#April2011

Nintendo’s New Console Will Be At E3, Playable ‘By Everyone.’

Well, son of a bitch! Just add another thing to the list of reasons why I’d sell a good pint of my liqui-children to a bank or two for the opportunity to go to E3. Nintendo has confirmed their new console will be there, and people who are attending will get to play it.

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Monday Morning Commute: Flower Moon Horizon

Thank the Maker – April’s almost over! Here in New England, winters are absolutely brutal and I’m pretty sure that this last one has been the bleakest of my life. As such, April seemed like it’d be a great reprieve but it’s proven to be a fickle bitch – cold and rainy with just enough sunshine to keep the razor from my wrist. But once May hits the winter coats are traded for hooded sweatshirts and smiles are abound.

It’s true – scientists say so.

To get us through this final week of National Sexual Assault Awareness Month, let’s hop into the Monday Morning Commute – the shining piercing on the tip of the dong that is the workweek. I’m going to run you through the highlights of the upcoming seven days, and then you can do the same. It’s internet-buddy show-and-tell at its best. Or worst. You decide.

Let’s do this.

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Rockin’/The Second Stage Turbine Blade (Live)

Tonight I have the privilege of seeing Coheed and Cambria perform The Second Stage Turbine Blade in its entirety. Coheed is one of my all-time favorite bands, having saved my life with their brand of heart-on-sleeve sci-fi rock more than once. It’s been a few years since I’ve made my way to one of their shows and I think it’s going to be a real treat to sing along to their debut album.

Hopefully I’m not the only dude tearing up while reliving all of the memories attached to this decade-old album.

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Press Start!: Jesus Christ Bribes You, Nintendo Has A New Wii To Play With.

This is Press Start! Welcome one, welcome all. How are you on this fair weekend? I hope you’ve escaped the drudgery momentarily. Tapped out of the 9-5 machinations of our wonderful grindo-culture, for a couple of days. Sip some suds and check out the five things that I dug in gaming this week, and as usual share your own.

This week we have fucking Best Buy wanting to ruin your shopping experience, the Wii 2’s specs dribbling down your chin, a pastor bribing sinners with Nintendos, and more.

Let’s party.

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#1: Best Buy Promises To Ruin Your Gaming Experience.
I like shopping for shopping for video games at Best Buy. While I admittedly do most of my video game acquiring whilst sitting in sweaty, dank midnight release lines, whenever I go to Best Buy it’s a welcome change of pace.

Why?

Motherfuckers at Gamestop are miserable. All up in my grill, wanting to know if I want to reserve anything. If I want to buy a fucking disc protection warranty. If I want to buy   a strategy guide when the entire universe of the internet can provide the sort of tips and tricks I need.

You don’t get this shit at Best Buy. Or at least you didn’t.

This week it was revealed that Best Buy wants to add all sorts of happy horseshit to their gaming section. They want to add desks and shit where “specialists” will sit and “help us” with our trade-ins, and offer us “exclusive digital content.”

Oh fuck me. Best Buy, be the one place who stays the fuck out of our way. I don’t want to reserve anything unless I say so, and I certainly don’t want to have a warranty on a disc shoved down my throat.

Best Buy: Making Amazon look like a better, and better option.

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#2: Church Bribes People With 3DS And Other Electronics.
Here’s an inventive way to get people to go to church on Sunday. Nothing can get people to abandon reason and science in favor of mystic Zombie Walkers better than materialism. I mean, I’ll be fucking goddamned (there’s a pun in there somewhere) if we don’t worship anything like we do our products.  At least one church has finally realized that our lawn and our cars are our only God.

Meet   pastor Eric Dykstra and The Crossing Church. They’re offering $8,000 in electronics as a bribe to drive asses into seats on Sunday. That’s right, if you attend, you’re entered into a fucking lottery to snag a Nintendo 3DS and other bullshit. Praise the lord! Dykstra breaks it down:

“It’s awkward to say ‘hey come to my church.’ It just feels weird and you don’t want to twist somebody’s arm so to kind of alleviate some of that weirdness what we’ve done is said hey if you bring your friend to church they might potentially win a 3D television, a 3DS or a 3D movie ticket package.”

Fair enough, fair enough. Motherfuckers have to be ingenuitive to get people back into the altars. Makes a road trip to Minnesota almost worth it.

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#3:  Sega Attempts To Break Our Heart Again With New Sonic Game.
Sonic Generations, welcome to the fucking world! In celebration of Sonic’s 20th Anniversary, Sega has announced yet another crack at the Sonic franchise. Man, Sonic’s 20 years-old. What’s more staggering than that is that there hasn’t been a fucking console Sonic game worth playing for more than half of that. I’m throwing the fucking chips down, Sonic Adventure was the last excellent title for our hedgehog. If you think that game wasn’t excellent, I may even grant you that.

Here comes Sonic Generations though, and it’s a bit of a unique spin. They’re offering classic levels such as Green Hill Zone, but with a twist. You can play through the levels either as classic Sonic, or with a viewpoint that echoes the more modern approach.

Fuck. The modern. Approach.

The ability to whiz through Green Hill zone with sexified graphics just may be enough for me to rock this title. However, more than likely, the game is going to drop, it’s going to get reviews that shitcan it, and I’m going to bemoan the lack of a quality Sonic on my plate.

Sonic 4? Fuck that game. Come on Sonic Team, get this goddamn shit done.

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Marvel Drops A Ludicrous Amount Of ‘Thor’ Screens On Us.

Marvel has released a fucking plethora of new movie screens from the upcoming ‘Thor.’ It’s a sexy collection of bearded gods, sizzling goddesses, and some neat behind the scenes stuff. A fucking shit ton, man! Hit the jump, check out the pictures, and uh, stuff.

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Extended ‘Green Lantern’ TV Spot Got New Footage For You.

The Green Lantern hype train is beginning to kick into overdrive. A new extended TV spot that premiered during American Idol and 30 Rock on Thursday evening had itself some new footage.

Hit the jump to check it out.

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Here’s A Possible Leaked Image Of Nintendo’s Wii 2.

Nintendo’s successor to the Wii has been rumored to be codenamed “Project Cafe.” Yeah, that’s a bit complicated. Today there’s an image working its way around the internet purporting to be a glimpse at the console/or cafe or whatever.

Hit the jump to check it out.

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‘X-Men: First Class’ International Trailer Got New Footage, Special Effects.

Marvel’s dropped a new X-Men: First Class international trailer on our comic asses. On top of some new footage, it offers a look at the special effects of the movie. If you’re familiar with the flick, you know they’re fucking cutting and shooting and ripping up the special effects as we speak, trying to churn this pig out in time. Hopefully the mayhem and the energy needed to get this out will translate onto the big screen.

Hit the jump for a look at the trailer.

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Super: A Colorful, Violently Perverted Joy

Super, the latest from Slither director James Gunn, takes the superhero movie and splits its forehead open with a wrench. I went in expecting graphic violence and overall campiness, but Gunn takes you to the edge, lets you dangle, then shoves you off while he laughs and downs a Red Bull. He’s not trying to cater to his audience, or any audience for that matter. Several times throughout he lulls you into a great rhythm of “okay, this is what the movie is going to be like,” then he throws some dynamite in the works and sidles off.

Rainn Wilson plays Frank, a dumpy short-order cook who is somehow married to the gorgeous Sarah (Liv Tyler). He holds on to the two perfect moments in his life dearly: his wedding and when he helped a cop catch a purse snatcher. Unlike that dweeb from Kick Ass, it’s actually easy to believe that Frank is a real loser who thinks becoming a superhero is perfectly rational. He’s given this heroic impulse after Sarah leaves him for drug/strip club proprietor Kevin Bacon. And after the hand of God literally touches him. Seriously, that scene is incredible.

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Want Some Wii 2 Specs? IGN Got You Covered.

The onslaught of new Nintendo console news is rolling in. Continuously. I’m sort of excited about it though, so please wait it out if you’re not feeling it.

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‘Green Lantern’ Movie Gets Two Character Posters.

My excitement for the Green Lantern went up a good deal after witnessing the footage from Wondercon. I ain’t dumb enough to deny that it may be simply the product of a well-cut trailer, corralling the dopest contents of the movie into four minutes.

But let me be excited!

Today, two character posters for the movie were released on the movie’s Facebook page.

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