ignore how douchey Evans’ face looks photoshopped into the whole thing, since these are concepts works and not actual shots. “But Ian, it may very well look assy once it’s filmed!” Well, you got me there. But for now, these images are theoretically cool. To me.

Hit the jump for a couple more pictures.

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[click to enlarge]

Frank Miller is fucking insane. And so while I don’t really think there’s any need for him to follow-up his graphic novel 300 with a prequel, Xerxes, I can’t help but be excited. The dude is superbatshit crazy! I mean, he wanted to write a comic book about Batman kicking the shit out of Al-Qaeda. So generally I’m going anywhere he’s going, just to see what sort of madness he’s going to bring to the table.

Miller spits some deets!

via slashfilm:

The time frame begins 10 years before ‘300′ and the story starts with the Battle of Marathon” … “The lead character is Themistocles, who became warlord of Greece and built their navy. The story is very different than ‘300′ in that it involves Xerxes search for godhood. The existence of gods are presupposed in this story and the idea is that he well on his way to godhood by the end of the story. With Themistocles I have a character who is almost the dead opposite of Leonidas in that Themistocles was a lying, conniving, brilliant, heroic figure. He was nicknamed ‘The Subtle Serpent’ and he always manages to do the exact right things that will result in him benefiting greatly.

[via diversitile, click to enlarge]

These things are super hawt. Like, ohmaigawd. Like I said when I was busy gushing over Nike’s Bioshock kicks, I can’t wear these. Size 15 feet. Freakishly large. It’s up to you chaps to buy a set of these, so I can live vicariously through you.

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Welcome to Variant Covers, the joint where every week I glance at a Release List for the comic books coming out and mention anything that catches my eye in the world of Telekinesis, Perpetual Resurrections, and Really Firm Pectorals, Buttocks, and Breasts. Or generally, that’s what I do. But seeing as this is my column, fuck it, I’m going to do whatever I want to. Let not the column dictate my writing, let my writing dictate the column! Or some shit. Word.

Memorial Day and a five-week month have seemingly conspired to draw a really fucking boring week on my ass. I say this full aware that people who are reading this are probably excited for roughly nineteen titles and think I’m a complete dickhead. Whatever. Like I say every week what are you reading? Recommend something to me. I’ll read it, I’ll even probably enjoy it. But on a budget that is stuffed with comics and countless energy drinks, I don’t take many risks on my own. That said, the comic books are coming late this week, and what are coming don’t really catch my attention.

Nonetheless, it always saddens me when shit comes out a day late in the Comicverse. Fucking Memorial Day! I’ll trade a day of eating lobsters and drinking for the ability to snag my funny books on time. Who stops shipments of anything, anyways? This America! Dost Capitalism dare slow down for something as insignificant as recognizing those who have fallen for our right to pound Double Gulps and watch endless repeats of Sportcenter as we bloat and fart? [If you don’t get my sarcasm just close the window. I beg you.

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Cosplay Fever
You know it’s either a slow week or an awesome week when one of the most geeked out things I’m interested in is a compendium of all things cosplay. Cosplay is also amazing in my book. It operates on so many levels of rock, that it takes something calamitous for it to fail me. If the cosplay is awesome, it’s generally a woman or man wearing way too little and giving convention goers a look at some flesh. If the cosplay is terrible, then it works on a car crash sort of way. Either way, it is something to be entertained by.

I’ll never forget the four-hundred pound Jean Grey I saw at last year’s New York Comicon. She was a bulging sea of green and red. As I was sitting in line, it was probably the gravitational pull of her various oceanic waves of cellulite that caught my eye. But I was transfixed. Whatever sort of superfabric she was wearing was screaming for relief. Pulled so tight, it captured every cottage-cheese dimple across her biomass. I thought it was astounding. The lady was tremendous because either a) She didn’t give a fuck about her figure, she was dressing up. I respect that. Or b) she as delusional and thought she had it going on. Like I said, either way, kudos.

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Since I usually spend my time commenting on comic books that are coming out, as opposed to that I’m digging on, I don’t get to highlight titles rocking my ass. Batman: The Return of Bruce Wayne is currently deeply embedded in the windings halls of my fanboy heart. Morrison has the Man of Flying Rats tripping through time. It’s fucking odd, which I suppose isn’t anything new from a writer who has thought he’s communed with aliens. Wayne is falling through time, while also posing as a Biorganic Archivist at the end of linear timespace? Or something? Like I said, it’s insane. But it’s also an enjoyable examination of myths and superstitions throughout various timelines, from that of cavemen to the witch trials. Seeing how humanity has a tendency to make the supernatural out of what cannot be easily explained, and how fears play on one’s ability to reason clearly.

It’s super odd, and really, really different from the usual superhero event.

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