This is Press Start! If you don’t know, now you know! The whacky, zany, okay completely retarded and juvenile weekly gaming column. In it!, you’ll find five things that caught my eye this week in the world of killstreaks and waggle dongle wonders.

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#1: Gamestop Buys Impulse. This Shit Is Big.
If you’re a modern minded motherfucker, you know that tangibility is for bitches. You can disagree with it, but it’s inevitable. A forthcoming facticity that can’t be stopped. Sometimes it bums me out, in the dark night as I lay next to my copy of Twilight. Kissing the book, I can tasted Edward! Yet, it’s coming.

Gamestop knows this shit as well. This week they bought Impulse, one of the monolith of PC digital distribution. What the fuck fun is a clunky ass case and game as a reward for leaving your fucking house?, when you can buy that shit online? None. With digital sales driving up and up, Gamestop needs in on that sheezy. They’re twitching, aware they’re being left behind like dinosaurs of a forgotten age. That age being like ten years ago or some shit.

They also bought start-up Spawn Labs, who are up on the streaming video game tip.

I don’t think the motherfuckers can compete with Steam. Perched atop a mountain of money and ruined childrens’ rectums, adrift in crumbs and hate Gabe Newell laughs at them. They have to try though.

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#2: Original Madden Developer Wants Some Cheddar.
Robin Antonick wants some fucking money!, and he wants it from Electronic Arts. Despite the fact that he hasn’t lodged a claim regarding it in twenty years, Antonick wants a chunk of the Madden franchise’s profits. Dude was a contracted developer hired by Trip Hawkins way back in 1986 to work on the original Madden. Apparently working on the game back in 1986 entitles the dude to some money from every iteration until then. Wait, what?

I don’t have my Lawyers Glasses on, the likes of which enable me to purvey the cosmos and inner workings of United States law, but I’m going to go out on a leaf and bet this dude loses his fucking case.

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#3: WWE All-Stars Dropped. I Need This Shit.
I don’t watch wrestling anymore, nor do I play wrestling video games. Even in spite of this shit, I need WWE All-Stars. The game dropped this week, and it has a magical set of attributes. These attributes are responsible for making it one of my most sought-after experiences. The hierarchy goes like this: orgasms, pizza, orgasms, WWE All-Stars, followed by comic books and video games. As currently constituted. Obviously. Ever since it was announced that Macho Man Randy Savage and a litany of old school dudes were going to be available in the title, it was obvious I needed to play it.

There’s few things I want to do more than tool on someone fucking bozos dome with Andre the Giant. The game is straight-up arcade ridiculousness, which is fitting of time when wrestling didn’t take itself seriously. Let me rage in the ring as Macho Man, and put a stink on John Cena, that jorts wearing asshole.

Fucking mental insanity!

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