Boarding Spaceship Earth during the Reagan administration, my childhood occurred in the early 1990s – an era fortunate enough to be blessed with some wonderful pop culture. Mark-Paul Gosselaar set the standard for high school hipness. Macaulay Culkin was bustin’ our guts with displays of suburban terror. And Metallica was reaching the masses while still saying something worthwhile.

But the best pop culture phenomenon was undoubtedly the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. In my day, these anthropomorphic creatures battled the forces of evil in cartoons, movies, comics, and video games – and it all kicked ass! We couldn’t get enough of these guys and their fun-loving ways.

Eventually, however, the TMNT love faded away. And this would have been fine. There’s nothing wrong with taking a backseat and being fawned upon by nostalgic nerds from time to time. But the problem is that the turtles were forced (no doubt against their will) to return to the spotlight in some straight-up bobo renditions.

The most offensive of all the later-day TMNT cash-grabs is Ninja Turtles: The Next Mutation. Long story short, this late 90s (*shudder*) live action series hoped to revitalize the franchise by introducing a female turtle. Ugh. Check out the press video below:

The worst part of the video comes as Dan Clark, executive creative consultant, attempts to justify the inclusion of Venus:

She brings balance to the boys’ lives — she brings a feminine influence into the house.

Wait, what the fugg is this guy talking about? Doesn’t he understand a damn thing about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? My generation didn’t love the heroes in a half-shell because they used the martial arts as a means of attaining spiritual enlightenment or holistic balance. No, we loved the turtles because they didn’t embark upon such bogus journeys. Instead, they used karate to beat the shit out of bad guys and impress hot newscasters.

And what did they do when they weren’t beating ass? They ate pizza, went clubbing, and skateboarded. In other words, it was a total bro-fest.

And it was glorious.

Get out of my face with that Venus de Milo shit.

What a fucking confluence of awesome is coming together in Hollywood. As we speak. Or maybe, it happened a couple of hours ago. But somehow, something out of a nerd wet dream has occurred. Motherfucking Guillermo Del Toro of Hellboy and Pan’s Labryninth and of course fucking Blade 2 fame is teaming up with David Eick, the executive producer of my eternal television orgasm Battlestar Galactica to create a new live-action television show based on the Hulk.

Fuck yes to the fuck yes! It was rumored a couple of months ago, and now this son of a bitch is confirmed.

Deadline:

Details of the premise are sketchy but I hear that the series will follow an origin story. In it, physicist Bruce Banner, whose alter ego is the green and raging Hulk, will be in his mid-twenties, less reactive and more energized as the world is still his oyster. Unlike the two Hulk movies, in which the monster was a pure CGI creation, the series will employ a mixture of prosthetics, puppetry and CGI. Del Toro and Eick will break the story for the pilot script together, sharing story and created by credit. Eick will write the script, with del Toro attached to direct subject to his availability. Del Toro will also oversee the designing of the Hulk character, which is expected to draw on previous comic book incarnations, as well as the original 1978-82 Incredible Hulk TV series, with a few wild tweaks on the old look.

I find this wildly arousing. Del Toro is a straight-up panic attack excitement guru in my world, and Eick has guided one of my favorite franchises ever. It’s particularly exciting, given the fact that they’re going to take a prosthetic approach to some of the Hulk, and if there’s one thing Del Toro can imagine, it’s fucking monsters. I’ve always secretly jerked off to the notion that his eye for creatures could be directed towards some sort of Star Wars flick, but fuck it, I’ll settle for this.

Thoughts? Impressions? Hit the comments box with your take.

I have to hand it to the writers. I don’t know about anyone else, but I’ve found the past two episodes in a fucking row! to be engrossing like woah. Ignore the fact that the side stories continue to underwhelm aside from Robocop trying to bring down Dexter and Lumen. The Dexter/Lumen/Jordan chase story has grabbed me by my impressively miniscule genitalia and refused to let go. A certain sadness pangs around my empty gut as I realize that nothing gold can stay, especially a cute relationship between a serial killer vigilante and the woman he saved from a trip to a swamp.

Catharsis. Underpinning this entire episode, and perhaps the remainder of this season’s arc is Dexter’s chase of the impossible. Relief from the murder of his mother. Relief from the murder of his wife. The double-smash of the two female figures he’s cared for the most. As we’ve watched our boy throughout the seasons, he’s struggled with an inability to cope with what’s been done to him. His murder serves, at best, as a mitigation. He never feels completely fulfillment, or complete release from his demons. His dark passenger. His demonic b-boy. Whateevr.

If anything, the show has underlined his hobby’s his continuing fading effectiveness. As seasons have marched, each kill seemed to bring him less and less satisfaction. Cut to this season, and they’re empty loads being blown. No gratification. A rote behavior done with the hope for gratification, only to be filled with Jordan Chase’s accurately diagnosed hole. His killing relief has flat lined.

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Listen, purveyors of cool. If you’re not watching The Walking Dead, you’re fucking up. Done fucking up well. The first two episodes have been ass-clenching awesome. The good news for those of us who are watching it? Well, not only have we made it the best debut for a show ever on AMC, but we’ve earned ourselves a reward.

The show has been picked up for a full second season.

AMC via Slashfilm:

(New York, NY — November 8, 2010) AMC announced today the renewal of “The Walking Dead” for a 13-episode second season. Since debuting Sunday, October 31, “The Walking Dead” has broken ratings records, with the series reaching more Adults 18-49 than any other show in the history of cable television.

“I wish all programming decisions were no brainers like this one,” said Sharon Tal Yguado, SVP Scripted Programming. “‘The Walking Dead’ is a TV masterpiece on so many levels. We want at least 10 seasons, if not more. Kudos to AMC!”

AMC’s “The Walking Dead” is based on the comic book series written by Robert Kirkman and published by Image Comics.   Kirkman serves as an executive producer on the project and three-time Academy Award-nominee Frank Darabont (The Shawshank Redemption, The Green Mile) serves as writer, director and executive producer. Gale Anne Hurd (The Terminator, Aliens, Armageddon, The Incredible Hulk), chairman of Valhalla Motion Pictures, serves as Executive Producer. David Alpert from Circle of Confusion and Charles “Chic” Eglee (Dexter, The Shield, Dark Angel) serve as Executive Producers.

Fucking awesome. The best part is that it’s an entire season. Right now, this little ditty we’re being treated to is a six-episode cock tease. Good lord, it’s going to be over before we know it. At least we have something to look forward to! Right on.

Just read about this and wanted to share.

Apparently in 1987, someone wearing a Max Headroom mask pirated a Chicago-area TV signal and interrupted the regularly scheduled broadcast. The chaos that ensued can be found below. I can’t articulate why, but I love it.

Double frak. SyFy, not content enough to let Caprica shit all over my beloved Battlestar Galactica mythos is prepping a new prequel series that’ll detail the run of Willy “Husker” Adama. SyFy is kicking shit off with Battlestar Galactica: Blood and Chrome in either late 2011, or early 2012. Motherfuckers. They will then parlay this shit into a new series.

io9:

The script, by Michael Taylor, was originally planned as an online series, but the network liked it so much that they decided to turn it into a possible new series on the network. Blood and Chrome takes place 20 years after Caprica and about 40 years before Battlestar Galactica.

Well, it could be worse, guys. It could be written by Jane Espenson, who fucking sucks. Not only were her episodes in latter BSG awful – hint, look for the shitty episodes, you’ll see her name attached – but she ripped fat narrative craps all over Caprica.

Michael Taylor, on the other hand, is legit. Dude wrote BSG season three’s Unfinished Business, and Crossroads Part I. Legit, ball-tingling episodes. So who knows. Maybe it’ll rock. Maybe it won’t. Whatever it is, it’s guaranteed to have more action, and shiz.

This is very much an action-adventure, war series. This is definitely dealing with people who are fighting the fight. … As you hope ‘Battlestar’ would do, it kind of comments on that process a little bit… but not in a preachy way, not in an issues-oriented way, not in a hitting-you-over-the-head way.

So we’ll see. More Viper piloting awesomeness? It could happen. I’m all over the place when thinking about this shit. Just remember, it could be worse. It could be Jane Espenson. Or fucking Bryan Singer.

Hit me with your thoughts in the box. Comments box.

When has Dexter Morgan passed the point of no return? When has the dude finally fucked up far too righteously to recover from? I ask, because if the dude hasn’t gotten there yet, he’s getting precariously close. If he hasn’t crossed the Rubicon, he’s certainly nuzzling up next to it.

Here’s a point for Would-Be savers of rape and homicide victims: when you’re trying to calm them down, don’t have them in a headlock. If you’re trying to assure them that they’re okay, don’t do it while administering a rear naked chokehold. Our boy Dexter misses that essential point in this episode, while trying to calm down the female he saved from Boyd’s writhing stache of prowess, Lumen.

“No no, seriously calm down! Everything is cool! Ignore the shed I’ve got you locked in, or the fast that I’m trying to give you the Boston Crab, or that I killed someone. Everything is fine. Dope. Solid even.”

Dexter spends the entire episode spiraling out of control. His life is in tatters, his existential status a tailspin of tremendous splendor. The dude just offed the coolest mustache in the state of Florida. Dang. His hot Irish baby sitter just quit. Double dang. And some uppity broad who isn’t cool with getting locked up in alligator country needs to be dealt with.

What’s a dude to do?

Why, consult Harry!

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[This! Is! Mad Men! is a recap of the newest developments of Don Draper and his lovable gang of capitalist sleazeballs. Sometimes it’s liveblogged, sometimes not. In the spirit of the show, the post itself will often be sexist and drunk. Apologies ahead of time.]

Why do we put up with the bullshit in our lives? Why do we drag our existences through the mud? Knowing that we only have one-way tickets on Spaceship Earth, why don’t we do more to enjoy the ride?

The short answer — most of us don’t even know.

Neither does Don Draper.

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Well, I wasn’t expecting this. Despite covering the announcement of Marvel television with Jeph Loeb helming it, I had sort of forgotten entirely about its existence. I was reminded today like fucking woah when it came out that not only is the Hulk being prepped for a television series, but Del Toro himself is making a pitch for it.

slashfilm:

Deadline and The Live Feed have the news, announcing that Marvel and ABC are currently in very early stages of development of a live-action (most likely hour-long) series adaptation of the comic book character. The project is part of a push from Marvel to enter the TV realm, kicked off last summer with the launch of Marvel Television. Heroes exec producer Jeph Loeb is the head of the operation, and The Hulk was among two high priority projects they settled on.

Slash points out an obvious but good question: isn’t this just inviting confusion? Dude’s gone through a fucking ludicrous amount of iterations within the last ten years alone. First Eric Bana, then Edward Norton, and currently Mark Ruffalo in the movies. But now they’re tacking on a separate television universe? Aren’t the mouthbreathers going to get confused? Dur! Where is that there guy from the TV tube! Why aren’t he one of them Avengers!

Two different Hulks existing in two different mediums? I don’t know, it seems to be muddying the waters a bit. But there’s good news at least! Fucking David Eick of Battlestar Galactica and Guillermo Del Toro are pitching a take? That’s fucking fantastic. Almost too good to be true.

[This! Is! Mad Men! is a recap of the newest developments of Don Draper and his lovable gang of capitalist sleazeballs. Sometimes it’s liveblogged, sometimes not. In the spirit of the show, the post itself will often be sexist and drunk. Apologies ahead of time.]

It’s no secret that Mad Men is filled with flawed characters. From the very first episode, this show has taken the viewers through the ups and downs of some of Madison Avenue’s most promising advertisers. While these trials and tribulations are entertaining in and of themselves, it is more interesting to search for the motivations. What is the impetus that makes [name a character] behave this way? Why are these individuals so incapable of veering away from self destruction?

Tonight, I think Blowing Smoke might have delivered an answer: addiction.

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