#Miscellaneous
Search Engine Terms: Who Has Banged Their Sister
[Search Engine Terms come from an app in the Word Press dashboard. It tells you the terms that people are using in google to lead to your site. Most of ours are ultra depraved and horrible. And amusing to sick people like me.]
Oh no.
I Can’t Drive Stick; I’m Fucked in the Zombie Apocalypse
I had a terrible realization on Wednesday night. I was catching The Crazies with a friend, and there is a part where the good-looking guy and the good-looking chick need to get the fuck out of some place quickly. But here’s the thing? The dude was totally hauling ass in some big-rig zillion-wheeler. I’m sitting there, and I’m like sweet, burn rubber motherfucker! Get the fuck out of there.
But then I had a less sweet epiphany. When the zombie apocalypse finally hits, I’m totally screwed. I can only drive automatic. Seeing that dude save his own life in car with a manual transmission was portentous of my own dumb ass once the flesh-eaters rear their ugly heads. In a way I almost appreciated this coming to understand my lack of ability. While we’re probably only days or weeks away from the first brain-rot knuckledragger biting the first unsuspecting person in a dark corner somewhere, I’ve been given a second chance.
I need to start practicing driving manual. Like, soon. I’ve been slacking on a lot of my zombie survivalist techniques. Mainly, the only thing I can really do in any situation, zombie apocalypse or not is make people laugh and pen juvenile prose. So I mean, maybe there will be some sort of tension-breaking websites once they arrive and I can derive my usefulness from them. Do you really think we’re going to stop tweeting and checking websites after the first zombie rises up?
Or perchance sages and orators will once again take preeminence upon the world stage. Forget Homer, I shall tell of the Mouth That Launched A Thousand Zombies, and other awesome shit.
But more than likely, I’m just fucking dead. Or I guess undead. Rimshot! Groan! Eyeroll! I need to start taking my Dad’s truck out in the middle of the night, honing my driving skills. I need a steady diet of manual transmissions, and learning how to drift. Nothing says effective way to zoom yourself to safety like downshifting or uh, upshifting, or uh, something around a corner powersliding while you mash the kneecaps of zombies with your sweet whip.
You’re all welcome for this immeasurably valuable wake-up call.
Search Engine Terms: Locke’s Pimp Hand
[Search Engine Terms come from an app in the Word Press dashboard. It tells you the terms that people are using in google to lead to your site. Most of ours are ultra depraved and horrible. And amusing to sick people like me.]
I’m glad I’m not the only one totally taken aback by Locke and his thunderous pimp hand last night.
Also Jean Grey prude? Dude, no way. Jean Grey has totally had Wolverine up in her glove compartment. And it takes an animal to tame that dude.
THIS WEEK ON LOST: Recon
Thwack and kapow! Smokey this week laid down the meanest of pimp hands I had seen in a long god damn time. It was honed to a perfection that only living for hundreds of years can give you. I mean, I’m sure we’ve all imagined giving a pimp hand at some point in our lives. For some reason, the idea of slapping someone across the face just seems enjoyable. It’s probably all the television and violent cartoons we were raised on.
Smokey has officially begun to freak me the fuck out. While I’ve never been on the “This Guy is Sweet, Jacob Is Dick” train, if I had been, I would calmly requested that I be let off at the next stop after this week. I mean, I know that Claire is insane, and she has shitty hair, and she builds baby cribs out of animal skeletons and shit, but if you missed the foreshadow that pimp hand wrought, yeah I don’t know what to tell you.
You want to bring that Jacob is a deceiver heat? Get the fuck out of here. Smokey is just as grand a manipulator as Jacob, and how! I mean, seriously. Jacob presents people with choices, offers them destinations. Smokey gives you the illusion of choice. What MiB spits is tantamount to “I’m not here to tell you what to do. But if you don’t come with me, I’m going to smash you into paste as a billowing cloud of crackling smoke.”
Yeah dude, freedom of choice right there.
Smokey spent this entire episode using the oldest trick in the book: divide and conquer. If you wanted insight into how he’s able to manipulate people with impressive effectiveness, just check out what went down. Smokey takes everyone aside and beguiles them with sugary promises and rhetoric. He’s good man, he’s like, real good. In a revealing conversation with Kate, the dude even lays out how he bent Claire to his will. He gave her someone to hate, and by hating them, she really worked out his objective of throwing down those dickheads who lived in the Temple of Doom.
His methods are awesome, and I say that with no sarcasm.
It’s continuing to all be so Locke versus Hobbes that if you’ve missed it by this point, I don’t know what to tell you. The appeal of MiB versus Smokey at this point isn’t really deciphering their motives, but watching them play out. We get it, yo. Free Will and the belief that humanity will do a solid versus the whole Humanity is a Dung Heap and needs to be controlled. Yep, got it. I got it a season ago. But you know what? I don’t give a fuck, I’m a philosophy geek.
There’s something so alluring about Smokey; but there’s always something so alluring about the darkness. The promises of what ever you want. I’ve seen Star Wars though, I know how this fucking shit ends. You fight Mace Windu in some shitty office apartment, and then you sire a son who kills your crippled ass. I mean, do we really think that Smokey wants to get them off the Island? That he really cares about them? I sure don’t. But I also think there’s really some uncomfortable side to Jacob, the God that Failed.
Poor Sawyer. Even in LAX, he’s haunted by the demons of Anthony Cooper. Sawyer’s a tricky cat to peg on LOST. He always seems one step away from either redemption or full blown moral collapse. As the episode unfolded in the main reality, we saw Sawyer once again walk this tight-rope over the precipice. And as usual, there really was no denouement. I really have no idea which way Sawyer is going to go on the Island, other than apparently back with Freckly McHussy. Oh god dammit, Kate.
I dug how Sawyer is a undercover detective, which means that even in LAX he’s a con man who gets to sleep with tons of women. His monologue explaining the thin line between criminal and cop was interesting, even if it smacked of a thousand cliches.
As a brief aside, last night I realized something. Sawyer has to be a genuinely hunky dude. Why? ‘Cause if he wasn’t, we would totally fixate on his hair. I mean, it’s fucking dumb. It’s all like, flinging around and awkward, and I can’t tell if maybe it’s a mullet, or maybe it’s just oddly coiffed. But it ain’t usual. No sir. I was watching him clunk about the detectives’ offices and I was like, what the fuck? How did I not notice that hair before?
But yeah dude, what are you going to do? I need to know. The world holds its breath. Maybe there will never be any resolution for him, maybe he’ll always be torn by those demons. If LAX a reflection of the consequences of one’s behavior on the Island, it would seem fitting that Sawyer is once again pigeonholed between happiness and totally byronic brooding. You go ahead and seethe, Sawyer. It’s what makes us swoon for you.
Let me ask you something. WHERE THE FUCK IS FARADAY!?
Everyone has fucking shown up in LAX save for my boyfriend. I need to see him. We’ve seen fucking Artz, Charlie’s dumb brother, Boone. What the fuck is this dog shit. Last night we got Charlotte. But no mullet-rocking fucking physicist? Who is so adorable in his quirkiness? Kiss my ass, LAX. I want to put up some fucking Scorpions, sit around with Faraday, and have temporal abnormalities affect my perceptions of reality and give me nosebleeds and crap. It’s hogwash.
Also, I can’t help but feel that it’s almost too convenient that everyone is showing up. They’re all concentrated in Los Angeles? It really makes me wonder if this isn’t some bubble reality that all of the people involved on the Island are somehow transported to.
Everyone, save for my boy.
Search Engine Terms: Movies To Rent With Penises
[Search Engine Terms come from an app in the Word Press dashboard. It tells you the terms that people are using in google to lead to your site. Most of ours are ultra depraved and horrible. And amusing to sick people like me.]
I’m certain that there are simply tons of movies to rent with penises. This is supposing that you’re looking to rent a movie featuring dongs. They’re called pornographic films. There’s a few of them out there. Or, are you looking for a film that you and a penis could enjoy? Do you have a date with a penis, and you’re wondering what sort of movie the two of you may enjoy? They’re also called pornographic films. Good luck, I think you may be able to find one.
Gemma Arterton Makes Me Swoon
If there is a better example of sublimity and divinity in this world than the female form, I haven’t seen it yet. And so while I generally masquerade as a pig, and to an extent I am, I generally regard women as the superior and more beautiful sex. These pictures of Gemma Arterton from the British GQ serve as corroboration for my argument. I think it is possible to behold and appreciate a person’s physical beauty without absolute objectification, or at least in the more negative connotation. As Althusser will let you know, we constantly objectify everything around us, including ourselves. So there!
Search Engine Terms: How Do You Fuck Yeoman Kelly?
[Search Engine Terms come from an app in the Word Press dashboard. It tells you the terms that people are using in google to lead to your site. Most of ours are ultra depraved and horrible. And amusing to sick people like me.]
Ah, someone suffering from the same plight as me. It seems that everyone who has played through Mass Effect 2 has arrived at the same conclusion: Yeoman Kelly is absolutely gorgeous, cute, not real but that’s okay, intelligent, and I need to bang her.
Well, everything that is worth attaining must be earned. And Yeoman Kelly’s moist goodness is just the same. Stick with it good friend, you’ll pull it off yet. Not that I have, I need to play through the title one more time. Chick hasn’t even made it out of my playthroughs alive yet.
And worst comes to worst, you can settle for sleeping with Jacob. I did.
Battlestar, Old School Metallica and Kevin Smith, Prolapses
- ..And Justice For All [Live]
Before “Tallica Brings You Douchey-ness Baby!”, these guys used to be my heroes. - Clerks Trailer
Before Kevin Smith was too fat to fly, he was my hero. I was like thirteen. - Battlestar Meets Beastie Boys’ Sabotage
A beat for beat recreation of the Beastie Boys’ video using BSG footage. This is for the two people who haven’t seen this yet. - 600,000 Women in West Nepal suffer from Uterine Prolapse
I have no idea, I typed in “prolapse” to Youtube. That’s a lot of uterus turned inside out.
Search Engine Terms: Jerking It to Bayonetta
[Search Engine Terms come from an app in the Word Press dashboard. It tells you the terms that people are using in google to lead to your site. Most of ours are ultra depraved and horrible. And amusing to sick people like me.]
Dude, are you kidding me? The aisles are running full with the fluids spilled by fanboys and fangirls over Bayonetta.