#January2015

Shh: Microsoft hiring for “top secret” Xbox projects.

Steve Ballmer is ready.

Microsoft wants YOU, fuckboy!, for their Top Secret Xbox projects. Provided of course that you have the leet skillz required to execute their astounding vision. What could it be? Kinect with responsive teledildonics? A VR headset like everyone else? I can only imagine.

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Dude who founded Xbox Live has left Microsoft

Boyd.

I know, I know. You think XBL, you think slurs and adolescence. I get it. But still — imagine being the motherfucker who conceived and implemented the gaming juggernaut online service bonanza (at least last generation)? Boyd Multerer is that dude. And he’s outtie-5000 from Microsoft.

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Microsoft now accepting Bitcoin for games, music, more. Cryptolicious.

Steve Ballmer is ready.

What the fuck is Cryptolicious? A man’s fried brain desperately trying to come up with a title. That same man’s brain failing. But efforting anyways, promising itself it’ll at least keep functioning until the large chicken parmesan calzone arrives. Soon: food. But now: cryptocurrency news.

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Microsoft files ‘Battletoads’ trademark, my childhood weeps happily

battletoads

Microsoft has filed a trademark for Battletoads. According to the Web, of course. SURELY YOU JEST, CRUEL INTERNET? Don’t fuck around with me. I’m more than fucking ready to rock out to a modern, side-scrolling Toadtacular beat ‘em up. So don’t play with my heart.

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Microsoft looking to buy ‘Minecraft’ developer for $2 Billi

Minecraft

Microsoft is looking to get into the fucking Minecraft game even harder. To the tune of $2 billion dollars. I say goddamn!, that’s a lot of mines being crafted. (What does that mean, Caff? Absolutely nothing!)

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Microsoft all like, “Wanna buy Xbox Entertainment Studios”?

Steve Ballmer is ready.

Last month, Microsoft killed Xbox Entertainment Studios. This month, it seems like they’re trying to pawn the dead-not-dead original programming company off onto an sucker interested party. So far, that sucker interested party seems to be Warner Bros.

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Well Then: The next ‘Tomb Raider’ is an Xbox Exclusive~

Rise of the Tomb Raider

Rise of the Tomb Raider is only going to be rolling up on Xbox consoles, and man I can only imagine the staggering amount of cash Microsoft threw around to procure this exclusive. And I wonder if this is a timed exclusive, or an outright? None the less. This is one of those times that I’m glad I’m a materialistic, completionist, Day 1 whore.

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Microsoft all like OR NAH about TV content. Closing XBOX Entertainment Studios

xbox originals or something

Microsoft’s foray into original entertainment didn’t really progress beyond the zygotic stage. (I don’t know if that’s accurate, I just wanted to say “zygotic stage.”) The company has announced they’re putting the fucking kibosh on Xbox Entertainment Studios. This announcement is part of Microsoft’s slimming down at the hands of the company’s new Czar.

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E3 2014 MASTERPOST: CLOSE-OUT, ASS-OUT, VIDEOS & NEWS COMPENDIUM

boom! OKAY FOLKS. Listen up. Between the alimony hearings, the drug use, the fact that Feedly went down for two fucking days, and my favorite butt plug melting in my dishwasher (which required an immediate journey to the upper mountains of the Appalachians to replace), there’s some E3 STUFF I DIDN’T GET TO. However, I also posted a fucking fuckload. Here in one batch is everything I’ve caught from E3. Posted, and previously unposted. Sorted by console. Don’t see your fave announcement/game? Hit the comments. I’ll add it. I know I’m missing a lot. Also! Use this space just to shoot the E3 shit. Read the rest of this entry »

Microsoft confirms XBOX ONE is 10% faster without KINECT.

Steve Ballmer is ready.

When Microsoft announced they were cutting the mandatory cord on Kinect, Smarter People Than Me speculated that doing so could free up some processing power. Well, Egg Heads be damned. They were right. To the tune of a 10% performance boost. Yay! Yay? This is all rad and Hell, but if both parties in the NEXT-GEN (or is it now current gen?) DANCE OFF could release games specific to this new generation, that would be far more exciting than this.

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