It’s Friday. Finally. TGI-fuckin’-F or whatever. If only it were 1989 again and I could rock the TGIF lineup, I may not have need to write this. But alas, times have changed and I can no longer rely on ABC’s transdimensional-series cameos to help kill the memories of the week.

Instead, I need a cold brew. And since I’m drinking anyways, I figure that I might as well take the opportunity to review the beverage for the six diehard, dedicated readers of OL.

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A final post before a weekend in Cow Country. Or as I call it, “The Great Unblemished.” Far away from the mega-malls and the sprawling vomited forth bastard of the land big box superdepartmentatrons.

I’ll be shaking from withdrawal with the internets by early evening. No 3G network! No continuous opening of Word Press! OMFG. I can’t surf the stream unlimited for nine hours, posting random posts brimming with uber-vulgarity! I’m not kidding, it’s going to be difficult.

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Well, it appears that when my life as a blogger comes crashing down because of my incessant adolescence, I’ll be able to become a game developer.

NGS2 will feature SIXAXIS-controlled boobs. That’s right, a jiggle of the PS3 controller will translate into a jiggle of the character’s bosom. Just when you thought Tecmo couldn’t get any filthier.

If this wasn’t stolen from my perennially prepubescent skull, I don’t know where they would have gotten it. No, seriously. I’m wearing a mind-shroud fashioned from uncooked flanks of meat as I type this. They’ve stolen my million-dollar idea.

I fucking love Tecmo. Why? Because they name no delusions about who their audience is. It’s something the writer of a blog who dubs themselves “From Comic Books to Cumshots” can get behind. They’ve created a mechanic that allows you to shake obscenely large on-screen boobs with your controller.

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One of the reasons I’ve preferred 360 this generation over my PS3 is because the PSN sucks rotten balls. Sweaty, post-jog balls. The 360 has offered an integrated experience. I really feel like I’m logging into a community. Whereas with PS3, you’re floating in some decentralized, sleek universe. It’s gorgeous, but I just feel like I’m not within some sort of beautiful hall of nerdy sweaty douchebags like myself. I enjoy how 360’s online component is centralized, and it’s not a bunch of companies doing their own thing.

Some Sony Big Wig Guy Importantatron dude realizes the same thing:

Via Destructoid:

I think we were late to offer the platform-level support, to make the online functionality work at that level,” spills Yoshida. “We made the prior decision that you do not introduce the common centralized network names into every experience, so publishers made their own. That was fine at the start, but as more and more games have online functionality you need a unified approach.

Well, it’s always refreshing to see a company admit a mistake. The next part is fixing it! Because between Blu Ray, Sony not screwing you over proprietary hard drives like Microsoft, and gorgeous exclusives like Uncharted and God of War and Ratchet and Clank, even my deep 360 fanboy-ism is beginning to quiver. All it’s going to take is Mass Effect going multi-console and a viable online community for me to jump ships. Ian Drinkwater, he’s a fickle beast.

Well, you know how I pioneered the “Supermanfuck!”

If you’ve forgotten, it’s when you’re having sex in the missionary position. And you lay down on your boyfriend/girlfriend, and you put both hands out like you’re flying. Assuming the iconic Superman mid-flight position. It’s brilliant. Still haven’t tried it.

Anyways.

I’m now combining it with my crush of the moment, Christina Hendricks. I’ve decided she’s literally the perfect woman to share your performance of the Supermanfuck with. Why?

Sam and I were watching an episode of Mad Men, and some guy is making out with Joan (her character). And because of her ample bosoms, the dude is literally floating above her. He’s got to be five feet in the air, resting on her cleavage. That’s how much of a bosom this beautiful woman has. And it has hit me, she is perfect for this position. If you can land on top of Christina Hendricks, and you hit the Supermanfuck!, you’ll literally find yourself flying above the most gorgeous woman on television.

You go, Superman!

I’m from Boston, so I’m torn on Curt Schilling. The dude delivered us two World Series championships. But he’s also a loud-mouthed blowhard conservative. Being from Boston I’m a child-aborting, same-sex kissing monster. But there is one thing I can assure you, Warcraft is going to break Curt Schilling.

Why? I’ll tell you. Yesterday, Curt Schilling said that he was considering a run at Ted Kennedy’s vacant senate seat. When pressed on it today however, Schilling said that while he was serious, it was going to take some serious thought. Why? According to Steve Buckley on WEEI radio today, it’s because a lot of his money is tied up in 38 Studios, his gaming company. And what are they developing? A fucking MMO. Oh Curt Schilling, you should have given me that money! I probably would have used it to buy an autograph from you.

A lot of Curt Schilling’s money is tied up in a gaming company, that seriously thinks it can compete with WoW, WoW2, and the Star Wars MMO.

Warcraft will break Curt Schilling if this is true. And they will dance on his smoldering remains.

As I mentioned before, the “Welcome to the Future” category is based off of inspiration from reading Warren Ellis’ Doktor Sleepless. It seems fitting then, that it appears his crazy insight is about to become true. In DS, there is the Clatter. What is the Clatter? Peep it:

Clatter is a wireless IM Lens instant messaging system built on to a soft contact lens. Clatter differs from other, commercial lens services by being open source and “riding” other services to create free cross-platform access.

It was created by John Reinhardt/Doktor Sleepless before he left for the Amazon.

Shriekygirls piggyback their shriekyware connections on Clatter signals.

In other words, it’s an instant messaging system that you see in front of you. This is futuristic sci-fi nonsense, right?

Not according to this news article at the IEEE Spectrum:

In the Terminator movies, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s character sees the world with data superimposed on his visual field–virtual captions that enhance the cyborg’s scan of a scene. In stories by the science fiction author Vernor Vinge, characters rely on electronic contact lenses, rather than smartphones or brain implants, for seamless access to information that appears right before their eyes.

These visions (if I may) might seem far-fetched, but a contact lens with simple built-in electronics is already within reach; in fact, my students and I are already producing such devices in small numbers in my laboratory at the University of Washington, in Seattle [see sidebar, “A Twinkle in the Eye”]. These lenses don’t give us the vision of an eagle or the benefit of running subtitles on our surroundings yet. But we have built a lens with one LED, which we’ve powered wirelessly with RF. What we’ve done so far barely hints at what will soon be possible with this technology.

Welcome to the motherfucking future. Where you’ll be able to see like the Terminator, and chat with your friends while you close your eyes waiting for sleep.

Last night, Pepsibones asked me if I had heard about Guy Ritchie. Yeah, I said, the dumb ass is directing the Lobo movie. Which is going to excite my fourteen year old self. Lobo was awesome back in the day, because he was a dumb swearing piece of shit who stabbed stuff. I was fourteen. Hopped up on testosterone and giggling at boobs. This dude understood me.

I convey to Pepsibones that I thought Lobo sucked now, when he hit me with:

Yeah, but did you know he was created as a commentary on Wolverine and other ridiculous anti-heroes?

I was aware of that, but it only was made vaguely known to me after I had evolved out of my primordial testosterone madness. Into my uh, post-mordial, testosterone semi-madness. And that said, I wasn’t the only boner-sporting adolescent who completely missed the message, according to the guy behind Lobo’s popularity, Keith Giffen:

Via Lobo’s Wiki:

I have no idea why Lobo took off,” Giffen once said in an interview. Referring to the 1990s incarnation of Lobo he created, he said, “I came up with him as an indictment of the Punisher, Wolverine, hero prototype and somehow he caught on as the high violence poster boy. Go figure”

No idea? I can help you dude. Because people always miss the point! Especially in mainstream culture. Maybe in indie comics or Focus Feature films the point is gotten, over-analyzed and then thrown to the wolves. But shit like Lobo? C’mon. It was marketed towards teenage boys who wanted to see gunshots and swears. It’s ironic, how the very medium you used to make your commentary turned against you! People always miss the point. The Dark Knight was just about Batmobiles, the Matrix was just about guns and kung-fu, and Fight Club was about people punching one another.

There isn’t much room for social commentary when dealing with us mouth-breathing teenage boys.

The pile of money that Blizzard execs use to wipe their ass and snort their coke with just got a little larger. That’s right, today the long-awaited Faction Changes!!! went live. Which means that you can now change your fruity night-elf hunter named “Leggolazz” into a Tauren hunter named “Leggolaughz”.

For thirty fucking dollars! Not bad!

God damn, Blizzard knows how to make them ducets. They know we’ll pay for name changes, they know we’ll pay $40 to watch a god damn live stream of their press conferences. Of course we’ll pay to transmute our dwarf mage into a blood-elf! DUH. I can’t even fault the bastards, they have me wrapped around their finger too. In fact, faction changes ain’t the last thing comin’! Soon we’re getting inter-alliance race changes. For money. Of course.

Too slow Blizz, I would have paid for a year ago!

Last year I used a three way swap between friends to get myself a Draenei hunter. I was tired of being all beautiful and female (this is before sex changes, which yes now do exist for money) and night-elfy. I traded a copy of WotLK to a friend, who then traded his warrior to another guy, who gave me his Draenei hunter.

No, I’m not fucking lying.

Blizz, they know us, they know us all too well. Soon they’ll capitalize on that shit too.