Variant Covers is the only weekly comic book column to feature headlines featuring puke covered boobs! Welcome to all ye enter, and I sure hope you’ve got a good taste for the depraved. Here at Variant Covers I give a run down of the comic books I’m excited for, catch my eye, or seem hilariously rotten in a given week.

Astonishing X-Men: Xenogenesis #2
The second issue of the most ridiculously named X-Title ever is arriving on shelves this week covered in puke, tits, and sociopolitical commentary. While I didn’t dig Warren Ellis’ first run on Astonishing X-Men that much, I really got into the first issue of Astonishing X-Men: Xenogenesis Fun Pukey Time. The storyline is centered around an African village that is giving birth to particularly mutant-looking children. The whole OMFG stems from the fact that once Scarlett Witch went all fucking insaneo and banished mutants from the Earth, ain’t none been born. Let alone the fact that generally muties manifest around puberty. Because you know, they’re an extended metaphor for adolescent longing as well as commentary on ostracized ethnic and cultural groups.

So shit is going down! What I really enjoy about the title is how Ellis manages to float political commentary rather elegantly into the affairs of a bunch of latex-bound demi-gods. In the middle of the first issue, Wolverine drops some knowledge bombs about Nelson Mandela that even if you disagree with, are pretty interesting to hear coming out of a mainstream comic book.

It’s a fun romp, and features ridiculous postures and absurd ass and tit shots by Kaare Andrews. And while I’m ultimately a horndog who finds himself aroused on occasion by the curve of inanimate objects, the artwork stems the line between ridiculously sexualized and rousing the inner feminist in me. There’s some sort of line that Andrews is straddling for even the most reluctant readers as myself, and definitely sending more engaged feminists into apoplectic aneurysms.

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Meta 4 #1
Meta 4! Metaphor. See what they did there? This comic comes out this week, and I’m particularly intrigued. I hadn’t read about it, but while skimming the release list this week it caught my eye. Even the title is a metaphor! Intriguing. And then I read the plot description which seems trippy enough to at least try out the first issue:

An amnesiac astronaut is helped by Gasolina, a muscular woman who dresses up as Santa all year round. As they travel New York City for one man’s answers of self, it becomes an expedition to overcome barriers that stand between us and a recognition of our inner selves.

Too bizarre to pass up for me. I have the feeling that the comic book is either going to be a refreshing exploration of metaphors and life through metaphor, or really just a pretentious bunch of hogwash. I’m hoping it is dope as fuck. If you stop and ponder how essential metaphors are to not only understanding and communicating with one another, but also as means to make sense of the world, the idea of the comic books pretty cool. Metaphors layered upon metaphors! I know, I’m a lame-ass literature nerd.

Mea culpa, mea culpa.

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[click to enlarge]

Matt Fraction pens my favorite monthly comic book, Invincible Iron Man. And Pasqual Ferry? The dude is utterly gorgeous. Like, ridiculously pretty. So the idea of the two of them teaming up for a run on Thor has me doing cartwheels of destructive glee.

via comics alliance:

I can’t WAIT to unleash our Thor on you unsuspecting humans,” said Fraction. “Things were intimidating enough when Pasqual, Matt, and I had to follow up JMS and Olivier– that we’ve got to take up arms after Kieron and company’s stellar stand makes it all the moreso. All we can promise you is that Thor will overflow with colossal and cosmic action, giant space gods smashing each other in the faces with hammers, and all of the earth trembling in the balance. In short: everything that has made Thor great.

Matt Fraction is promising “giant space gods” smashing one another in their fucking face. Win. Win.com/awesome.php

The dude from the best (not really) movie of all time, Jumper, who totally fights Anakin from Attack of the Douchesabers is going to be Spider-Man? Maybe? We’ll see?

via slashfilm

I’ll keep this short, since we have no reliable info to go on. The site Bleeding Cool  is reporting that multiple sources have told them that actor Jamie Bell has been tapped to star in Sony’s reboot of Spider-Man, directed by Marc Webb.

Well then! I really have no idea about this dude, save for the fact that no seriously, I enjoyed him in Jumper. Oh wait, he was fucking Billy Elliot?! I’m double sold.

As an aside, I knew my girlfriend was either a) crazy in love with me or b) crazy when I took her to Jumper like three weeks into our relationship. “Oh hey! Come see a shitty action movie with me, because I love lighthearted slop starring Robotic Jedi and Apparently Spider-Man!”

Nice!

The first promos for the Green Lantern movie are starting to make their way onto the web. As far unrevealing one-sheets go, they’re pretty cool. I guess.

But what I’m curious about is the tagline Anyone Can Be Chosen. I know that it’s a marketing ploy aimed at pumping some excitement into every slob with dirty Zatanna fan fiction hidden in their sock drawer. But I don’t want to think that anyone is eligible to be a Green Lantern – surely there has to be some sort of application process. Doesn’t a GL have to have some worthwhile quality? I mean, didn’t Hal Jordan get a ring because he’s a fearless motherfucker with unshakable will power?

Moreover, isn’t part of what makes superheroes cool the fact that they’re unique individuals, one-of-a-kind beings endowed with special powers? There’s only one Superman. There’s only one Wolverine. There’s only one Green Lantern.

Oh shit.

Fuck it, I’m in. I asked my mom really nicely and she said I can go to Green Lantern Camp next summer! Woo-hoo!

[images & words is the comic book pick-of-the-week at OL. equal parts review and diatribe, the post highlights the most memorable/infuriating/entertaining book released that wednesday]

iZombie is the story of Gwen Dylan, a zombie with a heart of gold. She doesn’t particularly like the fact that she’s undead, nor does she revel in having to eat a human brain every month. In fact, she says that the fleshy snack “tastes awful. Combine the two most horrible tastes you can imagine — like motor oil and someone else’s vomit — and you   won’t even come close to this level of nasty.” But Gwen chomps on brains as it prevents her from having a really bad hair day.

To atone for her less-than-delicious sins, Gwen solves crimes using the powers endowed to her. Specifically, every time that a brain is consumed, memories of the once-living individual are accessible. Since this is a comic book Gwen just so happens to eat the brains of people murdered in mysterious ways, thereby leading her on strange adventures!

In addition to Gwen, iZombie features a slew of supernatural characters. There’s Scott, the werewolf-computer-nerd who is pining for the pallid protagonist. There’s Ellie, the   ghost of a best friend who resides in the cemetery Gwen works at as a gravedigger. Nemia’s a man-hating vampire living in a virtual vamp sorority, encouraging her roommates to seduce men to their deaths. And the list goes on, including vampire hunters and maybe even an incarnation of the Invisible Man (or is he a mummy?!).

On paper, iZombie may just seem like another cash grab at one of the newest trends of fiction –   the saccharine supernatural. Yeah, we’ve had plenty of wannabe vampire-studs (this is a hunky vampire) and lighthearted romps through post-apocalyptic zombie-lands. So the territory is familiar. But in this instance, the comic succeeds more because of execution than the premise.

Through the course of the first two issues (okay, I admit it — I picked up the first issue of iZombie today as well) writer Chris Roberson manages to make the reader care about the characters and the conflict at hand. With concise exposition, Roberson expresses just how bummed out Gwen is about her whole not-alive-but-not-dead disposition. The reader feels for the first victim whose murder the protagonist investigates after reliving his final moments through memory. And humor runs abound, such as with the inclusion of Scott’s video game-lovin’ coworkers who just don’t understand why he never hangs out on full moons (DUH!).

Most important to iZombie’s success, however, is the stunning art of Mike Allred. I’m not going to waste your time with my half-accurate, feeble minded descriptions. Instead, I want you to feast your eyes:

iZombie was an impulse purchase, an attempt to make up for the fact that this was a relatively light week at the comics shop. But it paid off, and I was presented with a solid tale of horror supported by the authentic work of an enthralling artist. Buy this book.

[via slashfilm, click to enlarge]

These are confirmed concept images of the Captain America suit from the upcoming movie. I dig the look of the suit. A lot. It’s got the whole paramilitary meets superhero costume thing going on, and well fuck, I’m sold. It’s more Ultimate universe than the regular ole’ 616, but they announced they were going that way a long time ago.

Try to ignore how douchey Evans’ face looks photoshopped into the whole thing, since these are concepts works and not actual shots. “But Ian, it may very well look assy once it’s filmed!” Well, you got me there. But for now, these images are theoretically cool. To me.

Hit the jump for a couple more pictures.

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Frank Miller is fucking insane. And so while I don’t really think there’s any need for him to follow-up his graphic novel 300 with a prequel, Xerxes, I can’t help but be excited. The dude is superbatshit crazy! I mean, he wanted to write a comic book about Batman kicking the shit out of Al-Qaeda. So generally I’m going anywhere he’s going, just to see what sort of madness he’s going to bring to the table.

Miller spits some deets!

via slashfilm:

The time frame begins 10 years before ‘300′ and the story starts with the Battle of Marathon” … “The lead character is Themistocles, who became warlord of Greece and built their navy. The story is very different than ‘300′ in that it involves Xerxes search for godhood. The existence of gods are presupposed in this story and the idea is that he well on his way to godhood by the end of the story. With Themistocles I have a character who is almost the dead opposite of Leonidas in that Themistocles was a lying, conniving, brilliant, heroic figure. He was nicknamed ‘The Subtle Serpent’ and he always manages to do the exact right things that will result in him benefiting greatly.

I used to love me some Mark Millar. And to an extent I still do, though I’m beginning to grow tired of his formula. Super Vulgarity + Super Violence + “Superheroes in the Real World” x Infinity Comic books. But despite my Millar-Fatigue, I’m sort of excited for another creator owned title of his. Because I’m a worthless fanboy.

via cbr

Mark Millar and Leinil Francis Yu have announced “Superior,” a new, creator-owned project that will be hitting stores in October 2010. While little is known about the series at this time other than the title, Millar has provided CBR with an exclusive look at these 5 teaser posters for the project.

Perhaps Millar is taking on a more uplifting approach with this comic? The teasers seem pretty dismal, and a bit provocative. It’d be nice to see Millar take on something that isn’t all doom and gloom, or rather convey a message that isn’t “LOL, Superdeath!!!!”, but maybe I’m just overreacting. His run on Old Man Logan certainly posited a flower amidst a wasteland. Like I said, I can’t help but be intrigued.

[images & words is the comic book pick-of-the-week at OL. equal parts review and diatribe, the post highlights the most memorable/infuriating/entertaining book released that wednesday]

Spoilers Ahead. Forreal.

Images & Words is once again taking a stroll through the streets of Shotgun City. It’s a futuristic slum, a place where even impressive technological advances cannot push against the tide of mediocrity known as the human condition. A diseased corpse wrapped in LED lights. It is a sociological ecotone, a convergence of possibility and failure that is bound to bewilder any visitor.

And it couldn’t be any more beautiful.

This is might be why I love Choker so much. It seems to be that the stories I become most invested incorporate the setting as an integral component of the narrative structure, as opposed to arbitrarily settling for any location. Sometimes the setting is so important that it becomes the crux of the story, such as with the island in LOST or the eponymous ship of Battlestar Galactica. Other times, settings make subtle suggestions that readers pick up on without even knowing it; the barren dunes of Tattooine reflect Luke Skywalker’s inexperience, whereas Death Star 2 represents the chipping away at Darth Vader’s once impenetrable heart of darkness.

So as I walk through Shotgun City, my visitor’s map is pissed on from a fourth-story fire escape, I just laugh. “Wow, that old lady’s got great aim!” And then I notice that her impeccable shot can be chalked up to night vision goggles and a laser-guided rocket-catheter. What a fucking world this is!

To be fair, maybe it’s inappropriate of me to pass off my hallucinations, my romps through fictional elseworlds, as a comic book review. But once you’ve consumed enough caffeine to reach Omega Level, reality and fiction become interchangeable terms, travel guides and reviews become synonymous, and definitive concepts are forfeited in favor of the indefinite but undeniable. And so, I pour more Rockstar Recovery into my system, gaze up at toppling skyscrapers of Shotgun City, and continue my trek.

Making my way through the dense concrete jungle, I learn all sorts of tidbits about its inhabitants. For instance, it turns out that some employees of the Shotgun City Police Department are eligible for Man Plus, a procedure that endows participants with superhuman strength. That is, of course, when it goes according to plan.

Unfortunately, Detective Johnny Jackson’s operation did not go quite so smoothly. As he was informed after awaking from surgery,

Those impervious to the enhancement properties have instead cultivated some very undesirable results. Manifestations of pre-existing conditions I’ve seen before, though not to this extent…But then I’ve never before encountered a genuine case of alien hand syndrome, let alone a transmutation of it.

Ah, so I see…that’s why Jackson’s left hand occasionally tries to shoot him in his sleep or choke him to death. It’s all making sense!

My daytrip also finds me overhearing explanations for the misandry of Flynn Walker, Jackson’s surly partner. Jackson’s associate Royce Davies provides some gory details;

I mean, you heard about her husband, right? Catching him in bed with her sister and best pal…? There’s even rumors that her mother was in on it. Pretty fucked up, huh?

With that being said, Walker’s rage comes in handy from time to time. Combined with her Man Plus, this unadulterated aggression helps her fend off a bunch of Marilyn Manson-looking teenage attackers…who can fly. I see her take out these gothic avengers, these outsiders who declare that “It’s all different now: the bullied have become the bullies. And we’re really, really in the mood to hurt people.”

Right before I board my bus outta Shotgun City, I see a fucking freakazoid tearing people limb from limb at the police department. Hell, even Walker and her aforementioned abilities can’t lay the fucker out. I suppose Johnny Jackson might have to step up to plate, so hopefully I can see him do something wonderful during my next visit.

Choker #3 is entitled Down These Mean Streets a Bastard Must Go. I agree. If you like comic books and have yet to visit Shotgun City, consider yourself at a disadvantage. Go buy this goddamn comic.

[images & words is the comic book pick-of-the-week at OL. equal parts review and diatribe, the post highlights the most memorable/infuriating/entertaining book released that wednesday]

Spoilers Ahead. Forreal.

Marvel Comics is ushering in a new era for its brand, a return to form dubbed The Heroic Age. Under this new banner, the Marvel universe is (hopefully) going to realign itself and enter a period in which a status quo can be relied upon. And this is a good thing, giving the reader a chance to breathe after seven years of turmoil that included team breakups, civil wars, and alien invasions.

As any avid comics enthusiast knows, every event is accompanied by a slew of one-shots and tie-ins. Often, these are transparent attempts to earn a couple extra bucks by inserting tenuous connections between the major happening and an otherwise unrelated title. I can’t help but shake my head in disgust, disapproving of the theft of nerd-dollars that could be best spent elsewhere.

But sometimes, when the planets line up just right, tie-ins can be really fucking rad. And it looks like Jupiter and Neptune are in sync, because The New Avengers Finale is the book of the week.

Bendis’ script takes the reader through the direct aftermath of Siege; Norman Osborn has been exposed, the remaining villains are on the run, and Earth’s mightiest heroes have finally reunited. The remaining superheroes have to figure out their place in this brave new world, now that the all the major threats have been averted and the Superhuman Registration Act is null and void.

This setup provides the opportunity for bridges to be built across the chasms created over the last few years. Needless to say, this comic argues on the behalf of forgiveness, second chances and teamwork as the champions of justice come together to take down The Hood, Madame Masque and her father Count Nefaria. This crisis, coming after the siege of Asgard, doesn’t seem especially critical but it serves as an excellent excuse to see the Avengers assembling for the first time in years.

Iron Man? Captain America? Thor? Friends again?! Fuck yes.

The New Avengers Finale, like many of Marvel’s notable works of late, is penciled by the always astounding Bryan Hitch. Receiving some assistance from Stuart Immonen, the artist depicts the Avengers with a detail and vibrancy of which few are capable. Hitch really goes balls-to-the-wall, giving the reader all sorts of wonderful eye-candy to slobber over. For me, the visual highlights include a two-page spread of the newest Avengers lineup as well as a full splash page of Wolverine getting read to lay down the law.

But what convinced me that this had to be OL’s top-choice of the week were the book’s last eighteen pages. Nine splashes, spread across two pages each, take us through various flashbacks of the Avengers during the recent strife. Every single one of these images is jaw-droppingly gorgeous, the stuff that nerds fantasize about when they’re not dreaming of babes. If you need more convincing, just check out the list of artists brought on board specifically for these flashbacks:

David Finch, Danny Miki, Frank D’Armata, Steve McNiven, Dexter Vines, Morry Hollowell, Olivier Coipel, John Dell, Mike Deodato Jr., Pimental, Dave Stewart, Leinil Yu, Mark Morales, Laura Martin, Bryan Hitch, Rain Beredo, Billy Tan, Matt Banning, Justin Ponsor

Holy shit.

These pages remind the reader that the comics medium is rooted in illustration. While great storytelling can compensate for lackluster art, the greatest works always have pages that please the eye. This comic book gives us nine examples of this simple fact.

I purchased The New Avengers Finale with low expectations, anticipating that it would do nothing more than help me put off work for another fifteen minutes. But what I would up with was a real treat, the perfect transition out of the Dark Reign and into the Heroic Age. After reading this book, I have no doubt that good things are on the way for Marvel readers.

Excelsior, motherfuckers!