It is with somber tones, ashen eyes, and a strained sadness that I announce that the Xbox 360 has ceased production. Man, my Xbox 360 and me spent some serious fucking time together. Or rather, my three Xbox 360s and me spent some serious fucking time together. From Gears to the Mass Effect series to Fallout 3, I probably chalked up thousands of hours of my twenty-somethings on Microsoft’s sophomore console.
Woah. This is something that I have all spitballed about for some time now. The ability to play with fellow gamers across console lines. Granted, this development will only work if Sony “participates” in the initiative, but fuck. Ball is in your court, PlayStation Overlords. Let’s get this done.
The demise of the console has been greatly exaggerated. Many thought Gen8 would be the generation that finally saw consoles give way to mobile gaming. And while that MGL (mobile gaming life, obviously) is popular, it hasn’t completely eroded us core dorkwads. So it doesn’t come as much surprise to me that Phil Spencer is already saying that there will be an Xbox Two to follow the Xbox One.
The future of augmented reality! Is! Surfing the slick Internet as a Console Cowboy! Or! No! It’s playing Halo 5 on the toilet as you rip a gnarly Doritos-and-Dew dump, courtesy of the HoloLens glasses adoring your cool, cool face.
Minecraft seems wonderful. Beyond my ADD-addled brain, but wonderful. Seems to encourage creativity in the youth and beyond, and I respect the fuck out of that. So I continue to cheer on its rampant, rampaging success.
Are you like me? Well, that depends. Do you want to create an indie game where the protagonist must consume pixelated cans of Diet Dew in order to shit laser beams at bouncing pixelated Mark Millar fans? Well, if you are!, now you can create this game for the both of us. On XB1. With your store-bought console.
Microsoft wants YOU, fuckboy!, for their Top Secret Xbox projects. Provided of course that you have the leet skillz required to execute their astounding vision. What could it be? Kinect with responsive teledildonics? A VR headset like everyone else? I can only imagine.
I know, I know. You think XBL, you think slurs and adolescence. I get it. But still — imagine being the motherfucker who conceived and implemented the gaming juggernaut online service bonanza (at least last generation)? Boyd Multerer is that dude. And he’s outtie-5000 from Microsoft.
What the fuck is Cryptolicious? A man’s fried brain desperately trying to come up with a title. That same man’s brain failing. But efforting anyways, promising itself it’ll at least keep functioning until the large chicken parmesan calzone arrives. Soon: food. But now: cryptocurrency news.
Microsoft has filed a trademark for Battletoads. According to the Web, of course. SURELY YOU JEST, CRUEL INTERNET? Don’t fuck around with me. I’m more than fucking ready to rock out to a modern, side-scrolling Toadtacular beat ’em up. So don’t play with my heart.