#March2014

PHIL SPENCER (Blazer & T-Shirt Guy) is the new HEAD OF XBOX

Phil Spencer.

Phil Spencer: Mostly known to me as the Blazer & T-Shirt Guy from his various presentations. Now I’m going to know the lad by another appellation: Head of XBOX. I don’t really know how to feel. Microsoft has spent the last year peeling off restrictions from their console, getting outsold by the PS4, and making me fucking pay for an adapter to use my existing headset. Is Spencer behind any of this? Will he alleviate some of this douchery now that he’s in control? I wonder. As an owner of the XBONER, I’m hoping he does a fantastic job.

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Microsoft teasing XB1 exclusive from “WONDERFUL” Japanese dev. Japan is like “lol whatev”

Steve Ballmer is ready.

Microsoft is teasing us with promise of an exclusive from a “wonderful” Japanese developer. I really wonder what the fuck it can be, and how much money they’ve backed up into the gaping anus of said developer to obtain it. (In case you didn’t know, currency-to-anus transfers are the new hot phenomenon in my mind.) Cause like, with XB1 not even out in Japan yet, what sort of exclusive with a Japanese developer provide?

NO SERIOUSLY — I don’t know. Any guesses?

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Microsoft buys ‘GEARS OF WAR.’ Exclusive++

Gears of War.

Gears of War has always been a Microsoft exclusive, but now the franchise is definitely not going anywhere. The Company that Bill Built or Something has purchased the series from Epic Games. Not only that though, they’ve reclaimed series producer Rod Ferguson. I’m actually quite stoked about the enterprise.

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Perhaps: Neill Blomkamp directing ‘HALO’ pilot for Microsoft

Halo 4

Who the fuck else would it be Caff, if not Microsoft? I know, I know. Hashtag redundancy. Anyways, before Neill Blomkamp was known for District 9 the good sir directed a series of stunning Halo short films. Bro was even involved in a movie adaptation. But things went and got stalled, which prompted Blomkamp to throw up the deuces. Dare we say the sir is returning to the franchise?

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Indignant Gasp! Microsoft pays YouTube personalities to promote Xbox One

OPRAH.

This is a surprise! A horrible, wrenching surprise. Apparently Microsoft pays, pays! YouTube personalities to promote XB1. Here I thought these folks were bulletproof, incapable of being morally assailed.

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Apple buys company that MADE ORIGINAL KINECT. All Minority Report Everything.

HAL 9000. BRUH.

The company that made the 1984 advertisement back in the day is doubling down on creepy future-tech. That’s right, Apple has bought the folks who made Microsoft’s original Kinect. And now there ain’t nothing holding back the Steve Jobs-nanobody robopocalypse.

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XBOX ONE sells more than 1 MILLION UNITS WORLDWIDE on launch day. XBONIN’ THE HATERS.

Steve Ballmer is ready.

I am by no means an Xbone hater. As I’ve said across the various poorly-edited posts on this site, I’ve made my amends with Microsoft. Their recalcitrance giving away to penitence more than mollified my anger. So them doing well on launch day? I ain’t got no beef.

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MICROSOFT’S “SIRI” EQUIVALENT IS CALLED “CORTANA.” ARE THE BLUE JUB JUBS INCLUDED?

Cortana.

Yeahhh! Pig alert! I can’t help it (Yes I can, I’m just a piece of shit.) I want to swerve my swizzle stick all around Master Chief’s blue-bummed aid’s ass. Or something. What am I even talking about? So tired. Oh yeah! Being attracted to polygons. Cortana. Yum yum. Microsoft must know that I’m not alone, because they’re calling their Siri equivalent “Cortana.”

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Opinions Vary: Xbox One and Sex near the punch bowl

Steve Ballmer is ready.

When I was thirty-three, I was madly in love with a man named Herbert. Built like a brick shit house, and worked in a pizzeria. Herbert and I were madly in love. That’s until the day I caught him giving the old pepperoni push to one of his co-workers in the back of our 1992 Sable station wagon. I was aghast. Me holding my pepperoni, this random stranger’s rectal cavity holding my Herbert’s. I felt betrayed. Still we persisted. For a bit. Herbert and I broke up that New Year’s Eve when I found him fingering some young stud near the punch bowl, carelessly pouring spiked Kool Aid all over his balls. I didn’t stay to watch him lap it up.

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XBOX ONE ‘SEASON PASS GUARANTEES’ carries DLC ACROSS GENS. Dope ++

Good Guy Ballmer.

This is froggy fresh. One of the interesting things about this Fall is that titles are dropping across multiple generations. What if I buy Call of Duty: It’s A Doggy Dog Life on my 360, but then I snag an XBONE for Christmas? What will happen to all those wonderful maps I snagged? Microsoft? They’re actually doing me a fucking solid.

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