Remember That Time On LOST When: You Thought Walt Had SICK Mindpowers?

Whoops, did I kill that dumb bird?

[Remember That Time On LOST is a daily post running the entire month up until the season premiere of LOST on February 2nd. I’m going to just pick something awesome, noteworthy, or ludicrous about LOST when I wake up that morning, and hopefully get you geeks talking about it with me.]

Do you remember thinking that Walt was some awesome Mind Powers Guy back at the beginning of LOST? Yeah, me too. And now those days, like the days of yore when I didn’t wake up with creaky knees and the shakes from caffeine withdrawals, are gone. There was a time when the kid seemed super special, and figured to be an integral part of the show.

Now? Now he just seems to be around living on the real world, for Locke to go and visit. Like some sort of creepy bald child molester. You ever notice that Locke is playing the part of creepy older guy with a lot of guys? Both Boone and Walt seemed to be courted by Locke, and I don’t blame Michael for being like, dude, stay the fuck away from my kid.

Not exactly ILM

The first time we got to see Walt’s awesome ability to manifest shit when he is pissed was when he conjured up a polar bear. And through the polar bear, LOST conjured up some of the worse CGI I had ever seen. My friend and I were watching it and we both turned to exactly and were like “Really? Wow.”

So let’s see. Walt is all pissed off and getting butthurt over his dumb dad Michael. And then all of a sudden through the forest comes some rampaging polar bear. Michael then does the obvious thing and gives his like eleven year-old kid a knife, which the son uses to stab the living shit out of our artic friend.

The implication at the time was that when Walt was angry, he could conjure up things, apparently from books and shit on his mind. You see, earlier in the episode, dude was reading a Spanish copy of Justice League of America with a polar kicking some ass. And then later in the episode, holy shit, a polar bear! I remember thinking, sweet. This kid has a Laser Brain or some shit, and maybe he’ll lift trees with them. And then Jean Grey and he will fight the Smoke Monster, and maybe the Island is just the Danger Room. I turned out being very, very wrong.

Teach your kid all about birds!

The same sort of creepy shit went down in a flashback in the same episode. Walt was straight chillin’, reading a book about birds. I know, not nearly as exciting as a Spanish copy of JLA, but what can you do. His Mom was probably a dick, and said something like “Don’t read those god damn books with the guys with the capes and the women with the big boobies, they’ll rot your brain!” She ended up dead, so what the fuck does she know! And I turned out fine, too! Sorry Walt’s Mom, fuck you!

Anyways, Walt wants to show his Mom and her boyfriend who was a choad incarnate the book. And they keep ignoring him, preferring to argue with Walt’s dad in front of him, scarring Walt irrevocably. I mean, you stuck this kid with a shitty book, the least you could do is pay attention and be encouraged when he wants to talk to you about it!

Walt, feelin’ the Dark Side of the Force conjures up a sweet ass dead bird on their porch. They hear a righteous thunk, and then go out to investigate.

There goes the property value

Oh damn! No wonder Walt’s Mom’s boyfriend was so up in arms! You don’t sign on to take on a Demonic Step-Child! A dead bird all stinking up his porch, probably ruining his property value.

So there we go again, Walt has sweet mind powers! He conjures up both a nasty rotting bird and a sweet ass polar bear when he gets pissed off, though it seems like he doesn’t know how he is doing it, or if he is doing it. So I watch the episode, and I’m stoked. Sweet, some supernatural sci-fi shit! And just to push it home that he’s special, the Others decide to kidnap his ass. Why else would they want some little snot? LASER BRAIN. A bunch of creepy people are vying for the love of little Walter, and who ends up getting it? No one!

Because he damn disappears off the show.

It was too damn hot

All I ever hear about is how they ended up writing Walt off the show because they knew he was going to hit puberty and grow a ton of inches and get acne. So…why did they ever give him ridiculously sweet mind powers in the first place? And don’t fucking tell me he didn’t have them!

They ended up parlaying the polar bear’s appearance into a sweet idea. I mean, having the bears spin the wheel so when the Island jumps, they’re transported, die, and leave no evidence? Fucking awesome. But clearly they weren’t there in that first episode for that reason. Don’t give me it! I’ll shank you. And then there’s the dead bird. The boy was special, a male Carrie or some shit!

And now? Fare thee well, Walt. He left the Island, but his astral ass has appeared a few times. Including one time when Jin was taking a shit, and Walt was like “Locke!” and Jin got all worried and shit harder, and Walt was like “Fuck, I teleported to the wrong place, my bad. Sorry about that, looking for Locke.” Aside from that though, not much.

Who knows though, with the last season coming and all. Maybe they rebooted time, and Walt will be back with everyone else. I wouldn’t be surprised. That’s the pain in the ass about commenting on a show that you know is just going to blow your mind out your puckered rectum, any predictions or certainties you have, are probably wrong.