I came across this second Kick-Ass Red Band Trailer today over at Slashfilm. It features more of the same as the previous Red Band, which is to say everything they can’t show in the rated ones but they should. Pepsibones and I are looking forward to this movie with a certain voraciousness, though I think his excitement far exceeds mine. Check out the trailer, and marvel at a teenybopper girl saying the word “cock”. It’s fratboy humor, which means I love it, but you may hate it.

With thunder and lightning LOST returned this week to the epicness that we had all come to expect from the show. After a throwaway episode last week that left me at a frothing level of indignancy, this week threw so much at me that I have no idea how to begin to wrestle with the episode. Questions were answered, but as always, fourteen more took their place. Right after watchin’ this shit, I was like, fuck me, I have to make something intelligent out of the awesomeness that I just absorbed into my skull-plate. Because honestly, this is really all I wanted to say:

Fucking awesome!
Huh?
Jesus Christ!
Woah.
Huh?
What?
Holy fucking shit.
Tuesday is so far away.

That’s it man, that’s really it. The episode left my brain a gooey melange of confused awesomeness. But let’s try and think about this shit.

It seems obvious to start with the brain-shattering revelation that was why all of the peeps we have come to know are on the Island. Jacob beckoned them to the Island because he’s been searching for a substitute. Get it? Get the title of the Island? Yeah, me too. And from the looks of the scrawlings on the inside of whatever sort of damp, creepy cave the Man in Black brought Sawyer to, he’s been going at it for a long, long fucking time. As well, we finally get to see what the numbers were for. Sort of. MiB tells Sawyer that “Jacob had a thing for numbers”, which sort of explains why they’ve been fucking everywhere, but uh, not really. That said, I’m completely fine with that being the explanation behind them even if they don’t elaborate any further.

Of all the mysteries of the Island, this is one of the ones I give the least shit about.

It’s also worth noting that The Freckled Hussy wasn’t one of the ones that MiB mentioned being summoned to the Island. I know this because I turned to my friend Tommy and said fourteen times, “You sure she wasn’t shown? You sure? You sure? Totally sure? I should shut the fuck up? Okay, yeah…You sure?” Does Jacob’s heir have to be male? That seemed to be what we dragged out of it.

More of MiB’s revelation in a moment, but let’s diverge off this path. LOST style, hypertextual trains of thought!

Was there anything more frightening and entertaining than Dicky Alpert running out of the jungle like a fucking crackhead and accosting Sawyer? Seriously. Dude was losing his fucking mind, and it was awesome. For years the dude has been the composed, sexy, strong dude of righteous immortality. This episode? Dude was tweaking out! He scampers out of the bushes and is like, “C’mon man! We got to go! We-got-to-go! C’mon bro! Seriously, let’s fucking go! MiB kicked my ass and smeared my mascara! He is fucking legit!”

Just what the fuck is Richard? If he came from the Blackrock as a dude to potentially replace Jacob, he clearly wasn’t chosen. Was Jacob all managerial and like “Well, see here Richard. We don’t think you have the stuff to protect the Island for thousands of years, given your experience, but we’d like to take you on as a steward!”

And just like that, Crackhead Richard ran back off into the jungle, fleeing from another ass-whupping from MiB. And speaking of the MiB, how about that first-person perspective of Smokey doin’ his thang? Fucking epic! Epic with a capital EPIC! Yeah, that doesn’t make sense.

Hurley is fucking awesome. That’s all. I really enjoy seeing the inversion of his character from the I’m Totally Fucked Guy to Yo Man, Don’t Sweat It. For that matter, Hurley’s inversion is also in line with Locke’s dismissal of faith and miracle, and Jack’s belief in it.

Locke’s life on LA X fucking sucks, a lot. And as I’ve mentioned, he seems a broken, pathetic man, just like MiB mentions in the season premiere. I’m really fingering my brain over what they’re doing with LA X. My bro Pepsibones thinks it may be nothing more than a mundane drama, showing us the unremarkable lives they all would have led if they weren’t brought there. I’m not sold on that shit, but it does seem eerie that Locke’s Fiance Whose Name I Forget shreds Jack’s card, perhaps dismissing any sense of miracle and the destiny we’re expecting.

I ain’t sold though. These people are meant to be together, and they will. I just ain’t got no idea how.

Also, Ben as the school teacher? Fucking huh? I don’t know, man. Ben being a teacher makes me wonder if his ass was ever on the Island, and if not, just how long ago did the Island itself sink? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?! Is it Destiny, or mundanity?

The interweaving of destiny comes up throughout the episode, but there is no greater point than when MiB tells Sawyer that Jacob has played them all for the fools and brought them to the Island. MiB is all “Blah, blah, Jacob effected the course of your life to bring you here, as you were meant to be.” And he’s right, maybe. There were a zillion choices they could have made that would have pushed them off the course they were on. However, what MiB fails to mention is how he has been manipulating everyone just as he claims Jacob has, and maybe in even more nefarious ways.

Everything that led up to Jacob’s death has been executed by MiB. From getting Locke to leave the Island, to having Benjamin kill Locke, all of this was in an effort to gain the trust of Ben so they could put the ole stabby-stab into Jacob. Is there any free will going on, on the Island? Or have they all been chess pieces for both MiB and Jacob? Who the fuck knows.

I’m going to guess that Jacob is neither as benevolent as we may have thought, nor as cunning and selfish as MiB makes him out to be.

Either way, there seems to be an inherent necessity for balance on the Island, which MiB has disrupted. From the tilting of the scales to the eerie little fucker in the woods telling MiB, “You know the rules, you can’t kill him”, everything points towards MiB and Jacob being symbolic of the balance of Good and Evil in the world. Both are needed for the other to exist. Jacob and MiB’s conversation at the end of season five contrast the two of them, and now makes much more sense in light of the fact that Jacob summons them to the Island to replace him.

MiB: They come, fight, they destroy, they corrupt. It always ends the same.

Jacob: It only ends us, anything that happens before that, is just progress.

Jacob’s search for a replacement is centered around his notion in the potential for humanity. Despite being disappointed for what seems like hundreds, if not thousands, of years, Jacob considers the idea of a replacement for him to be plausible, if not inevitable. How long Jacob has been searching, or what his criteria is, or even further, if there was someone before Jacob? Who the fuck knows.

Good morning! To all the dudes and babes that stumble onto the den of iniquity that is OL — welcome to Wednesday. For some, this means that this cycle of  the forty-hour work-week is halfway finished. Hang in there. For others, Wednesday means the release of sweet, sweet paneled pages.

Me? I’m trying to enjoy February vacation. Unfortunately, I’ve risen before noon for the third day in a row. Damn my conditioning. Therefore, I’m pounding coffee like Bill Murray in Delirium (as seen above) and hoping something spectacular happens.

Now that you’ve woken up, what does Wednesday mean for you?

Happy Valentine’s Day

Don’t give me the standard “Uggh, Valentine’s Day, it’s completely made-up” argument. Yeah, it’s completely fabricated. As is every holiday (Wha? Jesus wasn’t born in snow-covered manger on December 25^th?!?).

If you’ve managed to fool someone into loving you, spend some time with `em today. If you don’t have anyone special in your life, go find someone.

And if you’re going to sit inside sulking all day, at least eat a heart-shaped box of chocolates. The shape makes the candy taste better (it’s been proven – by science).

To get you in the mood, a love song:

Laid back Saturday afternoon music by General Patton and the Bunglers. Hit the jump to rot your mind.

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Remember last week on LOST when the show returned to the events of the original season, albeit in what may be a different universe? Yeah, unfortunately this week it also returned to the narrative structure of the first season. It went nowhere, featured pointless and painful dialogue, and predominantly featured the Whorey Freckled Chick being whorey and freckled. Oh yeah, and waving a gun around on the run, again.

I knew this episode was in trouble when my friend Dave asked what the episode title was. I fumbled around with the remote and brought up the episode info, “What Kate Does”. I should have known we were fucked at that moment. For starters, even if they were trying to be cleverly simplistic, the title wasn’t nearly as intriguing as LA X, and secondly, no one in their right mind gives a fuck about what Kate does, even if it takes place in Dimension YYZ, where she shoots laser beams out of her nipples.

The main portion of the storyline in 2007 was dedicated to torturing the crap out of Sayid and drilling the viewer into misery with insipid dialogue. Sayid’s back from the dead, but because they needed some fluff to fill an episode with, they beat around the bush the entire time and don’t tell you what’s up. After Jack finds out that Sayid has been seared with a hot poker and had his nipples electrocuted, he storms into Dogen’s mystical and beautiful laboratory. Listen, I’m all for mysterious guys, but he’s always standing around playing with something just to get me to be like “Oooh, you’re so mysterious and clever! At first it was some potions for your LARPing, and now you’re spinning a basebal!”

Jack calls him out on his bullshit, and there’s actually a great scene coming about. Dogen brings up the various pains that Jack has been responsible for inflicting on others. Dogen just seems to want to guilt-trip Jack, but nevertheless it resonates with him, and compounds the guilt he’s been feeling about failing as a leader, letting people he cares about down, and getting Juliet and Sayid all dead and stuff.

But then? Then the scene’s dialogue turns into something out of one of the putrid Matrix sequels.

Dogen tells Jack that he must give Sayid a pill, and the expository conversation made me want to kill myself:

Jack: Why should I give him this pill?

Dogen: Your friend is sick.

Jack: Huh? Dude just came back from the dead.

Dogen: He is sick.

Jack: Uh, with that?

Dogen: He’s infected.

Jack: With what? Jesus fucking Christ, TELL ME.

Dogen: An infection.

Jack: Let me get this straight, we just wasted the viewer’s time drawing out the idea that Sayid is infected…with an infection? You’re fucking with me, right? This can’t really be the script.

Thematically, the scene doesn’t bother me. It calls on Jack’s concept of noble leadership, and asks him to once again entrust in faith to guide him to the right answer. As we find out though, all it was really guiding him towards was poisoning his friend. I can’t help but think that Dogen the Mystical Asshole is actually correct, but the manner in the plot device is structured is retarded. He has to have Jack take the pill, because the pill will only work if Sayid takes it from him willingly, and only Jack can get him to do that, and uh, and uh, and uh.

The whole “overwrought and painful mystery” device was overdone in 2005. It’s the last season, there’s no need for it.

Brief Aside: There’s no need for Mac to be on LOST. None. I couldn’t stop imagining him doing sweet karate moves and teaching them to the Others. Good thing I have a DVR, because everyone in my room was laughing.

The centerpiece of LA X saw Kate and Claire rocking out in Dimension X. Kate goes from being on the run to sitting in a hospital room with Claire while Ethan assures her that her baby is going to be alright. Again the theme of destiny is brought up, and we’re left to wonder why the two of them are even trusting one another. One moment Kate is holding a gun to Claire’s head, the next moment she’s walking up to the Adopting Family’s house with her. It seems far-fetched at first, until you begin to wonder if there is a residual trust bleeding over from the dimension where Oceanic 815 went down. It’s the only way I can fathom there being any semblance of trust between the Crazy Chick with the Gun and Claire. I may be reaching, but there seem to be distinct moments where Kate searches trying to figure out if she recognizes Claire, only to give up on the thorn in her skull.

Throughout the storyline, they also swing the Destiny Hammer. It strikes anyone with a pulse with an emphatic reverberation, and you’re like “Okay, I get it, it’s destiny.” After all, I mean, what are the chances that the adoptive family doesn’t want to take Aaron, because they broke up? Dur, it’s like Claire was supposed to take care of Aaron! OMFG.

Here’s my problem with them using Claire and Kate as a means to interweave the two realities: I don’t care about either of them. Kate is a whore who is trying to get into Sawyer’s pants moments after his girlfriend died. And Claire? Claire disappeared awhile ago, and I didn’t really care about her then. She was just sort of there. It’s neat to see that these characters have an interwoven destiny no matter if the plane crashes or not, and it’s neat to see that Aaron and Claire were meant to be together, but as far as characters go, it just wasn’t that exciting for me.

Which makes the idea of Claire returning on the Island not that spectacular to me. That said, I am intrigued by the idea of an infection being spread throughout the Island. You got me, writers. Claire looks oh-so very Rousseau wielding her gun and shooting the punks trying to take down Jin. And if you consider the similarities – they’re both women who birthed on the Island, then it gets even more intriguing. Was Rousseau infected as well?

I don’t assume the rest of the episodes are going to be as drawn out and as uneventful as this one, Christ I hope not. I rationalized the first few seasons as laying the groundwork for the fireworks for the rest of the show. Pepsibones brought up that this is one of “those episodes that wouldn’t be so bad if you were watching on DVD”, and I agree. But the problem is that we’re rushing towards a climax at this point, not setting the stage for the series. There’s only a handle of episodes left, and I hate seeing one being wasted without more to show for it.

Here’s to next week.

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Nothing really important to impart, just bored on a Saturday. I swung by Barnes and Noble today because I had to pick up some ass-chapping Penguin’s Guide to Literary terms. While I was there, I tried to find the book Infoquake because it had been recommended to me. Not finding it, I seethed and went to buy my shit. I find B&N generally exasperating, because of the complete lack of want when it comes to shitty, soccer mom drivel, but the inability to find anything random or esoteric.

But as I got to the counter, I noticed they had the paperback edition of Oscar Wao up to be peddled, and I had to smile a little bit. I don’t understand how something as dense and esoteric as Oscar Wao has garnered so much mainstream attention, but it makes me grin. It’s equal-parts fictional nerd biography, centering on references to the Danger Room and Watchmen, and a historical account of the last century or so of the Dominican Republic. When I saw a girl reading Wao on the train, I was all, oh shit!

As a nerd, who relates to Oscar Wao’s tale more than should be healthy – obesity, being a virgin until 25, self-deprecation and suicide attempts, it makes me glow inside to see it up there. If you haven’t checked out Oscar Wao, and you’re a fan of nerdculture, historical fiction, or more important, really fucking gorgeous prose, check it out.