Proof Modern Warfare 2 Whiners Are Empty D-Bags: Stimulus Pack Sells Ass Loads


Last week I called out the Modern Warfare 2 whiners for the bunch of silly bitches they are. They whine and whine, and just like Warcraft haters, they continue to suck on the grizzled tit they lambast so often. I predicted they would still turn out like whores in heat to gobble up the Modern Warfare 2 DLC, Stimulus Pack. Well, what do you know, I was fucking correct.

via kotaku:

One million of those purchases and downloads occurred within the first 24 hours, according to a statement from Activision. In dollar terms, that’s over $37 million USD in revenue in the map pack’s first week on the market, a clear sign that 2.5 million people quickly came to grips with the Stimulus Package pricing.

Despite groaning like a bunch of dickbags about prices, and how much the maps suck, and blah, blah, blah, it still sold in fuckloads. Just admit it, you love Modern Warfare 2. It’s okay to say it.

Yo Modern Warfare 2 Gamers, Stop Fucking Crying


There’s something I’ve noticed about the majority of Modern Warfare 2 gamers out there. They’re a bunch of niggling bitches. I think anytime there’s such a hardcore community revolving around one game, the majority of them seem to feel like entitled blowhards. How do I know? Dude, I’ve been playing World of Warcraft for five years. You can’t throw a rock without hitting someone complaining. “This class is over-powered”, “This dungeon sucks”, “Why can’t Blizzard get the servers to work!?”

Relax. Chill out.

And so I’ve noticed the same thing just with a superficial glance at the MW2 community. And just like WoW players? Just like WoW players, it seems like these people continue playing the game, despite their kvetching.

There’s critiquing, and there’s complaining
I’m not saying it’s unfair to criticize a game, especially when you’re passionate about it. And I’m completely okay with that. My friend Jill is a pretty ardent Call of Duty fan in general. And from time to time, she has a few complaints or criticisms that she lobs Infinity Ward’s way. But I’m cool with that? Why? ‘Cause she actually admits she enjoys the game. She criticizes, but she also can cop to enjoying the crap out of it. Most people I’ve come across simply grouse and grouse, and then they just keep trucking along.

Enjoy the fucking game.

Put your money where your mouth is, yo!
My annoyance has been reignite with the recent release of MW2’s DLC, the Stimulus Pack. In what truly is a bullshit move, they charged the fuck out of the thing for what, five maps? It’s bullshit, I’m with you on that one. But I have a funny feeling that the same vocal majority who shit themselves over the price actually caved and bought it. Watch me write this and get like fifteen people comment and go “Omg, I totally didn’t buy it.” I don’t care, I’d still say you’re in the minority.

Modern Warfare 2 : Climb That Shit!

Cut them some fucking slack.
The Stimulus Pack launched and it wasn’t without some hiccups. My Twitter feed flooded with “LOL, of course, fucking idiot MS noobs dickbags can’t get anything right.” Yo, cut these people some slack. They’re not hacks, they’re clearly dedicated and working hard. And I assure you, they know for every time they accidentally barf up on themselves they anticipate the swarming of the legions to deride them. Same thing goes for WoW. Every time there’s a patch, it’s like nerd masturbation to grouse about the servers chugging, glitches here and there.

They’re trying. I pinky swear.

Ian, you don’t know shit about shit

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Modern Warfare 2: Blow Your Whole Load, Who Cares?!


I picked up Modern Warfare 2 last night for the first time in months. Four, to be precise. And I actually didn’t suck! Alright, that’s a lie. What I meant to say is that I didn’t suck anymore than   I had when I last played it. This is a tremendous relief, since I put in a good amount of time improving myself to the point of just less than adequate. Phew!

Last night, I realized something while I was playing. I realized that I play my best when I blow my whole load. Of ammo. Duh. Like, my clip. You see, I can’t aim for shit. And often, I try and present myself as an adequate player. What a dumb idea! I’ll slowly aim, draw my sights on someone. And then by the time my fat fingers finally have them within my scope, I’m dead.

Dead, done, decimated.

So I said to myself, Drinkwater, you need a new strategy. Blow your whole load.

And it works! It really works. Blowing my whole load works. No trying to keep it in, to save face and be talented. Naw dude, I got to go the extra mile. At first I didn’t want to be that guy, spraying everywhere. It looks ridiculous, and it usually ends up with me on my back. But who the fuck cares, a kill is a kill, right?

And ever since I began just really firing away, I’ve noticed that I’ve actually begun to kill people. It’s sort of neat. Sure, it takes an entire round to finally drop the dude, but whatever. As well, I hope it’s especially demoralizing when they see me taking them out on the post-death Kill Cam. I’m just some asshole spraying everywhere. As usual.

The Plight of the Aging Gamer: Modern Warfare 2 And Warcraft Are Vying For My E-Dong


I feel like fucking Joey on Dawson’s Creek. I have these two beautiful lovers pining for my existence. They cry to me, for my gamer ovaries! They want me oh so badly. And I love them, I love them both.

Modern Warfare 2 and World of Warcraft.

I thought I had moved on from Dawson…fuck, I mean WoW. I thought I was done. We had spent some good time together, don’t get me wrong. Years and years had passed while we grew closer together. But eventually, yeah, eventually I had gotten pretty fucking bored. Everything was the same, everything was boring.


My interest with Dawsoncraft plummeted right around the beginning of the Fall. The newest dungeon Trial of the Crusading Warrior Champion or whatever came out and it was fucking boring. BORING. It was a room. Just a room. Filled with dumb bosses. Seriously, I mean, that’s it? I’m a lady, god dammit! I expect to be treated with dignity! Warcraft had taken me for granted, and I swore I was over him.

It wasn’t the first time I thought I was done with Warcraft. There had been ebbs and flows in our relationship. I mean, that’s how every relationship is, right? Boredom gives way to violent sex, gives way to fun nights watching Spielberg movies, gives way to an enjoyable comfortableness. But this time, I swore to myself, the boredom was different. It seemed more final. I was done.


And then there was Modern Warfare 2. So edgy. So totally sexy. Sort of like how Pacey in Dawson’s Creek. Pacey fucked his English teacher! How fucking awesome was that? Totally awesome. Especially since when I watched the show back as a freshmen in high school, I had the hottest English teacher ever. Little did I know, at the age of fourteen, I wouldn’t lose my virginity for another ten years. Holy shit! Anyways.

Modern Warfare 2 came along, and I was like, this is it, I’m sold. It was so much more accessible. Unlike Dawsoncraft, who insisted on having me on a tight schedule, I could fool around with Modern Warfare 2 like I wanted. What if I wanted a quick fling during the day? Done. Totally cool. What if I wanted to romp around in the middle of the night? Also awesome. No more of Warcraft’s neediness. No more having to show up at a certain time, to perform a certain task. So needy! So needy!

And I mean, things began getting serious pretty quickly. Modern Warfare and I were together like totally all the time. Time just flew by when I had him in my hands. We’d stay up late together, screaming obscenities and shooting people! True fucking love! I mean, is there anything more romantic than sticking someone with a semtex grenade and then giggling as their organs are liquified? I don’t think so. Do you?


And so I thought I was done man, I had found my new love. Weeks passed, and Warcraft creeped further into the back of my mind. Forgotten. Stuck next to old books I could barely remember, horrific memories of girlfriends with enormous pubic bushes, and the list of times I had shit myself. I kept playing Modern Warfare 2, certain it was the newest gaming addiction in my life.

And then I saw her. WoW came out with version 3.3, and I couldn’t help but bask in the eyes of the Icecrown Citadel. Well then! This sort of changed everything. Despite still playing Modern Warfare 2, I still had this new longing for the old days, for the lost love who had improved themselves and wanted me back.

I TRIED TO SHUT IT OUT AS HARD AS I COULD. But then last night? I came. I came back. And I came again. I just couldn’t handle it anymore. As much as I hated to say it, I needed Warcraft. I wanted Warcraft. I couldn’t leave Warcraft.

But now I’m stuck! I’m fucking stuck. I know they’d totally be pissed if they knew I had feelings for the other, but I can’t deny the way I feel! And it’s going to be too tiring. Logging off of Modern Warfare 2 to steal some hours of WoW, only to sneak back onto Xbox Live later that night and having Modern Warfare ask me where I’ve been. I can’t lie to either of them. Their faces are so innocent, so beautiful. And yet, I can’t choose either.

What’s the answer?! What do I do?!


Double-gaming penetration.

Why didn’t Joey every think of this?!

The Plight of the Aging Gamer: MW2: It’s Like Little League For Shitty Gamers Like Me


I’ve given up on being good at first-person shooters for a long time now. I simply accept that I don’t have the quick-twitch muscle fibers, or the brain capacity to be excellent at them. So when I try and talk my friend Bags into playing some MW2 with me, and he hits me with:

It’s going to be tough, because I’m going to suck at first.

I can absolutely relate to him. I’ve just come to grips with that a long time ago. I am not a unique gaming snowflake. There’s always going to be noobs that school my sad ass. Even with my acceptance of this fact, it still burns deep down inside to hear some twelve year old kid laughing at me because I missed with two full clips and then had the dishonor of him meleeing me to death.

The horror, the horror.

It didn’t always use to be so resigned to mediocrity. I used to be the shit in my close-knit gaming circle. High school friends and myself spending hours in my room as I took them to task with the beatdown stick in Mortal Kombat II or Mario Kart 64. My mortal enemy was also my best friend Joe, and it was usually the two of us giving each other a run for our money. Of course, even back then I sucked at FPS gamers. I can recall the teenage rampages I’d go into as Joe would remember spawn points (before we knew they were called spawn points) and usually throw a knife through my dumb face.

Then everything changed when Al Gore invented the fucking internet. And global warming. He condemned me to bake under the sun’s unleashed fury amidst a legion of gamers far superior to me. I was like the high school quarterback, trying all of a sudden to play college ball.


Double oops.

I learned quickly that whatever lame skills I had on a local level didn’t translate to the global scheme. Fucking internet! I was aghast, I mean, I won the local Blockbuster video game challenge! A year’s worth of unlimited gaming rentals (which they stipulated in the small text was two a week; even my pre-pubescent brain recoiled at the trickery) at my disposal! But I wasn’t special, I wasn’t even good.

Fucking shit.

So the same applies to Modern Warfare 2. I’m not really good. If I get five kills, I feel like the fucking man. Oh, those ungracious gamers who rattle off 15 kills a session. What does a kill mean to them!? What does sex mean to a pornstar! Probably fucking nothing!

But Modern Warfare 2 is different. Because It’s kind of like little league. Everyone can win! Well, sort of. In other words, there are things even retard gamers like myself can strive for. With their dope-ass built in leveling system, this RPG whore right here can work towards swag, even while blowing. If I have enough persistence I can unlock new guns, modifications, et cetera. This is probably old hat to other Call of Duty players, but for me, it’s friggin’ tight. I mean, what other way to suck in a WoW-addicted gamer who sucks at FPSers?

Give them swag to work towards! If there’s one thing I like, it’s loot! LOOT, sweet, delicious loot. And even if I never come in first place, I can still garner myself a tight grenade launcher.

It’s a nice balance. Because of course, the skilled gamers, as in not me, can unlock this shit quicker. Every match gathers you XP, and the better you do, the more points you gain. They even have “Aw, you’re cute at sucking” type rewards, like getting five assists. I mean holy shit, they reward you for breaking your own death streak. It’s like free experience points. A little league reward for the kid who finally hit the ball. There you go Charlie, you may drool and you run to third base instead of first, but you successfully threw a ball to first base today.

Well done, here’s a cookie.

I love it.

Modern Warfare 2 Impressions: It’s Like Jack Bauer, But With the Word “Shit”


I beat Modern Warfare 2 this morning. Sort of. With a FPS like MW2, is saying I finished the single-player campaign the same thing as saying you’re done with a meal when you finish your appetizer? I mean, I assume that any serious player is just getting going when they finish off the story mode.

It’s a pretty dope game, but I think it peaks a bit early. I felt the same way about Uncharted 2. I like my final episode, chapter, whatever, to be stacked with awesomeness. And if you rocket your hardest load two hours prior to it, even if what you’re experiencing is awesome, you’ve already jumped the shark.

For me, nothing topped the nuclear blast and the fallout in Washington. Everything after that was simple “sweet” as opposed to “holy fucking shit.”

It’s the same reason I’ve began to tune out of 24 every season right around thirteen episodes in the past few years. Take aside the fact that every season is practically the same – you know, just like Modern Warfare, it’s a couple of rogue dudes going against the government to truly save the world. But also, right around the thirteenth episode of a season of 24, Jack has already:

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Modern Warfare 2 Impressions: I Shot Innocent People In An Airport


Well, I got to the point in Modern Warfare 2 when you take the reins of a double-agent and shoot up a ton of innocent people in an airport. Coming directly off of it, and penning this shit as some sort of impression as opposed to an intellectual exercise, I’m not really sure how I feel about the scene. Did it achieve the desired effect of making me feel disturbed? Well, sure. I walked around an airport gunning down civilians, while deploring the dude that commanded me to.

My first reaction was a general sigh at the fatigue that has come from Jack Bauer-inspired utilitarianism. You’re thrust into the role of a soldier who is asked to go into deep-cover as a member of Russian Terrorist Guy’s group. And of course, the general prevention of a zillion casualties is of course rationalization for the fact that you help them gun down like three-hundred civilians. Slay the few, to save the millions! It’s an old hat, isn’t it? Jack Bauer and Jeremy Bentham and John Locke and LOST and a million other places have jacked off this theme for a million years.

I’m not really sure where I fall on this topic, but I know it’s been done to death.

But! But! But!

Maybe this scene is designed to show what truly killing the few to save the masses looks like! Perhaps the entire moment is to humanize the idea of sacrificing the few, and what that truly means. Instead of some mathematical equation, it shows the price of championing this utilitarian method of morality. It’s not just numbers, it’s human lives spread across an airport floor.

I think there may be the incorrect assumption that because Infinity Ward portrays this scene in their game, that they’re espousing this utilitarian belief themselves. The idea being that well, they have characters stating that you must lose some to save the greater sum, so clearly they believe this as well. But instead it seems that maybe they want to explode this notion through the use of this scene, and others throughout the game.

Again, I’ve barely played the game, I have no idea where I am within it. And I’m not even sure how I feel about all this, I’m writing it off the cuff and as it comes to mind. But I feel like there can be a mistake in assuming that the characters in a medium, any medium, generally mimic the beliefs of their creators. Just because we assume the “hero” echoes the beliefs of those who write them, doesn’t mean that’s correct.

And furthermore, perhaps because no one had played the scene prior to being outraged about it, no one has spoken about the fate of the compliant US soldier that takes place in the massacre. They’re murdered at the end of the chapter. This may be very well the punishment afforded to the one who complies with such a demand. Their is definite punishment to the character you control, they bleed out as the villains escape. Perhaps, in other words, if you adopt this utilitarian idea, then the bad guys always win?

I’m not really sure how I feel about the scene, nor am I sure what Infinity Ward was trying to say, or ends up saying. But the scene itself is intriguing, and worthy of discussion. If they wanted to get us talking, they’ve certainly succeeded.

Monday Morning Commute: Are You Ready for Some Machine Gun Shells?


That lumbering drone you hear emanating from the hills is the bone-crunching soul smasher that is the new installment of the Modern Warfare franchise ready to fucking rock. Activision, between owning Blizzard and Infinity Ward, is probably close to building their moon laser or some crazy shit.

Monday Morning Commute. Every Monday I’m going to detail the various things I’m either currently or will be watching, reading, playing, and listening to in the next seven days. It’s Monday. You’ve got a long week of school, work, or compulsive masturbation to get through. Tell me the arts that you’re indulging in, to stave off suicide.

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I’m Cool With Awful Evocations of Terrorist Brutality In Modern Warfare 2


About a week ago a bunch of shenanigans popped off regarding some controversial scene in the forthcoming Modern Warfare 2. There’s an optional scene that depicts a bunch of pinko Russian terrorists that carve up an airport with bullet spray. The player assumes the role of a terrorist, and well, shoots up innocent civilians. Not unexpectedly, a thousand-million people shit their pants in outrage, swore to boycott the game, et cetera. Australia, bored with counting its kangaroos and starting up Outback Steakhouse franchises decided it wanted to reconsider the rating they gave the game.

I’m completely cool with it.

It seems pretty obvious that Infinity Ward is trying to rock a nauseating angle with this scene. The entire expression seems to be a means to depict the horror of terrorism. Infinity Ward themselves conveyed as much in a statement:

The scene establishes the depth of evil and the cold bloodedness of a rogue Russian villain and his unit. By establishing that evil, it adds to the urgency of the player’s mission to stop them.

I imagine there is going to be a visceral, disturbing aspect towards controlling a character slaying a bunch of innocent people. Furthermore, I think it’s an interesting method to evoke such feelings. Infinity Ward takes the unique media of video games to literally put the player in the pants of a pinko murderer. It’s a way of depicting terrorism that may be unique to video games. Sure, there could be first person narrative in a book, or a point of view perspective in a movie, but actually playing the role of the terrorist?

Sort of unique.

I can appreciate that there is a disturbing agency to the situation. The player, as the terrorist, is asked to pull the trigger and kill the civilians. It’s a bit different than simply guiding the player through a first-person perspective. Instead they’re responsible for mauling the player with bullet-spray. Is there a difference between making the player view the atrocity, and making them commit the atrocity?



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Modern Warfare 2 Teaches Little Kids To Kill By Throwing Knives

You have to love a sensationalistic headline, don’t you?

Infinity Ward posted some CTF goodness over on their official Youtube. Holy shit is this gameplay footage gorgeous.

I’m just kidding about it the headline, though.   Sort of. My brother worked at a summer camp and told me that some kids played CoD and you know, had years to go before their first nocturnal emission. My therapist’s kid plays it, I think he’s thirteen. EVERYONE plays it. It’s universally loved. Like pizza.

[ story via kotaku ]