According to the rumor I just started, the Miami Heat have acquired the most amazing free agent in the history of professional sports.

Source: Retro Star Wars

In time for the Tron Legacy panel at San Diego Comic Con, this new trailer for the movie dropped. And then I dropped my pants. Rimshot! Groans! Guilty muted applause. If this movie is even half as cool as it seems, I’ll be satisfied. At the most basic level, the visuals alone are enough to cajole my nerd loins in a titillated slushy mess.

Hit the jump to check out the trailer and visually imbibe nerdporn.

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[pixelation | weekly gaming & life column every wednesday or uh thursday]

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I picked up and played through the XBLA game Limbo yesterday. I had heard so much god damn fawning about it, watched a video about it and deemed it dope, and had tons of expectations. I paid way too much, stared at the download bar, and booted the son of a bitch up.

I was bored within moments.

Aesthetically, the game was everything you want in some indie game to fawn over. Dark and brooding? Word. Lack of UI which is totally innovated (except not really)? Word. Simplistic visuals? Word. It was a paint by numbers indie game. And everyone seemed to love it. But me.

What the fuck was going on?

It was during my aggravation at having to push around blocks and listening to the (not really) beautiful swirling ambient music that I had a moment of clarity. A thunderous strike of denouement. I play games like a fucking buzzsaw. Perhaps Limbo is generic and boring (I think it is), but more than likely it couldn’t have been further from my preferred type of game. As a caffeinated mess, I twitch whilst holding the controller. I run into everything. I want to smash through walls and rip people apart.

I said, “Perhaps this isn’t your type of game!”

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The original Mortal Kombat fatalities goes papercraft in this Youtube video. I love the fact that these classic deaths are still firmly entrenched in the cultural consciousness of my generation, and talented people are finding new ways of representing these beautiful impressions of paper-bound mortality.

Hit the jump and watch some glorious paper deaths.

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BioWare has announced the next Mass Effect 2 DLC: Lair of the Shadow Broker, dropping uh, sometime. Apparently the DLC takes place in response to a bunch of hogwash bullshit that took place during Mass Effect 2 that we never saw. But was in a comic book.

Uh?

Isn’t like, some of this essential narrative information?

via kotaku:

After Shepard died in the beginning of Mass Effect 2, his blue-skinned friend Liara T’Soni fought a desperate battle to recover his body from the mysterious Shadow Broker. Now it’s time to settle the score.

Detailed in the Mass Effect 2 comic book series from Dark Horse, Liara went through hell to recover Commander Shepard’s remains from the mysterious information broker known as the Shadow Broker, delivering them to Cerberus, where our hero was eventually reconstituted.

Good god damn. I hate it when important plot points are used as selling points for various cross-merchandising. I would have liked to thank Miss Sexy Blue Skin for her efforts when I met her in one of my nineteen playthroughs of Mass Effect 2 for, you know, capturing my body and bringing it to get revived. Only fuggin’ Bioware didn’t let me know of this, because I didn’t read a comic.

Whatever.

In this DLC, you’ll be teaming up with Liara to storm the Shadow Broker and lay some whup down on his ass. Good. This douche has been a serious pain in Shepard’s ass since he double-crossed Tali back in the original. Let’s do this.

[images & words is the comic book pick-of-the-week at OL. equal parts review and diatribe, the post highlights the most memorable/infuriating/entertaining book released that wednesday]

Spoilers Ahead. Forreal.

Sometime ago, Marvel unleashed an event on the Spider-Man universe called One More Day. This story essentially undid years and years of continuity and character development; in exchange for Aunt May’s life, Peter Parker and Mary Jane agree to allow Mephisto to retcon their lives any way he sees fit. Of course, he makes it so that they were never married.

Fugging hogwash.

For the most part, I feel that rewriting character history is a dangerous endeavor. By saying This and that and the other thing never happened, a writer is basically tossing out the stories that fans have spent years reading. The characters don’t really develop and readers can pretty much count on future tales coming to similar conclusions.

I’m going to pause for a second, to add some counterbalance to my tirade. I’m not opposed to reboots or reimaginings of all sorts. In fact, I think that harnessing fresh perspectives to relaunch franchises can lead to products that are better than the originals (see: Battlestar Galactica, The Dark Knight, etc.). But what I can’t stomach is the constant rehashing of tried-and-true formulas.

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Thor is bringing Nordic Thunder to Marvel Vs Capcom 3, and Amaterasu from Okami is rollin’ up with him. It makes smart fuggin’ sense for Marvel. With the Thor movie dropping next year, they’ve upped his comic book titles to something like as seventyjillionteen. A video game presence is only going to help. And as far as Amaterasu? Gotta put in some genital-scrubbin’ cult favorites.

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I dig. Hit the jump for their character artwork.

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[click to enlarge : now there’s a pun]

Dildos are awesome. That’s a universal fact. You disagree? Well, fuck you! I have thousands upon thousands of years of humans who think dildos are the Bee’s Knees, the Cat’s Pajamas, and other cool stuff.

Boom:

via livescience:

The carved bone was unearthed at a Mesolithic site in Motala, Sweden, that is rich with ancient artifacts from between 4,000 to 6,000 B.C. The area’s unique features may have allowed bone artifacts, which usually get destroyed over the millennia, to survive.

“It’s an organic object, that’s why it’s special,” Gruber told LiveScience. “Normally when we excavate early Mesolithic sites we never get the organic material. But this site where we’re excavating now is along the shoreline. The preservation is very good here — it’s been lying in the bottom sediments and clay layers of the river, and it’s been well preserved there.”

The dildo-like object is about 4 inches (10.5 cm) long and 0.8 inches (2 cm) in diameter.

It’s not the first time that such a phallic object has been found from the ancient world. Another item strongly resembling a penis was unearthed in Germany in 2005. That one is even older — dating from 28,000 years ago — and made of stone.

As I tumble towards the certainty that I am going to amount to nothing, I’ve come to a new conclusion. I’m going to begin crafting dildos out of melted down Nintendo Entertainment System cartridges, and hiding them. So, god willing, in four to five-thousand years, someone can dig up my dildo. This is my new (hopefully) attainable goal.