Press Start II: Championship Edition.
Some weeks I find myself gazing in despair at my computer screen: desperately hoping that I’ll find enough interesting stories to write Press Start. Some weeks I fail and I resign myself to self-abuse and comfort eating. Not this week, though. This week, being another full of shitty non-news, I thought I’d present you with an alternative.
So here it is: Press Start II:Championship Edition.
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XBOX 720: Details spilled in XBOX WORLD. If so, I’m sprung with tech-lust.
I could say I understand the jist of these new details, but I’m just like “oh shit new Xbox details. I don’t understand them with my fat brain, but I know I want it.” Do you understand these details? Are you excited like me? It’s a cucumber in my pants, chill out.
Custom ‘CAPTAIN MARVEL’ Adidas sneakers are frakin’ outstanding.
Goddamn. I love me some new Carol Danvers apparel, so I’m writhing all over these custom shoes. They were did up by none other than her redesigner, Jamie McKelvie.
$1.5 MILLION in iPad Minis stolen at JFK International Airport.
Ooph! A serious amount of iPad Minis were tots ninja’d from JFK International Airport. Some enterprising motherfuckers managed to gank 3,600 units of that hot little tech fetish, and are still at large. Make that guap, boys and girls.
EPISODE VII: Carrie Fisher confirms she’s in, Billy Dee Williams sounds off, LOKI and DOCTOR WHO want in.
It’s another day. That means we have more Episode VII news. Boom! Upside your head. What do you make of all these comments? Let me hear it.
‘TWINS’ sequel with Arnold Schwarzenegger, Danny DeVito and…Eddie Murphy will exist.
I don’t think I can enjoy anything with Arnold in it, ever since I saw his balls that one day at the beach. Big, ripped, furious veins all over his scrotum, swirling like runes that foretold the fall of man. Plus, even if I could, it certainly wouldn’t be this movie.
Hostess closing, TWINKIES could cease to exist. DARKEST TIMELINE.
No, no, no. No, no, no! What the fresh hell is this nonsense. Hostess is like, billions of dollars in debt. Okay, sure. Sucks. Due to this, them people have to shut down, and dammit, folks. Dammit. They may be taking our Twinkies with them. This aggression will not stand. Probably because its been eating Twinkies its entire life, and its legs cannot support its weight.
‘WALKING DEAD’ #1 goes for $10,000 on eBay. Oh, you choads.
My initial reaction is that any asshole who pays $10,000 for a comic book, let alone Walking Dead #1 is a dink of the highest order. But then my brain is all like, “Dude, what if they have the money to spare and they rightly assume they can flip it for a higher price down the road?” My bipolar brain wrangles with itself for a bit, I take a swig of Dew, and forget the entire quandary.
Router software could boost public WI-FI by 700%. G’damn!
Hack dat software, make dem changes! A change in router software can apparently amp the living tits out of public wi-fi. So when I’m skulking around in the alleyways near Starbucks riding their access for downloading porn and Taylor Swift albums, I can download things more betterer.
