#July2014

Microsoft all like OR NAH about TV content. Closing XBOX Entertainment Studios

xbox originals or something

Microsoft’s foray into original entertainment didn’t really progress beyond the zygotic stage. (I don’t know if that’s accurate, I just wanted to say “zygotic stage.”) The company has announced they’re putting the fucking kibosh on Xbox Entertainment Studios. This announcement is part of Microsoft’s slimming down at the hands of the company’s new Czar.

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E3 2014 MASTERPOST: CLOSE-OUT, ASS-OUT, VIDEOS & NEWS COMPENDIUM

boom! OKAY FOLKS. Listen up. Between the alimony hearings, the drug use, the fact that Feedly went down for two fucking days, and my favorite butt plug melting in my dishwasher (which required an immediate journey to the upper mountains of the Appalachians to replace), there’s some E3 STUFF I DIDN’T GET TO. However, I also posted a fucking fuckload. Here in one batch is everything I’ve caught from E3. Posted, and previously unposted. Sorted by console. Don’t see your fave announcement/game? Hit the comments. I’ll add it. I know I’m missing a lot. Also! Use this space just to shoot the E3 shit. Read the rest of this entry »

Microsoft confirms XBOX ONE is 10% faster without KINECT.

Steve Ballmer is ready.

When Microsoft announced they were cutting the mandatory cord on Kinect, Smarter People Than Me speculated that doing so could free up some processing power. Well, Egg Heads be damned. They were right. To the tune of a 10% performance boost. Yay! Yay? This is all rad and Hell, but if both parties in the NEXT-GEN (or is it now current gen?) DANCE OFF could release games specific to this new generation, that would be far more exciting than this.

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PHIL SPENCER (Blazer & T-Shirt Guy) is the new HEAD OF XBOX

Phil Spencer.

Phil Spencer: Mostly known to me as the Blazer & T-Shirt Guy from his various presentations. Now I’m going to know the lad by another appellation: Head of XBOX. I don’t really know how to feel. Microsoft has spent the last year peeling off restrictions from their console, getting outsold by the PS4, and making me fucking pay for an adapter to use my existing headset. Is Spencer behind any of this? Will he alleviate some of this douchery now that he’s in control? I wonder. As an owner of the XBONER, I’m hoping he does a fantastic job.

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Microsoft teasing XB1 exclusive from “WONDERFUL” Japanese dev. Japan is like “lol whatev”

Steve Ballmer is ready.

Microsoft is teasing us with promise of an exclusive from a “wonderful” Japanese developer. I really wonder what the fuck it can be, and how much money they’ve backed up into the gaping anus of said developer to obtain it. (In case you didn’t know, currency-to-anus transfers are the new hot phenomenon in my mind.) Cause like, with XB1 not even out in Japan yet, what sort of exclusive with a Japanese developer provide?

NO SERIOUSLY — I don’t know. Any guesses?

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Microsoft buys ‘GEARS OF WAR.’ Exclusive++

Gears of War.

Gears of War has always been a Microsoft exclusive, but now the franchise is definitely not going anywhere. The Company that Bill Built or Something has purchased the series from Epic Games. Not only that though, they’ve reclaimed series producer Rod Ferguson. I’m actually quite stoked about the enterprise.

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Perhaps: Neill Blomkamp directing ‘HALO’ pilot for Microsoft

Halo 4

Who the fuck else would it be Caff, if not Microsoft? I know, I know. Hashtag redundancy. Anyways, before Neill Blomkamp was known for District 9 the good sir directed a series of stunning Halo short films. Bro was even involved in a movie adaptation. But things went and got stalled, which prompted Blomkamp to throw up the deuces. Dare we say the sir is returning to the franchise?

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Indignant Gasp! Microsoft pays YouTube personalities to promote Xbox One

OPRAH.

This is a surprise! A horrible, wrenching surprise. Apparently Microsoft pays, pays! YouTube personalities to promote XB1. Here I thought these folks were bulletproof, incapable of being morally assailed.

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Apple buys company that MADE ORIGINAL KINECT. All Minority Report Everything.

HAL 9000. BRUH.

The company that made the 1984 advertisement back in the day is doubling down on creepy future-tech. That’s right, Apple has bought the folks who made Microsoft’s original Kinect. And now there ain’t nothing holding back the Steve Jobs-nanobody robopocalypse.

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XBOX ONE sells more than 1 MILLION UNITS WORLDWIDE on launch day. XBONIN’ THE HATERS.

Steve Ballmer is ready.

I am by no means an Xbone hater. As I’ve said across the various poorly-edited posts on this site, I’ve made my amends with Microsoft. Their recalcitrance giving away to penitence more than mollified my anger. So them doing well on launch day? I ain’t got no beef.

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