As much as I like my bank account to bathe in its own minuscule juices, I like new gaming consoles even more. So I’m more than ready to embrace the Xbox-Kinect Excelsior-720-AR wunderkind. I have been ready for awhile. If this report is to be believed, I’ve got myself another year to wait. Whatever. What is another year. That’s like 400 days, or something. 3,000 masturbation sessions, or something. I can handle this.

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The Microsoft Leviathan has gobbled up a string of names under the “Xbox 8” umbrella. You can only think maybe they’re going to tea-bag their next console with a title that dove-tails into their upcoming operating software update.

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In the next future, with the Robot Apocalypse approaching, nowhere will be safe for us. As the robots crunch our skulls and drink our blood (they will convert it into a bio-fuel of sorts), we won’t even be able to play one last game of Halo  before the Recknoning. Our own goddamn consoles will be able to identify us, just by us holding our controller.

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Welcome to Press Start!, the weekly column where we blab about the happenings in the world of gaming in the past seven days. It’s done-up as a list, ‘cause motherfuckers love lists. Audience participation is encouraged, so if you see something absent from the list let’s get some dialogue going in the comments section. However as you make your way to the microphone be mindful of the urine-and-tacks filled balloons hanging above. They will punish the spiteful.

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If it isn’t enough that Microsoft is dropping a new  Xbox with sexy new guts next year, they may also be releasing a stripped down version of their console. All next year, close to one another.

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Here’s a rumor upside your head: the next Xbox isn’t going to have a disc drive. Yep. Well, I mean, yep as in that’s the rumor. Do I buy it? Not at all.

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