Bethesda. Just. Just let me fucking tell you. If you’re holding an E3 conference, for the first time ever, and it isn’t to announce Fallout 4. Just. Just expect a dude clad in his own used underwear and painted in his own DNA to rush the stage. Hint: that dude is me.
Fuck you, Bethesda! Not releasing anything. Fuck you, Troll Guy who created the fake Fallout 4 website.. Fallout 4 is real and Fallout 4 is set in Massachusetts. I’m so fucking sprung right now. Typing with my painfully swollen nerd-dong. God, get this game in me already.
OH FUCKING GOD DAMMIT. May the soul who perpetuated this most horrid fib (honestly perhaps the most egregiously malicious lie in all of history) get razor-blade laced diarrhea. Whilst they stand outside in a tsunami of blood and animal carcasses. Fuck.
Sweet Merciful Dingleberries, how the fuck did I miss this?! How did I?! Not only is there a fucking teaser site for Fallout 4, but it has itself one of them bona fide hype-inducing countdowns. Jesus Christ.
Sorry Nintendo Friends. (And listen, I’ll end up buying a Wii U at some point because of Mario Nebula or whatever, so it isn’t like I hate the company.) That huge third-party push that you’ve been waiting for the Wii U to receive is probably never going to happen. According to the VP Czar of Bethesda’s Propaganda Branch, the window during which Nintendo could have convinced publishers to come to their last-next-somewhere generation system has closed.
Well, shit. I certainly didn’t see this coming. It ain’t Fallout 4, and for that I’m going to rope-a-dope by balls with a frozen sirloin steak. It is what must be done. It ain’t the end of the world, though. Shinji Mikami. Bethesda. I’ll take it.
Bethesda’s website has a six-second teaser for something. I’ll be titty-fucked by a kangaroo before I know what it is for, though.
Bethesda has promised to make “more noise” this year within the gaming world. If this noise doesn’t consist of the drums of war, following the nuclear Armageddon, I’m going to be pissed. I have patiently waited five fucking years. Give me Fallout 4.
Bethesda is hiring for an unannounced next-gen game. If I had my druthers, I would bet that it is Fallout 5: New Tokyo, starring Vin Diesel. Perhaps fortunately I am broke, and so those who are smart enough to take me up on that bet are incapable of doing so.