One of the dopest things about the Mass Effect universe, and there are numerous points of dopeness, is that it is a sustained universe across installments. Shit you do in the original game affected the universe of the second, and all the decisions from the first two will once again alter the landscape of your individual Mass Effect 3 experience. After awhile, all the various variables have to add up, right? Yeah dude, they’re adding up like woah. Mass Effect 3 is going to have to consider 1,000+ variables.

Good god damn.

Destructoid:

If you’ve been Mass Effecting since the beginning, you’ll know that your path is totally different from the next guy’s, and that your decisions continue to affect situations into the next game. And now into the third game, Mass Effect 3. Bioware says that gamers will see their stories continue, and that things are getting a little crazy now with over 1,000 story variations lined up.

“Numerically, it’s over 1,000 variables that we’ll have access to for shaping the Mass Effect 3 experience for people who’ve played the previous games,” Bioware’s Casey Hudson told PC Zone magazine.

God bless those coding-type wizard-people who work at BioWare. I can’t even account for marginal Algebra II. But I tip my cap to ya’ll. It’s great being able to see a universe that I’ve sculpted continue through an entire series. From douchebags that I’ve chosen to kill, to my own customized appearance, it’s enjoyable like wut.

So yeah, get coding. Slackers.

BioWare has announced the next Mass Effect 2 DLC: Lair of the Shadow Broker, dropping uh, sometime. Apparently the DLC takes place in response to a bunch of hogwash bullshit that took place during Mass Effect 2 that we never saw. But was in a comic book.

Uh?

Isn’t like, some of this essential narrative information?

via kotaku:

After Shepard died in the beginning of Mass Effect 2, his blue-skinned friend Liara T’Soni fought a desperate battle to recover his body from the mysterious Shadow Broker. Now it’s time to settle the score.

Detailed in the Mass Effect 2 comic book series from Dark Horse, Liara went through hell to recover Commander Shepard’s remains from the mysterious information broker known as the Shadow Broker, delivering them to Cerberus, where our hero was eventually reconstituted.

Good god damn. I hate it when important plot points are used as selling points for various cross-merchandising. I would have liked to thank Miss Sexy Blue Skin for her efforts when I met her in one of my nineteen playthroughs of Mass Effect 2 for, you know, capturing my body and bringing it to get revived. Only fuggin’ Bioware didn’t let me know of this, because I didn’t read a comic.

Whatever.

In this DLC, you’ll be teaming up with Liara to storm the Shadow Broker and lay some whup down on his ass. Good. This douche has been a serious pain in Shepard’s ass since he double-crossed Tali back in the original. Let’s do this.

Holy fucking shit! I’m still getting people joining in my spanking to Mass Effect 2’s Yeoman Chambers, and next week they may be announcing the final installment in the trilogy? Rly? Srsly? This game is only fucking six months old! I’m not complaining though! I’m feelin’ you, bros! How do we know all this? Why, one handy-dandy leaked FLOOR PLAN:

[via kotaku]

Fuggin’ jawesome, ya’ll. Mass Effect 3 being premiere while my buttlust for the sequel still seeps.

I love me some Mass Effect. And while I don’t think there’s anything in the cards for a Mass Effect MMO (as of yet, mind you), the idea of being able to romp around with fellow space-nerd-cadets in the Mass Effect universe makes me tingly and grin like a fucking asshole.

via kotaku:

A job listing reveals that Mass Effect developer BioWare Montreal is looking for a multiplayer programmer to “take existing single player user experiences and make them multiplayer safe.” Is Mass Effect going multiplayer?

…

“Multiplayer Programmers ensure the game engine and game systems work reliably and efficiently in a multiplayer environment. They work with both the front and back ends to take existing single player user experiences and make them multiplayer safe.”

…

It’s no confirmation, but then what else is BioWare working on that would require a multiplayer programmer? Right now they’ve got Dragon Age, Star Wars: The Old Republic, and Mass Effect, and the job posting singles out Mass Effect.

No confirmation, but it certainly suggests something in the works, no? Righteous. Most righteous.

Oh fuck yes! A game that is based off of some of my favorite Sci-Fi bullshit such as Star Wars and Battlestar Galactica is getting its own movie. Fucking party!

via slashfilm:

Legendary Pictures has picked up the rights to the BioWare game   series Mass Effect. I Am Legend and Thor screenwriter Mark Protosevich has been assigned to write.

THR   says that Avi and Ari Arad will produce with Thomas Tull and Jon Jashni from Legendary. The project is early in development; Warner Bros. would co-finance and distribute worldwide.

This is redonkulously awesome news for a nerd like me. Jesus Christ, lord, don’t let this suck. The potential for rock is great when adapting this son of a bitch. Unfortunately, the potential for suck is probably just as great, if not superior. A favorite game of mine based off of favorite movies of mine is getting its own film? The cycle is now complete.

The Mass Effect 2 DLC has been pretty mediocre. I haven’t even finished Kasumi’s Stolen Memory. But fuck me, yes I’m going to buy this:

via G4:

When sent to investigate a Cerberus research base that’s mysteriously gone silent, Shepard arrives to find Geth overrunning the base. The sole survivor, Chief Scientist Archer, paints a dire picture: an experiment to fuse a human volunteer with a virtual intelligence created a dangerous hybrid “VI overlord”. The rampaging VI has already attacked three other Cerberus bases, controlling any technology it finds in an attempt to break free—and unleashing Geth across the planet. Unless Shepard can infiltrate the VI’s fortress and shut it down, this homicidal intelligence will beam itself-off planet and wreak havoc on other systems.

Sounds good. Will probably be meh. I’ll spend the money anyways. I’m part of the problem.

For months I’ve been trying to get into Yeoman Chamber’s pants. Like, I really wanted to. I’ve spent all of my effort and suave nature trying to convince her to make the mistake of a lifetime.

And today I found out why. BioWare is a bunch of pussies, and don’t allow same-sex romances.

I stumbled across a ballin’ article today over at Kotaku in which the writer asked why same-sex bangings couldn’t happen to the Czar of Douchery or whatever over at BioWare. The response was something like “Blah blah blah, non-answer, blah blah, we’re pussies.”

First:
I can understand where they’re coming from. Sort of.

It makes complete sense that BioWare wants to market Mass Effect 2 to the greatest and most totally largest market imaginable. And having tons of dongs rubbing dongs and vaginas grinding vaginas would probably scare people away.

I mean, for me? It would have sold a second copy for me. Dongs rubbing dongs? I’m fucking in, man. But for all the homophobes, bible-fuckers, and toothless goobers out there that yesterday jerked off to their crucifix, it would have been an instant non-sale.

I think?

Read the rest of this entry »

I’m a total loser, and the reason that DLC pricing is broken. You see, if it’s something I’m obsessed with, I’ll pay anything for it.

Via IGN / Pointed Out to me through my friend Chris.

BioWare has revealed the price of the Stolen Memory downloadable content pack for Mass Effect 2. Whether your a Cerberus Network member or not, fans will have to pony up 560 Microsoft points on Xbox LIVE, or 560 BioWare points ($7) for PC.

First revealed earlier this month during the Game Developers Conference, the Stolen Memory pack contains an all-new playable character, Kasumi Goto, a master thief. New missions will also be available. BioWare says you’ll be able to access the content at any point in the game and will take about an hour and a half to complete.

Seven bucks for an hour and a half of content is a bit much, but I don’t care. Seven bucks for an hour and a half of content and a new character seems a little better, but I still don’t care. Hit it, Kool-Aid Man!

[Search Engine Terms come from an app in the Word Press dashboard. It tells you the terms that people are using in google to lead to your site. Most of ours are ultra depraved and horrible. And amusing to sick people like me.]

Ah, someone suffering from the same plight as me. It seems that everyone who has played through Mass Effect 2 has arrived at the same conclusion: Yeoman Kelly is absolutely gorgeous, cute, not real but that’s okay, intelligent, and I need to bang her.

Well, everything that is worth attaining must be earned. And Yeoman Kelly’s moist goodness is just the same. Stick with it good friend, you’ll pull it off yet. Not that I have, I need to play through the title one more time. Chick hasn’t even made it out of my playthroughs alive yet.

And worst comes to worst, you can settle for sleeping with Jacob. I did.

More shit is barfing up about the first paid Mass Effect 2 DLC, Kasumi’s Memory.

First off, would you believe it, the female character is hot? I know, right? Totally a shocker. Apparently in the Mass Effect universe, everyone is gorgeous looking, or at least in great shape. It doesn’t matter if you’re a politician, an archealogist, or a soldier, you’re fucking hot. You got abs like what, and dumps like a truck.

Secondly, the shit teases our e-dongs with hints of Earth again.

Take it away Kotaku, you beautiful fuck!

This DLC is Mass Effect’s ode to James Bond. It is an undercover slip into a formal-attire-required party at the estate of the shady Donovan Hock, mixed with a bit of schmoozing, a safe that needs cracking and then gunfire. There is a vault in this 90-minute level. It contains statues of familiar characters and two of the most popular statues from Earth: Michelangelo’s David and the Statue of Liberty.

Oh shiznit! Some vault has the fucking Statue of Liberty? I assume they’ve been saving Earth’s fate for the final installment of their first trilogy, but I’m assuming that nothing good has become of it.

And I fucking love vaults with hidden treasure, don’t you? Uncle Scrooge in Duck Tales was always my hero, because the dude could swim in gold coins. Every good universe needs some vault with awesome artifacts to be plundered by Nicholas Cage. Seriously.

I go ape shit for anything Mass Effect, and for those of you who don’t dig the universe, I’m probably driving you crazy. So to entertain you, and make this post worthwhile, I’d like to offer you something awesome: