Final Fantasy XIII Impressions: Holy Overwrought Story Introduction Batman


I picked up Final Fantasy XIII last night at midnight, and I figure I’d fire off my initial impressions. There’s a lot to get into, but the most resounding thing so far is that the story is retarded. Now, I’m only in the first chapter, and I’d like to emphasize it could and probably will get better.

But so far, I don’t think I’ve ever been this apathetic towards the characters in the beginning of a Final Fantasy before.

Everything is overwrought and ridiculous. Everyone is crying and making epic proclamations and acting like emo kids. The problem is that I’m not invested in these characters yet, and so when they cry and the dramatic music swells, I just roll my eyes. I’m all for in medias res, but so far the narrative is fractured between three different strands, and all of them are vague and insubstantial. Terms are getting thrown around, everyone is chasing down a loved one, and I’m standing in the middle of the room yelling WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.

I expect the storyline to get better, but I think I would be caring more if they didn’t throw me into some overblown confrontation while never bothering to get me invested in the characters, or the complicated mechanics of the game’s world. If I don’t know the characters, and I have to dive into a glossary every four seconds just to decipher the ridiculous names for everything, I’m going to be more confused than empathetic.

Reason #71,213 Final Fantasy XIII Is Going to Own: Tons of DEEP Cleavage


Hey geeks, what the fuck are you fans of? Deep cleavage, maybe? Oh, you know I’m right? How about spells? You know, CAST FIRE and shit? I’m double right. How about side-portions of breasts?

Now guess what! What if I told you there was a game coming out that had tons of deep cleavage, spells and swords and shit, and side-portions of breasts? You’d probably immediately start laughing at me. Saying oh Ian, you fucking dreamer. Clearly nothing, nothing could contain all of this awesomeness!

Well guess what, you derisive assholes! How about Final Fantasy XIII!!!!

Via the ESRB through Destructoid (with my own added emphasis throughout):

Cutscenes occasionally depict female characters dressed in revealing outfits: Holographic dancers — clad in bikini tops, skimpy leotards, and backless chaps — glide above the city during a festivity performance; flying-motorcycle models wear skin-tight tops that expose FUCKING deep cleavage. And during one elaborate sequence, a female character transforms from a crystal statue back to her human form — sparkle effects,  camera  panning, and shimmering lights partially obscure the nude character, though side-portions of her SUPPLE, GORGEOUS, AROUSING breasts are visible (fleeting–one-to-two seconds).

I’m sure there’s going to be tons of tight buttocks and deep pectoral cleavage for those who also enjoy the male persuasion such as myself. I mean, have you seen Snow’s pecs? They’re enormous. They look like enormous gloating continents of muscle, rippling at you, winking, wanting you to want them. And how can you say no? Can you? I’m sure you can’t.

Swords, dudes with huge pectorals, deep cleavage, totally awesome spells, Bahamut, epic strife and confrontation, like, other cool stuff. I know you’re sweating it. Hold my hand, we’ll endure the wait together.