[images & words is the comic book pick-of-the-week at OL. equal parts review and diatribe, the post highlights the most memorable/infuriating/entertaining book released that wednesday]

COWBOY NINJA VIKING has finally made its triumphant return! I caught wind of this series back in early April and have been eagerly anticipating this sixth issue ever since. Fortunately, the wait has paid off as the comic delivers.

Plot-wise, the reader follows Duncan as he struggles with two different dilemmas. Stemming from the turmoil of daily life, most readers will be able to relate to the first of these predicaments; being torn between two lovers. On one hand, the protagonist is quite interested in Grear as he and her “have industrial amounts of sex that’s like, porn star awesome.” On the other hand, Duncan finds Nix “God-damn alluring in a completely non-threatening manner, which makes [him] incapable of forming coherent thoughts…” With the skill of an excellent TV drama, COWBOY NINJA VIKING takes the reader through the process of selecting a mate.

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Dave Mustaine has got to have a million amazing stories. Unfortunately, he’s got a new best friend that discourages the glorification of senseless mayhem. Not that I’m a fan of it either, but it makes for a good stories. And since Dave Mustaine is one of metal’s most influential figures, a former junkie, a karate kid (see above), and a shit-talker, he’s got to have a few narrative aces up his sleeve.

Luckily, the Internet has all sorts of gems hidden in its crevices. Check out this interview of Dave Mustaine from the early 1990’s.   Highlights include his explanation of the cryogenic chambers from the Hangar 18 video and his referring to a brothel as butt-city.

Also, it’s pretty obvious that he’s hopped up on goofballs.

Variant Covers is the only weekly comic book column to feature headlines featuring puke covered boobs! Welcome to all ye enter, and I sure hope you’ve got a good taste for the depraved. Here at Variant Covers I give a run down of the comic books I’m excited for, catch my eye, or seem hilariously rotten in a given week.

Astonishing X-Men: Xenogenesis #2
The second issue of the most ridiculously named X-Title ever is arriving on shelves this week covered in puke, tits, and sociopolitical commentary. While I didn’t dig Warren Ellis’ first run on Astonishing X-Men that much, I really got into the first issue of Astonishing X-Men: Xenogenesis Fun Pukey Time. The storyline is centered around an African village that is giving birth to particularly mutant-looking children. The whole OMFG stems from the fact that once Scarlett Witch went all fucking insaneo and banished mutants from the Earth, ain’t none been born. Let alone the fact that generally muties manifest around puberty. Because you know, they’re an extended metaphor for adolescent longing as well as commentary on ostracized ethnic and cultural groups.

So shit is going down! What I really enjoy about the title is how Ellis manages to float political commentary rather elegantly into the affairs of a bunch of latex-bound demi-gods. In the middle of the first issue, Wolverine drops some knowledge bombs about Nelson Mandela that even if you disagree with, are pretty interesting to hear coming out of a mainstream comic book.

It’s a fun romp, and features ridiculous postures and absurd ass and tit shots by Kaare Andrews. And while I’m ultimately a horndog who finds himself aroused on occasion by the curve of inanimate objects, the artwork stems the line between ridiculously sexualized and rousing the inner feminist in me. There’s some sort of line that Andrews is straddling for even the most reluctant readers as myself, and definitely sending more engaged feminists into apoplectic aneurysms.

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Meta 4 #1
Meta 4! Metaphor. See what they did there? This comic comes out this week, and I’m particularly intrigued. I hadn’t read about it, but while skimming the release list this week it caught my eye. Even the title is a metaphor! Intriguing. And then I read the plot description which seems trippy enough to at least try out the first issue:

An amnesiac astronaut is helped by Gasolina, a muscular woman who dresses up as Santa all year round. As they travel New York City for one man’s answers of self, it becomes an expedition to overcome barriers that stand between us and a recognition of our inner selves.

Too bizarre to pass up for me. I have the feeling that the comic book is either going to be a refreshing exploration of metaphors and life through metaphor, or really just a pretentious bunch of hogwash. I’m hoping it is dope as fuck. If you stop and ponder how essential metaphors are to not only understanding and communicating with one another, but also as means to make sense of the world, the idea of the comic books pretty cool. Metaphors layered upon metaphors! I know, I’m a lame-ass literature nerd.

Mea culpa, mea culpa.

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Here’s the deal. Parents took digital camera to Bermuda. iPhone camera broken. So I’m sharing some miscellaneous pictures of my existence with you. Enjoy.

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[click to enlarge]

Matt Fraction pens my favorite monthly comic book, Invincible Iron Man. And Pasqual Ferry? The dude is utterly gorgeous. Like, ridiculously pretty. So the idea of the two of them teaming up for a run on Thor has me doing cartwheels of destructive glee.

via comics alliance:

I can’t WAIT to unleash our Thor on you unsuspecting humans,” said Fraction. “Things were intimidating enough when Pasqual, Matt, and I had to follow up JMS and Olivier– that we’ve got to take up arms after Kieron and company’s stellar stand makes it all the moreso. All we can promise you is that Thor will overflow with colossal and cosmic action, giant space gods smashing each other in the faces with hammers, and all of the earth trembling in the balance. In short: everything that has made Thor great.

Matt Fraction is promising “giant space gods” smashing one another in their fucking face. Win. Win.com/awesome.php

The dude from the best (not really) movie of all time, Jumper, who totally fights Anakin from Attack of the Douchesabers is going to be Spider-Man? Maybe? We’ll see?

via slashfilm

I’ll keep this short, since we have no reliable info to go on. The site Bleeding Cool  is reporting that multiple sources have told them that actor Jamie Bell has been tapped to star in Sony’s reboot of Spider-Man, directed by Marc Webb.

Well then! I really have no idea about this dude, save for the fact that no seriously, I enjoyed him in Jumper. Oh wait, he was fucking Billy Elliot?! I’m double sold.

As an aside, I knew my girlfriend was either a) crazy in love with me or b) crazy when I took her to Jumper like three weeks into our relationship. “Oh hey! Come see a shitty action movie with me, because I love lighthearted slop starring Robotic Jedi and Apparently Spider-Man!”

Nice!

And the seven thunders uttered! How the fuck is it going? Are you happily ensconced in your cubicle? Are you like me, with a pile of short stories to read, and a paper to write? Are you a single mother at home, on your ninth bag of Doritos and early awaiting today’s episode of Oprah? Are you stoked? Pumped? Ready to feel the burn? What are you looking forward to this week? This month! Tell me. I yearn to know. And for your underpants. Just saying.

Monday Morning Commute. Every Monday I’m going to detail the various things I’m either currently or will be watching, reading, playing, and listening to in the next seven days. It’s Monday. You’ve got a long week of school, work, or compulsive masturbation to get through. Tell me the arts that you’re indulging in, to stave off suicide.

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The first promos for the Green Lantern movie are starting to make their way onto the web. As far unrevealing one-sheets go, they’re pretty cool. I guess.

But what I’m curious about is the tagline Anyone Can Be Chosen. I know that it’s a marketing ploy aimed at pumping some excitement into every slob with dirty Zatanna fan fiction hidden in their sock drawer. But I don’t want to think that anyone is eligible to be a Green Lantern – surely there has to be some sort of application process. Doesn’t a GL have to have some worthwhile quality? I mean, didn’t Hal Jordan get a ring because he’s a fearless motherfucker with unshakable will power?

Moreover, isn’t part of what makes superheroes cool the fact that they’re unique individuals, one-of-a-kind beings endowed with special powers? There’s only one Superman. There’s only one Wolverine. There’s only one Green Lantern.

Oh shit.

Fuck it, I’m in. I asked my mom really nicely and she said I can go to Green Lantern Camp next summer! Woo-hoo!

I’ve often wondered if I could survive with no other liquid than beer. Usually, these deep thoughts come after I’ve had about six or seven. I just think about beer’s amazing flavor, and its ability to make me feel like a hero, and how funny it makes everything seem. Even shit I shouldn’t be laughing at. Ah, if I could drink beer all the time then I might experience actual heaven on earth!

But lo and behold, there is no heaven at all! And, there might not even be an earth! What the fuck does that mean? I DON’T KNOW!

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Fuck to the yeah, Fallout: New Vegas footage. This game is the number one source of my polygonal dicklust, and everytime something new leaks out about it, all my juicy parts begin to leak as well. Pad your seat in absorbent materials, put on your radioactive war face, and hit the jump to check out the video.

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