There’s not much to say. Apparently Darren Aronofsky has been speaking to Christopher Nolan about directing the new Superman flick. Rumor? Probably. Not going to happen? Probably? If it did? My cockhead would engorge to the point where it would rocket off, spinning around the ceiling of my room before finally falling back to Earth.

It’s an odd fit, since every Aronofsky flick makes me want to kill myself after finishing it. Well, except for The Fountain, which just made me feel like I was back in Intro to Philosophy. But whatever. I love the son of a bitch, and Black Swan is my most sweated movie this fall, outside of the Social Network.   So even if it’s a departure from his usual dark and gloomy misery-fests, I want to see this shit come to fruition.

Let’s get it done! C’mon, Aronofsky. Do this flick and then you can go and make your next film about a heroin addicted homosexual Dad with AIDS and cancer who is trying to reconcile with his lost baby tiger who he raised from an infant or something. Something nice and depressing. Just do this first. Please.

Last week, the United Nations finally stepped and recognized the obvious: extraterrestrials were going to, at some point, arrive and obliterate us. In order to work against this formality, they did humankind the favor of appointing an official United Nations ambassador to aliens. Her name is Mazlan Othman, and she is a Malaysian astrophysicist. Othman recently spoke about the obvious and forthcoming contact with more-than-likely pissed off aliens, and had the following to say.

News.com.au via io9:

The continued search for extraterrestrial communication, by several entities, sustains the hope that some day humankind will receive signals from extraterrestrials […] When we do, we should have in place a coordinated response that takes into account all the sensitivities related to the subject. The UN is a ready-made mechanism for such coordination.

My only concern is that she seems to underplay the fact that should we ever meet aliens, they’re going to want one thing only: to eradicate us from the planet and then harvest our bodies/souls/natural resources for their own profit. Hasn’t this lady indulged in any pop culture in the last twenty or so years?

The pertinent questions we should be asking are something like: Who is going to disrupt their force fields with a virus? Where are our underground bunkers going to be built? Can we have Bill Pullman prepped and ready to deliver an epic speech within moments of First contact?

Playin’ grab ass with these aliens ain’t going to happen, Ambassador Othman. At best, I predict these aliens will want to penetrate our orifices for their spiky speculums. At worst, they’re going to wear our faces as they bathe in our gamma-irradiated lakes. We gotta get real. Do some research.

Welcome back Dexter, you slimy piece of shit! I didn’t realize how stoked I was for the season premiere of this show until I was moments away, with a little bit of the sac tightening from anticipation. While last season’s finale would have been a perfect coda to the entire series, I’m equally intrigued to see where they go with the show after blowing up the entire status quo.

After Rita was axed (or was it knifed?) by the Trinity Killer at the end of last season, Dexter spends the entire premiere in an understandable post-widowing funk. His guilt is understandable, seeing that the whole reason she was iced was because he was busy satisfying his hard-on for blood. Dude laments quite a lot, and goes through the typical motions: I’m not a human, I lie to everyone, my hair is a fucking rat’s nest (comb that shit dude), and I can’t do this.

By the end of the episode, we’re right where we expected to be: with Dexter realizing that he needs to try and commit to the family life, even if he has to supplement that shit with some helpings of murder, and stabby-stab every once in a while.

The highlight on Dexter’s end of the episode had to be the flashbacks to his initial date with Rita. In case you missed their not-so subtle subtext, the date was their entire relationship in a microcosm. Flashback pontificating! It was nice though, and served as the goodbye that Dexter couldn’t provide. So Dexter returns from the good life on the high seas, having made his peace within the dark walls inside his skull-plate.

Ready to move on, and shit!

Keep Reading »

Batwoman is a 1968 Mexican movie that I had no clue existed until last night. Today, I watched the entire movie and I’m still blown away by what I saw. How can I describe it? Hrm… imagine if you took the 1960’s Batman series and set it in Mexico. And then added kooky subtitles. And then replaced Adam West with a hot-ass Mexican babe whose uniform primarily consists of a bikini.

That hot-ass Mexican babe is Maura Monti. And she’s incredible.

Keep Reading »

I don’t know how fucking old this is on the internets. Probably a million, zillion years. So calm down, judgmental jackholes. I just found this. What happens when you take the Olsen Twins, throw in some DRANK, codeine and yummy-belly style, and mash-up an old song of theirs? Oh, only probably your nightmares.

Hit the jump for the video.

Keep Reading »

Welcome to the fucking future, ya’ll! Look at these son of a bitch vending machine currently kicking it in Japan. Motherfucker is talented. Using a camera, it can determine your gender and age. Based off that shit, and the weather outside, it recommended a drink. I can’t tell if this is awesome, or horribly discriminatory. Probably both. I mean, I look like a twenty-seven year-old dickhead, but I actually like something pink, fluffy, and with a little fizz for my lips. Tee-hee!

Welcome to the fucking future. Hit the jump to embrace progress.

Keep Reading »

Pictures surfaced of Chris Evans rocking out as Steve Rogers today. One of the more ludicrous complaints I heard about him when he was announced is that he wasn’t “big enough”. Yeah well! I always thought he was ripped as fuck, and he seems to have stepped his game up since then. Don’t worry those of you who were worried he wasn’t going to bulge enough, he’s bringing it.

He’s pretty god damn swoon worthy. Hit the jump to check out the pictures from the set.

Keep Reading »

Humankind’s capacity to reduce each other to cinders shall not be conquered by love. Nor shall it be conquered by diplomacy. Instead, it’s going to be conquered by extraterrestrials. Apparently they’ve been rolling up for a while now, floating over our nuclear weapons, and disabling them with wunder-magic.

io9:

For years, military officers at nuclear missile sites in America have been reporting “disk shaped” UFOs that hover near their facilities and often wreak havoc with the weapons. Now, a group of former military officers are convening at the National Press Club in Washington this Monday to give a report on their observations of UFOs, and to demand answers from the government.

AP:

One of them, ICBM launch officer Captain Robert Salas, was on duty during one missile disruption incident at Malmstrom Air Force Base and was ordered to never discuss it. Another participant, retired Col. Charles Halt, observed a disc-shaped object directing beams of light down into the RAF Bentwaters airbase in England and heard on the radio that they landed in the nuclear weapons storage area. Both men will provide stunning details about these events, and reveal how the U.S. military responded.

Captain Salas notes, “The U.S. Air Force is lying about the national security implications of unidentified aerial objects at nuclear bases and we can prove it.” Col. Halt adds, “I believe that the security services of both the United States and the United Kingdom have attempted-both then and now-to subvert the significance of what occurred at RAF Bentwaters by the use of well-practiced methods of disinformation.”

Well then! C’mon, aliens! Don’t you know anything about free will? About humanity’s ability to sculpt our own future? Wait, you say we’re basically just a bunch of monkeys with technology we don’t know how to responsibly handle? Fuck you! Go build some god damn pyramids in some other dimension or some shit. Judgmental pricks.

Welcome to Press Start! The place where I uh, do stuff and ramble a lot about video games. I’m going to level with you guys, I have a god damn head cold that won’t quit. This entire column is powered by Sudafed and the hazy feeling that antihistamine bring upon me. In other words; it’s sort of half-assed! Apologies. You’ll never know the difference, so low is the bar I set for myself. Here is it, the five things that caught The One Dork Eye of mine this week, in no particular order, and without anything resembling sense. Hit me in the comments box with your list of happenings.

Onward! Upward!

—-

#1: Bioshock Infinite Gameplay Drops Ten-Minutes of Bonery Onto Fans
It almost doesn’t seem fair. Bioshock Infinite isn’t dropping until some time next year, and here we are in September staring at ten-minutes of pants tightening glory. And if you’re any sort of a fan of awesome or Bioshock, you’re going to produce a sordid amount of cream in your pantaloons. A good friend of mine crunched the numbers, and did some science, and proclaimed that this footage is in fact beyond boners. A crack team of scientists are trying to calculate exactly what the appropriate juvenile expression for this game shall be, since clearly it is something more righteous than a blood-flooded cock.

—-

#2: Donkey Kong Country Returns Pre-Order Gift is Strangely Erotic
There’s always something strangely erotic about Donkey Kong. At least to me. And that probably isn’t worth of remark, since I have the maturity of a fifteen year-old. But still. Today I was thinking about how the entire premise of Donkey Kong is that he kidnaps this white chick, and I presume he’s going to do some vag-splitting horror on her after he takes care of that fucking plumber.

[Aside: It also seems like a creepy Japanese manifestation over the fears of miscegenation.]

Even more terrifying is the fact that everyone is down with DK, despite his dubious beginnings. Like, now he gets to roll around kicking ass and hanging out with his brood like he wasn’t a serial monkey rapist back in the day. What the fuck is that shit?

Nonetheless.

Nonetheless, this week Nintendo revealed the pre-order bonus you get when you drop some money down on Donkey Kong Country Returns over at Gamestop. A strangely erotic glove that you can slip your Wiimote into. What exactly is the functional purpose of this gift? I’m not sure. It’s a fucking condom shaped like a banana. I find it amazing though, and can’t help but want it for some inexplicable reason.

I want a banana condom.

—–

#3: MTV Gets Resident Evil Actors to Quote Lines From The Game
True confessional type shit: I saw Resident Evil: Afterlife. And I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it as some exceptionally awful action movie, that you can enjoy for all of its skillfully poor execution of action movie tropes. In three-dimensions! A concept which seemed to flummox Paul W.S. Anderson, so he just used bullet time to fling things at the screen.

Anyways.

So with that in mind, I was pretty pumped to find this video. MTV News got the actors of Afterlife to act out some of the classically brutal lines from the series. Any dork worth his weight in Claire Redfield cosplay can quote these lines. Sadly. So what is the greatest thing in life? Getting the shitty actors to quote shitty lines from Resident Evil. There’s some sort of righteous meta-commentary going on here, because there are countless lines from the movie which are actually worse than these lines.

Keep giggling, Milla Jovovich. You can’t act nor are you the Master of Unlocking like Jill!

Keep Reading »

Source: Mike Mitchell via Gamefreaks