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This is the Meathook galaxy. At one point in time, it was a typical spiral galaxy. After a gazillion zillion years of getting its ass-whupped, it now resembles the good ole letter S.

Why?

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New trailer for Green Lantern up in here! It  oscillates  between gorgeous visuals, horrible exposition, epic action sequences, and Blake Lively’s black hole of non-acting prowess. Also, the Green Lantern’s oath is fucking awful in the comic books, and only sounds more hokey out loud.

Hit the jump for the trailer.

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I don’t know how long it’s been going on, but I noticed it last year. People are all over the “May The 4th” type Star Wars shit. I fucking love Star Wars. No manipulation of the originals, no shitty prequels, nothing can take away the glory that is stored in the heart of my little soul. Binary Sunset will forever give me goosebumps, and that motherfucking galaxy far, far away will never stop daring me to dream.

Happy May The 4th, fuckers.

Turn around and the next thing you know, the clock strikes Wednesday! Well goodness me. Time to plot out your various funny books for the week. Check the articles, plumb the pull-lists, collate the funds.  This is Variant Covers, the one-stop shop for spittin’ about the funny books you’re snagging on this week. Oh yeah, and I also display the titles catchin’ my eye.

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Despite Cat’s disdain for a bastard in their family, it’s hard to deny the awesomeness of Jon Snow. He’s one of my favorite characters in the book and now on the show as well. The setting of the Wall helps a lot – it’s such an interesting and eerie place situated at the end of a haunted forest. This forest seems deadly still but if it deems guarding by the Night’s Watch – people who (sometimes unwillingly) sacrifice their entire lives to protect this Wall – then you know shit can go down at any minute. Benjen tells Tyrion a lot about these unnameable horrors beyond the Wall, like big fucking bears. Oh my! And of course there’s the White Walkers who made an appearance in the beginning of the pilot. They’ll come into play shortly and they’re some scary pricks.

Lots of exposition in “Lord Snow” – especially backstory concerning Jaime Lannister and how he earned his epic nickname “Kingslayer.” In the sleazy manner of stabbing the king in the back, natch. Actor Nikolaj Coster-Waldau plays the smug asshole perfectly. I wanted Ned to bitch slap him with a glove during the scene in the throne room. Him and his unscathed armor. Pssshhht. During the small council, Ned learns how utterly fucked the kingdom’s financial situation is. “Counting copper,” they call it. Despite the issue, Robert demands a tournament be held in celebration of Ned’s appointment as Hand of the King. Ned’s new role, however, doesn’t give him the power to prevent royal spending on crap like tourneys. His frustration with King’s Landing continues to grow.

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WELCOME TO THE   MONDAY MORNING COMMUTE! FUGG YEAH, BOI!

Whoa. Sorry, I just lost my mind for a bit. Can you blame me though, life’s damn wonderful! Worth getting psyched up for! Also, I’ve been pounding caffeine all afternoon, so I scream in the irrational belief that it’ll keep my heart pumping.

Anyways. Posted on Monday evenings by a dude with less than fifteen minutes on his daily commute, this is the weekly show-and-tell at OL. I show you the bits of trivial nonsense I’ll use to numb the sting of indentured servitude. Then, like a good little doobie, you hit up the comments and tell me what you’re up to.

A failure to comply will result in the destruction of your homeworld. The Planet Smasher has been summoned. Don’t test me.

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Summer is upon us and what better way to start blockbuster season than flipping a bus carrying convict Dominic Torrento? That’s exactly how Fast Five begins, right where 2009’s Fast and Furious ends – Dom (Vin Diesel) is convicted and being transported to prison. His sister Mia, now pregnant, and best pal Brian (Paul Walker) react to Dom’s sentence by doing what they do best – causing huge car crashes. This is pure popcorn entertainment at its very best and, besides one complaint, I loved every freakin’ frame of it. Its got really well-choreographed action, idiotic charm, and real stunt men doing real stunts. It’s the best bro-car movie since 2 Fast 2 Furious and the best of the franchise hands-down. It makes me want to do push-ups and pound a beer – at the same time!

After a news report states that NO ONE was hurt in the bus crash (seriously the thing flips like 11 times), we jump forward a few months to Rio, where Brian and Mia are hiding out. They get a gig from Dom’s ol’ buddy Vin (from the first Fast) stealing some DEA seized cars off a train. And BAM, Dom is there too. The job sours when it turns out that the Rio kingpin wants the cars and some DEA agents get shot. Is stealing DEA cars from a moving train ever easy?

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Press Start! Don’t Press Start! What the fuck do I care? It’s a goddamn glorious Friday evening here along the Eastern Seaboard of the Empire proper. Wind whispering sexy promises of summer, the night air making my balls hurt with the promise of Spring Fever and low-cut dresses on campus. Anyways, if you’re new to the rodeo: this is a weekly column where I slap together five things that I deemed noteworthy in gaming this week.

As an airheaded asshole, I encourage you to share your happenings, for they are certainly of more worth and value than my own. Grab a pop, unbuckle those tight pants, and let’s relax in the world of dual-analogs and dragons.

—

#1: James Cameron Says Gaming Will Drive 3D.
Well son of a bitch. I was comfortable being able to demonize the cinema for pushing 3D bullshit onto the unwashed masses. But here comes fucking Jimmy Cameron surfing on the bodies of dead Filipino Boy Prostitutes stuffed with cash, telling me it’s video games that are going to get this fucking technical abortion installed into houses.

(That was a serious fucking run-on sentence.)

Specifically, Jimmy was talking about video games being the driving force between glasses-free 3D, spouting off that the Nintendo 3DS and other “single-viewing devices that are engaging the person to play these video games will drive a lot of investment in autostereoscopic displays for that very reason.”

So now this shit is on us, guys. All of you giggling as you’re playing your 3DS know this! You’re fucking me in the ass! And it hurts so poorly. At least, if we’re going to suffer the 3Dpocalypse, it won’t be with some goggles strapped to our skulls.

Right?

Fuck.

—-

#2: Massachusetts Town Upholds Coin-Op Gaming Ban.
This one hits a bit close to home. I am a resident of the Boston area. Retarded (retahded?) accent and all. I take pride in the fact that we’re generally a godless, liberal bunch around here. A bunch of dongs rubbing up against one another, weed with nary a ticket, health care for the hobos. It’s good. It’s good.

However, somehow we’ve fucking failed. At least one town has. Meet fucking Marshfield. Motherfuckers in Marshfield have banned coin-op gaming in their town for a solid 29 years. Good lord. This week, a movement to repeal this banning of shit like Donkey Kong was struck down.

Struck down!

Where are the Crypto-Vaults hidden in this shit town? Furthermore, where is this town? I have not come across it in my travels. But it frightens me. With a vote of 655-554, the law was upheld. There will be no Pac-Man for the denizens of Marshfield.

Just failure. Failure.

—-

#3: Sega Drops Phantasy Star Online 2 Details.
In news that may only be exciting to me, Sega dropped some details for Phantasy Star Online 2 this week. Goddamn, did I ever love the original Phantasy Star Online. Nothing made my fat, unmotivated ass glow in my senior year of high school like booting up my Dreamcast, dragging a telephone wire all the way across my room   for 56k glory, and rocking out with some PSO. A total

There’s a serious fucking lull in my online gaming right now. WoW has finally lost its glimmer, I know myself enough to know I won’t give a fuck about Rift, Diablo III and Star Wars: The Old Republic might as well be vaporware with their unpredictable release dates.

I need something!

Even if I never get my paws on this son of a bitch, it’s a nostalgia drop that brings me back to the glossy lensed days of the Dreamcast. Simple days. Full of loot drops, endless dungeon cycling, and eating enough Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers to stack on a solid thirty pounds.

Oh senior year, I miss you.

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[face of a franchise presents two individuals that’ve fulfilled the same role. your task — choose the better of the two and defend your choice in the rancor pit that is the comments section]

Take a look at the image above. Good lookin’ babes, huh? Slightly over-the-hill, no doubt, but these ladies seemed to have aged more like wine than vinegar. And hell, who doesn’t like a nice cougar? America’s been lusting after slutty old broads for the last forty-four years.

True beauty transcends time. And so do these babes.

One of the most important plot elements of Back to the Future is that Marty is going to fuck his girlfriend Jennifer Parker during a weekend retreat. He’s really pumped about the prospect, especially since it’ll cheer him up after having been smoked in the battle of the bands audition. Unfortunately, his pussy of a father loans the family car to his shitbird boss, who of course smashes it up while drunk. As a result, Marty goes back in time to rewrite history so that he can bang Jennifer whenever he pleases.

Or something.

In any case, the role of Jennifer Parker was first rocked by Claudia Wells. The actress did a superb job of inducing boners, thereby helping viewers of Back to the Future further sympathize with the protagonist (and his carnal desires). Had a lesser-quality woman taken the role, society may have never experienced a collective erection and this modern-classic may have fallen by the wayside.

*HOWEVER*

Due to an illness in the family, Claudia Wells was unable to participate the second two chapters of the BTTF trilogy. As a result, Elisabeth Shue assumed the role of Jennifer. With Shue’s performance, the audience was able to glimpse into the year 2015 and see what Marty McFly’s future turmoil could look like. The second and third flicks featured Jennifer much more prominently, requiring more screen time from Shue than her predecessor.

Claudia Wells defined the role, but then bowed out and pretty much faded into obscurity. Elisabeth Shue spent way more time as the character, but was just going through the motions someone else choreographed.

So – who do you think is the better Jennifer Parker?

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Greeting lead-footed fuckfaces! Hop aboard the motherfuckeringmothership and let’s party. Things have been quiet around the halls of Spaceship Omega, and for that I apologize. I have run headfirst into the teeth of the semester, and the Meat Grinder hath Ground.  Things will be picking back up again shortly.  Until then, how the fuck you been?

Cordially,

CP.