Humankind’s capacity to reduce each other to cinders shall not be conquered by love. Nor shall it be conquered by diplomacy. Instead, it’s going to be conquered by extraterrestrials. Apparently they’ve been rolling up for a while now, floating over our nuclear weapons, and disabling them with wunder-magic.

io9:

For years, military officers at nuclear missile sites in America have been reporting “disk shaped” UFOs that hover near their facilities and often wreak havoc with the weapons. Now, a group of former military officers are convening at the National Press Club in Washington this Monday to give a report on their observations of UFOs, and to demand answers from the government.

AP:

One of them, ICBM launch officer Captain Robert Salas, was on duty during one missile disruption incident at Malmstrom Air Force Base and was ordered to never discuss it. Another participant, retired Col. Charles Halt, observed a disc-shaped object directing beams of light down into the RAF Bentwaters airbase in England and heard on the radio that they landed in the nuclear weapons storage area. Both men will provide stunning details about these events, and reveal how the U.S. military responded.

Captain Salas notes, “The U.S. Air Force is lying about the national security implications of unidentified aerial objects at nuclear bases and we can prove it.” Col. Halt adds, “I believe that the security services of both the United States and the United Kingdom have attempted-both then and now-to subvert the significance of what occurred at RAF Bentwaters by the use of well-practiced methods of disinformation.”

Well then! C’mon, aliens! Don’t you know anything about free will? About humanity’s ability to sculpt our own future? Wait, you say we’re basically just a bunch of monkeys with technology we don’t know how to responsibly handle? Fuck you! Go build some god damn pyramids in some other dimension or some shit. Judgmental pricks.

Welcome to Press Start! The place where I uh, do stuff and ramble a lot about video games. I’m going to level with you guys, I have a god damn head cold that won’t quit. This entire column is powered by Sudafed and the hazy feeling that antihistamine bring upon me. In other words; it’s sort of half-assed! Apologies. You’ll never know the difference, so low is the bar I set for myself. Here is it, the five things that caught The One Dork Eye of mine this week, in no particular order, and without anything resembling sense. Hit me in the comments box with your list of happenings.

Onward! Upward!

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#1: Bioshock Infinite Gameplay Drops Ten-Minutes of Bonery Onto Fans
It almost doesn’t seem fair. Bioshock Infinite isn’t dropping until some time next year, and here we are in September staring at ten-minutes of pants tightening glory. And if you’re any sort of a fan of awesome or Bioshock, you’re going to produce a sordid amount of cream in your pantaloons. A good friend of mine crunched the numbers, and did some science, and proclaimed that this footage is in fact beyond boners. A crack team of scientists are trying to calculate exactly what the appropriate juvenile expression for this game shall be, since clearly it is something more righteous than a blood-flooded cock.

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#2: Donkey Kong Country Returns Pre-Order Gift is Strangely Erotic
There’s always something strangely erotic about Donkey Kong. At least to me. And that probably isn’t worth of remark, since I have the maturity of a fifteen year-old. But still. Today I was thinking about how the entire premise of Donkey Kong is that he kidnaps this white chick, and I presume he’s going to do some vag-splitting horror on her after he takes care of that fucking plumber.

[Aside: It also seems like a creepy Japanese manifestation over the fears of miscegenation.]

Even more terrifying is the fact that everyone is down with DK, despite his dubious beginnings. Like, now he gets to roll around kicking ass and hanging out with his brood like he wasn’t a serial monkey rapist back in the day. What the fuck is that shit?

Nonetheless.

Nonetheless, this week Nintendo revealed the pre-order bonus you get when you drop some money down on Donkey Kong Country Returns over at Gamestop. A strangely erotic glove that you can slip your Wiimote into. What exactly is the functional purpose of this gift? I’m not sure. It’s a fucking condom shaped like a banana. I find it amazing though, and can’t help but want it for some inexplicable reason.

I want a banana condom.

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#3: MTV Gets Resident Evil Actors to Quote Lines From The Game
True confessional type shit: I saw Resident Evil: Afterlife. And I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it as some exceptionally awful action movie, that you can enjoy for all of its skillfully poor execution of action movie tropes. In three-dimensions! A concept which seemed to flummox Paul W.S. Anderson, so he just used bullet time to fling things at the screen.

Anyways.

So with that in mind, I was pretty pumped to find this video. MTV News got the actors of Afterlife to act out some of the classically brutal lines from the series. Any dork worth his weight in Claire Redfield cosplay can quote these lines. Sadly. So what is the greatest thing in life? Getting the shitty actors to quote shitty lines from Resident Evil. There’s some sort of righteous meta-commentary going on here, because there are countless lines from the movie which are actually worse than these lines.

Keep giggling, Milla Jovovich. You can’t act nor are you the Master of Unlocking like Jill!

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Source: Mike Mitchell via Gamefreaks

[images & words is the comic book pick-of-the-week at OL. equal parts review and diatribe, the post highlights the most memorable/infuriating/entertaining book released that wednesday]

Bodacious babes and brutal bros.

This is one phrase that comes to mind when I think of Astonishing X-Men: Xenogenesis. Three issues in and the miniseries is maintaining its appeal, which is rooted in the balancing of a grim storyline with vibrant illustrations. Some might suggest that such lighthearted art isn’t appropriate for what is essentially a parable about genocide. But to these detractors, I offer the analogy of chasing Jim Beam with Coca-Cola; the mouth may find reprieve, but the throat will still burn and the head will still reel.

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Source: zero-lives via Gamefreaks

God damn, I always hated finding my way out of those fucking woods.

[Views From The Space-Ship, aka Desktop Tuesdays, aka Desktop Thursdays  is a (theoretically) weekly column where show you my worlds. Both real and virtual. Then, I invite you to share your own worlds in the comments!]

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Back in July, the Spicy Mulleted Maestro of Gaming Evil, Billy Mitchell, reclaimed the Donkey Kong high score record. Dude posted a 1,062,800 on the same day that he was inducted into the Video Game Hall of Fame. Mitchell, as made famous by the documentary The King of Kong is a real life villain. In that sort of cool, Darth Vader with a sexy haircut style. Brash, pimpin’, owner of his own line of hot sauce, and not really giving a fuck. I know there’s a lot to do about how fairly a documentary sets up a narrative as accurately reflecting reality but who cares.

‘Cause over the weekend, good prevailed. Well-manufactured, carefully edited good. But dammit, we need our narratives, don’t we?

Steve Wiebe, the average dude and dorky school teacher reclaimed the mantle from ole Willy Mitchell. Wiebe dropped a thunderous 1,064,500 point-effort back on August 20, and it was confirmed a couple of days ago.

How fantastic is this shit? The battle between the two of them was captured in said documentary, and it continues to rage to this day. You just know that somewhere, when Mitchell found out, he immediately pimp-slapped one of his lackeys who was giving him a pedicure and busted ass towards one of the last standing Chuck E. Cheese’s to try and topple Steve.

I love the entire thing. I love Mitchell, his swagger, and his awesome hair. I love how he embraces his role as villain. And as a frumpy dork like Wiebe, I actively root for him with all my bleeding heart. The two of them are engaged in some epic shit.

I’m a huge fan of the Cold War, and all the espionage and tactics that went into it. For a while now, I’ve felt that I missed my calling as a suave-ass spy like James Bond. Let’s ignore the fact that I’m neither suave, nor particularly adroit at anything other than stubbing my toe and not washing myself. This unspoken feeling was confirmed yesterday when I came across the news that I possess en masse an essential quality that all spies must have: semen.

Well, sort of.

According to MI6: The History of the Secret Intelligence Service 1909-1949, a book dropping this week, MI6 experimented with using semen as the coup de grâce of invisible ink. The sort of shit that you simply can’t make up. According to the book:

A member of staff close to “C”, Frank Stagg, said that he would never forget his bosses’ delight when the Deputy Chief Censor said one day that one of his staff had found out that “semen would not react to iodine vapour.” Stagg noted that “we thought we had solved a great problem”.

Amazing. It explains a lot of things, namely why Bond was always around slamming the hottest chick he could find. You think he was doing it for love of the flesh? The temptation to sin? Hardly, dudes. The man was merely manufacturing some ink to go about writing some reconnaissance files. After all these years, we finally have a greater understanding of Bond, and the spy archtype. Philanders? More like poets.

Furthermore, it brings great joy to know that I have enough secret spy ink on my futon to pen The Long Telegram. I’ve been training to be a spy for so many years, without even knowing it.

Via.

About a year ago I saw David Cross in Boston. The show was hilarious and made even more special by the fact that it was taped for release. But what was especially memorable was the fact that Cross previewed five minutes of a new series. He said that the project was being developed for English TV but that he was hopeful it would hit this side of the Atlantic via DVD.

Well, a year later and we’re only a couple weeks away from The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret‘s premiere on IFC. Reunited with fellow Arrested Development alum Will Arnett, Cross plays a hapless sap who falls into the (in)opportunity of moving to England to champion sales for his company. The product? ThunderMuscle – an energy drink of unprecedented strength.

The full pilot has been released online by IFC and I’ve embedded it below for your convenience. Check this shit out, it’s some of the funniest TV I’ve seen in a damn long while. Highlights include Todd Margaret’s experimentation with ThunderMuscle, a caffeinated experience that leads him to the following self-description:

“I’m like Rocky and Rocky III – combined! I’m like, if Rocky II fucked Rocky IV – BOOM! – Rocky V!”

Enjoy.

Source: Super Punch

Fuck some lame ass cross around my neck. If I’m going to sport anything big reppin’ Mr. Christ, it’s going to be this figure adorning my computer desk. Water into wine? That’s fucking last week, duder. This Jesus Christ turns the faces of evil into mush. Hell yeah.