[ source ]

Welcome to the suck! I am willing to trade in Bostonian pride these days for a warmer climate. If I have to clean off my car one more time, I’m going to lose my mind. I never understood why my parents hated the snow when I was going up. You see, snow back in the day just meant snow days. While my parents had to shovel out their cars and endure the elements, I just sat inside eating Chez-Its and playing fucking Toe Jam & Earl. Now I understand all too well. It is a barren wasteland this time of the year. Get me the fuck out!

Starting school in Boston in a couple of weeks from now is going to be glorious. I’m going to have chapped lips and rosy cheeks.

Monday Morning Commute. Every Monday I’m going to detail the various things I’m either currently or will be watching, reading, playing, and listening to in the next seven days. It’s Monday. You’ve got a long week of school, work, or compulsive masturbation to get through. Tell me the arts that you’re indulging in, to stave off suicide.

Read the rest of this entry »

[Remember That Time On LOST is a daily post running the entire month up until the season premiere of LOST on February 2nd. I’m going to just pick something awesome, noteworthy, or ludicrous about LOST when I wake up that morning, and hopefully get you geeks talking about it with me.]

Yes, John Locke, we are with you on this one. You are peering into the eyes of the Smoke Monster, and more importantly, fudging your poor tired underwear with your bowel linings. This is truth, but it also acceptable. Because as I said, you’re staring at an amorphous cloud of black smoke, capable of replicating human form, churning with electricity, and making your 5.1 system wretch with screeches. The fact that you’re not weeping and shaking uncontrollably makes you a super bad ass.

I can’t be the only one who thought that the Smoke Monster was actually a dinosaur or some sort of beast when it was first teased, could I? I mean, they make it seem that way in the early annals of Season One. The dude mows down trees, has a bellowing roar, and I don’t know. Just generally acts all sort of dinosaur-like. But at the end of the first season, we finally get a glimpse of our boy Smokey, and it was really, really creepy.

While Jack and Locke and That Chick Who Fucked Over Malcom From Firefly walk back giggling to the Hatch with pieces of Artz still down their shirt and in the cracks of their ass, Smokey the Island Bandit runs into them. If I’m not mistaken, Smokey was just going for an afternoon walk when he saw a pack of assholes with bags of dynamite, and thought he should probably ask them what they were up to. Unfortunately, he was speaking only in caterwauls and eerily noises, and the whole conversation just went downhill fast.

Locke is ever the bad ass, and decides he wants to have a heart to heart with Smokey. And that makes sense, since he was down a pair of functional legs prior to crashing on the Island, and now he’s doing the jitterbug with the best of them. Walking towards the noise, you expect Locke to come across some sort of giant, menacing monster. The camera pans upwards, and I was expecting the dude to get eaten the fuck up.

Not so, true believers.

Not so, at all.

All at once Locke gets yanked the fuck off screen by something. If there’s one thing you should know about dinosaurs, is that they don’t have mechanisms for yanking and dragging. They’re more of a brute force sort of creature, and are best at gnashing and mauling. So already, I’m wondering what the fuck is going on. Quickly and very quickly, you’re given shots on Locke being dragged through the forest. And but, for a second, you get a teeny, tiny glimpse of something. And then you turn to your friend, like I did, and you go:

Dude, what the fuck, was that smoke? Huh! Rewind that fucking shit now!

Rewinding proves to be little more than useless, and all you catch is a good couple of wisps.

Ultimately, Locke gets dragged down into some pit. And he’s all like, Jack, let me go! I want to communicate with the Island! And Jack is like, you’re not going to be communicating with anything other than your dead relatives after Smokey The Plume Of Weirdness eats you all up. The Chick Who Has Linebacker Shoulders And Probably Would Have Prevented The Run Better for the Patriots Yesterday gives Jack some dynamite, and they toss it down into the pit that Locke is being dragged into. Kablam! Kapow! Dynamite goes off and makes a rumbling noise! And mind you also this: Somehow Locke’s lower extremities aren’t blown into mush. Those are some appendages indeed.

And then we see it: The Smoke Monster. Welcome to the mythos, stalwart mystery of the show.

Smokey wisps and curls away, pissed off that he just wanted to prevent a forest fire, and these pack of digs tried to blow him up. And I don’t know about you, but I sat there with my jaw agape. I yelled in something approximating all capital letters:

DUDE WHAT THE FUCK THAT WASN’T A DINOSAUR WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON I KNEW THIS SHOW WAS COOL AND ABOUT MORE THAN GOLF COURSES AND A HOBBIT ADDICTED TO HEROIN! HIGH FIVE! NO SERIOUSLY, HIGH FIVE

The first time you see Smokey is dope. They took something that ultimately was going to be lame as hell – a dinosaur or some beast-type shit, and so help don’t tell me it wasn’t going to be that – and made it something all the more odd. You could be a dick and tell me they just bought themselves more time to figure out what it was, but dammit, leave your cynicism at the door. No matter what Menacing Monster looked like, it was going to be a letdown to some, and defended fruitlessly by fanboys like me. Instead, they do one better: The make the monster capable of looking like, well, anything.

I certainly wasn’t expecting a ball of smoke to blow up trees, eat people, and prevent forest fires. That’s for fucking sure.

[Remember That Time On LOST is a daily post running the entire month up until the season premiere of LOST on February 2nd. I’m going to just pick something awesome, noteworthy, or ludicrous about LOST when I wake up that morning, and hopefully get you geeks talking about it with me.]

I know, you think that a dead guy would be better at hiding. Fuck!

Who, or what the fuck, is Christian Shephard? It’s something I’ve been asking since I saw him walking around the Island all very undead-like. I mean, I know a few things about dead people. For starters, they’re always wearing too much make-up at the wakes. And secondly, and most important to my point: they don’t move or walk around. There is one fable about some Zombie Guy who pulled off this feat, but I’m pretty sure it isn’t more than superstition. So that makes what Christian is doing very, very impressive.

Remember that time during White Rabbit when we saw Christian walking around for the first time? Very cool. I champion anything on LOST that pushes the show into the upper-echelons of oddity and absurdity. So when it happened, you can only imagine how enthused I was. This was prior to the show really losing its mind, so I was excited as all hell. Jack’s dead dad isn’t in his casket, and instead, Jack chases the Decaying Sweaty Papa Corpse through the forest, only to be encountered by the rumbling Oh-Shit sounds of the Smoke Monster coming to rock his ass.

Gulp!

Who or what the fuck is Christian? Dude seems to be the mouthpiece for someone. Is he really working for Jacob? I’m not sure I buy that. By helping Locke leave the Island and orchestrating the return of the Oceanic Six, it would further it seems to serve the agenda of Jacob’s Grizzly Bearded Enemy. And where does Christian dwell? In the shack where Jacob was thought to party, except, PSYCHE, Jacob chills in a giant foot. So what the fuck, Christian, who are you rolling with?

What are you up to, Christian?!

Tell us!

Also, there’s the whole, Facob taking the form of dead people – just look at our buddy Locke straight chillin’ in the casket at the end of Season Five. And furthermore, the Smoke Monster comes about as Jack chases his dad through the garden. Just like how Dead Guy Locke and the Smoke Monster are never very far apart. OMFG, pants-crapifying.   Is Christian the Smoke Monster, who is also Facob? Raise your arms to the sky and repeat after me:

Who the hell knows!

Maybe he is a good guy, rolling with Jacob. Smokin’ cigars and weaving looms and shit. He does seem to have a nice suit at the beginning of the show. When you’re dead, you probably have all the time in the world to work on thread-counts or something.

Yeah, I have no idea what a thread count is, but I know whenever I go to Target to buy a comforter with my girlfriend, a high thread count is important as hell.

I know, you think that a dead guy would have better fashion sense, fuck!

I don’t know what the economy is for dead people, but Christian seems to hit hard times on the Island after he dies and shit. He goes from a pretty svelte suit to some shitty dress shirt, and he buttons the top button? What the fuck, Christian! Are you too busy teleporting around time and space to brush up on your fashion sense in GQ? Or do you have some really weird hickey? Tell me dude, I need to know!

Christian seems to be serving some higher-power, whether it is Zeus, or Jacob, or Facob, or whatever. In fact, his entire family seems pretty fucking important. Or maybe it is just a coincidence that his son, daughter, and grandson are all brought to the island. That would be awfully convenient. Or terrible. Actually, awful. Yeah, an entire family marooned onto an Island and caught up in some sort of Cosmic Chess Match between two bored as fuck deities.

The first time we see him though, we ain’t concerned with that. We’re like, hey, White Rabbit! And oh, there Jack goes following him into the woods. Oh LOST, you’re so very literary.

24 kicks off again a week from today. And unlike LOST, which I enjoy because it is bizarre, thought provoking, and mind-bending, I enjoy 24 because it is predictable slop. There was a point where I gave a fuck about 24, and took it seriously. Probably for two more seasons than it deserved. But now I tune in just to see Jack Bauer say shit in a gruff voice, have people beg him to save the day, and then watch him begrudgingly come back and kill four-thousand people.

The last couple of seasons I’ve gave up midway, since they seem to rocket their load off our faces like eight episode in. Question: How do you top an invasion of the White House? You can’t. Why they’d have that happen in the middle of a season is beyond me. Or a nuclear detonation. So I get bored, and then I give up on it, and then enough time passes where I forget how bored I was with the show, and I tune in again. And here I am again.

I have a special incentive this season. Katee Sackhoff, who played Starbuck on BSG is totally joining the CTU gang. It is a cheap ploy, guaranteed to get people like me watching. I mean look at the promo pic; they’re so very Kara Thrace. Pursed lips? Check. Viper Pilot-esque clothing? Check. If I see Starbuck and The Guy from Lost Boys mowing down a bunch of people at the same time, I’m going to rupture the Earth with my fangirl scream.

[Remember That Time On LOST is a daily post running the entire month up until the season premiere of LOST on February 2nd. I’m going to just pick something awesome, noteworthy, or ludicrous about LOST when I wake up that morning, and hopefully get you geeks talking about it with me.]

If LOST started off as some drama dipped in a coat of science fiction, or uh, fantasy, or uh, science fantasy, or whatever you want to call it, the opening of the Hatch began the show’s march down the hall towards something more weird. It was the first time we were introduced fully to one of the beauties of LOST, one of the reasons we’re so addicted to it. It’s called, “The answer to your question is two more questions.” How many times has it happened on this show? Something is finally revealed, but it is merely a garden of forking paths, that leads to more questions. And more questions. It also introduces a good example of LOST writing technique called, “You don’t know that what you’re seeing is sort of a big deal, until like two seconds before it is made obvious.”

This may also be called the “Ian can’t put anything together as quickly as the rest of you”, but whatever.

So, Season One ended with Mr. Locke and Mr. Shephard peering into the exploded dome of the Hatch. You can also recall the groan we all had when we realized we were going to have to wait nine months or some shit to actually see what was down there. That’s okay though, since Lindelof and the rest of the writers had even less time to figure out what they were going to say was down there. Build all your big reveals into the back-end of a season finale/season premiere, guys. It gives you tons of time to figure out just what the fuck you’re going to say.

And then Season Two begins much the same way Season One did. With a good lad’s eyes opening. Except this time, the guy isn’t Jack. It’s uh, some guy. And then there is a typical morning ritual going on. Guy gets up, types something into his old ass computer. Okay, that’s weird, but whatever. And then he works on his fitness a little bit, and that’s cool. Eats a shitty protein drink, also pretty standard. His breakfast is a bit different from mine, since he isn’t eating three cold slices of pizza and a Diet Pepsi, but I’m not going to fault him. He jams out to some music, on a record player.

The impression you’re given is that this is a flashback. Between the old Apple computer, and the record player, you’re like, okay, cool. Flashback, who does it belong to? Eh! And then slowly, like rolling thunder, it breaks upon you. Probably right around the time that you see him open up a cabinet with the Dharma logo, and hear an explosion. You realize, they’re inside the fucking Hatch! What?!

It is the same sort of storytelling that they used at the end of Season Three to show the scenes between Kate and Jack. It was a slow build, and by the time you realize what is going on, you come to understand that they’ve been showing you something mind-blowing, you just didn’t realize it. Again, you don’t realize you’re seeing something that is a big deal, until it’s too late.

When I was watching the episode, I had the feeling that something important was going on, on the screen. I mean it was the first glimpses of a season premiere. But even as he worked out and walked around the Hatch, I had no clue that we were getting a glimpse at the inside. And then when I finally realized it? It blew my god damn mind. One of the best things about LOST has been the fluid concept of what the show is about. I mean, it is about a lot of things; time travel, people’s dramas, an Island, a plane crash, destiny, and others. But back then? Back then it was about a bunch of people on a mysterious Island. And now? Now, I have no idea.

The opening of the Hatch was the first time I was like, “Maybe I have absolutely no idea what the fuck is going on, on this show.” And it has been a feeling that has carried through the subsequent five seasons. I mean, sure, I know a lot of what is occuring, but as Pepsibones asked me a couple of days ago,

Dude, so like…We don’t really know what the show is about..or like, who the true players are, do we? No, we don’t? Okay good, I wasn’t sure.

I mean, now we have people in the shadows of statues, we have possible resurrections, time travel, deities. We have vaguely referenced “good guys” and “bad guys”, of which they haven’t all been revealed. We have absolutely no idea what the Island is, who is belongs to, who or what Jacob is or was, and on and on. And all of this stems from the opening of the Hatch; this idea that there are forces at work they we can’t perceive, and all of our static notions about the show are probably wrong.

The Hatch opening was awesome, and it was the first time when they really started rocking out to the idea of answering a question with two more questions. Or three. Yeah, this is the inside of a hatch. It is a modern, if it were the 1970’s or some shit, apartment. But here, have a handful of other questions. Why is this apartment carved into the middle of the ground, who is this guy, why is he typing commands into a keyboard, how long has he been down there? And you just sit there, and you marvel. You marvel because you know they have you hooked by the squishies, and worst of all, you love it.

It’s a formula us fans have learned to loudly scorn, “Oh yeah, here we go, answering more questions with questions!”, but quietly love. Because we’re addicted, and we need to know.

I did it! I finally found a fucking coffee-based beer! After grumbling for weeks, my friendly neighborhood poison-merchant totally fulfilled my wishes! Since I have wanted a coffee-brew for some time but have never taken the initiative to actually search for one, I’m going to take this latest acquisition that God exists and he wants me to be happy. Or, I suppose, that there’s no God at all and I’ve just managed to benefit from the indifferent bastard that is random chance. Either way, I’m drinkin’.

I walked into the store, took a lap, looked at the cooler with disdain, and then began to march out. For a matter of seconds, I was positively sure that I would have to go to *gasp* another store *gasp* for my brew of the week! But as I began my emigration, I could swear that I heard something…

“…over here. right here. yeah, away from the coolers full of labels that change color when cold and the supposed royalty of lagers…come to the shelf with specialty alcohol.”

I paused, second-guessing myself and beginning to finally understand what my friends mean when they say, “You’re fucking losing it.” But then I heard it again, only with a clarity and volume that had only been intimated before.

“RIGHT HERE! LOOK UP, YOU NUMBSKULL!”

As I shifted my line of sight, I finally saw the hyperactive bottle of depressant that had  been beckoning. To my absolute delight, I was gazing at a fat-ass bottle of Cappuccino Stout. “Come here, you little bugger,” I cried joyously. I resisted the urge to shoplift, trading the merchant some baseball cards with slave-owners on `em for the bottle and rushing home.

While my first instinct was to crack the bottle open and begin guzzling the week away, my sensibilities prevailed. I decided to approach the Lagunitas Brewing Company’s limited release as a nightcap, waiting until later in the evening to enjoy. Therefore, I passed the time by going out to eat with Mrs. Krueger. While I enjoyed myself, I knew that there was a mission at hand; the beer I drank with my steak and the coffee I drank with dessert were merely teases of the greater objective. And so I headed home again, this time fully prepared to experience a combination of my two favorite beverages.

Read the rest of this entry »

[Remember That Time On LOST is a daily post running the entire month up until the season premiere of LOST on February 2nd. I’m going to just pick something awesome, noteworthy, or ludicrous about LOST when I wake up that morning, and hopefully get you geeks talking about it with me.]

Charlie: You’re insane mate, Superman can fly around the entire planet in the blink of an eye!

Hurley: Dude, if we’re going by a pure foot race, Superman would get dusted by the Flash.

Charlie: Well, why would the MAN OF STEEL, agreed to a sodding foot race?

Hurley: Uh for charity, and Flash would totally win, cause he can like vibrate through walls and stuff

One of my favorite bits of dialogue in all of LOST is when Hurley and Charlie got into a debate over who was faster – the Flash or Superman. It spoke to me in a volume of ways, because I am a geek of the highest rank. Throughout my life, I have engaged in countless arguments over trifling things like this. Who is faster, the Flash or Superman? What’s the coolest X-Man’s power? Do you really think Batman could beat Superman in a fight? You do? Dude, Superman can move so fucking fast, he could punch Batman’s head-off before Batman could even measure a thought. What, you think Batman would win anyways? Oh, that’s true. I suppose Superman always holds back, and that’s what condemns him to losing. But if he wanted to? Yeah dude, he could punch Batman’s head off. He’s fast, really fucking fast.

But?

Not as fast as the Flash. Yeah, I’m with Hurley on this one.

What the fuck does a hobbit know about god damn Barry Allen?

The episode featuring this conversation was written by Brian K. Vaughan. You may known him as the dude behind Y: The Last Man and other comic books. It seems fitting that a guy who wrote comic books would interject some of that nerdery into LOST. I mean, it doesn’t seem out of the realm of something for Hurley to be discussing. The dude was the owner of the issue of JLA that Walt uses his Prepubescent Voodoo on, and he’s also seen reading Mr. Vaughan’s Y in the airport prior to his return to Doom Island.

The dialogue serves two purposes, though. Not only does it reignite the engines of nerdfroth and debate amongst comic book geeks about who is faster – again, it’s the Flash you assholes. Seriously, Superman is fast as fuck, but he can’t leap forward in time or vibrate molecules like Barry or Wally. The real debate is which Flash is fastest. And I’m going to tell you the truth, I have no idea. I’ll leave that question up to other flocks of nerds. But secondly, the dialogue serves as a nice amount of relationship building between Hurley and Charlie.

When Charlie dies at the end of Season Three, no one feels it harder than Hurley. And let me tell you, when Charlie returns at the beginning of Season Four and tells Hurley he has to go back? I was trying to keep from weeping in front of friends and family. It decimated me, like the big over-emotional lug that I am. And it was this type of conversation that really built the friendship between the two of them. You felt that there was an actual palpable loss, not that it was some throwaway tug on your heart strings. Or maybe you did, and I’m just a weepy mess.

Seeing the two of them shoot the shit as they walked through the forest sold me on their friendship. I mean, as I said, that’s what friends do. They talk about stupid shit. They run their mouths and make one another laugh and engage in pointless arguments. The scene opens up with the two of them, already in the middle of the conversation. Amongst all the epic journeys and the WE HAVE TO GO HERE AND SAVE THIS THING AND STUFF, you don’t really get to see the relationships much. Well, outside of flashbacks. And maybe Sawyer and The Promiscuous And Unfit Temporary Caretaker of Aaron boning in polar bear cages. But aside from that, it was nice to see this dialogue. It was great fanservice to the huge portion of the LOST crowd that were geeks like me, and it also helped add to the emotional resonance of Charlie’s death in the forthcoming episodes, and its effect on Hugo.

Hideki Kamiya is a straight pimp. Having worked on Resident Evil, Devil May Cry, Viewtiful Joe, and now Bayonetta, the dude owns a large portion of my gaming soul. One of the more ridiculous and awesome things about Bayonetta is the list of shout-outs that the game has been giving to Capcom greats.

One of the most classic moments in awful dialogue was Dante’s “Flock off, feather face” in the middle of Devil May Cry. Whether it was intentionally campy action movie dialogue- which I think it was, or just awful script, it has been one of the sweeter moments in gaming. I had mentioned yesterday that one of Bayonetta’s moves called for “Flock off!”, but today? Yeah, playing through today right before a boss fight, Bayonetta drops the actual dialogue.

Flock off, feather face!

I did a little geek lap around my room.

Then, the character Rodin serves as a means to another awesome Capcom reference. Any douchebag who has played through Resident Evil 4 has uttered the line “Whadya buying?!” at least over Ventrillo like a nerd. Wait, that’s just me? There’s some shitty clerk in Resident Evil 4 who sells shit to Leon to help him in his mauling of zombies. And every time you hit up the dude, he’d be all “Whadya buyin? Whadya sellin’!” It became iconic across the game, to the point where friends who had just watched me play the game know about it.

Today, I went to Rodin, who serves as the same sort of vendor in Bayonetta as the aforementioned clerk did in Resident Evil 4, opens up a cinema with this for his dialogue:

Whadya buyin? I heard that in a game once.

This was me: !!!!!!!!!!!!

Bayonetta takes fanservice to unforeseen heights, perhaps only matched by the rimjob that Kojima gave fans for twenty hours in MGS4.

Well done.

Don’t know anything about photography — but I know this is a great photo. The image is equal parts sexy, haunting, and just damn cool. In a way, it reminds me of something out of a PT Anderson flick or some shit.

Oh yeah, +5 points for the Clark Kent glasses.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  [ source ]

[Remember That Time On LOST is a daily post running the entire month up until the season premiere of LOST on February 2nd. I’m going to just pick something awesome, noteworthy, or ludicrous about LOST when I wake up that morning, and hopefully get you geeks talking about it with me.]

Do you remember thinking that Walt was some awesome Mind Powers Guy back at the beginning of LOST? Yeah, me too. And now those days, like the days of yore when I didn’t wake up with creaky knees and the shakes from caffeine withdrawals, are gone. There was a time when the kid seemed super special, and figured to be an integral part of the show.

Now? Now he just seems to be around living on the real world, for Locke to go and visit. Like some sort of creepy bald child molester. You ever notice that Locke is playing the part of creepy older guy with a lot of guys? Both Boone and Walt seemed to be courted by Locke, and I don’t blame Michael for being like, dude, stay the fuck away from my kid.

The first time we got to see Walt’s awesome ability to manifest shit when he is pissed was when he conjured up a polar bear. And through the polar bear, LOST conjured up some of the worse CGI I had ever seen. My friend and I were watching it and we both turned to exactly and were like “Really? Wow.”

So let’s see. Walt is all pissed off and getting butthurt over his dumb dad Michael. And then all of a sudden through the forest comes some rampaging polar bear. Michael then does the obvious thing and gives his like eleven year-old kid a knife, which the son uses to stab the living shit out of our artic friend.

The implication at the time was that when Walt was angry, he could conjure up things, apparently from books and shit on his mind. You see, earlier in the episode, dude was reading a Spanish copy of Justice League of America with a polar kicking some ass. And then later in the episode, holy shit, a polar bear! I remember thinking, sweet. This kid has a Laser Brain or some shit, and maybe he’ll lift trees with them. And then Jean Grey and he will fight the Smoke Monster, and maybe the Island is just the Danger Room. I turned out being very, very wrong.

The same sort of creepy shit went down in a flashback in the same episode. Walt was straight chillin’, reading a book about birds. I know, not nearly as exciting as a Spanish copy of JLA, but what can you do. His Mom was probably a dick, and said something like “Don’t read those god damn books with the guys with the capes and the women with the big boobies, they’ll rot your brain!” She ended up dead, so what the fuck does she know! And I turned out fine, too! Sorry Walt’s Mom, fuck you!

Anyways, Walt wants to show his Mom and her boyfriend who was a choad incarnate the book. And they keep ignoring him, preferring to argue with Walt’s dad in front of him, scarring Walt irrevocably. I mean, you stuck this kid with a shitty book, the least you could do is pay attention and be encouraged when he wants to talk to you about it!

Walt, feelin’ the Dark Side of the Force conjures up a sweet ass dead bird on their porch. They hear a righteous thunk, and then go out to investigate.

Oh damn! No wonder Walt’s Mom’s boyfriend was so up in arms! You don’t sign on to take on a Demonic Step-Child! A dead bird all stinking up his porch, probably ruining his property value.

So there we go again, Walt has sweet mind powers! He conjures up both a nasty rotting bird and a sweet ass polar bear when he gets pissed off, though it seems like he doesn’t know how he is doing it, or if he is doing it. So I watch the episode, and I’m stoked. Sweet, some supernatural sci-fi shit! And just to push it home that he’s special, the Others decide to kidnap his ass. Why else would they want some little snot? LASER BRAIN. A bunch of creepy people are vying for the love of little Walter, and who ends up getting it? No one!

Because he damn disappears off the show.

All I ever hear about is how they ended up writing Walt off the show because they knew he was going to hit puberty and grow a ton of inches and get acne. So…why did they ever give him ridiculously sweet mind powers in the first place? And don’t fucking tell me he didn’t have them!

They ended up parlaying the polar bear’s appearance into a sweet idea. I mean, having the bears spin the wheel so when the Island jumps, they’re transported, die, and leave no evidence? Fucking awesome. But clearly they weren’t there in that first episode for that reason. Don’t give me it! I’ll shank you. And then there’s the dead bird. The boy was special, a male Carrie or some shit!

And now? Fare thee well, Walt. He left the Island, but his astral ass has appeared a few times. Including one time when Jin was taking a shit, and Walt was like “Locke!” and Jin got all worried and shit harder, and Walt was like “Fuck, I teleported to the wrong place, my bad. Sorry about that, looking for Locke.” Aside from that though, not much.

Who knows though, with the last season coming and all. Maybe they rebooted time, and Walt will be back with everyone else. I wouldn’t be surprised. That’s the pain in the ass about commenting on a show that you know is just going to blow your mind out your puckered rectum, any predictions or certainties you have, are probably wrong.