Press Start!: Kojima Knows Tangibility Is For Bitches.
This is Press Start! If you don’t know, now you know! The whacky, zany, okay completely retarded and juvenile weekly gaming column. In it!, you’ll find five things that caught my eye this week in the world of killstreaks and waggle dongle wonders.
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#1: Gamestop Buys Impulse. This Shit Is Big.
If you’re a modern minded motherfucker, you know that tangibility is for bitches. You can disagree with it, but it’s inevitable. A forthcoming facticity that can’t be stopped. Sometimes it bums me out, in the dark night as I lay next to my copy of Twilight. Kissing the book, I can tasted Edward! Yet, it’s coming.
Gamestop knows this shit as well. This week they bought Impulse, one of the monolith of PC digital distribution. What the fuck fun is a clunky ass case and game as a reward for leaving your fucking house?, when you can buy that shit online? None. With digital sales driving up and up, Gamestop needs in on that sheezy. They’re twitching, aware they’re being left behind like dinosaurs of a forgotten age. That age being like ten years ago or some shit.
They also bought start-up Spawn Labs, who are up on the streaming video game tip.
I don’t think the motherfuckers can compete with Steam. Perched atop a mountain of money and ruined childrens’ rectums, adrift in crumbs and hate Gabe Newell laughs at them. They have to try though.
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#2: Original Madden Developer Wants Some Cheddar.
Robin Antonick wants some fucking money!, and he wants it from Electronic Arts. Despite the fact that he hasn’t lodged a claim regarding it in twenty years, Antonick wants a chunk of the Madden franchise’s profits. Dude was a contracted developer hired by Trip Hawkins way back in 1986 to work on the original Madden. Apparently working on the game back in 1986 entitles the dude to some money from every iteration until then. Wait, what?
I don’t have my Lawyers Glasses on, the likes of which enable me to purvey the cosmos and inner workings of United States law, but I’m going to go out on a leaf and bet this dude loses his fucking case.
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#3: WWE All-Stars Dropped. I Need This Shit.
I don’t watch wrestling anymore, nor do I play wrestling video games. Even in spite of this shit, I need WWE All-Stars. The game dropped this week, and it has a magical set of attributes. These attributes are responsible for making it one of my most sought-after experiences. The hierarchy goes like this: orgasms, pizza, orgasms, WWE All-Stars, followed by comic books and video games. As currently constituted. Obviously. Ever since it was announced that Macho Man Randy Savage and a litany of old school dudes were going to be available in the title, it was obvious I needed to play it.
There’s few things I want to do more than tool on someone fucking bozos dome with Andre the Giant. The game is straight-up arcade ridiculousness, which is fitting of time when wrestling didn’t take itself seriously. Let me rage in the ring as Macho Man, and put a stink on John Cena, that jorts wearing asshole.
Fucking mental insanity!
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#4: Kojima Named VP of Konami Digital Entertainment.
Hideo Kojima, I fucking salute you! After changing my goddamn perspective on gaming with Metal Gear Solid, and blowing my fucking mind-pipes with Metal Gear Solid 2, and then there’s those Zone of the Enders games and shit, you’ve done some immeasurably dope things. This week Konami high-fived the guy too, naming Kojima their new vice president! Interesting. I’m looking forward to whatever this means for the company and him.
Oh shit! Kojima! While I have you, broseph.
Can you have a chat with whoever it was that made Metal Gear Solid 4? Yeah dude, there was a problem with the game. Not only was it even more incomprehensible than the previous games, but the gameplay was clunky as fuck and the cinemas were so long I damn near pissed my pants waiting for Ocelot Wolf or Big Boss lady or whatever to stop telling me how Snake was vat grown on a lab in Mars during the retroapocalypse. Wait, that was actually possible to follow.
Just have a chat with that guy, okay? He’s doing your legacy wrong!
Wink!
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#5: Mind Behind ‘Angry Birds’ Responds To Nintendo’s Trash Talk.
Those fucking thugs that run Nintendo have been running their mouth lately about the state of mobile gaming. In fact, they’ve been coming off like a pack of elitist dickheads. Yeah, I said it! Reggie! Fils-Aime doesn’t take mobile gaming seriously, and views it as somewhat degrading to the gaming scene in general.
Wowzers.
Personally, I find the Nintendo bullshittery that has populated the last five years of their company’s existence as far more degrading to the general scene. Hooks, gimmicks, and bullshit. Goggles-less 3D? A white phallus you wave to perform boring actions? Yeah man, that’s totally not forcing people down a boring pipe.
Peter Vesterback of Rovio recently shoved back against the sentiment emanating out of Nintendo’s camp. A sentiment rife with bluster, but slathered in anxiety. Motherfucking Nintendo is still in the dark ages with their digital distribution, and here is Angry Birds being downloaded onto every goddamn conceivable platform.
I haven’t been stricken by Angry Birds or by mobile gaming in any sense. Be it with phones or with a Nintendo 3DS. That doesn’t mean I think it’s worthwhile to condemn the entire enterprise.
In response to the Nintendo shit talk, Vesterback launched, “If I was trying to sell a $49 piece of plastic to people then yes, I’d be worried too.” Boom! Tangibility! It’s for fucking suckers. Such as I began this list, I shall close it. Circular motions, bookends!…truthfully completely unplanned.
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What caught your eyes this week? Hit me, mortals.