Blizz all up and announced today at Blizzcon that goons and dweebs like me are going to have the option of playing a Monk in Diablo 3 today. At first I didn’t know what to think. I made a living off of imagining that my female amazon in Diablo 2 was in fact some sort of transfigured Legolas. I spent hours pew-pewing cows and Mephisto and being all like THIS IS TOTALLY LIKE LORD OF THE RINGS WHERE LEGOLAS LOOKS AWESOME.

So when the new class wasn’t some sort of hunter-gatherer, big-breasted or not, I was bummed. But don’t fucking lament, yo! The Monk class looks pretty absurd. Depending on your nerdcorner du jour, you can either imagine you’re The Last Airbender, or Fist of the Northstar, or the epicenter of my early teen wet dreams: Tifa Lochhart. Check out the video, where you can froth over the kinetic ass-whupping of the monk. Then remember you won’t be playing this until your great-grandchildren are losing their baby teeth.

It’s a commonly known fact around my friends and family that Diablo 2 was (sadly) one of the greatest things to ever happen to me. As a for instance, all I did was play sixteen hours a day with one of my best friends, and spend the time not playing eating fourteen Wendy’s Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers. It was great, because I gained forty-pounds and developed insomnia and what will eventually be a fatal addiction to caffeine.

With Blizzcon this weekend, there’s going to be a deluge of Diablo 3 news that is going to have me in a frothing geek madness. Don’t believe me? When they first announced it last year, I could be fond running around the house, screaming:

“MOM! DIABLO 3 IS COMING! DAD, THEY ANNOUNCED DIABLO 3! BUBS, THEY ANNOUNCED DIABLO 3!”

I could tell by their blank stares they were happy for me. I can’t wait to sit on my ass neglecting loved ones and academic papers while grinding the new Cow Level for the five-thousandth time. Life is good.