Sega is dropping Sonic 4 on our asses this year. It’s a whole bit of trippy. For starters, it’s going to be released episodically. And they’re calling it Sonic 4, despite the fact that since Sonic & Knuckles came out sixteen years ago…

…Wait a second, Sonic & Knuckles came out sixteen years ago? Holy fucking shit. That sucks. What the fuck is going on? 1994 was that long ago? Jesus Christ. It feels like just yesterday I was rubbing my boner confusedly on my bedroom floor while staring at Mileena’s tits in my Mortal Kombat II strategy guide.

And now? Now I’m doing the same fucking thing and I have nothing to show for it!

But yeah, since then, they’ve released a zillion games. From Sonic Adventure to Sonic And A Pack of Douchebags to Sonic The Werewolf Asshole, they’ve all missed the mark. So they’re stripping the game down to what we’ve only wanted for the past decade and a half. We want to run really fucking fast, through loops, in a 2D side-scroller.

And now we can.

Check out the video to either:

1. Feel old as shit, or
2. Be too young to appreciate it, and be like, what the fuck is a Sonic the Hedgehog?

[Variant Covers is a column every Tuesday that breaks down the various titles coming out that week in the world of blind assassins and zombies.]

Daredevil #505

Daredevil’s my favorite book dropping right now, and it has been for a while. It doesn’t have the sensational bullshit of everything that interconnects with Siege, or Dark Reign, or Dark Siege, or Reigning Blood or whatever the epic event of the moment is called. And no, it doesn’t even have Jennifer Garner, or Ben Affleck in it. So what the fuck, I know. It’s a title brimming with nothing! Not even a Deadpool appearance! But the shit is excellent, and you should be reading it. Matt fucking Murdock is straight-up running The Hand these days. And if they weren’t a bunch of bad-ass assassins before, they look even more ballin’ with devil horns affixed to their ninja masks of awesomeness these days.

But the real reason that I enjoy Daredevil so much is that it doesn’t resort to status-quo restorations every nine months. Shit has been swirling around the toilet for years now in the life of Matty. He’s gone from an outlaw, to on trial, to a prisoner, to watching his wife go insane. Maybe I should be glad that Daredevil doesn’t pump any insane numbers in the sales department, or they would be way more careful with the title. Even the appearances by H.A.M.M.E.R or Norman Osborn feel less forced, and more in sync with the actual universe.

Our boy Murdock takes to Japan this month to solidify his grasp on The Hand through one of their international branches. Though, I suppose calling Japan the international branch of a league of ninjas probably doesn’t make that much sense. I’m waiting for the whole trying to run a league of assassins thing to go south for the ole’ Devil. It seems like a magnificently shitty idea to think he can run a squad of undead ninja-guy-things, especially since he doesn’t have the heart of coal it requires. Emo Kid Peter Parker should check out Murdock’s life next time he thinks he has it rough, he’d be in the corner listening to Taking Back Sunday and cutting himself if he had to deal with half the bullshit Murdock did.

Other shit coming out in the Marvel Universe? Uhhh. There’s Deadpool: Merc With A Mouth, which is one of the seven-thousand Deadpool titles at the moment. Then there’s a new issue of Uncanny X-Men, the events of which I have no idea about, and cannot understand. They need a jumping on point for that title, because every time I try to buy an issue I feel like I walked into some bizarre world where nothing makes sense, Magneto is back from the dead again, and Emma Frost is a bad guy/good guy/bad guy/good guy for reasons unknown.

Zombies Of Mass Destruction #6

There’s a comic book called Zombies of Mass Destruction. Either you’re sold, or you’re not. I’m not, but I can imagine a lot of people do cartwheels over anything zombie. Are they played out, yet? I mean, are they even scary anymore? I wonder if when the eventual and unpreventable Zombie Apocalypse occurs, we’ll all be so blase about the walking dead, and that will be our undoing.

Oh it’s just a zombie.

And we’ll forget that the zombie is intent on eating our soul and munching on our brains, and that’s how they’ll take us down. Yes, the zombies will finish us off the same way everything else does in life; they will take advantage of our apathy. We’ll be trying to watch Monster Truckers Crush Skulls or something on Spike TV when they just walk into our houses as we stare at the idiot box and eat us.

I called it here first.

Green Lantern #51

Hey kids, are you like me? Are you reading Blackest Night, and trying to enjoy it? Well, let me suggest something to you then: buy all the bullshit tie-in titles! My biggest complaint with Blackest Night is that they’ve turned reading the fifteen Green Lantern titles into a necessity. I call hogwash on this bullshit. For example: I was talking to my friend Charlie about Blackest Night, and he was all, yeah, I can’t believe they killed off Kyle Rayner. And I was like, huh? When the fuck did this happen?

Oh, only in Green Lantern Magicorps Redux (Blackest Night Tie-In)! What the fuck is this bullshit? You mean I’m plunking down $4 for some fucking epic event, only to have deaths and shit thrown about in the tie-ins? This isn’t fucking Solovar, this is fucking Kyle Rayner! Motherfuckers.

So trust me, if you want to have any idea what’s going in only the biggest event in the DC Universe right now, you better pick up this week’s Green Lantern. Otherwise you’ll be like me, a confused asshole who lives in their parents’ basement. Don’t believe me? Check out the solicitation:

The most epic battle in BLACKEST NIGHT yet comes to a shocking conclusion as Hal Jordan makes the ultimate move to take on the Black Lantern Spectre.

So…the most epic battle of Blackest Night takes place…in Green Lantern? If you say so! You fucks.

There’s also a bunch of other BLACKEST NIGHT tie-ins you totally should/should not pick up depending on your principals. There’s Blackest Night: Flash, where Barry Allen probably dies, and Green Lantern Corps, which is sure to have some epic event that unfolds, like maybe Kyle Rayner fuses with Lex Luthor and they both ride Metallo out of Earth Prime or some shit. Just to make you feel fucked if you only read the main Blackest Night title.

It’s one of the eternal debates: what fat bastard was   the coolest fat bastard of the WWF? I got to thinking about it yesterday, and it’s been difficult to pick a side. I mean, Yokozuna was awesome. But then there was Earthquake. Earthquake was like the hillbilly version of Yokozuna. He was just as fat, except he had a sweet ass skullet and lightning bolts on his uniform.

Both of their finishing moves were the typical Fat Bastard finishing move: they squished you with their stunning ass. Like, literally, their ass stunned you. After they were done with you, you were a paralyzed mush of humanity. Can you even imagine what lurks in the crevices of Earthquake’s fatty leg rolls? Sweet Jesus Christ. There’s got to be dingleberries, little flecks of shit, half a roll of toilet paper, dried semen, a buffalo wing, a remote control for his VCR, and a litter of now-dead, but previously-cute kittens.

If I had to chose, I’m going Earthquake. His aforementioned skullet would seal the deal by itself, but he also has a sick plumage of chest hair, and when he teamed up with Tugboat to form the Natural Disasters, it was an alliance the likes of which we may never see again. It was actually the threat of the USA deploying them into Pinko Russian that brought down the Berlin Wall. It’s true, look it up on the internet.

Yo, cheer up Sawyer! I’m sorry, you let me down, but I still love you, okay?

I’ve had a week to stew about the steaming pile of shit that was last week’s episode of LOST. It may have not been the worst one ever; there were no golf courses made or anything of that banality. But I mean, a typical “Nothing Happens in LOST” episode in the middle of the final season? An episode centered around the Freckled Whore? Jesus. Forty-plus minutes of her trying to get into Sawyer’s pants after his would-be fiance died, and giving birthing tips to that Australian chick. Youch!

I’m over it though, I’m over it. I’m excited to see you again. I’m not going to lie, I thought about you all week. So, tell you what, let’s just put this shit down as Water Under the Bridge, and try and enjoy ourselves tomorrow night, okay?

Oh shit yeah! What the fuck is up, ya’ll! Happy President’s Day! For those outside the Empire, it’s basically a meaningless holiday. Like every other holiday, we Americans just use it as an excuse to draw people into centers of merchandise through the allure of sales based on the holiday. It’s pretty cool though, because I just bought myself a replica of Peter North’s cock. JK! Though, I’m actually impressed but not shocked that one exists. I wrote the previous sentence without verifying that it was real.

Oh, internet, you never ever fail me!

Monday Morning Commute. Every Monday I’m going to detail the various things I’m either currently or will be watching, reading, playing, and listening to in the next seven days. It’s Monday. You’ve got a long week of school, work, or compulsive masturbation to get through. Tell me the arts that you’re indulging in, to stave off suicide.

Watching / The Hurt Locker

It’s worth nothing that The Hurt Locker is one of my favorite movies in a long fucking time. I watched it a couple of weeks ago, and I haven’t been able to get it out of my mind since. If you’re like me, and didn’t get to see it in the theaters because you’re an idiot and only see pop-slop explosion movies, go rent this shit. It’s value lies primarily in the tension that permeates the entire movie. Do you remember how intense The Dark Knight was when they were transporting Dent? The entire movie is the same sort of white-knuckle insanity.

Underlying it all is an examination of the toll of having your life on the line everyday while in the army, and the value you begin to place on various things due to it.

Also? It’s got impressive explosions.

Reading / Infoquake, David Louis Edelman

I’ve been wanting to read Infoquake like woah since I came across a review of it at Mishka Bloglin. The reviewer sold me with:

This book is equal parts Liberation: and Snow Crash. With maybe a slight dash of Neuromancer. Maybe.

I’m a sucker for cyberpunk, post-cyberfunk, and anything that is an off-shoot or derivative of said genres. Also, Snow Crash is one of my favorite books of all time, so the aforementioned quote translates to something like “If you like your favorite things, you’ll like it.”

After being pissed off that I couldn’t find it at Barnes and Noble, I manned up and ordered it through their website. While I wanted to spurn their asses for not carrying quality books in their stores, I recalled that I won a gift card for B&N in a vicious game of Yankee Swap back on Christmas Day. Yeah, fuck you and your Patriots’ t-shirt, I want the book fake-money! Now to be outdone, I expedited that shit! It’ll be here soon, and I plan on pushing anything I was intending to read off to the side until I rip through it with the ferocity of an unhappy Ares.

Playing / Bioshock 2

It’s taking every fiber of self-discipline I have to not buy Bioshock 2. Like, seriously. Self-discipline is up there with Not Leaving Crumbs as two of the skills I will probably never master. And usually, the two collide. Like, when I eat an entire box of Chez-Its while drifting off to sleep in my bed as I watch NHL On The Fly. Then I wake up covered in crumbs, and I contemplate the fact that I’m never going to be able to get away with this the day My Beautiful But OCD Girlfriend lets me into her home.

So, self-discipline? Yeah, I don’t know how I’m pulling it off. Bioshock is one of my favorite games of the decade, and its sequel is just sitting on shelves asking me to consume it. I don’t think a sequel was needed, and that is one of the things I keep repeating to myself when I stare longingly through the glass at it in Target. That, and I have fourteen games I haven’t finished yet.

I know myself though, and I know that by the entire of the week I’ll be rapturously within Rapture. It’s only a matter of time.

—

What are you guys up to this week?

Here’s the thing. Despite some of my disappointment regarding Mass Effect 2, I am woefully addicted to it. And here’s another thing, I’m a fucking asshole. So when I heard that you could get DLC for Mass Effect 2 from cups at 7-Eleven, I knew I had to buy them. It was some team-up with Dr. Pepper, or something, or something. I have no idea. They’re just shitty helmets or something, but it didn’t matter. Because I’m an asshole. And the worst part is, I am so against getting nickle and dimed like this, and yet I give into it.

There’s a code per cup, and I needed like, obviously, all of them. I contemplated triple-stacking a cup, and passing it off as one Double Gulp of the Diet Pepsi. You know, Lil’ Wayne style, screwed-up on two-cups. But then the better, God-fearing side of me kicked in. I walked up to the counter and I asked the guy, can I buy a cup? He nodded his head and smiled. For some reason, I tried to explain to him why I was an asshole.

Yeah, I play this video game [not explaining what game] and they’ve got codes.

He smiled. I’m sure he had no idea what he was talking about. I left the store victorious.

I’m an asshole.

Happy Valentine’s Day

Don’t give me the standard “Uggh, Valentine’s Day, it’s completely made-up” argument. Yeah, it’s completely fabricated. As is every holiday (Wha? Jesus wasn’t born in snow-covered manger on December 25^th?!?).

If you’ve managed to fool someone into loving you, spend some time with `em today. If you don’t have anyone special in your life, go find someone.

And if you’re going to sit inside sulking all day, at least eat a heart-shaped box of chocolates. The shape makes the candy taste better (it’s been proven – by science).

To get you in the mood, a love song:

Laid back Saturday afternoon music by General Patton and the Bunglers. Hit the jump to rot your mind.

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FRIDAY! FRIDAY! FRIDAY!

BEER! BEER! BEER!

TONIGHT WE DRINK AWAY THE HOLLOW NIGHTMARE, THE LINGERING WORK-WEEK GHOSTS! THE CONJURED DEMONS OF SOCIETY CRUMBLE AND DECAY UNDER DURESS OF THE FERMENTED NECTAR! THIS. IS. BREW REVIEW!!!

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