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I cannot wait to whup ass in Dishonored 2 as Emily Kaldwin.

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Dishonored was a sneaky good game, one that I enjoyed and I’ve sort of forgotten about since. With Mass Effect 4 getting pushed back out of this year, I’ve been wondering what I’m going to play this early Winter. Sure, there’s Infinite Warfare, and (maybe) FF XV in September. But what else? Why, now I have an answer! Dishonored!

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It’s after this holiest of holy weekends that I like to give thanks to the lord baby Jesus for giving us the gift of video games, for introducing the concept of extra lives and, most importantly, dying for our sins so that we are all able to wallow in our own filth whilst we gaze into the screen for an entire weekend, shoveling poultry and confectionery down our unrelenting gullets.

Thank you, Jesus.

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The Multiverse is tired, man. It’s been kicking it around for like, billions or something. Billions of years. Across an infinite amount of realities. During that duration, it has seen some shit. Some yokel Farm Boy wielding Voodoo Mind Powers blowing up a giant mechanical star. A creepy Wizard hanging out with a bunch of little midgets who hug each other a lot while fingering this really creepy vaginal symbol. Dinosaurs. Computer-generated realities that serve as prisons for Meat Sacs while they power Robotic Boners. All of them have come to pass.

Here in our little morsel of the Multiverse, the lot of us lead banal but enjoyable lives. Hugging friends, drinking oak sodas, arguing about meaningless things. We feign importance because in reality we’re monkeys covered in our own seminal fluid and killing one another over Space Gods and illusory physical boundaries. Eh, what can you do. Here on Monday Morning Commute, us Monkey Monsters of the Multiverse share the various things that are getting us through yet another infinitesimal moment in the Infinite.

It’s a little batch of nothing, but Christ if it ain’t all we got.

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Some weeks I find myself gazing in despair at my computer screen: desperately hoping that I’ll find enough interesting stories to write Press Start. Some weeks I fail and I resign myself to self-abuse and comfort eating. Not this week, though. This week, being another full of shitty non-news, I thought I’d present you with an alternative.

So here it is: Press Start II:Championship Edition.

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Hello friends. Welcome to the jamboree. Lately the status quo on Spaceship Omega has been a blinking red sign that reads “busy, busy, busy, busy, busy.” Rendar has gotten himself embroiled in a class-action lawsuit against McDonald’s. Something about dipping his testicles in hot coffee that wasn’t hot enough, didn’t leave scars large enough, I’m not sure. He pulled down his pants and I turned away when I began to see the boils and then I started screaming.

And me?

I’ve been chugging along, writing my thesis for my Master’s Program. All along the oblivion known as the “Real World” has been staring me in the eyes, rubbing its belly and chuckling manically. We are going to have to tussle very, very soon. Throw thirty+ hours of tutoring on top of that, and whelp…let’s just say the Spaceship has been on auto-pilot. None the less! With all this busyness, we could all use some escape.

This is Monday Morning Commute, the column where we spout off the various arts and crafts keeping us from stabbing ourselves during the grind of the 9-5. The following are my jams.

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Nope, no Skyrim  DLC. That wasn’t what Bethesda was teasing. It’s the trailer for their stealth game Dishonored. The trailer itself is over four minutes long, filling the screen with imagery that  gives the game a vibe as if it was the gurgling lovechild of a BioShock  and Assassin’s Creed  drug-fueled orgy. No actual gameplay though, which is a shame.

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