Nikkei: ‘Wii 2’ Will Have Touchscreen Controller, Arrive In Late 2012.

Nikkei is some legit Japanese news source. That’s what the internet is telling me today. They are some news source who accurately predicted a bunch of DSi crap or something, and today they’re offering some proclamations and confirmations about the Wii 2/Project Cafe/Whatever you want to call Nintendo’s next console.

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Press Start!: Jesus Christ Bribes You, Nintendo Has A New Wii To Play With.

This is Press Start! Welcome one, welcome all. How are you on this fair weekend? I hope you’ve escaped the drudgery momentarily. Tapped out of the 9-5 machinations of our wonderful grindo-culture, for a couple of days. Sip some suds and check out the five things that I dug in gaming this week, and as usual share your own.

This week we have fucking Best Buy wanting to ruin your shopping experience, the Wii 2’s specs dribbling down your chin, a pastor bribing sinners with Nintendos, and more.

Let’s party.


#1: Best Buy Promises To Ruin Your Gaming Experience.
I like shopping for shopping for video games at Best Buy. While I admittedly do most of my video game acquiring whilst sitting in sweaty, dank midnight release lines, whenever I go to Best Buy it’s a welcome change of pace.


Motherfuckers at Gamestop are miserable. All up in my grill, wanting to know if I want to reserve anything. If I want to buy a fucking disc protection warranty. If I want to buy   a strategy guide when the entire universe of the internet can provide the sort of tips and tricks I need.

You don’t get this shit at Best Buy. Or at least you didn’t.

This week it was revealed that Best Buy wants to add all sorts of happy horseshit to their gaming section. They want to add desks and shit where “specialists” will sit and “help us” with our trade-ins, and offer us “exclusive digital content.”

Oh fuck me. Best Buy, be the one place who stays the fuck out of our way. I don’t want to reserve anything unless I say so, and I certainly don’t want to have a warranty on a disc shoved down my throat.

Best Buy: Making Amazon look like a better, and better option.


#2: Church Bribes People With 3DS And Other Electronics.
Here’s an inventive way to get people to go to church on Sunday. Nothing can get people to abandon reason and science in favor of mystic Zombie Walkers better than materialism. I mean, I’ll be fucking goddamned (there’s a pun in there somewhere) if we don’t worship anything like we do our products.  At least one church has finally realized that our lawn and our cars are our only God.

Meet   pastor Eric Dykstra and The Crossing Church. They’re offering $8,000 in electronics as a bribe to drive asses into seats on Sunday. That’s right, if you attend, you’re entered into a fucking lottery to snag a Nintendo 3DS and other bullshit. Praise the lord! Dykstra breaks it down:

“It’s awkward to say ‘hey come to my church.’ It just feels weird and you don’t want to twist somebody’s arm so to kind of alleviate some of that weirdness what we’ve done is said hey if you bring your friend to church they might potentially win a 3D television, a 3DS or a 3D movie ticket package.”

Fair enough, fair enough. Motherfuckers have to be ingenuitive to get people back into the altars. Makes a road trip to Minnesota almost worth it.


#3:  Sega Attempts To Break Our Heart Again With New Sonic Game.
Sonic Generations, welcome to the fucking world! In celebration of Sonic’s 20th Anniversary, Sega has announced yet another crack at the Sonic franchise. Man, Sonic’s 20 years-old. What’s more staggering than that is that there hasn’t been a fucking console Sonic game worth playing for more than half of that. I’m throwing the fucking chips down, Sonic Adventure was the last excellent title for our hedgehog. If you think that game wasn’t excellent, I may even grant you that.

Here comes Sonic Generations though, and it’s a bit of a unique spin. They’re offering classic levels such as Green Hill Zone, but with a twist. You can play through the levels either as classic Sonic, or with a viewpoint that echoes the more modern approach.

Fuck. The modern. Approach.

The ability to whiz through Green Hill zone with sexified graphics just may be enough for me to rock this title. However, more than likely, the game is going to drop, it’s going to get reviews that shitcan it, and I’m going to bemoan the lack of a quality Sonic on my plate.

Sonic 4? Fuck that game. Come on Sonic Team, get this goddamn shit done.

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Here’s A Possible Leaked Image Of Nintendo’s Wii 2.

Nintendo’s successor to the Wii has been rumored to be codenamed “Project Cafe.” Yeah, that’s a bit complicated. Today there’s an image working its way around the internet purporting to be a glimpse at the console/or cafe or whatever.

Hit the jump to check it out.

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Want Some Wii 2 Specs? IGN Got You Covered.

The onslaught of new Nintendo console news is rolling in. Continuously. I’m sort of excited about it though, so please wait it out if you’re not feeling it.

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More Wii 2 Controller Details & Rumors, With Mock-Ups!

There’s a shitload of new Wii 2 controller details, rumors, and purported mock-ups. I know I may be crazy saying this, but holy shit, could this rock?

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Rumor: Wii 2 Has A Touchscreen Controller, Codenamed ‘Project Cafe.’

When it rains Nintendo Wii 2 rumors, it fucking pours. After yesterday’s news that the console is going to be revealed at or before E3, today we get a new crop of rumors. Most interesting is that the controller is going to up the ante in douchebag gimmicky nonsense.

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