Press Start: BioWare Eats A League Of Fart Cup Cakes

Welcome to Press Start!, the weekly column where we blab about the happenings in the world of gaming in the past seven days. It’s done-up as a list, ‘cause motherfuckers love lists. Audience participation is encouraged, so if you see something absent from the list let’s get some dialogue going in the comments section. However as you make your way to the microphone be mindful of the urine-and-tacks filled balloons hanging above. They will punish the spiteful.


#1: Take-Two CEO Predicts Death of THQ
Ain’t nothing like one company scratching kitty litter over the fuming remains of another company. This is especially ballsy when the company being buried hasn’t officially bitten the dust yet. It’s the move of a zillionaire with thunderous swag-filled balls. Strauss Zelnick was just the zillionaire CEO to pull off this advance douche technique, doing so when he proclaimed that THQ would be dead within six months.

God damn! Of course THQ responded saying something like “Yeah maybe he said that but he totally doesn’t know what he’s talking about.” What THQ didn’t acknowledge is that the entire gaming community knows the company is bleeding out of its economic rectum with a considerable flow. There’s anal-economic-hemoglobin dripping all over their legs, as they stare into the Abyss with considerable mortification.

I love me some jostling between companies, and this sated my lust. Zelnick eventually backed off, and apologized but c’mon. This is like when I get caught jacking it with toothpaste because it “makes the head feel all tingly” and I try and apologize later on by saying I “honestly misunderstood what I could and couldn’t do with the tube.”

Also impressively brazen: Assassin’s Creed III creative director telling gamers their ideas are boring.

#2: Mega Man Fan Film Spreads Like Wildfire
Another week, another fan film. There is no shortage of them, and this week the gaming scene was dominated by one in particular. Mega Man X is a valiant effort at breaking Capcom’s Blue Bastard into existence. It isn’t the greatest thing in the world, and I’m concerned for Mega Man. In the video the dude is considerably sweaty, and I’m wondering if he doesn’t have the appropriate fluids working through his cooling units. Get that dude a towel.

#3: BioWare Disasterpiece Theater 2012 Continues
BioWare is taking one right off the taint this Spring. They dropped Mass Effect 3 to a collective bowel-emptying scream from the majority of gamers. Even the most softcore of gamers has heard the caterwaul. Ringing off the mountains Since the ending struck the internet and filled the bandwidth of the world with apoplexy, BioWare has come out and said “We’re going to fix this Shit Pile! Stick with us!” Fans didn’t care? They said: eat our fart-covered cup cakes. (C’mon we all know they were ass-smeared.)

This week they dropped a vague explanation of what we could expect from this new ending. It’s going to be an “extended cut”, which doesn’t bode well. It sounds a lot like they’re going to try and explain their way out of the crap-covered bathroom stall that was their conclusion as opposed to giving a new playable segment. Take it from me: rambling on after you’ve already sunk your own battleship never works. It just doesn’t.

I got into a rather impressive attempt at parrying my own stupidity last night when I told my girlfriend she had a fat ass, but that I liked it. It was a genuine attempt at expressing my crotch-groan at her loveliness, but she wasn’t feeling it. I responded “It’s gotten bigger! But you know me! I love big asses!”

It didn’t go well from there.


#4: Final Fantasy Wedding Proposal Wins
If you’re going to go ahead and lease your mortal soul to another for the rest of your life you might as well get the offer out with some style. Seth Hay went the extra mile to land himself a bitty for life, pulling off a Final Fantasy VII themed proposal. It doesn’t stop there! The good lad doubled-down on his inquiry, having the entire thing take place at a “Distant Worlds: Music From Final Fantasy” concert.

As the jam was going down, a screen from FFVII appears and as the dialogue unfurled it became clear there was a marriage proposal afoot. Thankfully for enterprising lad, his better half said yes. Well played, Hay. Here’s hoping you got to buster sword (groan! too easy) all over her Midgar when you got home that night.


#5: Next-Generation Info-Flood Ramps Up
After much murmuring, the next-generation is opening itself up to us. Slowly the dilation is taking place, and not far from now we’ll be able to gaze into the Abyss and see what the future for gaming holds for us. I’m talking legitimate next-generation, too. Not some bridge-ass Wii U tablet-gaming nonsense.

So what we got percolating this week in the next-generation buzz?

There’s a lot of blathering about the PlayStation 4’s processing power. I’m certain this arouses some people. Not me. When I look at the specifics for the PS4 hardware, my eyes begin to glaze over. It all means close to nothing to me. I got left behind back in the PSX days with claims of “32-bit” and shiznit. We have all the big numbers and shit now, and my question is simple: will the boobies bounce with higher fidelity. Will I be able to see the pimples on the areola or not?

(Speaking of gaming titties, check out Cortana from Halo 4. She got some spreaders, yo!)

Then there’s the Next-Box 1080. According to the hype it’s going to rock a Blu-Ray player, a built-in Kinect, and always-on Internet. Listen I’m not Alex Jones or anything, but it is clear the next phase of the Illuminati-New World Order is coming through our Idiot Box machines. You got the Kinect staring at my sperm count measuring my viability as a surrogate creator for the humanoids that’ll plow the gold mines of Mars and transmitting that information courtesy of the always-on internet to Bill Gates and his consortium of Evil.

But do I care? Not at all. Not as long as you fill me with spectacle and give me the soda.


There’s my shit list. What caught your eyes?