Aliens Are Inhabiting Christina Aguilera, Axl Rose. It Has Begun.
It has begun. Aliens have begun inhabiting the bodies of celebrities, attempting to infiltrate the media and emit telepathic brainwashing wunder-waves. The only problem? They’ve chosen two washed-up super stars. And their husk-stealing has resulted in some ugly, ugly bloat. I mean, it’s obvious, right?
Hit the jump for proof. But brace yourself.
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THIS WEEK ON Dexter: Smokey And The Bandit.
We’re three episodes into Dexter’s sixth season and ain’t a damn thing happened yet. I’m not worried, no sir. I take the fanboy approach. Patiently awaiting something dope. So the sweet scene with the corpse horses was the last thirty seconds of the episode. So Billy Adama and Father Joe are up to nothing. So Dexter is just giving baby baths and shit.
It can’t stay like this forever, right?
OCTOBERFEAST – Danzig
[OCTOBERFEAST is the greatest celebration of the year, a revelry dedicated to pop-culture’s most nutritious Halloween detritus. Plastic screams and artificial sweeteners have never been more bountiful. In the old country, villagers refer to the extended party as Satan’s Snacktime]
The malignant hordes have festered upon the campgrounds, sprawling about in a triumphant display of terror. They take killer rips from gasoline tanks teeming with Mountain Dew. They burning effigies of the Kardashians. They feast upon orange-frosted cupcakes and handfuls of roasted pumpkin seeds.
There is no doubt that the OCTOBERFEAST merrymakers are having the times of their lives.
However, total immersion in the immoral leaves the partygoers defenseless! At this point, virtually every one of `em is pumpkin-drunk and fear-fatigued. What should happen if some Donnie Decency stormed the gates, pamphlets about hygiene and righteousness in hand? Well, we could very well see the dark disciples converted, repurposed for existences without surfeits of sugar and regular poltergeist-attacks.
The horror!
Fortunately, there are those who keep careful watch over the OCTOBERFEAST – after all, the success of any evil entity is contingent upon the strength of its sentries. Voldemort has the Death Eaters. Darth Vader has the Stormtroopers.
Not to be outdone, OCTOBERFEAST has its own last line of defense: Etrigan’s Guild. For the safety of the celebration, the identities of this cacodemonic collective’s members are shrouded, revealed only to the perpetrating do-gooders. But in the spirit of Satan’s Snacktime, tonight the captain of the guild is stepping forward, making his presence known to any considering infiltration.
The Captain of Etrigan’s Guild: Glenn Danzig
Fear Fest: Demo Dick Marcinko. Makes Jack Bauer His Bitch.
OCTOBER 17th, Dick Marcinko
“Award of 50,000 piasters to anyone who could kill First Lieutenant Demo Dick Marcinko, a grey-faced killer who had brought death and trouble to the Chau Phu Province during the Lunar New Year.”
-Viet Cong Wanted Poster
If you don’t know who Dick Marcinko is, shame on you. All those phony Chuck Norris facts could truthfully apply to this man. Let’s just say that Demo Dick, as he was known, is a true American hero and move on.
There are many things about Marcinko that would qualify him for Fear Fest status. Number one on that list would be that this is the man that started Seal Team 6. I’m sure the rest of the list is still classified, but we might as well toss in there that he was technical advisor on “24”. That’s right, fictional hero Jack Bauer is a cheap knock off of the real thing.
Marvel Releases Galactus Themed Teaser for ‘Fantastic Four’ #600. Worlds of Awesome.
Hickman is unleashing the coupe de grace of Fantastic Four villains for the title’s six hundredth issue. The destroyer of worlds, the dude with the huge pink helmet: Galactus. Fuck yes.
Hit the jump for the promo.
‘Avengers 2’ To Have New Team, Dr. Strange and Hulk TV News Too. Marvel Blitz!
Marvel President Kevin Feige dropped a goddamn blitzkrieg of information over the weekend at NYCC. News on Iron Man 3, Dr. Strange, the Hulk TV show, and oh yeah: Avengers 2.
Eat it up, swine.
Comets Almost Ended Life On August 12th, 1883. Time Traveling Morgan Freeman Saved Us.
According to new findings, a wild gang of Earth-fucking comets almost ended life on our Fair Blue Marble. There was no Bruce Willis to stave disaster, but rather chance. Or the Hand of Zeus, if you swing that way.
Dude Named Knucklez Fists the Previous ‘Space Invaders’ High Score By Double. Double Fists?
Tacky, tasteless headlines by yours truly. Make the medicine go down? The medicine go down? Anyways! Dude named Knucklez who owns an arcade beat the previous Space Invaders record. By a lot.
Video: Marvel Releases New Short, “A Funny Thing Happened On The Way to Thor’s Hammer”. Meh.
The newest Agent Coulson one-shot tying together the Marvel universe has dropped, and it gets a resounding meh from me.
Hit the jump to check it out.
Marvel Releases ‘Phoenix’ Teaser. Make Mine Jean Grey!
I love Jean Grey. Too good for that Cub Scouts dick-bag Scott or that drunken Canadian ball of hate. She deserves me! Me I say! Her absence in the MU has been fucking depressing, letting that annoyingly posh and predictable Emma Frost to run things. It appears the Phoenix will be rising soon.
Hit the jump for details.
