#June2010

E3 Bulletstorm Demo Will BLOW YOUR GENITALS APART

KABOOM

This is all you need to know about Bulletstorm. You shoot the fucking shit out of shit. You swear a lot. There’s fucking hilarious (intentionally) cheesy action movie lines like “I predict an imminent detonation…”, ” I predict an imminent getting the fuck out of here!” and “Last train out of explosion town!” You shoot more dudes. You rack up insane arcadey combos. You have fucking sweet fucking weapons. You shoot more shit. I think the main character is voiced by Spike Spiegel’s voice actor. Who also did 7-Eleven ads, which is double fucking win. Hit the jump, watch the trailer, sorry about your genitals.

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THIS WEEK ON True Blood: Pack of Wolves

Andy, I <3 You.

Motherfucking True Blood! It’s back! And it didn’t suck! Yes, righteous, awesome, et cetera. I had an inkling that I actually enjoyed True Blood, and it was something I was certain of by the time the “Last Season on True Blood” ran prior to last night’s season debut. With knowledge in hand that certainly Maryann was dead, Eggs was fucking rigor mortis, and nothing could be worse than the last five episodes of last season, I dove in. And it was fucking assloads of fun! Literally!

BABE

I mean, jesus christ, how many ass shots did they give us last night? Not that I don’t think it was warranted. All last season was like, copious tits and orgies. Where were the dude butts at? Sure, there were the scenes where Sookie fantasized about Eric and he was laying in bed with her and stuff. But still, where was the butt at! Well, we got it last night. Jason’s butt, Eric’s butt, where the fuck was Andy’s butt? I was hankering for some cavernous, hairy, unrelenting butthole. But whatever, I can’t complain, can I?

BILLY C

The season premiere had Bill getting kidnapped by a bag of dicks who are apparently werewolves. Wut? Say wut? Alright, this is already cool. I can get down with werewolves. Even if they’re fucking hillbillies that ultimately get owned by good ole Billy Compton. We get to see Bill sans Sookie, and it was right around that point that I realized something: Sookie is a blackhole of gap-toothed suck. Everything that gets sucked into her orbit is mired in suck, infected with her Jack-O-Lantern evil.

How do I know this?

Bill was fucking rad last night. From digging himself out of a grave to snacking on ole Grannie Stinky Puss or whatever her name was, to throwing down with werewolves, he exuded cool in a way that I forgot he could. It’s amazing what the guy can do when he’s not being written as a litany of syrupy proclamations of love.

SOOKIE I LOVE THEE

SOOKIE, I CANNOT ALLOW THEE TO ENDANGER ONE’S SELF

SOOKIE, YOUR HEART IS BUT AN EMBLEM AS GORGEOUS AS THE CONFEDERATE FLAG.

And on and on and on. Rock on Billy Compton. I can adore you, it appears, under the right circumstances.

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HOLY SHIT, Metal Gear Solid: Rising Trailer Is Fucking EPIC

METAL GEAR SOLID: RISING

HOLY FUCKING SHIT AT THIS METAL GEAR SOLID: RISING TRAILER. Man, god damn Kojima. Just when I thought I could finally dismiss him and MGS as bizarre games as something I’d appreciate but never really get into, this fucking trailer came out. Let me get this straight, I’m going to get to control Raiden as he hacks, slashes, and generally destroys everything in his fucking path? Yes. Yes, yes, yes! I mean, maybe the three-hour cut scenes will be more bearable if at the end of it, I’m doing some straight-up robo-suit ninja-sword killing. I’m fucking sold, again. Fucking Kojima. Hit the jump for the trailer. NINJA TIME.

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Monday Morning Commute: I Stab You With Love

Hello, Dexter Morgan.

The wonderful thing about having to write a weekly column where I tell you everything I’m doing is that I’m terribly boring, and typically doing nothing. I pretend that I’m up to something fantastic, when in general it’s just the usual. Too much late-night eating, happy days with the girlfriend, homework and caffeine. That’s about it, yo. But naw, I’m seriously super exciting. I scale mountains of amazement, and look down upon you peons and just chuckle. Deep belly laughs of condescension. I have a kind of sick desperation in my laugh.

Monday Morning Commute. Every Monday I’m going to detail the various things I’m either currently or will be watching, reading, playing, and listening to in the next seven days. It’s Monday. You’ve got a long week of school, work, or compulsive masturbation to get through. Tell me the arts that you’re indulging in, to stave off suicide.

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Think Microsoft’s Name “Kinect” Sucks? Tagline = Suckier.

Sexy Gadget, Lame Purpose, Lamer Name

If you’re like me, and you think that while Natal/Kinect is visually another sexy object, it is lame as fuck, the name sucks, and you generally abhor the direction of motion controls, then you’re going to love the Microsoft tagline. Or barf everywhere, laughing at the misdirection.

Tagline:

No barriers.
No boundaries.
No gadgets.
No gizmos.
No learning curves.

With Kinect,
you are the controller.

Really? Holy fucking shit. Fantastic. Reminds me of something out of Max Barry’s Syrup.

Microsoft’s Project Natal Renamed To Equally Lame Ass Name, “Kinect”!

OMFG FAMILY FUN

Hey dickheads! Now you can know the official name for the shitty, Minority Report-esque motion controls that Microsoft is rolling out! Project Natal? Naw man, that shit is fucking lame. Microsoft’s motion controls shall now be dubbed “Kinect!”

FUCKING RIGHTEOUS. I love make believe spellings and X-Treme names! From the company that brought you the XBOX, comes KINECT. So grab your family of fucking invalids, and begin karate chopping and kung-fuing and pretending you’re driving a a race car like a fucking asshole in peace! You’re ready to KINECT with other fat slobby people not resembling the eerily grinning couples and families that every fucking console company trots out when promoting their motion controls.

ETHNICALLY DIVERSE FAMILY FUN THAT DOESN’T INVOLVE DROOLING AT DANCING WITH THE STARS.

MICROSOFT KINECT!

FUCK YOU!

E3 Fallout: New Vegas Trailer Brings Gameplay That’s Atom Bomb Hot

Nuclear Sunset

The E3 2010 hype continues, this time in the form of a Fallout: New Vegas trailer with old-ass music, wastelands, and ridiculously gorgeous gameplay. I’m ready, ready like woah for this game. I’ve already begun building a replica bunker from which I shall play the game. I will only leave it every thirty-six hours to scowl at the sky, and feel sun accentuating the sores and gunk-filth coating my unwashed, withering body. Are you in on this commitment to the game with me? Hit the jump for the gorgeous trailer.

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On Supermarkets And Menstrual Cycles

JUST SOAK IT UP

Yesterday, in the white-noise factory of whirling cooling systems, soccer moms with fupas and shitty super-processed hair styles. In the dome of monotony of shining packages with clamoring advertising lines. I scour the many sexy packages that call to me, my childish mentality consistently amused by their saccharin and bright plastic lights. Spying some tampons, I come across a brilliant, cost-cutting and effective idea in the rotting walls of my skull-mush.

Caffeine Powered: …If I was a girl, I think I’d use a shamwow for my periods. Just wring that shit out at the end of the night.

Lady Caffeine: Oh my god.

I’m not going to brag, but I think I’m on to something brilliant for these recession-laden times.

Marvel’s Thor: For Asgard Brings Viking Thunder Sex

HAMMER OF JUSTICE CRUSHES YOU

[via comics alliance: click images to enlarge]

I’m already pretty stoked for Matt Fraction and Pasqual Ferry to be taking over Thor this September. And now I’m geeking out Viking-stylee over the new mini-series Thor: For Asgard by Robert Rodi and Simone Bianchi also dropping in September. Why? Jesus Christ, look at Simone Bianchi’s pencils. They’re like getting eye-fucked and loving it. Thor’s hammer of justice is crushing you, and you’re going to love it.

ASGARD WIN

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E3 Dead Space 2 Footage Brings Gameplay, Issac Clarkerection!

PEW PEW THAT BEDEVILED BULLSHIT

With E3 around the corner, we got some new Dead Space 2 goodness up in here. How about some debut gameplay footage? Say wooooord! Fucking Issac Clarke is back, and he is ready to rock out in the best mash-up of Event Horizon, Alien, and Your Worst Nightmares. Again. The original Dead Space is one of my favorite games of the generation, and I have to cop and admit that this sequel has me flapping my hands up and down excitedly like that girl that used to wear the helmet on the bus.

Hit the jump for the fuggin’ gameplay trailer!

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