#December2015

Microsoft: Xbox One will not be our last console. Me: No duh

Xbox Media Briefing

The demise of the console has been greatly exaggerated. Many thought Gen8 would be the generation that finally saw consoles give way to mobile gaming. And while that MGL (mobile gaming life, obviously) is popular, it hasn’t completely eroded us core dorkwads. So it doesn’t come as much surprise to me that Phil Spencer is already saying that there will be an Xbox Two to follow the Xbox One.

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Watch: Stream Xbox One games to Microsoft’s own HoloLens glasses

The future of augmented reality! Is! Surfing the slick Internet as a Console Cowboy! Or! No! It’s playing Halo 5 on the toilet as you rip a gnarly Doritos-and-Dew dump, courtesy of the HoloLens glasses adoring your cool, cool face.

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‘Minecraft’ Sales: 20 Million on PC, 70 Million Total

Mine-Crafting

Minecraft seems wonderful. Beyond my ADD-addled brain, but wonderful. Seems to encourage creativity in the youth and beyond, and I respect the fuck out of that. So I continue to cheer on its rampant, rampaging success.

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Pretty Gnarl: XB1 retail consoles will become dev kits this year

XB1.

Are you like me? Well, that depends. Do you want to create an indie game where the protagonist must consume pixelated cans of Diet Dew in order to shit laser beams at bouncing pixelated Mark Millar fans? Well, if you are!, now you can create this game for the both of us. On XB1. With your store-bought console.

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Shh: Microsoft hiring for “top secret” Xbox projects.

Steve Ballmer is ready.

Microsoft wants YOU, fuckboy!, for their Top Secret Xbox projects. Provided of course that you have the leet skillz required to execute their astounding vision. What could it be? Kinect with responsive teledildonics? A VR headset like everyone else? I can only imagine.

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Dude who founded Xbox Live has left Microsoft

Boyd.

I know, I know. You think XBL, you think slurs and adolescence. I get it. But still — imagine being the motherfucker who conceived and implemented the gaming juggernaut online service bonanza (at least last generation)? Boyd Multerer is that dude. And he’s outtie-5000 from Microsoft.

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Microsoft now accepting Bitcoin for games, music, more. Cryptolicious.

Steve Ballmer is ready.

What the fuck is Cryptolicious? A man’s fried brain desperately trying to come up with a title. That same man’s brain failing. But efforting anyways, promising itself it’ll at least keep functioning until the large chicken parmesan calzone arrives. Soon: food. But now: cryptocurrency news.

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Microsoft files ‘Battletoads’ trademark, my childhood weeps happily

battletoads

Microsoft has filed a trademark for Battletoads. According to the Web, of course. SURELY YOU JEST, CRUEL INTERNET? Don’t fuck around with me. I’m more than fucking ready to rock out to a modern, side-scrolling Toadtacular beat ’em up. So don’t play with my heart.

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Microsoft looking to buy ‘Minecraft’ developer for $2 Billi

Minecraft

Microsoft is looking to get into the fucking Minecraft game even harder. To the tune of $2 billion dollars. I say goddamn!, that’s a lot of mines being crafted. (What does that mean, Caff? Absolutely nothing!)

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Microsoft all like, “Wanna buy Xbox Entertainment Studios”?

Steve Ballmer is ready.

Last month, Microsoft killed Xbox Entertainment Studios. This month, it seems like they’re trying to pawn the dead-not-dead original programming company off onto an sucker interested party. So far, that sucker interested party seems to be Warner Bros.

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