Aiight, here’s the deal. Every Wednesday I’m going to pop off on something gaming related under the title of Pixelation. The idea being that any blog sort of barfs up and churns through bullshit. And hells to the yeah!, I’m going to continue doing that. A big part of OL is that I go fucking insane when I see something that excites me, and I love sharing it with my friends. Gaming news, movie trailers, comic books. Whatever. Blah, blah, blah. But it wouldn’t hurt to add some original content. If you call profanity-laden tirades or ejaculations about something in the gaming world original. It may be some sort of bullshit reflection, or keyboard warfare against something that excites me. I can promise you several things: it’ll be stream of consciousness, riddled with spelling errors and profanity, and probably not well thought out. You’ve been forewarned.
Nintendo has done the impossible this E3. They’ve made my cock hard. Like, seriously. Dripping like woah. For the longest time, my Wii has sat in my entertainment center, a kickbitch device that did nothing more than collect dust. Nintendo, sensing the fact that there were a lot of dickfarts like me who were totally okay with not waggling our Wiimotes at bowling games and shit, actually brought games to this E3.
No shit! GTFO! Rly? I was stunned. My Nintendo Wii is more or less my Miyamoto player. Or whoever is directing Super Mario Galaxy and the Zelda franchise at this point. Don’t be a dick, I know I’m uninformed. And too lazy to look that shit up. But since there’s only a Mario game every two years, and Zelda every god-knows-when, the thing sits around waiting to be stroked. At best, over the past couple of years, it’s been the source of near fist-fights between Pepsibones, myself and friends as we rock out to the Gamecube Mario Strikers.
I began losing my shit at the announcement of the new Zelda. I know every time Link takes to whipping Epona and trying to save Zelda’s dumb ass, again, what I’m going to be getting. The same formula plus some mechanics tweak that make the game fucking awesome. That’s a scientific fact. But fuck yeah, I could actually see a time when I would be playing my Wii again. Having just completed Super Mario Galaxy 2, I had laid my sweet Wii to rest. Good buy you little piece of cheap white plastic and gimmickery. I’ll love you. Always.
But Zelda? Ohhhhh shit.
Super fucking dope. But then Nintendo dug deep for their next jimmy tug.
They brought back Donkey Kong. Fucking Donkey Kong.
One of the dopest gaming memories I have is Black Friday from 1995. My grandmother took me out shopping for my Christmas present; she lived in Connecticut and was only up for Turkey Day. I browsed the aisles, but I wasn’t fucking around. I wanted Twisted Metal. I took that son of a bitch back home, and giggled all my way to death, destruction, and mayhem. The eerie screams of Sweet Tooth have been haunting me for fifteen fucking years. So the fact that there’s a new Twisted Metal bound for my PS3 has me doing backflips.
That long rumored Twisted Metal revival from Eat Sleep Play is real and Sony had the multiplayer portion of the game playable at its E3 booth, a vehicular combat game that might offend your sensibilities, but not for its gameplay.
While playing Twisted Metal–that’s the final and straightforward title of the new PS3 game–I ran over dozens of innocent bystanders with my ambulance, aka the Meat Wagon, and launched hospital patients strapped to gurneys, bombs strapped to their chests, at my foes.
It’s been a while since my last Twisted Metal experience, way back to Twisted Metal Black for the PlayStation 2, so coming to grips with the game’s driving and killing controls took a few moments to get used to. But the new game, in which players control factions lead by Twisted Metal mainstays like the insane clown Sweet Tooth and the porcelain faced Dollface, instantly feels familiar.
Twisted Metal for the PlayStation 3 has many of the mechanics from previous entries, with special weapons like lock-on missiles and shotgun blasts scattered around each map. My favorite is the hellfire-like missile that paints a splash damage target on the battlefield just after launch and lets the player choose the moment of impact.
Throw in the fact that there’s going to be 24-player online deathmatch? Holy shit. Let’s party like we don’t got pubes. Shave em and rage, yo!
Totally fucking stoked for Zelda: Skyward Sword? Say word, me too! How about a fucking trailer up in your guts to get your juices flowing even moreso? Yeah, you totally are feigning for that shit. Hit the jump and get ready to rock the fuck out.
Donkey Kong Country is coming back this year. Fuck to the yes! And not only that, but they’ve got their heads out of their asses (I don’t know who they are), and they’re taking it sidescrolling. Just like this son of a bitch was meant to be. And Retro Studios, the peeps behind the Metroid games are rocking it? Oh good lord, I’m going to blast a barrel of banana juice.
Fuck yeah! I knew that my Nintendo Zelda and Mario Player would eventually give way to a new Zelda game for me to play.
NIntendo’s Shigeru Miyamoto demonstrated the game, showing a control scheme using the Wiimote and Nunchuk as Link’s sword and shield.
The game takes advantage of Nintendo’s Wii MotionPlus Wii Remote add-on. Players use the A and B buttons on the Wii Remote, and the C and Z buttons on the Nunchuk. Realistic motion control action take care of the rest. So, for example, target enemies with Z, and swing at any angle to slice and dice.
When players hold Link’s sword up to the sky, players can charge it up with solar energy and then throw sun beams at enemies – hence, the game title of Skyward Sword.
In the game’s HUD, the Wii Remote appears, telling players how to use items, check the map and swing the sword. To use the slingshot, players aim the Wii Remote and tap the A button to shoot.
The game appears more realistic and in that way in the same vein as previously Wii Zelda title Twilight Princess; however, the game is lighter and more vibrant.
To use the in-game bombs, tap the B button and raise the Wii Remote to throw.
The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword is slated for a 2011 release.
Hell to the fucking yes, yo. I am so sold. Having just finished Super Mario Galaxy 2, I was wondering how many months would it be until I actually booted up my Wii again. Apparently in 2011, for Zelda. And I’m cool with that.
This is all you need to know about Bulletstorm. You shoot the fucking shit out of shit. You swear a lot. There’s fucking hilarious (intentionally) cheesy action movie lines like “I predict an imminent detonation…”, ” I predict an imminent getting the fuck out of here!” and “Last train out of explosion town!” You shoot more dudes. You rack up insane arcadey combos. You have fucking sweet fucking weapons. You shoot more shit. I think the main character is voiced by Spike Spiegel’s voice actor. Who also did 7-Eleven ads, which is double fucking win. Hit the jump, watch the trailer, sorry about your genitals.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT AT THIS METAL GEAR SOLID: RISING TRAILER. Man, god damn Kojima. Just when I thought I could finally dismiss him and MGS as bizarre games as something I’d appreciate but never really get into, this fucking trailer came out. Let me get this straight, I’m going to get to control Raiden as he hacks, slashes, and generally destroys everything in his fucking path? Yes. Yes, yes, yes! I mean, maybe the three-hour cut scenes will be more bearable if at the end of it, I’m doing some straight-up robo-suit ninja-sword killing. I’m fucking sold, again. Fucking Kojima. Hit the jump for the trailer. NINJA TIME.
If you’re like me, and you think that while Natal/Kinect is visually another sexy object, it is lame as fuck, the name sucks, and you generally abhor the direction of motion controls, then you’re going to love the Microsoft tagline. Or barf everywhere, laughing at the misdirection.
No learning curves.
you are the controller.
Really? Holy fucking shit. Fantastic. Reminds me of something out of Max Barry’s Syrup.
The E3 2010 hype continues, this time in the form of a Fallout: New Vegas trailer with old-ass music, wastelands, and ridiculously gorgeous gameplay. I’m ready, ready like woah for this game. I’ve already begun building a replica bunker from which I shall play the game. I will only leave it every thirty-six hours to scowl at the sky, and feel sun accentuating the sores and gunk-filth coating my unwashed, withering body. Are you in on this commitment to the game with me? Hit the jump for the gorgeous trailer.