I don’t really want to talk about anything anymore, other than Final Fantasy XIII. It’s okay though, because I misinterpret signals. For instance, with your dull expression and glazed eyes, I’m assuming that you’re totally stoked that I’m rambling about it again. Like, how, you know, Lightning is totally sweating on me. And she’s gorgeous. And I bet she has like a futuristic spaceship, and she listens to Mastodon, and she seriously loves when I fart and get crumbs everywhere.

Monday Morning Commute. Every Monday I’m going to detail the various things I’m either currently or will be watching, reading, playing, and listening to in the next seven days. It’s Monday. You’ve got a long week of school, work, or compulsive masturbation to get through. Tell me the arts that you’re indulging in, to stave off suicide.

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Mark Millar and Steve McNiven’s Nemesis is going to be fucking amazing. Why, you ask? Skeptical fucks! I’ll tell you. For starters, it’s by Mark Millar and Steve McNiven. They did Marvel’s Civil War storyline, but more importantly, they did OLD MAN LOGAN this year, which is pretty much the greatest fucking Wolverine story ever. EVER. Also, Millar is a true fucking pimp and has ripped off runs on Wolverine, The Ultimates, The Authority, and Fantastic Four which make your asshole pucker, as well as his creator owned Wanted, and Kick-Ass.

And then there’s the premise:

From Comic Book Resources:

Millar: Yeah, a lot of people who’ve read it have been coming up with hilarious tag-lines. “What if Batman was The Joker?” is the tame one. “What if Batman was a total cunt?” is maybe my favourite, although it’s hardly going to be an ad. Marvel President Dan Buckley sort of paid me a compliment, saying, “This is such a stupidly simple and obvious idea. I can’t believe nobody’s ever come up with it before. You are the master of the stupidly simple idea.” Which I suppose is kind of flattering because everyone said that about “Kick-Ass” too. It’s almost too simple.

But, yeah. “Nemesis” is a reversal of the Bruce Wayne or Tony Stark archetype. What if this genius billionaire was just this total shit, and the only thing that stood between him and a city was the cops? It’s Batman versus Commissioner Gordon, in a weird way. Or maybe a super-villain version of “Se7en.” A billionaire anarchist up against ordinary people. The Joker’s the best thing in the Batman movies, so this guy is a bit of an amalgamation of all the stuff we like.

If you’re not sold? Fuck you. March 2010. I cannot fucking wait.

Goodbye Christine, we hardly knew ye. When you self-administered some shotgun therapy in last night’s episode, I shed a single tear. You had a booty that made my heart palpitate, and I was beginning to feel like we truly had a connection. And by that, I mean that when my girlfriend went home after watching it, I’d rub myself over my boxers to you.

I do have to chastise you for taking yourself out of the game. In effect, that means that your sociopathic dad could continue on his killing spree, now that some other douchebag has been framed. I’m not really sure why you expected Deb to forgive you, after you shot her, and murdered the graying dude who probably had saggy balls and weird spots on his ass who she was in love with.

That said, I’m not sure I should expect you to make much sense, you’re the daughter of a serial killer who saw her father cozying up to a dead chick in a bathtub of blood when she was just a child.

Adieu, Christine, you’ll be remembered.

This is the first awesome thing that Rita has done all season. She’s been running around like Crazy Baby Momma, she’s been going through Dexter’s shit. She’s generally been annoying as hell, just for the sake of being a source of agitation now that Dexter wears the cowl of Family Man.

When Dexter slugged that assfart Elliot for befouling Rita with his filthy tongue, I knew it could go one of two ways. Either she’d get pissed off because her man was decking dickheads with righteous right hooks, or she could realize that he was merely defending her honor. Or something. But she came through! Finally. It’s good to see her realize that her man Dexter is the quiet, stoic type. Or a serial killer. But just because he’s like uh, never around, and shady, and always making up lies, he loves her. And will pop a dude in the mouth for molesting her.

Well done, Rita. You’ve seen the light.

If you’ve been watching Dexter this season, the above image makes your goddamn head burst with excitement. The Emperor Palpatine and Darth Vader of serial killers or some shit, in the same room. The Agent Smith and Neo, but hopefully without the awful CGI and philosophical pandering. The Magic Johnson and Larry Bird of people who stab people.

How the fuck does Dexter even get out of this room? Dude is finally exposed, his real life laying bare for Trinity to see. It’s okay though, since Kyle Butler is sort of a lame name.

But seriously, has there been a scene this tense on Dexter since Doakes found out that Dexter was a serial killer? It hasn’t been since Doakes was all “Mo’fuckah, you the Bay Harbor!” that I was thinking something like “I honestly have no idea how Dexter gets out of this predicament.”

Alright, I have no idea what’s going on in this picture. I had to look up the cute girl’s name, and it happens to be Vanille. And I think she’s riding a summon. And it happens to be a giant beast like thing that is also a dual gatling gun. This game is going to change my ass on a molecular level. It’s going to give me powers and shit.

For the second week in a row I headed to the package store hoping to find a brew based in coffee or espresso. And for the second time in two weeks, my hopes were powerbombed. Am I asking for too much? Is it unreasonable to think that I deserve a beer that tastes of coffee? Hell, I’ve dreamed of drinking such a liquid since 1996 and I’ll be damned if this fight is over.

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Oh, holy shit! The Bayonetta demo came out today, and I obviously downloaded it almost instantly and played it with my pants off. Duh! Double duh! And my first impressions? It really, truly, genuinely is Devil May Climax. I know that Bayonetta’s creator is also Devil May Cry’s, but god damn. Kamiya, you truly don’t give a fuck. The inventory system is identical, the story even seems to have the requisite foil for Bayonetta – some other chick with glasses and shit.

The entire experience is fucking bananas. Like, I really had no idea what was going on when the shit started. The game throws you into some battle with a zillion enemies that look like, that’s right, Devil May Cry clones. One thing I was digging on the fact that the game is decently difficult. I had to adjust my desired play technique, which was juggling the shit out of enemies and hoping other baddies around me couldn’t snap me out of a combo.

It’s been a while since I played DMC, but I thing you’re invincible during a combo, and can’t be interrupted for the most part.

Whoops. This shit forces you to dodge, or die.

At one point I was spinning on some weapon round and round like a god damn stripper, while shooting people with my shoes. That’s the sort of shit we’re dealing with here.

During the middle of some battle, I think it was a boss battle, the game commanded me to smash a button to climax. Yeah, you’re inputting commands to climax. And then Bayonetta went all bat-shit crazy and unleashed a torrent of ass-whupping and…stuff happened. I really don’t know what’s going on during combat for the most part,it’s all too much for even my over-caffeinated, twitching senses.

Bayonetta really ain’t going to be anything other than Devil May Cry starring some chick in leather and with gravity-breaking curves. I’m cool with that. But if you’re expecting anything more, you’re probably going to be bummed out. But let me repeat, it’s Devil May Cry, starring a chick with guns for high-heels. Don’t be a douche.

I decided to break down the Final Fantasy XIII cover. Intelligently. For starters, it’s interesting to see Lightning looking forward to something off-screen. Perhaps she is troubled by something, and she is gazing at something forthcoming. Her sword is drawn as though there is an imminent threat. Her one leg poised suggests she is assuming a position of authority.   Her lips are pursued, her mind contemplating the forthcoming battle. Her one arm bandaged, suggesting that you know, she is a wounded bird, a person not quite whole, but willing to strive towards something.

LOL.

JK.

LOOK AT HER FUCKING CREAMY THIGHS.

Supergod #2

I know what you’re thinking, “Ian, why are you recommending the second issue of Supergod, despite the fact that you haven’t even read the first one because it sold out too quickly? Is it perhaps because you’d take great pleasure in sniffing Warren Ellis’ used toilet paper?”

And the answer is invariably, of course!

More seriously though, I’ve been digging on the concept of Supergod since it was announced back in the middle of the summer. Let me try and sell it to you by quoting Lord Ellis himself on the premise of the title:

“SUPERGOD: praying to be saved by a man who can fly will get you killed.”

In short, it’s about man creating gods who then destroy the world. It’s morbid, and interesting, and it deals with all sorts of teleological shit that gets my philosophical boner rising. And oh yeah, it’s by Warren Ellis.

Siege: The Cabal

In case you were wondering what Marvel was going to do next to milk your comic prostrate for every last dollar, it’s the super megaevent, SIEGE. After seventeen years of Dark Reign, Norman Osborn plans on taking down Asgard. Good luck with that dude. But nonetheless. Since you cannot simply start MEGAEVENTS anymore without hyping it up with an Issue #0, and thirteen preludes, Marvel is giving us Siege: The Cabal. Apparently The Dude Formerly Known As Green Goblin throws down with Dr. Doom and the rest of the dillholes he aligned himself with. Smash, kapow and crap.

I’m actually sort of excited for Siege, just because it’s going to be penciled by Olivier Coipel, and I always am curious to the point of wasting money. I’m going to assume that The Cabal is just a quick money grab before the main event, but I am also a cynical asshole. How about you buy it, and if it doesn’t suck, I’ll borrow it.

Also dropping in the Marvel-verse is the fourth issue of The Marvels Project. I feel sort of shitty for shying away from this mini-series. It’s by Brubaker and Epting, who generally rock my socks. But I don’t have much interest in getting into yet another Origin of the Marvel storyline. I picked up the first issue, and never got through it. It’s wilting away sadly in some magazine rack in my house. I’m probably a true douche. And then there’s Fall of the Hulks, which is serving only to remind me that the Hulk and like his Hulk son or something still exist.

Seriously, the Red Hulk is still running around, and from what I’ve been told, people still don’t know who it is. I hope this shit doesn’t go on longer than wondering what GAMBIT’S DARK SECRET was back in the mid-90’s Hey Gambit, how do you feel about the Red Hulk?

Sacre Bleu! Mon Cheri! Mon Ami! Kinetic Playing Cards! Shitty 1990’s character! Just tell us, already!

Bro, I couldn’t agree more.

Blackest Night: The Flash #1

I know that I’m totally being hypocritical when I tell you I’m amped for this shit. I mean, I prattle off endless paragraphs about how I hate comic book events, and their spin-offs and shitty infiltration of all the regular books. And here I am, recommending a Blackest Night title? Calm down, let me explain yourself! Then you can point out the fact that I’m a douchebag.

The thing that I’ve liked about Blackest Night is that it’s focused almost exclusively on Barry Allen as the hero of the story. Thematically it makes sense, since he is the ultimate dude to have escaped death. You can take it that way, or reason that his resurrection was a cheap gimmick. Either way, he’s back. It’s nice to see an event that doesn’t involve Superman and his perpetual existential crisis, or Batman detecting shit. And with this spin-off, we get to see more of that goodness, and a fucking zombie flash!

Apparently Barry Allen’s archenemy is the Reverse Flash. I have no idea what the fuck that means, I suck at DC lore. Does he like, move really slowly? He is the reverse after all. I have no idea. But he’s back. And I have faith that Geoff Johns and his boy Scott Kolins can rip off something interesting. Flash fanboys speak of the duo in hushed whispers of reverence. I have only recently begun to appreciate the Flasher, but I am going to take them at their word.

DC is also dropping Superman World Of New Krypton #10 which sees Clark being tried for murder. I’m not down with Superman rocking out on New Krypton, but I can tell those tools one thing: Homeboy Kent didn’t murder anyone. He’s not that sort of guy. Alright? He loves his Ma and Pa and shit. I know this because we’re reminded every couple of months of this, and also of the fact that he will forever now look like Christopher Reeves. Speaking of which, and this would be tight, why don’t they resurrect Christopher Reeves in Blackest Night?

Just sayin’, cross-promotion.

Mark Millar is a straight-up pimp. And if you’re worth your weight as a Marvel fanboy, or even a lover of cape titles, you read his Ultimates back in the day. If you’re not yet reading his return to the Ultimate universe in Ultimate Avengers, it’s a problem you should correct as soon as possible. It’s slick, Hollywood action perfected on the panel.

Seriously, you owe it yourself to read it.