I don’t give a fuck about the PlayStation phone, and for that reason I haven’t covered it here. Until tonight. According to Kotaku, the Chinese website IT168 got its grubby paws “on a version of the phone (which it carefully points out may not be the final, production model) and put it through its paces, detailing not just the device’s hardware specs but some other interesting tidbits as well.”

Interested in the specs, as well as some images of the phone? Hit the jump, you slags.

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Entertainment Weekly just blew the lid off of one of the most anticipated games, Uncharted 3. The game’s official title is Uncharted 3: Drake’s Deception, and it is totally going Indiana Jones and Lawrence of Arabia with Drake running around some fucking gorgeous sand dunes and shit.

Here, some details:

According to Naughty Dog’s creative director Amy Hennig, the theme of deception plays out in multiple ways throughout the threequel, from Drake doing the deceiving to Drake being deceived to some mysterious deception about Drake’s very identity. The story focuses on the hero’s relationship with his mentor and father figure, fan fave Victor “Sully” Sullivan, and has him searching for a legendary lost city that will ultimately take him to the Arabian Peninsula and the vast wasteland of the Rub’ al Khali Desert, also known as the Empty Quarter.

[cont]

Uncharted likes to keep one foot (or at least a toe) grounded in history (Nathan’s ancestor is the British pirate, explorer and Navy officer Sir Francis Drake) and the plot of Uncharted 3 draws more from Drake’s exploits as well as from the life of T.E. Lawrence – not from his militant days as the fabled “Lawrence of Arabia,” but rather the Brit’s early years as an archaeologist. The inspiration for the story, says Hennig, came from Naughty Dog’s desire to take on the challenge of conceiving and building out gameplay scenarios within a desert locale – “challenge,” because organic elements like water, fire and sand are technically difficult to credibly render with animation.

It’s a scientific fact that Uncharted 2 is the best game of the generation. Doing some tabulating with my abacus and some beaker work to conjure the true essence of knowledge into my brain stem, I have ascertained this. So I am beyond stoked for this title.

HIT THE JUMP FOR THE SCREENSHOTS OMFG

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An intrepid soul out there in the netherealms of the internet came looking for answers. Deep, philosophical answers. Namely, this soul wanted to know what was more dope ass for vaginal or anal penetration: the PlayStation Move, or a dildo. When I saw that question sitting unanswered in my Search Engine terms, I was flabbergasted. Why hadn’t I, fan of both dildos and anal play, considered this question for the ages.

I’m going to be honest, I don’t own a PlayStation Move or a dildo. Missing both of them to the detriment of my mortal life. So everything is pure speculation. I don’t know which I’ll own first, or if I’ll ever muster up the bravery to stick the Move into my butt (probably not, I’m scared of the little orb popping off), but should I buy either, I’ll update this space.

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Oh hey, check it out! It’s the PlayStation Move bundle! Well, let’s see what it has. Hm. A lame waggle-remote thing. That still can’t provide me with a masturbation simulation. And a sports game! Archery and shit! Why, this sounds like the same shit that was packaged four years ago! Nintendo Wii, and Wii Sports.

OMFG. If this was bizarro world, I’d be totally stoked right now.

Get it?!

It’s late.

One of the dopest gaming memories I have is Black Friday from 1995. My grandmother took me out shopping for my Christmas present; she lived in Connecticut and was only up for Turkey Day. I browsed the aisles, but I wasn’t fucking around. I wanted Twisted Metal. I took that son of a bitch back home, and giggled all my way to death, destruction, and mayhem. The eerie screams of Sweet Tooth have been haunting me for fifteen fucking years. So the fact that there’s a new Twisted Metal bound for my PS3 has me doing backflips.

via kotaku:

That long rumored Twisted Metal revival from Eat Sleep Play is real and Sony had the multiplayer portion of the game playable at its E3 booth, a vehicular combat game that might offend your sensibilities, but not for its gameplay.

While playing Twisted Metal–that’s the final and straightforward title of the new PS3 game–I ran over dozens of innocent bystanders with my ambulance, aka the Meat Wagon, and launched hospital patients strapped to gurneys, bombs strapped to their chests, at my foes.

It’s been a while since my last Twisted Metal experience, way back to Twisted Metal Black for the PlayStation 2, so coming to grips with the game’s driving and killing controls took a few moments to get used to. But the new game, in which players control factions lead by Twisted Metal mainstays like the insane clown Sweet Tooth and the porcelain faced Dollface, instantly feels familiar.

Twisted Metal for the PlayStation 3 has many of the mechanics from previous entries, with special weapons like lock-on missiles and shotgun blasts scattered around each map. My favorite is the hellfire-like missile that paints a splash damage target on the battlefield just after launch and lets the player choose the moment of impact.

Throw in the fact that there’s going to be 24-player online deathmatch? Holy shit. Let’s party like we don’t got pubes. Shave em and rage, yo!

Fuck Paul Pierce, Uncharted 2 is the truth. I’ve played the game for about three hours this morning. And? Impressions?

First off, Nathan Drake has stunning neck hair. Most dudes know neck hair. It grows way faster than your regular hair. Mine seems to grow at roughly four-times the speed of my regular hair. And so every two weeks I make Pepsibones or my girlfriend shave it off with my Mach 17-Powerglide or whatever my razor happens to be.

Why is it even worth mentioning? The level of detail in Uncharted 2 is stunning. Naughty Dog has paid attention to all the little nuances that make this game absolutely gleam. I mean, seriously, they’ve spent enough time to give Drake neck hair. It isn’t even something I’d even think to incorporate.

Check out the characters in cut scenes. Especially the ones who aren’t speaking. They move their fingers, they shift their weight, their facial expressions are minimal but apparent.

Everything is ridiculously polished, every scene seems to be taken with exceptional care.

And secondly, I am really digging the way they’ve constructed the narrative. They’ve taken the J.J. Abrams’ special and incorporated it into a video game. You know the one I’m talking about – they start the character in the middle of a catastrophe, and then they cut back to the very beginning of the tale. It’s very reminiscent of how ODST was told, but I’m more impressed with its use in this title. Why? I think it’s because the lynch pin of the “current” moment was the faceless Rookie. Whereas in Uncharted 2, it’s a bloodied, destroyed Nathan Drake in the middle of some frozen tundrea.

I think the game begins with Drake saying, “This is my blood. This is lots of my blood.” Immediately I was snagged. Where the fuck is he, how the fuck did he get there, and why is he bleeding profusely.

Thirdly, the dialogue is great. The interaction between Drake and Sully is so generic buddy-adventure, but it’s done so well.

More as I play through this sexy collection of polygons. If you own a PS3 you owe it to your fun glands to snag this title.

Bayonetta is going to be one of those things that I’m not going to stop talking about until I play it. Every week seems to bring another god damn revelation that pushes me towards the brink of both human, and gamer climax. Last week it was a Japanese commercial that featured “Nonstop Climax Action” and a Bayonetta sucking a lollipop. This week? Bayonetta butt cheeks. Butt cheeks are awesome. Seriously. Male and female bums are cool, and the cheeks are a big part of the hotness.

Well, apparently a demo for Bayonetta is out, and it features her and her butt cheeks. Why, you ask? Tell them, Destructoid!

Bayonetta’s magical hair wraps around her body and acts like clothing. The hair is also used in a variety of attacks, able to form fists, boots and huge monsters. The beauty of this system is that every time Bayonetta pulls off a combo, she loses her clothes. The more impressive the move, the more naked she gets. It’s genius on a fiendish level.

Let me break it down for you guys. This is fucking phenomenal.

1. The more ass you kick
2. The more ass you see

This is brilliance.

Time Line:

Sony releases the PS3 Slim.

I say to myself, that’s hot as hell. But Ian, you’re broke and unemployed, you can’t afford it.

Gamestop announces you can get 150$ towards a PS3 Slim if you trade in your old PS3. I begin to waver.

Not Sony shows this FFXII Themes PS3 Slim.

My conviction continually wavers. It’s fucking hot. I generally don’t enjoy Game-Themed consoles. I may, it’s not my Final Fantasy XIII-player. It’s a general console. I know it’s irrational, OCD type shit. And I know I’ll hold strong…despite this. Probably. But if I was ever going to buy a themed console. It’d probably be this. Jesus.

Ah, god bless the shitty motion controls gimmick. I thought it was going to die. I thought that maybe, somehow, people weren’t going to dig it. But now everyone is into it.

And then, somehow, I thought that maybe shitty motion controls remakes would be relegated to the Wii. Stupid Resident Evil 4 with motion controls. The Metroid Prime games re-released with motion controls. I mean, what’s worse than the stupid gimmick that is motion controls? Making some cheap cash off of rehashes with the gimmick smashed into it.

Well guess what, PS3 fans! Apparently you’re going to get to re-buy Resident Evil 5 and Littlebigplanet so you can shake your little wrist to make them uh, do stuff:

Via Kotaku:

Well, we now know what that “Resident Evil 5: Director’s Cut” stuff was all about. It’s a re-release of RE5, built to take advantage of Sony’s upcoming motion controller.

The game will be out in Spring 2010, and it’s far from the only existing PS3 title to take advantage of the new peripheral. During SCEJ’s TGS press conference, Sony’s Shuhei Yoshida revealed that the controller will also work with existing games like LittleBigPlanet, EyePet, Flower, Pain, High Velocity Bowling “and more”.

Sick! More phallus-shaking action! Christ, between jacking off compulsively and now wasting money on shitty motion-based rehashes, I’ll have the wrist of a god! Which is uh, good for nothing.